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cailin · Mar 16, 2006, 07:27 AM

This is my first time posting here so apologies if this is too long winded but I really need impartial advice over something that is ruining my life.

Myboyfriend and I broke up over two years ago after dating for 7 years. We were friends for a long time before we started dating so I have spent most of my twenties with him. We were my best friend, my whole life. I loved him completely and utterly.

When I look back on why we broke up I can't really put my finger on it. It was mutual, sort of. He had asked me to marry him when our relationship got to a point where I wanted to leave, to show me I guess that he would commit to marriage which was a major point with me. I said yes because that is what I wanted. Genuinely. Then he did nothing about it - he didn't mention looking at rings, didn't want us to tell our family and friends and because we had gone through a bad 8 months previous to this, I agreed with him. And still nothing happened. Eventually I got tired of waiting for him to decide to give us a proper chance, and I brought up the topic of breaking up. He agreed immediately and we decided to "take a break" for three months.

He made very little effort over those three months to make our relationship work, even went on holidays with some of our friends over New Year leaving me on my own. I made most of the attempts to meet up and we hung out once or twice a week during the time we were broken up but nothing intimate happened.

Then I met someone that I liked and when it became apparent to me that my ex wasn't going to make any effort at all to get us back together, I decided to date this new guy I liked and told my ex. He was devastated and proposed to me again that weekend. I said No. It was the hardest thing I have ever done.

About six weeks later, I regretted it and tried to get him to take me back and give it another go but by that time he had met someone and said he didn't trust that I really wanted to marry him. He said we should take a break from contacting each other for 6 months and see if we both felt the same after that. I was devastated and have not really recovered since. I tried a few times after that to get him to give us another chance and he always said No, a few times he changed his mind and said Yes but I was so angry with him I then said No that he can't mess me around like that.

It is now two years later and both of us are still dating the new people we met after we broke up. My boyfriend is wonderful and all the things you would want in a partner but I don't feel the same way about him I felt for my first boyfriend. I really care about my current boyfriend but I just can't get over my ex. I know that partially that is because you always remember your first love but its more than that. I miss my ex, his family, his friends, our life together. I cannt imagine marrying any one else but him. I can't see my future with anyone else. I cry all the time about it. Sad songs seem like they were written just for me. We are still in touch and email each other a couple of times a month. We talk on the phone occasionally but never about "us".

What can I do to move on? I am risking throwing everything away with the new guy when I should be planning on making a life with him.

fredg · Mar 16, 2006, 07:41 AM

Hi, Cailin,
Thank you for posting a question here, and Welcome to the site. Just so you know where I'm coming from, I am 64, been married the second time now for 29 years to a wonderful woman.
My first marriage ended in divorce after 7 years, with two small boys... was a very rough time!
Getting over someone is hard to do, and my first experience was with my high school sweetheart, thinking we would be married someday after college. We had also known each other all our lives, been friends, fell in love, and after we went our separate ways to college, she found someone else. It took me a year before I felt comfortable with meeting new girls!
The best thing would be to try not even communicating with your ex. The more you talk with him, the worse you will feel. Being friends with him isn't what you want, and dream about.
You can move on, but not with the past "baggage" hanging on. I lost all contact with my high school sweetheart after college, and finally was able to put it all behind me... by not continuing to communicate with her.
I do wish you the best, and hang in there. You can do it, and it will take some more time.

jc105 · Mar 16, 2006, 09:24 AM

I agree.

Leave it alone. I know how much it hurts to have your best friend leave. Its rough and hard. I would recommend giving it time and not contacting him. Don't wait, don't expect anything.

When you think about good times do you think about the first few years and then dismiss the rest as just a relationship. Me and my girl broke up, she left me, and it has been devastating, but I have also had a lot of fun without her. But what I have most noticed is that we do love each other, and we are still best friends (Although I have not called her in a while - but that is a tactic). My point is though, that when I think of good times I think of the past and that is not life. Memories are amazing but the future holds so much more. You both have wasted a lot of time together and I recommend just assuming he is not coming back and living your life.

