Am I asking for too much?

Catseyes · Mar 18, 2006, 06:48 PM

Tonight is another night I feel like this, as my husband is once again on a business trip.
Here is my problem :
My husband and I have have know each other for 5years and married for 2.
We both have the same degree ( MS in Chem Eng ). Because he was relocated, I resigned from my job to follow him.
Now I am at home as I couldn't find a job there ( he 's relocated every 6months, so no one wants to hire someone for that short, even Walmart... ).
The thing is that even though he's young, he is very important for the company he works for.
So he's at least gone 2 days a week. Lately, he's been gone for 2weeks . He'll be back next Friday, just to leave for another 2weeks.
The thing is that I can't take it anymore. I love him, but he's never with me. Even when he comes back from work, the 1st thing he does is plug his laptop...
Because of his job, we live very very comfortably, even without an income from me. So I have comfort . But I want him.
Is that asking for too much ? Am I being a child here ?

fredg · Mar 19, 2006, 06:04 AM

Hi, Catseyes,
No, you are not being selfish and you do have a very valid and real issue.
I am 64, married 29 yrs (second marriage), and the one thing I have learned is that for a relationship to be successsful, there has to be Compromise.
Your husband's work keeps him away from home a lot, as many in America have to do also. He is "tied up" with work, and there just isn't any time for you.
I would highly suggest that you and he have a very honest talk. Tell him how you feel. There is always a way; all he has to do is find it. Maybe his being gone from home is just something he has to do for a couple of months or so. If it's to be an ongoing thing with this job, then he will have to make some decisions about your relationship.
If talking with him doesn't work, then perhaps the both of you, together, should see a Marriage Counselor, and see if a third person can help you two work this out.
The other alternative is not nice; separation and possibly divorce.
Please tell him how you feel, and see what he says, and what he will do about it. All the money in the world does not mean happiness! I do wish you the best, and good luck.

Catseyes · Mar 19, 2006, 07:38 AM

Thank you Fredg fro your reply.
The thing is that he knows how I feel because we've always functioned this way : talking talking and talking ( and I am the type of person who prefers to say too much than too little ).
His answer is that his jobs brings us comfort and a very bright future. He says he's working so hard now so that he will get the most rewarding jobs. My problem here is that when he will get those jobs, it will be even worse !
The funny thing is that I am 200% sure he's not seeing another woman : if he doesn't have time for one woman, he cannot possibly have time for 2 !
I have tried once to come with him on his business trips, but it was worse than staying at home : hotel room, with no knowledge of the area.
We were planning to begin a family, but I teased him : " you won't even be here for the birth day " and stuff like that.
Thanks Fredg for your time.

fredg · Mar 19, 2006, 09:42 AM

Hi,
You are quite welcome.
If your husband plans on continuing working in this manner, providing a very good income, then you have to decide if you wish to stay in the relationship. I have known others who feel the same; the man being away from home for weeks. They put their jobs before their wives; and sometimes they have no choice. They can't find any other job that pays as well.
It's a "toss-up" between the job and the family.
Personally, I am not saying all this is "bad". I am saying that is it really worth it to the family? Possibly living on a little less income would make a family happier.
There are pros and cons to both sides.
Best of luck.

fredg · Mar 19, 2006, 10:37 AM

HI,
Again, you are quite welcome.
I know it's going to be a tough decision; accepting the way things are, or what to do. Best of luck.

phillysteakandcheese · Mar 19, 2006, 12:10 PM

Is it possible you can travel with him? Potentially turning a trip here and there into a series of romantic weekends? At least you have the chance to go for dinner, and see different cities and sights with him.

Fr_Chuck · Mar 19, 2006, 02:22 PM

I did not learn this lesson before it was too late to ruin my first marriage,
I was one of the top Industrial Engineers in the Nation, I have publised works in various publications over the years. I became one of the top VP of Engineers in my industry. But in doing it, I had a drinking problem, used some minor drugs ( sadly common in the field I was in) and had went though a wife and a few girl friends.

I had sold my soul (so to speak) to the company. I found out too late that there is no loyality from the company, once I could not produce or once I was a liablitly I was not needed any longer.

But for every job there is a trade off, sometimes it is lower pay, other times it is travel, or perhaps the hours.

First he is most likely afriad to tell them NO, he can't do this or that trip.

