[yvette516]

My husband and I have been separated the last few months due to his continued drug use (heroin/opiates). He's been to several re-habs and has proved that he can get and stay clean in a controlled environment but never stays clean once he's out. I'm so mad at myself for always believing in him and trusting what he says is true but I have learned that actions are what we must measure in a situation like this ( not words).

Children and Family services got involved and recommended that he does not return to the house. ( I have three teens from a previous marriage 17,18,19 and we have a 2 year old together). There was a document that said if I let him back at the house then I " failed to protect". I told my husband about it and he was pissed but stayed away.

He was basically being a bum and living with different people, living homeless and then found some guy he barely knew who allowed him to stay with him at a house that had no electricity, no water, just a matress on the floor.

While he was gone he was arrested for possession of heroin and stayed in jail for about two weeks... (of course the heroin was NOT his... according to my husband it belonged to the frined he was with who also got arrested for possession of cocaine/crack).

Some guy who was in jail with him bailed him out because my husband offerred to pay him double what he had to spend on the bail (250.00=10%, so that would be 500.00 he promised to pay back)
Four days ago my husband calls me and said he needed to come to the house to get some clothes and that he didn't have anywhere to stay. I said " stay with the guy who bailed you out cause you can't stay here and you know it! He said he couldnt stay with that guy cause the guy was staying at his sisters studio apartment and there's no room. He was dropped off at the gas station up the street by our house so on the way home I picked him up (big mistake). At the time I felt like it was important for our son to see his dad... Yes, our son was sooo happy but now im upset because i feel like my husband is using us for his own selfish needs (food and shelter) and putting me and our 2 yr old at risk because there's an open children and families investigation going on.

Not to mention the fact that he was a complete to me right before he was arrested. I had let him borrow 200.00 on Monday morning and he promised to pay me back the next day. He did get the money to pay me back but gave it to the guy he was living with girlfriend to deposit it in my bank account (that never happened!)
Plus he had pawned my camera right before he left the last time and many other things ( too many to mention). So basically I have a lot of anger and resentment built up.

So even though I told him he couldnt stay here.. he stayed...in one breathe he says " I don't have anywhere to go! What do you expect me to do?" Then he says " I just need your help until Monday when I can go to the doctor (his leaglized drug dealer), then I can get some money to stay soemwhere. Then he says "I really want to work things out. I just want us all to get along. I'm not doing anything. I'm sober and I don't plan on taking anything anymore". (Me and the kids have heard this a million times)

To us he acts like he doesn't care what he has done to all of us and this families finances in the past. We feel like he acts like nothing has happened. When I bring the subject up to him he tells me that I can never let anything go...

I can let things go and I can forgive but when he keeps doing the same thing over and over and over it's hard to believe him. He is constantly lying about all kinds of stuff. Even stuff that he should be lying about... things that don't even matter. Plus when he does say he's sorry I never get the feeling that he's truly sorry. Ive never felt his sincerity so when things happen again, all the stuff from the past comes to the surface. It's like a wound that never gets healed completely before it gets ripped open again.

So here's my dilema... My older kids are upset with me that I opened the door and let him back in yet our two year old is so happy he can't get out from under his daddy's feet. I'm full of hurt, anger and resentment but still have had to work everyday and then deal with him being here at night. I love him and would love for things to work out but my husband is the type of person that doesn't really show emotions (but I know he can because he has showed emotions in other situations). I take how he's acting like he doesn't give a and feel as long as he gets what he wants that's all he cares about. He says that I shouldn't go by his actions because I know how he is and he he suppresses everything. I told him that I don't feel it was fair for him to come here. Even if he didn't have anywhere to go he should have went to a shelter or something. I feel like a lion backed into a corner with no way out. He really doesn't have anywhere else to go ( because he has burnt all his bridges) but that's not my fault so why do I feel like it's mean or hateful if I don't let him stay here until Monday? Or at least that's the way he makes me feel... The children and family services case worker even knows he's here but by law there's nothing they can do either. They are just recommending that he not be here.

I was doing so much better when he wasn't here ( everyone was)
Now I feel like I'm going backwards. Ive tried to talk to him but it literally sucks so much energy out of me it's not worth the trouble to try anymore.
He can never just listen to me, let me vent or feel empathy and compassion for me. He always has an excuse for everything.

Like even now... He's just been going in and out of the house smoking his cigs and then coming back in and watching TV. He doesn't care that I'm not in there with him...

