[jDeanne26]

  I hate everything about myself.  I am disgusted by the way that I look and the way that I think.  Every day my thoughts about whether I even want to keep living change.  I don't know what to do anymore.  I am fed up with life and the things that I have to deal with.  I am self-destructing.   I have major problems with food.  I used to be anorexic, now I am at a healthy weight but am having big problems with binge eating.  I hate food and the problems it has created for me. I literally can't stand to look in the mirror.  I am 5'7" and 125 lbs - climbing with my depression and binge eating disorder. I also have Lupus (an auto-immune disorder) which means that I have to take high amounts of steroids (prednisone) everyday to keep my disease under control. The prednisone has horrible side effects including weight gain, swollen face and abdomen, acne and hair growth of which I am expriencing all of.
I was diagnosed with depression 2 years ago and am on anti-depressants but they don't work. They don't fix any problems, and I have many, I am so screwed up.
I feel like a monster. I refuse to go into public because of my appearance. Lately all I do is stay in my house, wearing a nightgown (the only clothing I feel comfortable in), eating, feeling terrible and thinking terrible thoughts.
I am only 15, I'm dealing with so many things that normal teenagers don't have to. It's not fair. I used to have a 95% average, be beautiful and have good friends. Now I have lost all of my friends, I'm hiddious, and lost half of my credits from this past school year. I home schooled for the second half of the school year because of emotional\health issues and I'm not going to be ready to go back to school in September unless some drastic changes in the way that I feel happen.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel so hopeless. I'm never going to get better, no one will ever love me ( how could they) , ill never have any friends, my life will never amount to anything. I wish I could just disappear, the world would be better of without me. But its just not that easy is it?

[lidias]

You have a lot of life ahead of you. The teenager years are rough ones. But there is life after high school. It sounds like you are unhappy with your overall appearance. Lupus is something you can not change. You weigh a lot less than me. Why did you lose all your friends? If you need someone to talk to I am here. I hoped this helped you at least a little.