[tommy10]

I would like to start by thanking those of you who have answered my questions in the past as they have been very helpful. I have posted here a few other times and have found this board to be a very good sounding board for issues that have come up.

First, a little background on my current marriage. We are both on our 2nd marriage, we both have 2 kids(ages 12,10,5,3, mine being the youngest) so needless to say we have been having the normal transition phase of blending twofamilies which is stressful enough. Her 1st marriage ended with her ex cheating on her and pretty much starting a new family in Italy while still married to her. He is currently living there with the woman he had the affair with and their children. This happened 5 years ago. We have been married now for just a few months so, again, we are still getting in the swing of things.

The other day I found a letter her ex had written to her in regards to the affair he was having and in essence offering an apology. I gave her the letter and she decided to keep it for her kids( which I totally understood), the thing that bothered me and started this whole mess was that after the letter he continued to have the affair and eventually get the other woman pregnant. When I told her my opinion on this she stated she was going to keep the letter not only for her kids but for herself as well. I was blown away by this and just could not understand why she would hold onto something that brought back so much pain. It just seemed to me she was holding onto it as it was a last shred or piece of her marriage.

I expressed that I didn't think it was healthy for her to do this as it seemed to drain away energy we could be using to help us grow as a couple and still holding on to the past( again, I had no problem with the letter being saved for her kids). I know I over-reacted to this as I was very frustrated, so now I'm asking for advice on the best way to handle this and try and make her not feel so much hurt. In a way, I want to fill that void that was created by that infidelity, but when these things happen it makes me feel as if I haven't done that. Thanks again for any suggestions.

[N0help4u]

Maybe she wants to keep it as a reminder for in case she starts to have sentimental feelings for him it will reassure her she did the right thing.

[IM4U]

I think it would be well for you not to try to compensate for her past pain in the previous marriage, but to just be the husband she needs you to be for her now.

Also, I do not see value in pressing her about the letter. That matter may take care of itself in time. The letter does not have to intimidate you about who you are to your wife.

If you were my son or she my daughter, I would just like to see the two of you be marriage partners to each other and parents to those precious kids. As you say, blending the two families is challenge enough!

[smokedetector]

I keep things that could remind me of past pain, but just as kind of like a page in a book, like a chapter in my life that is now closed. Unless she has like framed it and hung it on the wall, it is a part of her, whether she wants it or not, and it's nice to have tangibles of things, even things that had hurt us. It's just a reminder of what was, not for her to hold on to her past relationship and wish it back. As for what to do now, just try to explain what you *thought* it meant and tell her you realize that it is part of her past, part of her, and you understand. Apologize and see what she says. Put it behind you and keep on keeping on. Everyone makes a mistake. Fix it and move one. From what little you've said, it seems like a pretty healthy relationship. Best of luck.