I know that thought hurts, but to give him up mentally and then get him back would be an even greater feeling then waiting and having him return. I know its not easy but I recommend imagining yourself with other people. Don't talk to him though, obviously you 2 will always have a relationship. When he calls, don't call him back. If he wants to see you he will make the effort obviously you are committed and not him.

So the mean way to say it is... Move On.

I understand how hard it is to try to date, but I would say go out without the intention to find someone to marry, just to have fun with. It will get you farther, between the happiness and interactions. Just because 1 guy wasn't the one (The last guy) doesn't mean that the one isn't out there waiting.

JC

cailin · Mar 16, 2006, 09:27 AM

Originally Posted by fredg

Hi, Cailin,
You can move on, but not with the past "baggage" hanging on. I lost all contact with my high school sweetheart after college, and finally was able to put it all behind me.....by not continuing to communicate with her.
I do wish you the best, and hang in there. You can do it, and it will take some more time.

In my head I know what you are saying is right but my heart can't contemplate never speaking to him again or never seeing him again. I just can't imagine it.

What do I do with the enornous box of photos I have of those 7 years of the two of us travelling all over the world, family occasions, weddings, parties, holidays?

What can I do with the memories of all those happy years?

kp2171 · Mar 16, 2006, 09:52 AM

I dated a girl 7 years, thought wed get married, fizzled for some reason at the end. A lot of what you said in your post happened in my relationship.

It was two years before I dated again.

You may never feel the same about anyone else. I have feelings and I had a connection with that person that I've never been able to duplicate again, not even in my marriage. But that's the problem... you are not supposed to duplicate the connection. It doesn't work like that.

I am very happily married. Tomorrow will be our 6 year anniversary. I have a naughty 2 year old boy. Life is good.

It didn't always feel this way. It took a long time to get past the past. But don't diminish what you felt for this person, nor should you make that relationship be the pinnacle of what all relationship should be.

Like I said... I love my wife intensely and am happy, but I have a relationship with her that is different than every other one I've had. Comparing this relationship to the first is just unfair and unrealistic. I miss some of the connections I had with the first girlfriend... I still think of her from time to time (and not every day anymore)... but you need to step away from that.

So yeah... its hard. It takes work. But there's a few billion people on this earth. Keep looking and being true to yourself and you'll find someone who's a better fit.

Tough to believe it sometimes... but its true.

Best regards.

Ps - keep the photos and memories. They are a part of you and your past. I let mine go and I wish I hadn't. My wife was engaged to be married before me and she kept it all... I'm glad she did.

jc105 · Mar 16, 2006, 09:58 AM

You have to love it all. That's all you can do. They were amazing times that no one can take away.

But like I said try to look towards the future not dwelling on the past. My girlfriend of 4 years left 2 weeks ago today. But I have constantly concetrated on looking toward enjoying my life from that point on.

Your question what do you do...

Put it away, don't burn them or hate them, just love them from a distance. That goes for the pictures and your guy. Just remember that you WILL talk to him again. Its not disconnected completely but for a while. Just remember there was a time before him, and there will be a time after him. Its not easy, or simple, its hard and takes a long time to dull. You have dwelled on the idea that he was going to come back. I can't lie and say that I don't think everyday about how to get my girl back and when to try. But for now I try to concetrate on making to the weekend. No matter how ****ty I feel, a club full of people and a couple drinks usually puts me in a great place, ad helps build confidence.

Trust me, don't think that he is gone, or that you won't talk to him. He is still alive and can still be your best friend. You have to accept that you won't be together, like I said, it will make it better whether he comes back. Feel all the pain of loss now, but then release it. Don't hold on. It always makes me feel better to do what I am doing right now, talking about myself and other people's problems.

So your answer is...

Accept that he can be your friend first then if you still both want to go into a relationship, do it. But don't hang on, one person cannot hold the relationship together.

And we all know it hurts more than anything ever, you can't do anything but let the pain pass through you.

Go meet people and work out. Things that can't hurt.

