[frustratedman]

So. Here we go again... I am 30 and she is 27

My girlfriend of 1.5 years said that she needs space from me. I did the wrong thing by hanging on and convincing her to stay with me I know. We went to (really nice place) for the weekend (amazing time) and when we got back she decided it was over... I moved out and suffered like every other guy madly in love with a woman. About a week later (just when I started nc) she called and we decided to get back together. Had another amazing 5 star weekend in (amazing place) and the day after we got back she decided that this isn't going to work. She felt that she lost her identity and was unhappy for the past few months. I was going through my divorce so I know that was difficult for her.

Oh, she also has a bunch of guy friends now that she says she just likes to hang out with because girls are annoying. Which translates: I like attention from guys.

She said the same thing that a lot of ex's on here say "you are the one for me long term" "i can't ever picture my self with anyone else" "i just need to find myself". Every time she see's me she tells me how much she is attracted to me. She called me up last week and wanted to make dinner for us so the sucker I am. I went over and spent the night. A few days before she called me up and said she missed me and wanted to see me. I spent the night then too. I know. I am feeding into this trap.

OK. So now here is the problem. I want to do nc starting now. I should have done it right off the bat but whatever...
So how can I do nc if we have a business together? Also, what am I supposed to do when she im's me? Not respond? She is breaking my heart. I am staying really busy with hobbies and work but I am dying alone. I know that I am not going to find another woman as dynamic smart or beautiful as her so it sucks.

I know where I went wrong by being jealous but I've done a lot of searching and I can handle her having guy friends if we are together it just absolutely kills when we are not committed to each other because I know these other guys are moving in like dogs.


Thanks

[mimi03]

I don't know... Im thinking if you were a woman I'd say: "this guy doesnt really want to be with you (you avail yourself time and time again) and he says "I need space, I've lost myself, you are the one for me but.. I can't see myself w/ anyone else but... "
And you just hang on to this relationship like you a starving for whatever scrap of attention, desire or love he'll give you

Well you aren't a woman BUT I think the same message applies!

Try the NC again if you want, but this time stick to it... I don't think it's effective if you are quick to answer every attempt of luring she makes...

While freeing yourself, really and I mean really evaluate this relationship/woman.
Do you really want someone that can't commit to you 100%?
Why would she put your relationship on hold if she really meant the things she says (she wants you in her future, she can't see herself w/ anyone else etc.)??

[bigbird213]

I agree with mimi and just want to add that yes, you need to ignore the phone calls and the ims and everything else that comes with her attempts to contact you. It is very hard, and you will have to fight through it at first, but she will get the hint eventually. It will get easier in time, just like all things - practice makes perfect...

If you must, you can let her know before you initiate NC that it is what you are doing. That might make it less of a shock for her, and if she truly cares and is as intelligent as you say, she will understand why you need to do it and will not object. You don't owe her this, but it might mitigate some guilt if you are worried about that down the road.

[ylaira]

Give what she needs and prepare for the answer when you get back to her.

[frustratedman]

Went to see a therapist and he said that this is not healthy for me and she sounds like she is 27 going on 19. He wants to meet with me again and help me figure out the real qualities that I need to have in a woman to be happy. He suggested 6 months NC. I told her that along with a few other things about growing up and how I think she needs to completely change her life before I even consider having her in my life again. Whenever I get the urge to call her I take myself back to the moment when she entered a club I was in with another guy following her and smiled at me. Anyone that could do that to me must not really love me. So last night she called and left me a sad message about how she is writing me a letter and that she is not mad or angry at me (why would she be? Projecting?) but still can't go back (to being with me, she is very stubborn) and that she is so grateful and happy about the good times we've spent together in the past. Then she said just wants me to love her. She sounded really sad but I am keeping up NC.

[talaniman]

Give her what she asked for, and do as your therapist instructs you to do.

NC is the way to go.

[confused1145]

I wouldn't return any of her phone calls, answer any ims, or respond to the letter if you are serious about NC. Otherwise she's going to continue doing this to you because she will know she has that power over you. Sounds like she's trying to keep you for a rebound. You deserve better than that and if your patient you will find someone who is willing to committ to you.

[frustratedman]

So I am keeping up NC and she emailed me that she got some mail for me and she was going to leave it outside of my place in a bag. She said that

"I know you are still upset and feel like being mean with me, but I want you to know that my heart is broken...and no matter how hurtful you are with me i still have such love and compassion for you

Also, in terms of mail, please dont worry about changing your address unless you feel it is necessary...it is safe getting here and i will not use it as a way to see you, and will always make sure you get your things."

Another interesting thing is that she has been reading Ayn Rand and the whole "have to love yourself before you can love someone else" stuff. I also put up a blog about how my life is going for my friends to see and I am sure she is reading it. I put up some stuff about my private pilots license program I am taking and what it means to find real friends. Anyway. Thanks for the advice. I am going out tonight with a coworker and her 5 girlfriends from out of town so that should be fun. NC is the way to go with this. Either she wants to come back and clean up her act or I can move on easier.

Thanks!

[frustratedman]

She never left the mail at my place or the letter so I am guessing that she is pissed at my blog. Here is what I posted:

"Making friends is an interesting task. Not that its hard to make casual friends. However, it is hard to make friends that inspire you or incite joy and motivation into your life. Good friends or friends that you allow your self to have love (philia, agape) for should never be taken for granted and they should actually be sought out. I can look forward into my life and see myself letting more people have a chance to get to know me. I've blocked many people out of my life due to fear and personal issues and probably lost some good friends. Eros fades as many of us have seen and experienced but agape/philia stays. Ideally I will find someone that I can have both with, or they will find me, whatever the case, for life. I wish this on all of my friends if that is what they are hoping for one day"

Was that a bad thing to do?

[bigbird213]

It sounds fine to me.

As long as you aren't writing with the intention of getting to your ex, then don't worry about what you right. I'm sure you don't want her suffering (honestly).

[frustratedman]

This is just for the friends I haven't talked to in a long time. Some of them girls but I pretty much cut them off when I was in a relationship.

[frustratedman]

She just im'd me that she had a horrible dream about me last night. And wanted to know if I was OK. I ignored it. It hurts so much to do nc.

[talaniman]

As is evident by your ex, who is suffering also. Maybe not for the same reasons you are, but feeling bad just the same.

[frustratedman]

Should I feel bad for her? This is her choice?

[bigbird213]

I don't think you have a choice of whether to feel bad for her. I imagine you do feel bad for her and are going to feel bad for her no matter what.

If something bad were to happen to my ex, I would feel bad. It's only natural. Where you have a choice is whether you do anything about it.

[frustratedman]

Of course I feel bad for her if something bad happens to her. I still am madly in love with this woman. I would give my life for her. That's why it kills me so much how she treated my love and me. I guess its different if it is something that is her choice. Especially if that choice means tearing my heart out. NC I am sure hurts me more than her. She is the one that needed the space from me for some reason.

"Many times intuition can lead to undesired and unfortunate results" MORAL MINDS, Marc Hauser , PhD

[bigbird213]

"Many times intuition can lead to undesired and unfortunate results" MORAL MINDS, Marc Hauser , PhD

Ignorance is bliss. That's what NC is for. Stay strong.