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slartiste · Jul 12, 2008, 10:52 PM

I met this girl about 3 years ago. She was dating a guy at the time but I became very close friends with her. I was in the army and was deployed about a year after meeting her. After I returned her relationship was shaky with her boyfriend. I then started to talk with her and get pretty close. All of a sudden she and her boyfriend started to get back together so I decided to leave her be for a while because I did not want to get in the way and have her do something she would regret in the future. Well about a month ago I finally managed to call and talk to her again and she since then has gotten pregnant with someone else and married him because of it. As I've talked with her, she seems to be very unhappy and only married because she was pushed into it by her parents because of the baby. She says she is going to leave him after she has the baby. What should I do? Tell her my true feelings and that I like her or just leave her be with her "husband"? I don't know what to do.

ChihuahuaMomma · Jul 12, 2008, 11:08 PM

Let her make up her own mind. Just be her friend.

JBeaucaire · Jul 13, 2008, 10:50 AM

Her life has become forever embroiled with her husband and his family. It's a forever thing. It's inappropriate for you to now dangle ANY carrots in front of her at all.

Put yourself in THEIR shoes. You got pregnant, got married and need to work your life out... how would you feel if your new wife's started getting courted by other men?

Don't do it. Character is what you DO, not what you feel.

slartiste · Jul 13, 2008, 01:03 PM

That is so true. Thank you for sharing that.

Fr_Chuck · Jul 13, 2008, 03:09 PM

And to add, she had boyfriend, did not have, went back, got pregnant, got married, again unhappy and so on. It sounds like a revolving door of in and out relationships, looking for something and not finding it.

slartiste · Jul 13, 2008, 08:38 PM

What if I'm what she's looking for. This guy is abusive and she probably will not stay with him long.

JBeaucaire · Jul 14, 2008, 04:52 AM

"what if'... yeah, what if? Not a great way to start life-affecting choices.

"I know these are the facts but can I ignore them because of my feelings?" No, you can't ignore the reality of the situations just because.

slartiste · Jul 14, 2008, 06:44 PM

Yes, it's just hard because I like her so much but you all are right. I do need to think facts and not feelings, in this instance anyway.

ylaira · Jul 14, 2008, 07:13 PM

Just believe that she's really unhappy if she divorces him and woe you back. Keep yourself from her mess "for now" and don't be an accessory to an adultery. You wouldn't want your wife to be seduced by someone else either.

slartiste · Jul 14, 2008, 07:45 PM

True, you there's no way I'd get involved with her still married haha I wouldn't do that her. Ill just wait it out

ylaira · Jul 14, 2008, 07:59 PM

Originally Posted by slartiste

true, ya theres no way i'd get involved with her still married haha i wouldnt do that her. ill just wait it out

Good! I hope you wont wait forever though. IF EVER she will come back to you, hope u'll be indespensible by then, you're the one who will despise ha ha ha

slartiste · Jul 14, 2008, 08:57 PM

Originally Posted by ylaira

=you're the one who will despise ha ha ha

What do you mean?

talaniman · Jul 14, 2008, 10:52 PM

I think you should not influence or pressure her in any way. Stay out of her life, even as a friend at this time, and let her get her own head together.

ylaira · Jul 14, 2008, 10:59 PM

Originally Posted by slartiste

true, ya theres no way i'd get involved with her still married haha i wouldnt do that her. ill just wait it out

Originally Posted by ylaira

Good! I hope you wont wait forever though. IF EVER she will come back to you, hope u'll be indespensible by then, you're the one who will despise ha ha ha

Originally Posted by slartiste

what do you mean?

Its just a joke that at least when you become better you will be one to be waited not the one waiting or being dumped.

ChihuahuaMomma · Jul 14, 2008, 11:20 PM

Just the fact that you put married in "" shows that you don't take her marriage seriously. Just leave her alone, and let her work out her own marriage. Don't interfere, I would highly suggest moving on with your life.

hjpan · Jul 15, 2008, 07:16 PM

She's like a door-mat. Dirty, clean, dirty again... needs cleaning

don't go for her.

agireland · Jul 16, 2008, 01:55 PM

Think about this though, she is having a child with this man. He is going to forever be in her life as long as he wants to be in the child's life. She can't take his child away from him without a long legal battle, so you are going to have to be prepared for a lot of drama. I know this for a fact because my girlfriend is divorced with two kids and she has to share custody with her ex 50/50. It is a mess. They split holidays and we can't move more than two hours apart from him. Which means unless I leave her by herself or my family comes here, I don't get to see my family for the holidays because they all live 5 hours away. Just giving you a heads up what to expect. I had no clue what I was getting into, but I wouldn't change a thing even if I had known. But I wish someone had told me.

HistorianChick · Jul 16, 2008, 02:06 PM

All the things that you've said "yes, but" could possibly be true... but you answered your own question... She is married.

Don't do anything. Let her and her husband make up their minds. Don't make yourself "available", don't get involved... she's married. That's it.

ms williams · Jul 16, 2008, 07:48 PM

Things are different now. She will have a baby soon. Will you still want to be with her when she is a busy tired mom? I say if you answer yes to that question, be there for her and be her friend. See what happens. If she was happily married she would not be confiding in you. She could be looking to you for friendly support or she could feel the same way about you. If you feel like you can deal with being the sancho hang in there and see what happens.

confusedbyitall · Jul 16, 2008, 08:58 PM

I would say given what you have written is true you probably should let her know that you care for her. Don't tempt her, and don't allow her to give in to her feelings for you if she has them and then wants to show them by spending a lot of time with you or doing physical things. As a friend, to a friend in need especially, letting her know there is someone who cares about her wellbeing and happiness is what seems appropriate. She might see after she decides to get away from this guy that you are for her. Don't tempt her, though.

Regarding his being abusive to her, I wonder in what way he's abusive. If it is physical, you should help her get away sooner, for that reason only.