[offday52]

I am 56, my Mother is 75. She didn't really raise me as much as my Grandmother did which has caused problems. She hated her mother, my grandmother and now is transferring that hate towards me a and my family. My grandmother has been dead for 20 years and still she tells me and everyone and anybody who will listen what a bad person she was. I do not feel that way. I have a daughter (her ONLY Granddaughter) getting married in 2 weeks and have included her in everything. Now she tells me she doesn't want to come to the Wedding, Rehearsal Dinner or Bridal Luncheon because it is just too much, she doesn't like to be a round people. She has been under a Doctor's care(psychologist) fro depression for 40 years and has shown little or no improvement. I have done my best to Get Along so to speak but have had enough. She pulled a real doosie today that has me ready to just write her out of my life completely. The resentment runs deeply and has for over 30 years, it isn't going to change. At this point I feel it is in the best interest of me and my family just to completely divorce ourselves from her. Am I wrong to think this way?

[tiamokiss]

Oh dear! Don't know matter what she's your mother! And she's too old now, stay with her she needs you! :(

[westnlas]

My wife has a similar problem with her mother. She is 60 and her mom is 86. Her mom says she can't get around even though she had a knee replaced last year. She lives nearby, so my wife must vacuum the house (there is a large inside dog) write the checks, do the driving, etc. She has hinted at moving in with us. I am disabled and my wife has the added burden of being my driver, cook, laundress, etc. I do what I can, but the pressure on my wife is enormous. Coupled with that is the shortage of money. We struggle with my wife's medical bills every month and sometimes forgo her prescriptions. My point is; you don't pick your family, you are stuck with what you get. Almost everyone has family issues that magnify as they get older. We are learning to not take many statements seriously. Often old people just want the attention. Like children, the most quick way to get it is act out. I hope you find a way to cope with your mom. I always felt as an outsider with my mom and siblings. My mom is gone and I don't have a lot of regrets, but am sad we never got along. I wish you well.

[JBeaucaire]

Family you have to deal with. This is a life lesson. Don't teach everyone in the family it's OK to abandon cranky old Grandmas... that lesson could come back to bite you in the crank, know what I mean?

You didn't describe the "doozy" situation that is breaking your camel's back, but the break should be in your patience with her, not your commitment. You still need to be there.

However, you don't have to put up with their crap, though. At her age she should be able to communicate clearly. There's no reason you can't look grandma in the face in the face and tell her, "Snap out of it Grandma, you're being rude to me!" if that is the case.

The other day, my wife's mother started forcing extra food on people at a dinner, and when she got to me, I just said, "Step off, Grandma, I just got that plate clean!" and the whole table laughed, including her. She realized she was being pushy and we got a chuckle, too.

She is older and 3 events for the wedding may be too much, so you can work with her on that. Obviously the wedding is a MUST and possibly you convince her the reception, too, since you'll already be out. Rehearsal dinner... let her take a pass.

And you can let her know that you're there to help, but if she keeps being pushy, there are many old-folks home that can pinch hit for you.

[frustrated step]

How about this, just let go. And relax, you'll never change your grouchy old mom, and she must like being that way, so give her some space. Enjoy your daughther's wedding, send pics to dear old mum, and let her stay home. That way you can relax and enjoy your family, and she can relax at home. It doesn't do any good to get upset about how someone acts, but if you just take a good look at what you want and go with it, you don't have to "write anybody off". Ask yourself "What do I want?" Is the answer, peace and quiet, happiness, family and friends? Then let mom sit home and you do what you want, call her when you feel like it, mail her pics and let it go. She's on a different path than you, and maybe hers is WAY uphill, don't follow, you could wind up looking down a steep cliff with no place to turn around. So get dressed up, smile at your beautiful daughter and go so and make a good memory with her.

[bibliofly]

I don't think I automatically agree with the other posters about keeping her in your life at all costs... UNLESS her nastiness is recent and therefore a sign of possible dementia. Frustratedstep seems to have a good happy medium type answer. But in your case it sounds like your mother was never a good mother or daughter and I ask: Where is it written that as adults we are obligated to tolerate a parent's continued child abuse?