JoeCanada76 · Mar 16, 2006, 12:21 PM

You know that he did not put much effort in the relationship. You got tired of it and it almost seems that he would wait until your ready to give up and then he would propose again. Sounds like control and mind games. After 7 years you would think that he would be ready for a serious commitement. When you broke up, guess what, you met somebody that made you feel good. This other person just made you feel like crap. Why do you hold on to something that just makes you feel sad? Does that make any sense to you? It does not to me. So here it is. You have been with this new person for two years. You need to feel completely happy and that means letting go of the past because if you do not let go of it. What was happening to you with your first you will end up doing to the boyfriend your with now. Do you want to hurt somebody else the same way you were hurt?

Joe

Cgirl · Mar 16, 2006, 12:55 PM

I agree with everyone, you can't let the past rule your life now, you have to enjoy the life that is in front of you. Sometimes it can take a really long time to get over someone (I know this from experience) But talking to him is going to make it a lot harder. You have to break off contact with him and let the future guide you, not the past. I too was engaged to my high school sweetheart and we dated for 5 yrs. But we grew apart and I realized I was better off without him. With time I became a better person because of it. As for the pictures, don't throw them away, but put them away, and live life. That's the best advice I can give you. Hang in there, and just tell yourself, I will get by, I will survive! :) You will get through this!

Wildcat21 · Mar 16, 2006, 01:20 PM

Lots of great advice here.

All I can say is, as everyone else has here, move on. He had his chance, he blew it - twice. He seems to have a fear of commitment.

Look a head to your next great love. They always seem to come when you least expect it.

s_cianci · Mar 16, 2006, 06:52 PM

Unfortunately, for all the two of you had at one time, somewhere along the way this guy's feelings for you changed. I don't think anybody will be able to concretely tell you why. Given his ambivalence towards you, you'd be wise to stay away from him like you've been doing. If and when you do marry someone, you want it to be someone who totally loves you with his whole heart and wants to be married to you without the slightest shred of doubt in his mind. Likewise you want to feel the same way towards him. This new guy you're dating now may be more dependable and a ready marriage partner. You've got to make up your mind to move on with your life. I know that can be hard to do after a major change such as moving away, a new job or ending a long-term relationship of many years. However, changes do occur in all of our lives, sometimes not seemingly for the better. At any rate, we've all got to be prepared to adapt and change along with the circumstances in our lives. You evidently had a wonderful relationship with this guy, his family and all of his friends. Unfortunately it's now over and you've got to cope with that. You still have your whole life ahead of you and there's nothing that says you won't eventually have that again with someone else. It may take some time (and no doubt will) but be of good cheer and be patient. This guy you're now dating may be the one or your destiny may be with someone else. Time will tell. Meanwhile, keep the faith.

Wildcat21 · Mar 17, 2006, 08:38 AM

A lot of people 'settle' - they marry some one just to marry - and HOPE it gets better OR hope that person EVENTUALLY loves them. It doesn't work that way - ever - hence divorce.

I agree so much with s_cianci: "someone who totally loves you with his whole heart and wants to be married to you without the slightest shred of doubt in his mind." - that's the only time you should marry.

Chery · Mar 17, 2006, 07:19 PM

No matter how long a relationship is, when it's over, it seems like you invested a lifetime in it. However, just as in financial investments, there is always a chance that you'll gain more or drop. You are at a drop now because it was in your eyes, not a clean 'break'. But since you and he can still talk with each other and also with other family members, it's possible it was meant to be and you can still stay friends for life.

Sometimes friends can and will be there for you in a very serious time of need, and visa versa, so don't throw that away. It's completely normal to have fond memories of all the time you had, but you know the bad moments better than we do, so keep those in focus also.
He stated that he cannot trust your true feelings, so something there was killed, and probably will never be gained back - no matter what you do.

Look at the pros and cons in both relationships now, and your gut feelings will tell you what to do. Be true to yourself and others, and give them a chance to get to know a glowing and happy person. Give yourself a second chance - you're the only one who can.

It sometimes costs a lot of emotion and energy to live in the past, because it's new stuff waiting for you in the future that you're not certain of, but we all have to take those steps to move forward and take those chances.

