[Ana_]

Ok so I got cheated on. What happened was me and my boyfriend were both at this party (verryy drunk) anyway he ended up kissing this girl. Now I'm not making excuses but I know this girl and she has a reputation of trying to hook up with other girls bfs and my boyfriend is a good guy who is not usually a cheater so that's why I was so devastated to find this out.(Ive seen her out a few times and she always tries to throw herself at him and other guys but I thought he would be smarter than that). He says that he can't stand her and that he doesn't want to blame the alcohol but he was really drunk and it happened quickly. I believe him completely when he says that she initiated it but he still should have not been in that situation in the first place! When she saw me after she just looked at me and smiled all happy with herself.

When I found out my friend confronted the girl and this is what she said apparently happened.. That they kissed and he was like this sucks and I really love my girlfriend at which point he stopped it.When I saw him right after he had this disgusted look on his face and has been aplogising all weekend and swears nothing like this will ever happen again. I really like him and we have only been together for 3 months so I want to give him another chance because apart from this we have the perfect relationship. The thing is obviously there's no guarantee that it won't happen again and its only going to be harder as time goes on and I fall more in love with him.

So my question is should I give him another chance? Or end it now before I cause myself more heartache? Please let me know what you guys think or if you have a similar experience :(

[sokay]

I agree with you that alcohol is no excuse. In this case I might give him one more chance. But if something similar happens again, I'd think about losing him.

The only reason I say to give him a chance is that it sounds like she probably initiated the kiss, and it was brief, and he ended it before it went too far. Plus he sounds contrite and may make an effort to maintain better control of his faculties. If they had a heavy make out session, then I'd say end it. If he lets something like this happen again, then his chances are over.

Good luck.

PS. Obviously people do stupid things when they're drunk so try to stay sober, or more sober, depending on your age. Should you even be drinking?

[simoneaugie]

I'd blame the situation on him being drunk. That makes drinking the problem, not the guy. Some go all the way and not just stop at kissing, he didn't.

Whether you want to stay with him depends on many things. Protecting yourself from the possibility that someone may cheat could lead you to be paranoid. Setting limits and having boundaries is good. Being scared that someone may hurt you is not the basis of a good relationship.

[JBeaucaire]

First off, there is a myth that says drinking brings a person's "real self" to the surface. This is usually not the case. Drinking is a mental remover of inhibitions. This is bad. Inhibitions are the thing you have spent YEARS developing in your mind as natural barriers between your instinct and your common sense.

So, boys are naturally drawn to every attractive girl they see. It's perfectly normal. But most of them also desire some sort of consistency and faithfulness, so work on stifling their instincts and keep themselves in check when they're with women NOT their girlfriend. The control themselves. Until they get drunk, that is. With their natural inhibitions removed, people are absolutely capable of doing things they would NEVER do otherwise. These are the facts.

Now, having said that, your question "once a cheater always a cheater" is an incomplete question. The only question you can ask about this situation is "once a drunken cheater, always a drunken cheater?"

The answer to THAT question is "absolutely!"

If drinking in ANY form will remain a part of this boy's behavior, you must distance yourself. He is deciding ahead of time to do something he knows will lead to promiscuous behavior on his part. He'll regret it, he'll beg for forgiveness, but this is actually his responsibility.

Now that you know, a single beer in his hand would be a deal-breaker. It's that simple. Hard? Oh yes, but he can skip the drinking, if he wants to.

He probably won't want to.

[Ana_]

He is not blaming the alcohol for what happened he realises that there is no excuse. But I saw the state he was in and I guess I can understand how it happened. He has said that he will stop drinking or at least never get as drunk as he was.

I have decided to give him another chance this once as I think we could have something great. I told him that if it does happen again that it will definitely be over and he is trying to assure me that it won't. He says that he will try his hardest to prove to me that I can trust him again and so on.. I hope these are not just words though because its bothering me that when I first questioned him about it he tried to deny it. Only when he knew that there was no way to get out of it, that's when he admitted it. And he said that if I hadn't found out he probably would not have told me...

I just want to make sure that he realises how bad this really is and that it definitely cannot happen again. He knows I'm really upset still and feels really bad about it but how should I act now to make sure he "gets" how serious this is? I don't want to act as though it never happened but I don't want to keep bringing it up because that does no good at all and is not going to make anything better.

I guess I just want to move on from this and for everything to go back to the way it was. It was so perfect! When I asked him why he did it he said there was no reason and he is just an idiot and it was a stupid thing to do and he didn't have time to think etc. So he risked ruining everything for some stupid mistake that happened in a second. Argh I hate this! I'm not sure if it could ever really go back to how it was..

[JBeaucaire]

Well, good luck with that.

