[Jade35]

I find myself in a very difficult position. My son has been in a relationship with his girlfriend for a little over two years. She has not had an easy life. My son is 19 and his girlfriend is 18. I know she has never had stability or someone she can really count on in her life. I give her credit for her strength, at the same time I see how well she manipulates my son. She wants him by her side 24/7, I mean that literally. I have tried to be there for her, at the same time, I wonder if I have gotten too close. They have lived together, for the past year, in their own apartment. The last month has been a nightmare. They were asked to leave their apartment since they have two cats. They had planned on moving into a new apartment, and that fell through. Before they got their apartment she had basically moved in with us. Being that I live with my husband and older son, this was not a comfortable situation. We could not take the arguments and the drama. My husband and myself tried to talk with them about giving each other some space. We choose our words carefully. I have watched my son give up his friends, his love for music, his band, and virtually his young adulthood to keep her happy. My son and his father, my husband, are close. Now they are in need of a place to stay until they find a new apartment. That isn't a problem, she can stay with her Grandfather, and my son can stay here with their two cats. That is not what she wants, she wants him to be with her. After last night, I have (horrifyingly) seen the lengths she will go to achieve just that. As they were driving he tried to explain to her that they need to take up her Grandfather's offer, she stay there, and he stays here. At this point she attempted to jump out of their moving car. My son slammed on the brakes, and she got out, told him she never wanted to see him again, that it was over. He told her to call her father and have him pick her up, not the response she was looking for. She went back to their apartment, called my son, after some yelling she stated to him she was going to kill herself, she had nothing to live for. My son hung up the phone and called 911. Needless to say he was a wreck. The police called here and talked with my son, he explained the situation, including, she is very attached to me, and asked that they find her some place to stay. The next phone call came from her, she was very calm, and asked him to come over there, he did. I am very concerned and hoping someone can help me with this. The line has been crossed, threatening suicide to get what you want is not something I want for my son. How do we, without saying anything negative about his girlfriend, show my son he needs to end this unhealthy relationship? I am desperate here, I can't bear the thought of my son staying with someone who will go to such extremes to keep him, it's emotionally abusive.

[twinkiedooter]

She will continue to manipulate him until he can see this for himself. Am surprised that the police did not call an ambulance and have her admitted for at least 48 hours under a suicide watch at the local mental hospital. Next time she threatens suicide please have her taken away and properly evaluated at a mental institution.

She definitely needs some sort of psychiatric help if she has to resort to this type of stressful behavior towards your son. She is way too dramatic a personality to deal with day in and day out. She also is very immature as well.

[Tuscany]

She is controlling him, but if you intervene you could anger your son just when he needs you the most. I agree with twinkie, she needs to be evaluated. But most of all support your son, let him know that you are there for him. Now and always

[Choux]

I think your husband should offer your son a way out of this awful situation. He can offer to help your son get a full time job and the use of a bedroom in your house until he gets his life together without this girl. In a friendly, concerned manner, no accusations.

Deep down, your son may be looking for a way out.

Your son *has to learn* that he is not responsible for another person's actions. That person is responsible for him/herself!!

He has learned a hard lesson here being hooked up to a drama queen. Misery.

Good Luck, :)

[Jade35]

Thank you both for your help. As for her being evaluated, that's just what I wanted. When my son left to go over to her, I called the Sheriff's office and spoke to them, telling them she needs to be taken to the crisis center. I was told by the deputy, he didn't mean to be rude, but the officers are well trained and they will know what to do. I am not very happy with them, if they knew what to do she would be at the crisis center right now. I am also not happy with myself. I said some things to my son this morning, that I should not have said. I am finding, I can't continue to go on like this didn't happen. My son told me this morning, it was just something she said when she was upset, that was it for me. Things came flying out of my mouth before I could stop them. My son just pulled into the driveway, I don't know if he is alone. Wish me luck.. and thank you.

[KISS]

I would assume that threats of suicide would be enough to force an evaluation, but I could be wrong. Mom pulled that two when I was younger. She threatened to jump off a particular bridge.

None of the emotional threats ever materialized. Yea, she still uses emotonal abuse. What she uses has changed, but I'm conditoned to let it go in one ear and out the other.

Unfortunately people do commit suicide and I would bet that just like "blowing up" at people is not for the last statement. The last statement just put that person over the edge.

There are plenty of books on emotion abuse, but unfortunately dealing with it under the same roof is nearly impossible. Separation has been shown to help.

EDIT: Spelling

[N0help4u]

As long as he is going to put up with her behavior there isn't much that can be done. He needs to realize that if he puts his foot down she will eventually cool down her threats because she will see she is not getting her way by manipulating.
Just like when he stopped the car and made her get out he needs to keep that up.

[Jade35]

I think your husband should offer your son a way out of this awful situation. He can offer to help your son get a full time job and the use of a bedroom in your house until he gets his life together without this girl. In a friendly, concerned manner, no accusations.

Deep down, your son may be looking for a way out.

Your son *has to learn* that he is not responsible for another person's actions. That person is responsible for him/herself!!!

He has learned a hard lesson here being hooked up to a drama queen. Misery.

Good Luck, :)

In answer to your question Choux, my son is already working full time to support them. Both my husband and myself, have told him his room is always there for him. I do agree with you, my son does need to learn he is not responsible for her actions. I feel he is very torn, he knows what a mess her life has been, and he does feel a lot of responsibility for her. I know there is nothing I can do except wait it out. At this point that's the hard part, I can't accept her behavior, she crossed a line I feel (strongly), you don't cross.
I am angry, and I don't want to see her. I am fighting the urge to call the Sheriff's office.
I am also fighting the urge to call her parents, they know nothing about what she did. It can't always be our family, even though her parents are divorced and do not speak, I feel they need to know how far their daughter has gone. Then again, I would be surprised if they did anything. Thank you for letting me vent, and for all your good advice.

[N0help4u]

Your son can't be a super hero and he can't be expected to fix her.
Hopefully he comes to realize that.

[Rockstar714]

She sounds like my bf's ex-girlfriend. Psycho.

She would threaten suicide, didn't want him to leave her alone, would throw fits if he didn't do silly things with her/for her (among other things). It made him ridiculously unhappy to be with her, but he was afraid of what she'd do if he kicked her out and broke up with her.

Your son is probably torn. He doesn't want to admit defeat with this girl because he's already given up EVERYTHING to be with her. But at the same time you can probably tell he's not happy. You know what he needs to do, as well as the rest of us (get rid of her) but that's easy for us to say because we're not the emotionally involved parties.

Have you tried sitting down with him and talking (not spewing out enraged words because you're furious with how dumb this girl is) about how he feels about her and what she is doing to him? Actually sit down and talk for that purpose and just get it out of him. Talking him through the situation to make him realize things, asking him questions. Sometimes when questions are asked and the people that are answering actually say what they should do, it sinks in a little better.

[Jade35]

She sounds like my bf's ex-girlfriend. Psycho.

She would threaten suicide, didn't want him to leave her alone, would throw fits if he didn't do silly things with her/for her (among other things). It made him ridiculously unhappy to be with her, but he was afraid of what she'd do if he kicked her out and broke up with her.

Your son is probably torn. He doesn't want to admit defeat with this girl cos he's already given up EVERYTHING to be with her. But at the same time you can probably tell he's not happy. You know what he needs to do, as well as the rest of us (get rid of her) but thats easy for us to say because we're not the emotionally involved parties.

Have you tried sitting down with him and talking (not spewing out enraged words because you're furious with how dumb this girl is) about how he feels about her and what she is doing to him? Actually sit down and talk for that purpose and just get it out of him. Talking him through the situation to make him realize things, asking him questions. Sometimes when questions are asked and the people that are answering actually say what they should do, it sinks in a little better.

It does sound like the same situation. What finally made your boyfriend leave her?

I have tried everything, I have talked to him calmly, he does not want to hear it. I have only gotten upset twice, with him, about this. Not bad for two plus years. He does not like to open up emotionally about his problems. I feel at this point, it's another woman, telling him something. I know it's best if his Dad talks with him. He has a lot of respect for his Dad, and he listens to him, much more so than he does me. That in it self upsets me. He knows his girlfriend calls me and tells me everything. I can't help but think that puts a wedge between him and I. Only in the last few weeks have I asked him to tell her to stop. It was getting to the point where I couldn't do anything right in his eyes. He would always blind side me with something I did, that didn't make any sense. That's when I said, I do not want to be involved in your business. I have to calm down, I have to stop dwelling on this. I need to let things play out as they will.

[N0help4u]

Yeah he knows you are there when things do fall apart and he has to get back on his feet it is all you can do really. Keeping on him about it is about like taking sides where you can not win.

[Rockstar714]

She probably twists your words when she calls you. Girls like this are liars and will do anything to get attention.

My boyfriend finally left his ex due to my nagging (constantly) about breaking up with her, getting restraining orders and things like that because we were really good friends (we got together about 10 months after they broke up, so I was not the cause of the breakup). Plus he found her in bed with one of his friends when he came home from work one day. And this wasn't the first time. But it took a good year after their break up for her to finally stop calling him every 30 seconds (she will still try to call him about once a week with some story about how she's pregnant with his kid and that if he doesn't give her money she'll "tell everyone how he really is".) She would call his mom and cry about how he beat her (when she was the one leaving bruises on him) and finally he'd just had enough of her dramatics. She didn't want to get a job, help with the bills, clean or anything. She just wanted to sit around and smoke weed and sleep around all day when he wasn't home. She lied about the abuse she went through when she was growing up (come to find out from her brother that it was all lies).

Talk to your husband to put some sense in him. Yeah it hurts to have your son be closer to your husband, but at least he's talking to someone and not shutting everyone out. Tell your husband your concerns and relay them through him so that hopefully this situation goes away. And when she calls you, tell her to stop, don't do it through your son.

