[sparklemom]

I have since removed myself and my family from my very emotionally abusive dad. What I didn't account for was the reaction of my mom, brother and sister. They all take this business is usual approach and don't speak of it at all. So today I receive a call form my sister (24 yrs old) asking if she and her boyfriend can take my sons (9 & 12) to a minor league baseball game. I said it was sounded great, all that I would ask is not to bring my kids back to Mom and Dads house (she lives there still). There was silence, then she told me how ridiculous I am, how she didn't have time for this. I told her she has never considered my thoughts or feelings on this situation at all. And never has spoke of it. Well she hung up on me. So now Iam left feeling sad still, that is no support from them. I don't want my sons to go at all now. I I think I am owed an apology from her. Any thoughts would be helpful.

[N0help4u]

If you don't feel comfortable about it call them back asap and cancel.
If you are doing it out of some kind of spite or bargaining chip then allow them to go under the condition that they agree to talk the entire situation out with you and agree to hear your feelings. Have the condition stressed that it is simply because you feel that everything needs to be out in the open if things are going to work out for a healthy relationship.
Sounds like the baseball game may just be an excuse to get your kids to see your dad.

[Choux]

If they aren't sexual abusers and violence prone, your kids need to have a relationship with their grandparents.

They are two more people in this world who will love them very much. The kids will love them back. Very healthy relationship. :)

I think you should call and apologize to your sister and have her pick up the kids so *they* can have some fun!

[sparklemom]

Not that cut and dry I'm afraid. The last time my dad I and spoke he told me my kids would wind up in jail, and my daughter would be a victim of domestic abuse. I by the way have a very happy family. My dad hates my husband and has told us we are not welcome there.

[N0help4u]

Then the problem is that he is verbally abusive. Many older generation men think that it toughens kids up and causes them to want to prove them wrong by bullying them with negativity. I can understand you not wanting the abuse on your kids. Was he like that with you growing up? I still think you need to get your mom and sister aside and talk it all out with them and explain you would love nothing more than to get along but that you do not want to and can not see subjecting your kids to his verbal abuse. If he has a problem to deal with it directly with you and/or your husband but not drag your kids into it.

[sparklemom]

I wish he did love them. He has never showm them any love and stopped coming to my house a long time ago and also stopped attending my kids bdays and functions as well. He talks very badly about my brothers xwife right near his kids, I know they have heard him.

[N0help4u]

You can either keep forbidding them to see your kids or you can explain to your kids that that is just the way grandpa is and do not pay his mean words any mind he is just miserable. Explain in a way they know it is not them, do not take personal, blah, blah, blah...
Even then I would keep any contact at a bare minimum of when your mom is persistent on wanting to see them.

[mimi03]

I think you are doing the right thing by keeping your children away from your dad. He's your dad true enough but if your children's father were treating your kids this way I'm sure no one would advise you to just explain to the children that "that's just the way he is" or to "ignore him"... so I don't see this as being any less harmful.

Everyone is not fortunate enough to have loving parents and/or loving grandparents and sadly that's just the lesson they'll have to learn from this.
Just keep being a good mom and providing a comfortable, healthy, happy life for them to grow!

I personally grew up with a very negative grandmother who was basically a tyrant on a rampage and wish that my mother would have saved me some tears by not having me visit her so much. Now that I am older I can better understand why she behaves the way she does but the things she said still sting a little and since she hasn't changed I still keep my distance.

So, I think you can save them some heartache by keeping them away from him and when they are older they will better understand why there was distance and make their own decision to reconnect (if he's a good grandfather he'll welcome them with open arms).

[N0help4u]

Many kids HAVE to live with negative relatives and they manage. Some even do get stronger by being exposed to people that are not the 'status quo' of great personality types. While I think it is best to keep them away as much as possible if your mom and sis are going to insist on seeing them occasionally AND you can not be there to supervise AND it is not guaranteed that they will not take them around grand dad I still say it is best to give them the Do not take him personally speech. Like I said though I would keep it to a bare minimum of seeing any of them.

[mimi03]

Many kids HAVE to live with negative relatives and they manage. Some even do get stronger by being exposed to people that are not the 'status quo' of great personality types.

I agree N0help4u and think it's important to clarify that:

These kids don't HAVE to "manage" so don't feel the need (through guilt) to put them through this with the idea that it will toughen them up and keep everyone happy...

This is not a situation where you still live with your parents or have to have them babysit etc.
So, why put them trough the turmoil if it can be avoided altogether?

Furthermore, If your mother and sister want to sit as silent victims of his verbal abuse and insensitivity then that's their choice but if they want to see your children it should be done by your guidelines.
It is your job as a parent to keep them safe physically and emotionally, although you can't do this 100% of the time I think it's perfectly reasonable to protect them from this nonsense.

[N0help4u]

Like I said she should not encourage or want her kids to be around them but my whole point is that IF she IS going to let them go places (ball game, mall, amusement park, where ever) with her mother and/or sister and she can not be positive they will not drop in on the grand dad without her permission then she should tell them that. If she can 100% keep them away from her mother, sister and dad for sure then fine that is the best solution, I am not at all arguing that.

[sparklemom]

My mom and sister do see the kids whenever they want! Normally it's at my home or lunch out or something. It's hard to put in a few sentences actually what I've been through in my last 39 yrs. My last straw was my dad "playfully" hitting my son in the mouth with a fresh set of braces on. When I walked in and stopped it and tried to console my sobbing son, the rest of the evening went completely downhill. My sister and my dad called him a baby and to knock it off. At the time my son was 8. This man has estranged my mother from her family. She had a very difficult time talking and communicating with them for roughly 15 yrs. So I'm tired of "thats his personality" and "you're too sensitive" nonsense. I can't do it anymore, it's unhealthy for me and my family. Im now in therapy and it's really made me stronger. I know now what is healthy and what is not.

[N0help4u]

I don't blame you at all for not wanting him around them, and if you can keep him from seeing them then that is the best. Especially if he is also being physically abusive. If you are worried that him going to the game will lead to them being around him then you should call them and back out asap. As I said I was not encouraging you to let him see them at all. I was saying that in the case that it were to happen. But I do encourage you to keep them away from him.

[sparklemom]

I did call and cancel. If my sister can't be straight w/ me , then I can't let them go. What would happen is she would stop by my parents house afterwards. I have since learned that they cannot change what they cannot acknowledge. It's definitely a hard pill to swallow.

[N0help4u]

Yes you HAVE to go by what you are and are not comfortable with.