[Chery]

First off, ''to move on and go back to where it was'' is a contradiction in itself. We either move on or we go back... and guess what is impossible.. going back in time. That's reality.

Secondly, if it was at a party and in the open with other people, and she initiated the kiss to smirk at you afterward, it could be possible that she surprised him and he was shocked. Any man that happens to would love to deny his being trapped like that because it makes him look a fool.

In my opinion, she got what she wanted - your insecurity.

Yes, he will have to work on regaining your trust. You will also have to work on this and realize that there will always be someone out there that will try to test you one way or the other.

This relationship of yours is still too new, so communicate and give each other a chance to really get to know each other. If he does continue to drink a lot and get into such situations, then there is a lack somewhere which you both can work on.

Above all, remember that there is no way to 'go back' - the only way to go is forward - with or without him.

It's your choice, and I wish you good luck.

If everything else seems to work out so far, don't let this one thing riun it. Find things together to work on and look forward to.

[talaniman]

For one, he didn't cheat, he was surprised by a predator. Secondly, he had remorse, and that is entirely different from cheating, as most only feel bad that they got caught.

You've only been together 3 months, so figure he learned something he needs to know, and don't just jump to conclusions just yet.

Your choice, but my vote is work together to get through this. What will be telling is his behavior after going through this.

I am making no big deal about the drinking at this point as you gave no indication his behavior is offensive, or over the line.

Again, its your choice, so base your decision on facts, and not just emotion.

[Ana_]

I know I am thinking about the facts and that's why I want to give him another chance.. I'm just still sooo angry/hurt! Haven't been able to speak to him all week, been ignoring his calls/txts and I know he is VERY sorry. I finally talked to him tonight and I just can't speak to him normally without still being angry. Maybe I need more time? Argh I just have no idea what to do.. I want to be with him more than anything but at the same time I don't want to risk getting hurt again. What can I do to move past this?

[talaniman]

Forgive him, after a long honest talk about what you expect.

[N0help4u]

He probably just liked the attention and being drunk was not thinking rationally. Blame the alcohol? N0 he still did it BUT he was not in his 'right mind' either to make sober judgments. You sound like you are young and possibly even under the legal drinking age. When you are young you think you can handle anything. Guys especially like to brag how they can handle their alcohol. Hopefully this will be a lesson learned.
I was at my bf's friends house the other day and the one guy was drunk and started kissing on my cheek. My boyfriend didn't get mad because he knows me. I say don't let it bother you chalk it up to a lesson learned and hopefully he does realize to not get drunk like that again.
You need to put things in perspective and should give him another chance until he proves he really is the type that can not be trusted. Everybody makes mistakes and has their off days. You say he even was not liking it and told her he really loves you. If this girl has a history of trying to break relationships up you would only be 'giving in to her' and she will have more to smile that she 'won' her game.

[Genuineforce]

I think you should give him another chance, not just for him, but it shows that you know how to work through a relationship with its ups and downs. Don't cheat back either. If he does it again then end the relationship, then you will be fully justified because he will have broken his promise to never do it again. I don't believe in a third chance, this is NOT baseball, this is life. Just my opinion.

[Simple Asian]

everyone desverse a second chance

yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery.today is a gilf that why we call it present.so forget yesterday live for today and hope for tomorrow.so live on I no that giving him a second chance might leading him to cheat again., but as you said

you like him so much that you wanted to be with him... then take a risk... everything happened for a reason.and either you like it or not it still will happens... ^^

make it short what I want to say is " if you don't risk you won't no... maybe it won't come out back after all ^^

THINK ABOUT IT ^^

[Chery]

If you still think you have a right to be angry after he showed remorse, then you've been getting your grown-up lessons in the wrong place. What do you want to do now, IF he comes back? Do you think you can lock him up for the rest of his life to make sure that he never ever talks to anyone else again or that no other woman ever looks at him? Get real! I hope he sees the red flag and tells you to grow up.

At this point, I would not even trust a cat or dog near you.. you'd probably not feed them if they wagged their tails at another person. If you want something in a cage, get a mouse - because that's what you really want - not a Man.

This is so sad if really true, because you are going to waste your life with letting your anger and insecurity eat you up. Talk to a professional about your trust and insecurity problem because it's really deep.

Sorry to be so blunt, but you have not let any inkling of our advice seep into your head or heart because you are soooo caught up in yourself and your anger.

[sokay]

I really disagree Chery. She is upset because her boyfriend got drunk and kissed another girl. That is a normal response. She has not indicated being unrealistically possessive.