So often one has to make a choice to make less money or to make more money and not have much of a home life.

Next of course you can find a job, just don't tell them that you are only there 5 months, they don't have to know that. Next what about a home or internet based business

I walked away from 100,000 or more a year ( this was 15 years ago) and walked away to a job making less than 30,000, guess what I am twice as happy.

I don't have the large house on Lake George with the live in nanny for the kids, I don't have the fancy sports car and ended up going bankrupt but what I did have some time with my wife, time with my kids, and time to live the way I wanted.

But often the person working, works longer and harder than they have to, and the company really don't care. But they believe it does

s_cianci · Mar 19, 2006, 07:40 PM

You both have master's degrees in chemical engineering. You should both be able to write your own tickets and get jobs anywhere so location shouldn't even be an issue. Neither should travel or any other conditions that either you or he deem undesirable. The point is that you should both be able to get jobs that present satisfactory conditions for the both of you. The fact that he hasn't seems to suggest that something else is going on. I'd have a serious talk with him about the whole situation. Tell him that you don't want him traveling and having to relocate so much. With the skills and education that the two of you possess you should be able to easily find jobs that won't require that since it's not satisfactory to you.

blessedmom · Jun 12, 2006, 12:45 PM

Hi, no you are not asking too much. You didn't get married to be alone. You are not being selfish. I understand that he needs to travel for business. Is there a way that you can travel with him? Can he not find a job that doesn't cause him to travel so much? I hope things work out for you!

Blessed mom

JoeCanada76 · Jun 12, 2006, 03:32 PM

No you are not asking too much. I like the suggestion about is it possible for you to travel with him. That is a unique idea and a good solution. Then you will have more time together. If there is a refusel or not being able to work that out, I would be questioning why!

valinors_sorrow · Jun 12, 2006, 04:03 PM

Here is a little something from another perspective. I am married to a truck driver (gasp gasp, I know). We both traded in high powered jobs that no longer suited us and chose what we had a passion for. I was not so keen on his choice but we have made it work. He is gone 2-3 weeks at a time, home 3-5 days at a time. Our neighbors call us newlyweds. We do fight fast, I must admit LOL.

It takes adjusting and we clearly have had some challenges getting there. But when we do spend time together, it is quality time all the way, BABY! And I have gone with him for fun, and might again too.

Part of what makes your situation so hard is that your life is too empty. Fix that with a job, a do-it-yourself business or a volunteer job (pays handsomely sometimes just not in cash) or some interests. Shorten your availability to better match his and you may find him more receptive too.

I know we are saving for retirement and that this sacrifice is also for that. But he is happy, and I am too and it somehow works. Remind yourslef that you are both sacrificing. Use that wonderful mind of yours! Think outside that box and see what you can invent here for a solution. I hope this adds a little dimension to it.

talaniman · Jun 12, 2006, 04:26 PM

Great post Val-

No catseye you are not asking too much,but as you both are educated what would you do if the shoe was on the other foot? What would you do if you didn't have a choice in what school your child can attend ,or the car, you drive. Would you waste your education and take a lesser job so you could be home more? Would you be satisfied with a lesser job period.

Do you find yourself with too much time on your hands and nothing to stimulate your mind? How about finding something to do and when your husband comes home, spend quality time with him. He is sacrificing a lot to provide for a better life with more opportunities for his family

If that is not what you want then tell him honestly to be home more and you really don't want the comfortable living but him at home more and maybe he can get a less paying job and you may have to work(kids grow up and may want to go to college, or retirement?) to pay the rising utilities, but you'll be happier with him home more.

Support this man with all you have and take advantage of that comfortable living and save his money and do things for him and your family that many can't and make a comfortable home for him to come to when he can enjoy his family.:cool: ;)

