[reesetess]

I've been on this board for a day now. And have already had some very political confrontations and some good advice.

But really, I can't fix myself.
I'm 46, a convicted felon for a DUI. I lost my job 7 months ago, with I swear to my maker, no fault of mine.
I can't get a job, because I am a convicted felon(don't argue with me on that). I am on my internet and foot everyday looking for work.
I don't drive, I can't afford to get my license back, it's 1000.00 a zillion classes, then I have to buy a car get insurance, and pay for a breathalizer in my car for two years...

I haven't had sex in a year, because I don't want to. I'm waiting for my landlord who has had my Rental Assistance application ( I won a lottery for it) since May to sign me a lease he keeps saying he is doing... This is my last week of unemployment. Which has yet to come.

The governor in my state is taking forever to get the extended benefits going, sometime early August... she says.

I'm trying to stay stay sober. Which is not easy for me. I have no friends in this town, and I can't move out of this town because of my probation.

I have two beautiful children one 27 with a husband and two grandchildren. And I have my sweet K, who goes to school at NorthEastern and works for Wellington Investments, and they are the most incredible children you could have.

I have an 86 year old father who is constantly in and out of the hospital. They don't know what is wrong with him. He is my friend too.
But I can never see him because I have no car , and my 5 brothers and sisters are too busy with their lives.. I am the youngest...

I keep looking to Jesus to help me. I go to a church with my brother once in awhile that I love, but there is nothing in my town that is like it. And his is out of state. So legally I shouldn't be there anyway.

Jesus does help me , or I wouldn't be here right now.
I'm a cutter, for those of you who don't know what a cutter is, you cut yourself to feel better. Yeah , it's sick.

I keep asking Jesus to guide me, yet I've always felt the devil had and has the best of me, or the worst.

If you don't understand what I am talking about , you are lucky...

If you suggest counseling, I'm in it. I take klonopin for my anxiety, which I am trying to get off.

I'm so afraid, like my brother says, one day I just may not wake up. Or take one of my deaf defying feats, and end up dead, or in jail..

It would kill my daughter K. and My Dad.. . I mean my death would really affect their lives, because there is nothing more than I want than to die... But I can't do that to them..

So what do I do? I know this was long but I thought I should explain myself completely.

What should I do?

What else, trying to think of the downs...

[jakester]

To be completely honest, reesetess, it sounds as if you have made up your mind that there is nothing that you can do to better your situation.

You couldn't have scripted a worse scenario than what you described because in every instance, you have seemed to create a barrier to a way out:

1) Convicted of DUI... can't drive anymore

2) Lost your job... can't find work because you're a felon (and you don't want to be convinced that there might be work for you)

3) Tried to cope with anxiety with prescription meds but they don't work and now you're trying to get off them

4) Claim that you always ask Jesus to help you but feel that the Devil is has you

5) You've tried counseling and you're presently in it and that doesn't work

6) You can't see your dad because you have no car and your siblings are too busy for you

7) You mentioned how great your kids are but you did not comment on your relationship to them but your reference to them has a quality to it of "distant"..

Dude, you are CYNIC... for people like you there is no way out because you really don't believe there is one and when someone suggests one, you already have an answer as to why it wouldn't work.

Sorry bro, get real. Why you are even bothering to ask what other people think is striking to me because I really don't think you'd listen anyway. What you are really looking for is someone to feel sorry for you. Man, life is hard for everyone. This world is hard and everyone feels its sting.

The moment you humble yourself and admit that you got yourself into the mess you are in, you might start to have the courage to face reality. And as far as Jesus in concerned, I don't he's really interested in solving our problems as much as he's interested in us learning wisdom and facing into the reality of who we really are and seeing our need for his grace... because without mercy we will never overcome this world.

You might say I'm harsh or unloving, but I'm just being real with you, man. I could :) and say it'll be all right but what good would that do you. Being honest is the most loving thing anyone could ever do for us.

[Choux]

So, I guess you have hit bottom?

Time to go to AA.

[JustMarried614]

I would also look for a different counselor. Some people have different methods than others. Or a psychiatrist may suggest that you try different medication. Not all are exactly a like. That's a start. Also, maybe you could get a bike. You could at least make it from point A to point B faster than on foot, and if you do find a job it's a better mode of transportation. One of my bosses had too many dui's and he took his bike to work everyday.

[reesetess]

Jakester: I don't think you are being harsh, I think you have me pegged completely. Are you a shrink? I have a wonderful relationship with my children, my daughter in Boston calls me everyday. And my other daughter has a lot of her own issues, but we are okay. As far as the job thing goes, I just feel that way because I have applied for so many that I am qualified for, and I keep getting no responses, so I and my work counselor can't think of any other reason than the felony...
I really appreciate your honesty. A good kick in the butt helps sometimes.. Thank you

[reesetess]

So, I guess you have hit bottom?

Time to go to AA.

I totally agree, I need to get to the ones in my end of town, then maybe I can hook up with people to get to the ones on the other side of town...

[reesetess]

I would also look for a different counselor. Some people have different methods than others. Or a psychiatrist may suggest that you try different medication. Not all are exactly a like. That's a start. Also, maybe you could get a bike. You could at least make it from point A to point B faster than on foot, and if you do find a job it's a better mode of transportation. One of my bosses had too many dui's and he took his bike to work everyday.

I can't get a different counselor because I have no insurance. She is state funded.

And I own 3 bikes it is how I have gotten around for the past 2 years. There is just not a lot of job oppurtunity where I live, I am more than willing to ride my bike to get me where I have to.

Thanks for the suggestions though. I appreciate it.

[BigS]

reesetess you really messed up. Don't be mad, yes the world is prejudice and to hear about your many DUIs one pictures all those that have killed many by drinking under the influence or drunk. I think the most remorse is the fact that you have gotten caught. Really what do you want? As for God he is there for all of us but we think if we don't get what we want right away he has forsaken us. God knows best and sometimes we do end up thanking God for unanswered prayers. He has a plan for you; read your bible everyday and do what's right. You will be surprised.

As for the no jobs... well, well, what does one have to do to graduate to DUI felon. How would your life change if you got to drive again, would you find a job or have a few drinks before you find one. You can't afford to drink anymore because"one is one too many and a thousand not enough". You do have a great family and wonderful children... to be so successful under the circumstances. A drunk is not alone he drags his family along with him.

Your dad Oh he is probably suffering from a broken heart, his baby son has become a slave to alcohol and he can't save him. He probably feels like a failure as a dad. The world seems to be against you or is it "what goes around come around...sometimes sooner than you think."
Look back and see all who have been there for you.. your family, they stood by your side through it all. That is what family and friends do... they love without judgement. Unfortunately you must have betrayed their trust over and over and over again?
Look at all that you have, try to see less of the negative and focus on the positive. The way I see it there is only one place for you to go and that is up. What's done is done, love and forgive yourself, focus on praising and thanking your family for being there always for you; do some volunteer work and talk to others about the consequences of DUIs and DWIs; you can really let it hit home to those following in your foot steps.
Not sure what you want to hear but it took a while to get where you are at so it will probably take twice or three times as long to repair it. I doubt feeling sorry for yourself is going to work.. it hasn't yet and not much sympathy out here. I am glad you are finally ready to face reality... or are you?
Remember you know what others will never know, can you look yourself straight in the eye. So you can preach all day long but you know what is really in your heart.