I feel even more anger because he gets cigs from people yet he doesn't have a job. He seems to get everything he needs or wants and never sacrifices his needs for the people he says that he loves.

I use to buy him cigs even though we didn't have the money and I was the only one working... But now that I said no, I guess he has found another sucker to buy him some.

What do you think about him showing up here? Do you think he was selfish in putting us at risk for losing our son since he knew there was an open case going on?

I feel like it's my fault. I think I felt sorry for him but I really should feel sorry for me and the kids. Iv'e asked him to leave several times but he says "I can't leave until Monday... when I get some money to stay at a hotel or something. I told you I don't have anywhere to go?'

Is it or was it my responsibility to provide food, TV, and a nice place for him to stay until Monday?

[Fr_Chuck]

Lock him out the next time he is out the door and never let him back in.

You are risking losing your kids over this person, and to be honest you allowing him back in, honestly maybe it is best, since you don't see to have their best interest at heart.

Your own older kids seem to know better than you do.

He would or should be out NOW, not Monday, not in 3 hours, throw anything he owns on the porch and send him packing.

[George_1950]

I am no expert, but your epistle reminded me of something I've read in the past about enablers and codependency. Your highest obligation, in my view, is to protect your four children; evidently your husband is not a threat to their immediate well-being, but the situation is not healthy, either. Enabler - Definition of Enabler - Codependency and Self-esteem

[JBeaucaire]

If your TWO YEAR OLD was frantically eager to get to play with the rabid-pitbull dog down the street, you wouldn't allow it.
If your TWO YEAR OLD was screaming happily to get to jump off the top bunkbed, you wouldn't allow it.
If your TWO YEAR OLD was only happy running naked through the department stores, you still wouldn't allow it.

Why is this? Because he's a TWO YEAR OLD!

You're a parent, you've raised kids already, it's the same process this time around. All the rules are the same. The most important one the courts have already underlined for you... "letting men like your husband around your children is failure to protect them."

You DO know none of this is your fault? None of it is your doing! Every time he asks you questions about "what do you expect me to do?" There is one answer only - stay away from us until you can pass a 6 month drug test. That's the answer EVERY TIME.

That's it. Call the police, escort him from the premises. The ONLY money you will invest in him ever again is perhaps access to some home drug test kits. If he can pass one of those, then you meet him at Denny's with the kids. If he fails, the SIX-MONTH clock starts again.

Johnny(2): "Why isn't daddy here."
You: "Daddy is choosing drugs over his family. I wish he wouldn't, but he is. I'm sorry."

Dad: "I just need your help a few days and then I'll ___________"
You: "Go to my doctor _____________ and take the 6-month drug test. We'll talk when I get the results."

Dad: "I just need ___________. Why are you being like this, what do you expect me to do?"
You: "Go to my doctor _____________ and take the 6-month drug test. We'll talk when I get the results."

None of this is your fault. Your husband is a drug addict. There is nothing at anytime you can ever trust with a drug addict. Ever. They will risk/sell/endanger anyone/everything including your 2 year old (whom I'm sure he loves) to get their fixes. That's what addicts do.

Protect your child. Put the control back at his feet every time he speaks to you, same answer, every time, never changes, NEVER CHANGES. It is never OK to give a different answer.

[yvette516]

Thanks for all the responses. I know I mmade a mistake and now I'm paying for it.
I can't throw him out NOW since the two year old is here but tomorrow when he goes to daycare, I go to work and Rob leaves. I told him NOT to come back.

I don't want the 2 year old to be here or see him leave. I know it will still effect him but not as bad. My husband was always taking off and our son even calls him by his first name instead of daddy sometimes. He will say " rob took off...." rob took off" with his sad face. I will just hug him and say Im sorry honey... I dont know why daddy took off but i know he loves you ( and then under my breathe I say " just not as much as his drug").

Hopefully everything will work out tomorrow and I can get back on track. I'm so depressed that I dont feel like doing anything. Ive just been lying around the house wishing this didnt happen but I'm so mad at myself for letting him take advantage of the situation I can't stand it.

Everytime we try to talk it turns into a big ordeal so I told him that " it's not worth it to me anymore and that I don't even want to try anymore".

I'm going to talk to him tonight to set up the boundries for the future. Wish me luck.
Yvette

[talaniman]

Love it when they see the light, make a decision, and stick to it.

Good luck Yvette.

[Fr_Chuck]

OK, tomorrow come back and tell us it is done, but honestly yes with a 2 year old there it still can be done and should have been done, since it is easy to keep making excuses.

