[wondergal]

My boyfriend of 1 1/2 years and I broke up about a month ago. In February we had bought flights to travel to France this coming November and a week before we broke up he booked flights for his parents to come out and visit him (they've never been out here and they really wanted to meet me). He had seemed kind of distant/tired the last month we were together, but I thought it had to do with his new position at work (oh -- and we work together!) I was patient and realize that relationships have their ups and downs, so I gave him space when needed.

Well he broke up with me and was noticeably upset about it. It's been hard at work and I felt I needed to get away, so a friend and I went to NYC for four days. After I returned, I went out with friends, got a little drunk and gave him a call. He blurts out that a couple of days BEFORE we broke up he kissed someone. I got upset, said I wanted to get my money for France (the deposit for our room), so he ended up coming over to my place the next day. We talked and even cuddled for awhile and when he left I felt okay.

The next day he texts me telling me that he wants to talk. I was out with friends, so the next day I decide that we shouldn't have any contact outside of work for about a month. I email him and tell him let's talk in my car after work. He gets in and before I get two words in he tells me WHO he kissed -- his friend who used to work with us (and who I always thought was a tramp -- married, with a kid -- and would cheat on her husband). I was furious. He said that yeah, their friendship was pretty much ruined.

I went home and thought -- how could their relationship be ruined if it was just kissing? So I called him and he confirmed that they slept together (once, a few days BEFORE we broke up). OUCH! He said that he needed to tell me and be honest because when he had come over to my place a couple days prior he felt that there was true love there and if we ever got back together, that I would need to know what happened.

So after having one month of processing and starting to heal, he puts this on me and all my old feelings of the initial break-up came back -- almost like it was break-up #2. I love him, I hate him, I feel disgusted, etc.

We talked on and off for the past week -- he says that being with her is his biggest regret ever and that she doesn't mean anything to him. If anything it seems he realizes what NOT a good friend she really was. He got drunk that night, told her that he was having mixed feelings about me, he made a pass -- and she accepted. (This isn't to say that he's not taking the blame -- he is)

We went to a park the other day and talked about things. We decided to not talk for a month, and we set up a date to meet back at the park in a month. He said how sorry he was. We made out for a little bit and he said that he doesn't know what he wants and that he knows me and doesn't think I'll be able to trust him again. I don't have a clue what I think. Part of me wants him and part of me doesn't.

Any advice?

[NorthernNiceGuy]

Personally I would be finished with him. Relationships have their ups and downs, if you were to get back together and your relationship went through a rough patch could you trust that he wouldn't do this again. I agree with him when he says, "he knows me and doesn't think I'll be able to trust him again". In my opinion once somebody shows themselves as a cheater there is always the potential they will do it again. Also, after somebody who supposedly cares and loves you betrays you like that they don't get a second chance. You deserve better, that's just me though.

[jrsg]

About the cheating, he chose her over you from some time. It was all after the fact that he apologized.

If you two begin a relationship again, you are always going to question him. You have lost your trust for him. In my opinion, it won't work out, and like NNG said, you deserve better.

Good luck, and let us know what you decide.

[JBeaucaire]

If you take him back... and of course you can, you love him after all (stifle a bard here)... if you take him back, just be honest about WHO you are taking back.

It's not the sweet guy you fell in love with back in the beginning. It's the guy who cares for you deeply, says so many of the right things, and can completely dishonestly stomp it all secretly playing with other women. Married ones are even OK with him... mothers, even.

THIS is the guy you are getting back.

[talaniman]

Stop the physical hook ups, and then regroup, and leave each other alone. Neither of you has a clue.