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toribori · Aug 6, 2008, 11:05 AM

I am a young woman in a relationship. I'm healthy and completely normal. My boyfriend is the same. I'm happy with all aspects of my life, except sex. It seems minor, but it actually takes a mental and physical toll on me. I'm very bothered by the fact that my boyfriend simply doesn't want sex as much as I do. It's so standard for the man to have a high libido, and the woman to always be the one to decline. It's in movies and books and all media, and what I've always known to be normal. So for me to be rejected is abnormal and embarrassing.

I understand that we have different libidos, and I've tried talking to him. I've even created a log of when we have sex to really show him that we don't do it that much, especially considering our age. If I show him the log, he gets angry about it, and wants me to stop keeping it.

At the beginning of our relationship, we did it more often, and I always tried to keep that frequency, but one day he told me that I basically needed to calm down. He didn't want sex as much, or oral sex, or for me to touch him everyday like I wanted. He wanted it much less. That upset me a lot, because I was totally oblivious.

I've often heard for the man to give the woman oral instead of sex, but he simply doesn't like giving it. And when we do have sex, we've waited four or five days, so that he finishes within a couple minutes, and I obviously don't get to finish myself. It's very frustrating.

It's difficult to compromise in this situation. You can't make someone want something if they truly don't. So the only option is to do whatever he wants. And to hide whatever I'm feeling and tell myself to not want it.

If you have any advice, I would sincerely appreciate it. Thank you!

smoothy · Aug 6, 2008, 12:03 PM

Ages of both parties please. It does matter on several different levels to know this.

Choux · Aug 6, 2008, 12:37 PM

You have to respect your partner's/husband's feelings about important issues such as sex, money, religion, level of refinement, etc. People don't like to feel pushed around in any way.

Many people don't like to have another person reach for their genitals. It's so fake and uncouth... I'd advise you not to do that anymore.

I'm surprised I'm saying this, didn't think I would on this board, but I think you need to develop a more spiritual approach to sexual intercourse... your truck driver mentality isn't working for you in this relationship. Now, are you having orgasms when you have sex? I suspect you aren't, am I right?

If you answer, I'll continue on.

Very best wishes, :)

smoothy · Aug 6, 2008, 12:45 PM

Yeah... but are they 40+ or closer to 20 something.

snowalps · Aug 6, 2008, 12:53 PM

I don't agree with choux. Its dampening her healthy libido that should be living inside each of us! Girl I think you need to talk about it with him and ask him why exactly he has lost interest. You said one day he asked you to calm down and till then you guys did it more often.. why did this happen? Discuss with him and surely don't show him logs because that can hurt someone's esteem and feelings.
My opinion would be to talk to him and make understand how incomplete you feel because of his attitiude. There's absolutey nothing wrong with you. Its him you need to make realize. Let me know if this helps and if you are thinking on the same lines.. good luck and take care.:-)

snowalps · Aug 6, 2008, 12:54 PM

And of course ages please...

toribori · Aug 6, 2008, 03:05 PM

Originally Posted by smoothy

Ages of both parties please. It does matter on several different levels to know this.

We are both 20

toribori · Aug 6, 2008, 03:25 PM

Originally Posted by Choux

You have to respect your partner's/husband's feelings about important issues such as sex, money, religion, level of refinement, etc. People don't like to feel pushed around in any way.

Many people don't like to have another person reach for their genitals. It's so fake and uncouth...I'd advise you not to do that anymore.

I'm surprised I'm saying this, didn't think I would on this board, but I think you need to develop a more spiritual approach to sexual intercourse...your truck driver mentality isn't working for you in this relationship. Now, are you having orgasms when you have sex? I suspect you aren't, am I right?

If you answer, I'll continue on.

Very best wishes, :)

I agree with the respect, but it begins to fizzle a bit when you constantly have to bow to another person's wants, and make your desires go away until the unlikely occasion that each partner's libidos match up.
And about the touching- I know it sounds generic and that I'm doing it only for the fact that I think it's what he might like, but honestly, its just fun for me.
I also agree with the trucker mentality, but its something that's not that easy to change. It's how my mind and body naturally react. I wish I had an off button, because it's difficult to not think in that way. And I'm a completely logical person, so for me to think about something like sex in a spiritual way is something I typically never do. Romantic, yes, but spiritual- I'm not sure.
I normally don't have orgasms, id say about 3-4 times a month. Id prefer everyday.
Thank you for the help!

toribori · Aug 6, 2008, 03:34 PM

Originally Posted by snowalps

I dont agree with choux. its dampening her healthy libido that should be living inside each of us! girl i think you need to talk about it with him and ask him why exactly he has lost interest. you said one day he asked you to calm down and till then you guys did it more often.. why did this happen? discuss with him and surely dont show him logs coz that can hurt someones esteem and feelings.
my opinion would be to talk to him and make understand how incomplete you feel because of his attitiude. theres absolutey nothing wrong with you. its him you need to make realize. let me know if this helps and if you are thinking on the same lines..good luck and take care.:-)

