[mixedup]

Editing my posts, realizing that this is silly

[Depressed in MO]

This should not even be an issue. Screw the dude, you don't owe him anything-if he asks tell him what's up about your friend (don't know why you couldn't tell him in the first place). Take time for yourself to grieve for your friend. Do you have other shoulders to lean on such as family and friends?

[fredg]

Hi, mixedup,
I am so sorry to read this about your friend. It is something that is hard to cope with, and I know you will miss your friend.
You should have told your boyfriend about it, first off. Keeping things back isn't really good, in the long run. Relationships are built on trust, caring, love, and understanding.
I would tell your boyfriend about it, the next time you see him. At least you will get it "off your shoulders", and you don't need any "extra weight" hanging on to your back... if you know what I mean.
I am 64 yrs old, been through a lot of my lifetime so far, been married now for 29 years (second marriage). Trust and caring are all part of a good relationship. Even though you are taking a "break" from your current relationship, I would tell him what happened. If he asks "Why didn't you tell me this before?", then I would tell him that you were just too confused and didn't know what to say, which is the truth. Telling the truth will always overcome not telling the truth, in the long run.
You really do need to talk about this with your friends. Talking about it will help, and make is just a little easier to accept your friend passing away.
I do wish you the best, and hope your relationship will get better with your boyfriend. If not, then you have done all you can, and meeting others will help with that also.

[kp2171]

You should tell him. It happened and you're going through it.

If he's a jerk about it, thinking its an emotional ploy, well do you really want to be with someone you cannot lean on in hard times? Seriously, you have no reason to apologize for being emotionally upset right now.

As for him actions in general... sounds like he's feeling a little trapped. This might just be a phase, it might be just that he is done being tied to a relationship. I went through what my wife calls my "caveman phase" early in the relationship... I was considering leaving town for school and I was feeling trapped by the relationship a bit so I withdrew from her... went to my cave, as she says. Well... I came around before she lost patience, luckily for me.

So... I guess my point is focus on yourself... you're going through a lot right now. I wouldn't drive myself crazy over the guy... certainly don't wallk on eggshells for him. And he should know the truth about your friend... give him a chance to react kindly and properly. If he doesn't, that is telling of his nature and state of mind.

[DJ 'H']

Your boyfriends (Ex) sounds really selfish! If he knew you well enough, he would have know that you were not yourself and that something was wrong and would have perservered to try and find ut what was botherng you and help you through it.

I know that my boyfriend would, there have been times when I have been a bit distant and upset about something, but kept quiet, the first thing he says is "Whats up sexy" - or other occasions when I have said can I see you I need a hug; he instantly knows something's wrong and will drop anything or everything he is doing to be with me and find out what the problem is.

Seriously this guy is not worth your efforts. I am so sorry to hear about your friend. It sounds horrific and you must be pretty down at the moment.

Please try to be strong and know that there are plenty of wonderful people (like myself) here at AMHD who are always willing to listen and offer support.

You do not need added stresses like your ex and if I were you I would forget about him and move on.

You have to concentrate on yourself and put yourself first - don't worry about anyone and most certainly don't let yor ex make you feel like this is your fault or make you feel guilty. You have done nothing wrong and you have nothing to be guilty of.

My thoughts are with you xx

[fredg]

Hi,
I tried giving a good comment to KP's answer, but got the old pop-up saying I had to "pass out" more comments first.
Good answer!
If your boyfriend doesn't give you comfort and support in a time like this, then I would also seriously think about moving on, away from him.

[milliec]

Oh dear!
You do need a big hug. But in your situation right now, I don't think you can really see straight.
You began your first letter by mentioning that you have a communication problem with your boyfriend?
That's the way it was before this tragedy happened?
I understand why you could'nt speak at the beginning about the death of your friend - the pain is enormous, and it takes time to take in the whole tragedy, and assimilate the meaning of not seeing your friend ever again.
As to your boyfriends reactions:I don't know if you had problems before.
It's clear you're both very young, and dealing with such an issue is terribly difficult even foe more experienced persons.It might very well be that he's lost, confused. Doesn't know what to say, how to behave.
You mourn your friend right now, at this exact moment, you need his comfort, he doesn't know what to do.
Wait.
Don't do anything right now.
Give yourself your whole attention. You need it.
Try to find comfort elsewhere.
Can your parents help?
Your mom?
Her big hug might be extremely helpful. More than you can imagine.
And cry if you need to.
Don't hold tis back.
A big hug from me,
Millie

[milliec]

Dear' it's like this:
YOU need comfort now. And you try to get this from the people who can provide it to you, us here too.
You need to let all your sorrow out, and cry if you need to.
You know, we ARE different boys and girls. I know this a generalization, but there are differences. I won't get deeper into this issue right now, I'll say only what I think you need to think about right now.
It MIGHT BE (be careful, just MIGHT) that he cares, ar at least sensed your sorrow, but he, himself , doesn't know how to deal with it. He's confused, so he keeps his distance, the truth is , this might be his way to protect himself from these feelings.
It can be that he feels your sorrow, but he still doesn't want a romantic relationship.
We can't know, surely from here, we don't have enough information.
Did he help you in the past with other problems you had?
Could it be that right now he feels he needs time away because it's too heavy for him at the moment?
Time will tell.
If you wish SO strongly to call him, you might consider these things and keep yourself away until you're stronger and if and when you get in touch with him, don't make any comments about his absence now, when you feel you need him. Try not make your need for his comfort your base for your relationship with him.
Take care, and write whenever you feel you need it.
Millie

[talaniman]

Give yourself time to grieve and before you try to deal with a b/f who has a hard time dealing with you:cool: