[tdh20]

This is awkward and personal (brutaly honest and hard to talk about) but I don't know where to turn. I lost custody of my son 8yrs ago due to alcoholism problems. I have now been sober for 8 YEARS! Went to college, did everything I could do to turn my life around which I have done successfully. I am now married, in the process of buying a home, working, have done and still doing intense therapy, etc.
Anyway, the court order said I had every other weekend visits, two weeks vacation a year, holidays, etc. I am having a difficult time with the "new" step parent in my son's life who is trying to put as much a stop on our visits and relationship. Talking very badly about me and not letting my past issues go. Going into detail about my past, not giving me any credit on how hard I have worked to better my life for my children (and myself) my accomplishments, my pastor and therapist are putting the best of words in for me, my husband is awesome, hard working, great values, and a great parental figure.
This other step parent is signing my son up for sports and making plans so it is interfering with my visits! The court order itself stated that my son could NOT be taken out of state without my written consent and they moved out of state!! When my son was in therapy, I wanted to be a part of it to work out the issues I have caused between my son and my relationship, so she (the stepmom) took him out of therapy so we couldn't be together in it. She say's he has all kinds of problems because of me and that she is the one "cleaning up my mess" as she put it (that feels sooooo horrible I cry to sleep at nights). The bio-Dad won't say a word or speak up. She runs the show which I don't think is fair, it should be him and I doing this! I voice my concerns and it doesn't help. They are suppose to drive one way and won't! They won't take, nor do they want any support so I set up an account for my son here and put money in it as often as I can and I DO! I pay for school clothes, other needs, but they don't want it. They (she) just want me out!
The frustrating thing is, I called a lawyer and the lawyer said it doesn't matter now that they moved out of state without my consent since I waited all this time and never brought it to court sooner when they moved. It was about 5 years ago but I wanted to avoid chaos and putting my son through any more issues, fighting, court, etc. I just moved closer to them, but still in the state we both lived in at the time.
If the court decision and custody papers say they can't move without my consent does this expire after a certain time?? I thought It stood no matter what? I got my other son back in my custody because I am fit and a good parent, now my son is turning 14 and with the influence of the step parent and bad talk of me, plus me hardly seeing him puts a damper on my son and my relationship. I look like a big jerk saying "you can't do your sport on my weekend and will make him hate me and now he is older and I am told he could soon decide (especially with the help of this influence) not to see me at all! Is this true? I don't want him to hate me but I don't want to loose him! p;ease any help on this matter I would appreciate!
thank you, helpless mom

[ScottGem]

OK, First, you need to speak to your attorney. They can review the court documents and determine whether any violations have occurred. From there you can decide what to do about enforcing the order.

As to the Step. The next time you get your son alone explain to him (if you haven't already) that you went through a bad time and made mistakes. But you have worked hard to turn your life around. Ask him to judge you by what you are today, not what anyone says about your past. Do not directly bad mouth the step. If he asks explain you do not understand why she acts the way she does. Suggest he discuss it with her. At 14 he is old enough to decide what he wants to about sports and visits etc.

Good luck

[fredg]

Hi,
Congratulations on your 8 years!! Just one day at a time...
I went throug a divorce after 7 yrs of marriage; went through child support, etc. Re-married 3 years later, now going on 30 yrs with a wonderful woman. Her ex showed similar patterns as you describe, with his wife.
It's something that is really horrible to go through, with some else "bad-mouthing" you all the time... been there with my wife's ex, know what you mean.
At 14 yrs old, your son is really close (if not already there) to decide for himself in front of a Judge or in a closed hearing. You really need a lawyer. I am not a Lawyer, nor a Professional in this area, just one with some experience.
Please get a lawyer, explain it all, and I am sure you can get some good advice on how to proceed. Get one recommended by friends, or one with a good reputation in Child Custody Cases, etc.
I do wish you the very best, and good luck.

[talaniman]

Please seek the advice of a good lawyer and congrats for turning your life around. I personally know several people to go through exactly what you went through and saw first hand the personal pain and strife it can cause when ex's try to manipulate children against the absent parent.In the case of my own brother his ex talked so bad about him that everyone hated him but it wasn't till his kids where older did everyone find out they had been calling him collect and he had been sending them money directly and secretly. They moved cross-country to be around their dad and they all are thicker than thieves and he is enjoying his grandkids and kids immensely. A former neighbor of mine had his daughter's estranged because the ex moved from Indiana to Kansas and even though he paid child support and wrote them constantly he went years without any word of his children until the older one (17) found letters in a shoe box where the ex had hidden them and after reading the letters both girls had a major hissy fit against the mother and eventually moved to Indiana to be with their dad. My point is no matter what these dumb ex's do children will always resent being lied to and cheated of their other parent! Hope this helps and keep your faith that things will work out, Good luck!:cool: :)

[fredg]

HI,
After reading the comments before this post, I would like to add something about a child making up their own mind about things.
My wife's daughter was 5 yrs old when I met her, after my first divorce. Her dad only took her for visitations, just to get her away from her Mom! Even our lawyer told us that. He would take her for the weekend, take her to his parents (her grandparents), then leave her to go off hunting for the rest of the weekend! This always happened, not just once in a while.
As my step-daughter got older, she begin to realize what her "real" father was doing, and it really hurt her. Both me and my wife never talked "bad" about her "real" father, but she finally figured it out for herself, around 12 or 13 yrs old. She now has her own family, and we have a wonderful 8 yrs old grandson.
To this day, she treats me more like her "real" Dad, coming to visit us, about 5 hrs drive away. She very rarely goes to see her "real" Dad, about 500 miles from where she lives. The only way she does if he sends airline tickets, which only happens about once a year (he has plenty of money).
So, kids "figure out" things for themselves!