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    derikchase's Avatar
    derikchase Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Jun 16, 2008, 02:38 AM
    My wife had a lover
    My wife and I have not been married long, just under two years. We have been through some tuff times. We separated while she was away at training for another job 3 months ago, over the months we have sought counseling and have started to move back in with each other. Days before I moved out she had an intimate interaction with someone she was training with, on two separate occasions, I just found out. How do I forgive, how do I get through everyday and block this out of my mind?
    Credendovidis's Avatar
    Credendovidis Posts: 1,593, Reputation: 66
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    #2

    Jun 16, 2008, 05:01 AM
    The main question here is : do you two still love each other or not ?
    You do not specify why you two separated before.
    Nor why you went for counselling.
    You mention "days before you moved out" : why did you move out, as you also state that "you just found out" of your wife's assumed lover (which indicate that you found that out after moving out).

    Do you really still want this woman?
    Do you still love this woman?
    Unless the reply to these questions is "yes", there is little to forgive and/or block out required.
    Note : these same questions also apply for your wife too , of course!

    Better accept it : some marriages are not for keeps.

    I wish you both all the best!
    N0help4u's Avatar
    N0help4u Posts: 19,823, Reputation: 2035
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    #3

    Jun 16, 2008, 05:39 AM
    If you want to work things out you need to figure out if she really wants it to work or if she is the type to do it again. You say things went bad when she went away for job training. Will her job require her to travel more in the future? If so, it is very likely you will have a harder time learning to trust her since she has already cheated when she got the chance.
    Also, since it was somebody she may be working with what she still may feel toward him needs to be dealt with.
    It will take time and trust but she needs to honestly recognize this as a mistake. It may be hard but if you really want to make it work you can not be continuously insecure, accusing or throwing the past in her face or it will be counter productive.
    JBeaucaire's Avatar
    JBeaucaire Posts: 5,426, Reputation: 997
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    #4

    Jun 16, 2008, 08:09 AM
    You are married, so you're supposed to be willing to face down all the issues thrown at you, that's part of the "til death do us part" vow. You've promised to stay and figure it out. You did.

    So, no hedging. You and your wife need to talk about this. You will always, always, always find yourself attracted to other people. It means nothing, it's instinctual. Perfectly normal.

    But ACTING on those attractions is something mature, dedicated people learn to avoid. She clearly hasn't mastered that. Ask her how you can help.

    • Work together to create light-hearted acceptance of attractions, no harm done there.
    • Work together to create techniques for including each other in the "avoiding bad behaviors with others." This is important to not make them feel bad about it, but to absolutely help them get through/past them.
    • Bring those revved up sexual energies (from interacting with others) home to each other.
    • Unconditional love means you can do this as long as you don't make it adversarial. You two are not combatants, you are partners. Strengthen each other.

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