No matter what your choice, I wish you the best of luck, and please keep us posted. We will be here for you any time you need us.

cailin · Mar 20, 2006, 01:07 AM

Originally Posted by kp2171

i have feelings and i had a connection with that person that ive never been able to duplicate again, not even in my marriage. but thats the problem... you are not supposed to duplicate the connection. it doesnt work like that.
...
i am very happily married. tomorrow will be our 6 year anniversary. i have a naughty 2 year old boy. life is good.

Thank you for this. It really helps to know that I may never feel this way again about anyone else and that it is OK. I always thought that you should marry the love of your life but I guess sometimes those people do not always make for good marriage partners. It is encouraging to see that you have a happy marriage even though you recognise the relationship is not the same as your previous one.

cailin · Mar 20, 2006, 01:12 AM

Originally Posted by Jesushelper76

You know that he did not put much effort in the relationship. You got tired of it and it almost seems that he would wait until your ready to give up and then he would propose again. Sounds like control and mind games. After 7 years you would think that he would be ready for a serious commitement. When you broke up, guess what, you met somebody that made you feel good. This other person just made you feel like crap. Why do you hold on to something that just makes you feel sad? Does that make any sense to you? It does not to me. So here it is. You have been with this new person for two years. You need to feel completely happy and that means letting go of the past because if you do not let go of it. What was happening to you with your first you will end up doing to the boyfriend your with now. Do you want to hurt somebody else the same way you were hurt?
Joe

You are absolutely right but he wasn't paying mind games or trying to hurt me. I think he was genuinely confused about what he wanted and couldn't commit. I know how much the break up hurt him too. I personally don't think he will ever be able to commit to anyone, I just hope his current girlfriend doenst get hurt the way I did. But he is her problem now and I just have to let it go.

I'm trying.

fredg · Mar 20, 2006, 06:34 AM

HI,
It's hard to let go. It will take time and you will never forget; but it will become easier with time.

Wildcat21 · Mar 20, 2006, 08:56 AM

No one should ever 'settle' for someone and marry them - when you do that, some one always comes along and forces a divorce. You should never lead some one along - especially to marriage. They should be your lover and your friend. There should always be trust and respect.

cailin · Mar 21, 2006, 05:08 AM

To give you an update. I spoke to my ex yesterday, he called me out of the blue and he told him his girlfriend has moved in with him. She transferred her job to where he lives and moved in two months ago. I have to say I was a little bit shocked. We spoke a few times in the past few months and he never mentioned it.

Well it has been a real wake up call for me. I am moving on. I am letting go.
I can't believe I tainted the first two years of my new relationship crying over my ex. Thank you all for your comments and advice.

fredg · Mar 21, 2006, 06:05 AM

Hi, cailin,
Please don't be regretful of the past two years. It's all about learning about life... we all learn.
Love is the probably the hardest emotion that we all face, at one time or another; especially if it doesn't go the way we want.
I know you will meet someone, who will be just right for you.

Chery · Mar 21, 2006, 10:49 AM

Honey, we all went through this many times in our lives and survived, and SO WILL YOU!

My daughter is also going through a relationship problem and he's choosing money over love, going back to his ex and child. Even though my daughter is having his baby in August he thinks that it's cheaper. He also still lives with her right now and cooks, is courteous, and even rubs her tummy. He's got a rude awakening to look forward to as he will have to sign papers that will cover this child even if it wants to go to college, and since he's in the military - his child will have an ID card to see military doctors, so that the medical bills will not be too high in case it gets sick.

This world is changing as we write each other, and it's hard to cope sometimes without help and perspective from others to help, so keep on getting all the help you feel you need to get over this, and you'll soon find someone who deserves you.

I will be in hospital for four weeks, but there are a bunch of wonderful fellow members who will be here for you. I just desperately need to get recooped so that my heart will not go on strike again.

Wishing you a lot of luck, and sending you good vibes,

Chery

Wildcat21 · Mar 21, 2006, 12:03 PM

Chery! I didn't know you weren't feeling well. God speed! Take care. Get better!

Cailin - what a guy - he calls you to tell you she moved in. I think we all have had dreams of what a relationship COULD be - but a lot od times it isn't reality. Obviously you two were not intended to be together.