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imsointoyou · Jul 8, 2008, 08:27 PM

[F]
Me and my boyfriend have been together for over 2 years and we've been through some pretty rough times. When we don't agree on something and I try to talk about it he just assumes we're going to fight and won't talk to me about the problem. I don't yell at him when we disagree, I do cry but is crying really that big a deal to him?

JBeaucaire · Jul 8, 2008, 10:42 PM

Are you asking if crying is a fair tactic to use in relational interaction? Only if you've been persecuted or betrayed. If you break into tears when you're faced with opposing opinions/positions/desires/goals or just general lack of communications, then that's unreasonable.

But it happens all the time. A cryer tends to over-indulge this skill.

Or, are you asking if crying is a big deal to just your guy? In that case, I'd love to hear his answer to that question.

simoneaugie · Jul 8, 2008, 11:00 PM

Some men are frightened and frustrated by tears. Their focus is on solving and fixing. Sometimes you just need to talk, hear him talk and work things out. When you cry, he can't fix it or solve it or control it. Maybe you two could talk about talking. Ask him how he feels when you break into tears. Remind him that it's not his job to stop the tears, just to listen to what you're saying.

stranger79 · Jul 9, 2008, 05:15 AM

I think most men like to see their parteners crying, BUT it's not because they are bad. It makes them feel that they are men and their parteners are females. Tears don't make females week, they make them stronger, it's this strange weakness that make women strong. It's my opinion.

KalFour · Jul 9, 2008, 05:38 AM

In spite of modern "equality" of the sexes, a lot of boys still get brought up with the idea that tears are weak, so learn to bottle their emotions.

I (though female) never cry while people can see me. It's just not something I do. In a previous relationship, I was dating a sensitive new aged guy who was quite comfortable with tears.

When two people are in an argument and one is crying, it makes it very difficult for the other person. It makes them feel guilty and ashamed, and unable to finish the argument. If crying happens often, it means a lot of things go unsaid. So while crying is perfectly natural and OK, it might be making him uncomfortable. He probably just doesn't know how to respond.

Try talking to him about it. Be as open as possible.

Kal

imsointoyou · Jul 9, 2008, 11:23 AM

Thanks for the help. I don't use tears to get my own way or make my boyfriend feel bad it just happens when I'm upset and it's not hysterical over dramatic crying. Thanks a lot for helping me realize that tears may frustrate him. I'll definitely try talking to him about talking.