[bigbird213]

Chery and sokay,

I think you have both taken opposite extremes on this issue. For one, I think she has a small right to be upset over what happened. He was approached and something was started, but the feeling I get is that he did not initiate it, he was just the recipient. Sure, the alcohol has an effect as he wasn't as clear headed as he would have been had he been sober, but the fact remains that he did something about it.

So, I will say that being a little upset is justified. However, I don't agree that it is grounds to end the relationship. While in reality, you can end the relationship for whatever reason you like, I think you are overlooking the more important facts.

He has been apologizing all weekend. He informed you about it immediately after it happened, you didn't find out some round about way. He really hasn't given you a reason to think he is lying to you now.

Talk with him, one way or the other. Don't leave him hanging without an answer. It almost looks like you are letting him squirm in his own guilt, which I don't think is right. Be honest and upfront. Tell him what decision you made, and should you choose to continue this relationship, don't let jealousy get in the way.

[Chery]

I really disagree Chery. She is upset because her bf got drunk and kissed another girl. That is a normal response. She has not indicated being unrealistically possessive.

She states that this other girl does this to other guys.. and smirked at her later on...
-3 months' relationship...
-wants to be with him so bad, but when he texts or calls, she ignores him or 'can't' talk??
-he explained it, and they could have talked a lot since then, her choice not to...
-she's still sooo angry..

Hello, grown up people don't solve issues like that - they calm down, break up or do a heck of a lot of communicating - not steaming with anger. She didn't even let us know what he said when he called... so not even that is important to her - only her feelings and her anger... so no matter what he says or does now - she won't believe him, so what's the point.

This is only my opinion, so take it for what it's worth.

[sokay]

Chery and sokay,

I think you have both taken opposite extremes on this issue. For one, I think she has a small right to be upset over what happened. He was approached and something was started, but the feeling I get is that he did not initiate it, he was just the recipient. Sure, the alcohol has an effect as he wasn't as clear headed as he would have been had he been sober, but the fact remains that he did something about it.

So, I will say that being a little upset is justified. However, I don't agree that it is grounds to end the relationship. While in reality, you can end the relationship for whatever reason you like, I think you are overlooking the more important facts.

He has been apologizing all weekend. He informed you about it immediately after it happened, you didn't find out some round about way. He really hasn't given you a reason to think he is lying to you now.

Talk with him, one way or the other. Don't leave him hanging without an answer. It almost looks like you are letting him squirm in his own guilt, which I don't think is right. Be honest and upfront. Tell him what decision you made, and should you choose to continue this relationship, don't let jealousy get in the way.

Bigbird, Sorry but apparently you failed to read my original post in this thread in which my advice to her was much the same as yours. So I guess that makes you extreme in this as well..

I just think Chery was unnecessarily harsh in her response and it was not justified.

[Nestorian]

Relationships are hard, and despite the whole idea that love is everlasting, it never seems to. Or does it?

People put too much emphasis on the future and the past thus confusing and losing the moment. Ok, so you love this guy, but he kissed another girl, or she kissed him (whatever the case.) Things are great other than this? So if drinking implies such foolishness, which it is he who chose to be at that place at that time, doing that particular activity (the drinking I mean.) Thus all is personal circumstance, he may have not known that these events would take place, but he did choose to lower his ability to think clearly, as most of us so often do (I included, I'm no exception, being a Labeled "NIce guy" Even I can/have get/gotten into that kind of situation.), thus he is responsible for that. We are all capable people, we just have to realize it. The real question is not what do we think, what do you think my young friend? Can you let it go, or will it ruin the relationship to the point where you can't stand one another? This is your feelings, brought on because of "YOUR" fears, and doubts... You are responsible for that choice. Never underestimate yourself, and how truly smart and beautiful you truly are, but on the other hand don't run around trying to show it off, and parade it around like the other girl seems to be doing. (I"m not saying you would do this, but i'm just letting you know that it works both ways.)

The real question is not can you forgive him, but rather can you forgive yourself?? Forgive yourself for having faith in some one, or for opening your self to some one. Search your feelings, and if you feel fear, dig deeper, and find why you feel it. You may not be able to rid yourself of it, but at least you know it's there, and can work on letting it go, and realising that most feel the same way. "Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering." - Yoda. Yes, star wars, it may sound stupid, but if you drop the story line, and listen to the true wisdom of these words, you will see that it's talking about how we all react to our fears in an irrational, and unconscious way. Then bad things happen.

May you find your way Friend. With love and kindness as your guid.

[bigbird213]

Bigbird, Sorry but apparently you failed to read my original post in this thread in which my advice to her was much the same as yours. So I guess that makes you extreme in this as well...?

I just think Chery was unnecessarily harsh in her response and it was not justified.

I did read it, but by the time I wrote my response I had forgotten you wrote that. Sorry, your right, I agree with your advice...