Catseyes · Jun 12, 2006, 06:39 PM

Thank you all for your posts.
I have found a job where he will have his next assignment. But he usually travels a lot internationally : for the last 4 weeks, he's in Europe , and comes back to spend the weekends with me. So, even if he's supposed to work at one place , it doesn't mean he is there.
I am conscious it's extremely tiring for him. Still, I feel like I'm the 5th wheel: I had to beg him to be here on a weekday so he could bring me to the hospital for a required surgery.
I've learned to live alone again, which makes it tough when he comes back : I'm used to a bed just for me among other things :o .
Sometimes, I feel like we've grown apart. He's constantly talking about his job, and I constantly talk to my mom to compensate my loneliness.
I am conscious having such a great career will provide very good money to the household for us to live comfortably. But I've got the same resume, which enabled me to find the same kind of job he has ( a management program for a leading chemical company ). Would he have resigned to follow me ? I don't think so.
Besides, this situaton is just the match to start the fire : we've got other issues ( his mom thinks I'm a ***** because I'm not a replica of her : trust me, she already called me some names... It's nice to live in the US when the witch is in France ! )
In short, yeah I know, it's for good reasons, still I married him, not just the dirty laundry he drops every weekend!

valinors_sorrow · Jun 12, 2006, 06:45 PM

Its beginning to sound like you are married to a genuine workaholic and the long distance thing is quite secondary. That is a whole n'other bailiwick, I think... shall we talk about it like that, Catseyes?

talaniman · Jun 12, 2006, 06:50 PM

Just wondering why you married this guy?:cool: :confused:

Catseyes · Jun 12, 2006, 07:00 PM

Yeah, kind of.
He likes what he does, which is good knowing how dedicated he is in general.
Being both new graduates ( MS in 2005 ), it's still hard to find the right pace, and it will be worse when I'll be working again.
It's an accumulation of a lot of small things, but all of them put together...
The thing that got me real upset is for my surgery : trust me me, it's no plastic surgery, I really have to go under the knife.
I know it's to make me live very comfortably as I was raised. Still, what is it worth to drive a nice car, or jewelry or simply money to spend when your other half is not there? I married him, not his potential to make money.
I travel with him once in a while, but it's not the same as vacation together.

Talaniman : I do not really appreciate your question, I find it rude. I didn't marry him for his money. On the contrary, my family paid for his studies.
I married him because he was easy on my eye, and because he was more mature than others, he respected me, and our personnalities were a match ( there no way to describe it ). We dated for 4 years before getting married.

Anyway, most of the time, I take the situation peacefully.
Thank you all for your thoughts.

valinors_sorrow · Jun 12, 2006, 07:09 PM

So maybe the problem is:
1. he isn't present enough when he is there
2. he isn't making the necessary arrangements in the crucial moments.

For someone who is gone a lot, those are easy mistakes to make. For the one who is waiting and waiting, those are hard not to be hurt over. It took my hubby some time to realise (and a few others telling him too - not just me!) that he needs to be supportive all the time, very here when he is here and once in a while make arrangements to be here for the really crucial stuff, if possible. Then it makes it possible to happily accommodate how gone he is.

If this hits the nail smack on the head, why not print this out and use it for a planned discussion. Stick to the topic and stay out of the blame game, if you do, okay?

talaniman · Jun 12, 2006, 08:45 PM

Sorry if you thought me rude ,I was just curiuos about your history with this fellow and if you had an inkling he would be the way he is.By the way I don't see anything about money in my question, that said you both have made this a long distance relationship and that is very hard to maintain and the extended periods of absence are not really condusive to bonding or even talking to each other, which is the basis of a good healthy relationship-HONEST COMMUNICATION! I also suspect that he may be trying the only way he knows how to give you what he thinks your use to and what your family expects of him. After 4 years of dating it is obvious neither of you ever talked about the way you both wanted the marriage to go or one or both changed their minds or misunderstood one another. It was your decision to follow him and since you don't want to travel to be with him and there are no children it sounds like you have the freedom to explore your own potential. YOU TO MUST TALK THOUGH!:cool:

Daementia · Sep 12, 2006, 03:04 AM

Nope you are not being selfish or childish, its really a good idea to travel with, that way you'll be able to spend more time with him... hope it will be OK for both of you

elan · Sep 17, 2006, 10:51 PM

OK I've seen a few people post can't you travel with them, as she stated yes, but she found it to be sworse as she was stuck in a hotel with no idea of the area. As for writing the tickets and stuff, he may not have considered that option, also the income may not be enough to pay for the schooling, however I am sure that somewhere in the country he could find a job that he can say I need to have time at home to spend with my wife, yes may mean you need to relocate again, but if it means that he will be at home more to spend wtime with you then it will be worth it. I hope this helps you out, and I eally hope that you find a suitable answer for both of you to be happy.

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