[Jade35]

She probably twists your words when she calls you. Girls like this are liars and will do anything to get attention.

My bf finally left his ex due to my nagging (constantly) about breaking up with her, getting restraining orders and things like that because we were really good friends (we got together about 10 months after they broke up, so I was not the cause of the breakup). Plus he found her in bed with one of his friends when he came home from work one day. And this wasn't the first time. But it took a good year after their break up for her to finally stop calling him every 30 seconds (she will still try to call him about once a week with some story about how she's pregnant with his kid and that if he doesn't give her money she'll "tell everyone how he really is".) She would call his mom and cry about how he beat her (when she was the one leaving bruises on him) and finally he'd just had enough of her dramatics. She didn't want to get a job, help with the bills, clean or anything. She just wanted to sit around and smoke weed and sleep around all day when he wasn't home. She lied about the abuse she went through when she was growing up (come to find out from her brother that it was all lies).

Talk to your husband to put some sense in him. Yeah it hurts to have your son be closer to your husband, but at least he's talking to someone and not shutting everyone out. Tell your husband your concerns and relay them through him so that hopefully this situation goes away. And when she calls you, tell her to stop, don't do it through your son.

Thank you so much, it did help.

One thing I do know, she is not lying about her life as a child. As upset as I am, my heart still goes out to her. The girls' own mother would not let her stay overnight at her house last night, why? Because her husband didn't want her there. She doesn't really talk about her life as a child, it's more bits and pieces I've picked up on. Her mother didn't even know she spent the summer here, a few summer's ago. Her own mother told me this, she was upset since she didn't know us at the time, she thought she was with her father. That speaks volumes. I know she has many things to deal with, if she only acknowledged this, and attempted to learn how to be OK with herself... I wouldn't feel the way I do.

[KissMe10der]

I had a bipolar ex.. who every time I talked to him about what I felt he was doing wrong.. he would get super depressed and tell me he didn't feel he deserved to live.

I started seeing a counciler, who I talked to about him. HONESTLY, she helped me realize.. as much as for I cared for him. That he wasent for me.

Anyway, point is.. Offer counciling to your son.. he could even bring her when he is ready.

[talaniman]

We hate when our kids grow up, and make mistakes, but we have to let them make those mistakes, and learn for themselves. That doesn't mean we don't support them when they fall, so just be their when he needs you, and when he has had enough, he will take his own actions.

[harleysmom74]

Maybe your son needs to give her an ultimatum. He cannot continue a relationship with her until she starts getting professional help. If she really loves him and wants a relationship with him, she'll seek out the help she needs. Maybe he could even go with her to be that support system she needs. She definitely needs help, and will continue acting this way until she gets it.

[Rockstar714]

The ultimatum would work, but he HAS TO stick to his guns about it. So many guys (and girls) are all "if you don't do this I'm breaking up with you" but then they just continuing to let them do (or don't do) whatever it is that bugs them in the first place.

For example boyfriend with girlfriend that throws fits and manipulates to get her way. Bf says "stop or I'll break up with you." Gf gets better for a little while, but goes right back to the old ways and boyfriend stays and just deals with it, nothing learned.

[Jade35]

Again, thank you ALL for your help and insight. Now it's time for me to take in your words, and my own thoughts as well. I am not going to focus on them breaking up, it really isn't fair to either of them. If my son truy loves this girl, I want him to be with her. I have brought up counseling with my son, and he is not at all responsive to the idea. He has a lot of pride, and I wonder if he feels counseling is, some how saying you can't do it on your own. (Reminders of my own mother, there). I don't know where he gets this from, he is well aware that my husband, myself, his brother, and other family members have seen a counselor from time to time. I just realized something, that might be exactly the reason he doesn't like the thought of counseling. To go in another direction, for a moment, my family has a history of anxiety/depressive disorders. In my mid thirties anxiety started with me, I didn't say anything to anyone, I had seen my oldest sister go through a horrible depression, I knew my middle sister had been taking valium for years, and I didn't want to be next. I fought it for months, I lost, the biggest mistake I made was not saying it outloud, and getting the help I needed before it overcame me completely. I am now 49 years old, aware of my fears, and able, with help, to not let it interfere with me living my life. My son, like me, may not want to go down the counseling road.. just like I didn't want to recognize what was happening to me, I didn't want any of that in my life, so I choose to ignore it. I think he is doing the same. I know he isn't happy. I want him to understand, he could be happy, with the help of a good counselor, they could get to the bottom of her behavior, and in the end lead a happy, healthy life together. Now, I have to enlist the help of my husband. I also have to stop tap dancing around my son's girlfriend and be straight with her. She knows we are not happy with her, and I know she is afraid to come here. That has to end. I can't talk to her if I don't see her. Can you tell I am very optimistic in nature, when the shock wears off? Well, there are fences to be mended and it's time to get to it.