[Moana Allan]

Firstly I want to start by saying I am a questioner. I question absolutely everything and have done so all my life. I am also aptly nick named 'Anxious allan'.

So here I am after three weeks of being engaged questioning whether I really want to marry my partner of ten years and whether it's the right thing to do?

I was euphoric for the first week after the proposal. In fact I was relieved. I thought 'great! No more questioning our relationship and where our future lies.' I thought we would just 'be'. However, the question bugs swarmed in and haven't left yet.

We have had a rollercoaster ride for many years. We have broken up and gotten back together four times. There have been other woman but he reassures me, he never had sex with them. The last time we broke up, I kissed my best mate at the time which led to him confessing he loved me and had loved me for two years. The time we spent together increased and was just wonderful. However, I put an end to it because I felt I was being unfair to him as I still loved my ex. He was devastated.

That was two years ago. I work with him so see him almost every day. We are polite and sometimes friendly but understandably distanced. I still miss hanging out with him. I miss most of all being able to talk openly to him. We talked about everything. Even things I wouldn't imagine telling my partner.

I love my partner. I guess that's why we are still together. However, I often reflect on the time my 'mate' and I had together. How easy it was to be together. How similar we were. How he challenged and stimulated my mind. I find myself looking at my partner, and feeling irritated by the things he does and says.

It seems particularly over the last three weeks since the proposal, I have been even more irritated with him. I don't know why. He has been working 6 days and on sundays plays golf. One of my friends said I am irritated with him because he is neglecting me. Really?

I am getting counselling to work through past hurts and relationship issues. I suggested that we could get counselling before we got married to sort out any underlying issues we may have conveniently avoided for the sake of peace.

So what do you think?

Should I or shouldn't I. I know ultimately it is my decision.

Regards

Anxious Allan

[DoulaLC]

As a natural born questioner, it can make things hard because you will see many aspects of something and likely can read things into it that might not be there. You may also see things that are there that are often unnoticed by others.
If you are having serious doubts, don't get married just yet. After ten years together, marriage won't change anything, may even amplify things, so consider things will likely stay how they are now... is that the place you want to be in for the next ten years?
Counseling may help you get some things out in the open, and will allow you to take a hard look at your relationship. Sometimes we stay in things simply because it is what we are used to and comfortable with even if it is not what we had hoped for... the prospect of the unknown can be scary. Some people just have a very hard time not being in a relationship, and will stay for that reason.
Marriage is never fabulous all of the time, but when you are envisioning it, you should be picturing the sort of life you want to live with your partner. What do you envision life will be like with your partner?
Could also be you are just so used to each other that you have settled into a sort of married life already and are in a time of it being a bit humdrum... which can happen. Marriages often have highs and lows that you just have to ride out sometimes. Doesn't mean there is anything wrong, it just is what it is at the time. Won't be bells and whistles all of the time by anymeans... :)
I'd give the counseling a chance... an outside perspective can often help. Counseling would be wise for most people contemplating marriage!

[ordinaryguy]

If you've been together ten years, you have a fair sample of what your life and relationship will be like after marriage--pretty much the same. If you can honestly say that's an OK way to spend the next 10, 20, 30,. years, go for it. Otherwise, maybe not. But if you're comparing that future to an imagined future with your "best mate", it's not really a fair comparison, since that alternative has no track record in the reality of daily life.

[talaniman]

so here I am after three weeks of being engaged questioning whether I really want to marry my partner of ten years and whether it's the right thing to do?

If you can't answer that question after 10 years, you should gets some help fast!!

[Janmarie]

I agree with Talaniman if after 10 years you still don't know then you either should get help or post pone any marriage plans until you are for sure.

[mimi03]

that was two years ago. i work with him so see him almost every day. we are polite and sometimes friendly but understandably distanced. I still miss hanging out with him. I miss most of all being able to talk openly to him. we talked about everything. even things I wouldn't imagine telling my partner.

This is a BIG red Flag, you have a friend that you can be open with but can not do the same with your partner of over 10 years!

I can understand the questioning to a certain extent but You also have an issue of not being open with your partner and this will only make moving forward in any direction very difficult.

If you want a future with him pre-martial counseling is worth a try but You must begin by being a completely open book...

[Romefalls19]

Counseling is definitely needed, 10 years and still questioning this relationship

[vettegirl77]

This relationship is doomed. I went through the same thing and guess what -we go divorced in less than 2 yrs. I wasted 10 yrs questioning my relationship . I should have stayed with the other guy.

[huggis1]

I think it was either Trisha Goddard or Oprah Winfrey who once stated
Doubt means Don't.
She's absolutely right.

[JBeaucaire]

To me, 10 years of dating already means something is wrong. Everyone has the rollercoaster, that's just life happening.

But you said yourself, "i thought 'great! no more questioning our relationship and where our future lies.' I thought we would just 'be'."

BINGO! That's exactly what getting married is supposed to accomplish. It lets you know to stop wondering. Right now, when things go bad, you "wonder" if you should just break up. After getting married, that option is SUPPOSED to be off the table forever. Marriage is supposed to equal security, even through the bad, no matter what the bad is... (almost).

But 10 years?! Dude. That's some serious laziness going on here, some serious lack of goals or need for a family, or some SERIOUS incompatibility issues you've just "lived with" for 10 years.

Be careful here. If there is room for doubt, your marriage may simply be a mistaken step on the way to a breakup that should've happened 9 years ago.

[hopeful beliefs]

It's good to question,there's an unlimited amount of knowledge available and to actively seek new things but what answer do you seek-full fulfillment, greater knowledge, power, the joy of learning

[b]Hmmm, it's human nature to be attracted to someone and love somebody else, good on you for being true to your feelings, its a shame that you and your friend seem to not be able to transcend from an emotional attachment that is based on loss and fantasy, for your emotions are generated by dreams of past things and future wishes and you become lost in a surreal world and reality isn't quite the same as a day dream, and your partner represents what you do not have but wish to have, [/B

]I think the best counseling is done with family and friends, have a good support base with a friendly face, do you ever talk solely about the happy things in your life to a counselor, all relationships hurt, no body means to, there's a right and a wrong, its good to question oneself, your heart will set you free from your troubles if you have the courage to follow your own path, when two hearts meet as one then you'll know who your marriage partner is

[neverme]

Go for counselling definitely.

You both need to be open and honest with each other even if you think it will hurt your partner, it will hurt a lot more to request a divorce.

[starlite1]

I definitely think you should wait on marrying him. Let me ask you, do you still love your ex? That could also be what is on your mind making you question whether you should marry your finace.