The best reason I can think is that he was neary forcing himself to do things. He just felt too bad to tell me no. and I guess one day he just couldn't take it anymore.
I would love to talk to him, and it be that easy, but every time I try, he tends to get very offensive. But I like your strategy, and id like to try to talk with him again, I'm just not sure how he'll react.
Thanks for the advice:)

snowalps · Aug 6, 2008, 03:52 PM

If you think he is and he was just forcing himself in to this then that's too wrong in the first place and it would mean you both are quite contrasting personalities.. you may want to think about all this again because it's the most beautiful part of a relationship and you wouldn't want to lose on that.. Now since you mentioned there are no other problems between both of you, the best thing would be to discuss this and sort out so he develops the interest within himself and the respect for your feelings. If there was something wrong elsewhere too I would have advised you to re think about your relationship. But that's not the case now.
All the best!

plonak · Aug 6, 2008, 04:02 PM

I didn't read all the other posts so forgive me if I am repeating anything

First rule out if it's a health issue, medication issue, or mental issue

If it's none of the above then I don't think you guys are sexually compatible. He doesn't want sex often, he's just simply wired that way.. that's something that won't change even if you decide to marry him.. I repeat it will NOT change.. now the question is if you can live with it or not... can you go without it for a while in order to keep him? Bare in mind I hear that when people get married they have sex even less, so if it's a problem now, it could be a major problem for you down the road..

Just really give this some thought, if this is what you want to live with.. it's ultimatley up to you.. and it's a really hard thing to come to terms with, it takes courage to stand up for what you want..

Choux · Aug 6, 2008, 08:08 PM

t,

I think you two may just be sexually incompatible at this time. There is no blame involved in being incompatible; people are just different about sex. You are both just starting on your life of sensual pleasure and you each will grow and change over the coming years. :)

By spiritual sex, I meant a fully aroused brain *sort of* like being turned on to the world, not any romanticism, which I am against.

Successful relationships are about negotiating... see if you two can negotiate more sex for yourself in exchange for something your friend would want from you.

Good Luck in the coming weeks, :)

Xrayman · Aug 6, 2008, 08:43 PM

Frankly I think you need to cater to your own needs without him involved-yea I know it's lonely but sometimes/all times you have to satisfy your requirements for what YOU would like-not just what he wants/doesn't want.

I feel that he is quite a bit selfish to not even want to satisfy you in a way that would make you feel a little better-that seems a little arrogant for my liking.

Cheers

vincentescobar · Aug 7, 2008, 01:49 AM

You that's crazy, me personaly I'm not the type of guy to want sex all the time or everyday, I rather just chill and do something fun, but if the girl I was talking to wanted sex( we actually just decided to become friends 2 days ago ) I would definitely give it to her, because I want to satisfy her desire.. I'm 21 so I can relate to your situation, and I'm a guy so I can say that's pretty weird for him to just not want it as much as you do..

DrLang · Aug 7, 2008, 04:01 AM

It is a little admitted fact in this country that women often have a much higher libido than men.

smoothy · Aug 7, 2008, 06:06 AM

At 20 you should be having to beat him away with a stick. Most 20 year old guys still operate more on hormones than brains. The only encouragement the average 20 year old needs isn't much more than the average 16 year old guy needs... which is to just look at them.

toribori · Aug 7, 2008, 06:39 AM

Originally Posted by Choux

Successful relationships are about negotiating...see if you two can negotiate more sex for yourself in exchange for something your friend would want from you.

Negotiating is difficult because he gets very angry if we talk about it, I'm not sure if he's in denial or guilty or anything at all. I just know not to go there. I would like to compromise to have more sex, but I just don't want him to have to force something that should be completely enjoyable, or for me to feel like I'm semi-raping him :/
Thank you!

toribori · Aug 7, 2008, 06:44 AM

Originally Posted by smoothy

At 20 you should be having to beat him away with a stick. Most 20 year old guys still operate more on hormones than brains. The only encouragement the average 20 year old needs isn't much more than the average 16 year old guy needs....which is to just look at them.

Exactly! And that's why there are so many problems! It shouldn't be like this, I know that, but he seems to think it's totally normal. He tells me most people don't do it all the time. But we're young and we've been together for about 9 months, so things should still be exciting.

ang8318 · Aug 7, 2008, 07:03 AM

Are there any other issues/problems in your relationship that may be causing him to not want sex with you. Fear of pregnancy? Does he have a stressful job? Or stressful schooling? Sometimes problems with sex are caused by everything but sex.

smoothy · Aug 7, 2008, 07:13 AM

Originally Posted by toribori

exactly! and that's why there are so many problems! it shouldn't be like this, i know that, but he seems to think it's totally normal. he tells me most people don't do it all the time. but we're young and we've been together for about 9 months, so things should still be exciting.

I agree 9 months isn't long enough to be bored. I'm on 17 years of marriage and never get bored. Would some strange be exciting? Most certainly but then I have a pretty good wife in that respect, she has her faults but that's not where they are. I've been around enough to know when I have it fairly good.

Was he always like this or what has changed? Work, school, medications or medical conditions?