[Raven2008]

My husband and I have been seperated the last few months due to his continued drug use (heroin/opiates). He's been to several re-habs and has proved that he can get and stay clean in a controlled environment but never stays clean once he's out. I'm so mad at myself for always believing in him and trusting what he says is true but I have learned that actions are what we must measure in a situation like this ( not words).

Children and Family services got involved and recommended that he does not return to the house. ( I have three teens from a previous marriage 17,18,19 and we have a 2 year old together). There was a document that said if I let him back at the house then I " failed to protect". I told my husband about it and he was pissed but stayed away.

He was basically being a bum and living with different people, living homeless and then found some guy he barely knew who allowed him to stay with him at a house that had no electricity, no water, just a matress on the floor.

While he was gone he was arrested for possesion of heroin and stayed in jail for about two weeks... (of course the heroin was NOT his.... according to my husband it belonged to the frined he was with who also got arrested for possesion of cocaine/crack).

Some guy who was in jail with him bailed him out because my husband offerred to pay him double what he had to spend on the bail (250.00=10%, so that would be 500.00 he promised to pay back)
Four days ago my husband calls me and said he needed to come to the house to get some clothes and that he didnt have anywhere to stay. I said " stay with the guy who bailed you out cause you can't stay here and you know it! He said he couldnt stay with that guy cause the guy was staying at his sisters studio apartment and there's no room. He was dropped off at the gas station up the street by our house so on the way home I picked him up (big mistake). At the time I felt like it was important for our son to see his dad... Yes, our son was sooo happy but now im upset because i feel like my husband is using us for his own selfish needs (food and shelter) and putting me and our 2 yr old at risk because there's an open children and families investigation going on.

Not to mention the fact that he was a complete to me right before he was arrested. I had let him borrow 200.00 on Monday morning and he promised to pay me back the next day. He did get the money to pay me back but gave it to the guy he was living with girlfriend to deposit it in my bank account (that never happened!)
Plus he had pawned my camera right before he left the last time and many other things ( too many to mention). So basically I have a lot of anger and resentment built up.

So even though I told him he couldnt stay here.. he stayed...in one breathe he says " I dont have anywhere to go! What do you expect me to do?" Then he says " I just need your help until Monday when I can go to the doctor (his leaglized drug dealer), then I can get some money to stay soemwhere. Then he says "I really want to work things out. I just want us all to get along. I'm not doing anything. I'm sober and I don't plan on taking anything anymore". (Me and the kids have heard this a million times)

To us he acts like he doesnt care what he has done to all of us and this families finances in the past. We feel like he acts like nothing has happened. When I bring the subject up to him he tells me that I can never let anything go...

I can let things go and I can forgive but when he keeps doing the same thing over and over and over it's hard to believe him. He is constantly lying about all kinds of stuff. Even stuff that he should be lying about... things that dont even matter. Plus when he does say he's sorry I never get the feeling that he's truely sorry. Ive never felt his sincerity so when things happen again, all the stuff from the past comes to the surface. It's like a wound that never gets healed completely before it gets ripped open again.

So here's my dilema..... My older kids are upset with me that I opened the door and let him back in yet our two year old is so happy he can't get out from under his daddy's feet. I'm full of hurt, anger and resentment but still have had to work everyday and then deal with him being here at night. I love him and would love for things to work out but my husband is the type of person that doesnt really show emotions (but I know he can because he has showed emotions in other situations). I take how he's acting like he doesnt give a and feel as long as he gets what he wants that's all he cares about. He says that I shouldnt go by his actions because I know how he is and he he supresses everything. I told him that I dont feel it was fair for him to come here. Even if he didnt have anywhere to go he should have went to a shelter or something. I feel like a lion backed into a corner with no way out. He really doesnt have anywhere else to go ( because he has burnt all his bridges) but that's not my fault so why do I feel like it's mean or hateful if I dont let him stay here until Monday? or at least that's the way he makes me feel..... The children and family services case worker even knows he's here but by law there's nothing they can do either. They are just recommending that he not be here.

I was doing so much better when he wasnt here ( everyone was)
Now I feel like I'm going backwards. Ive tried to talk to him but it literally sucks so much energy out of me it's not worth the trouble to try anymore.
He can never just listen to me, let me vent or feel empathy and compassion for me. He always has an excuse for everything.

Like even now... He's just been going in and out of the house smoking his cigs and then coming back in and watching TV. He doesnt care that I'm not in there with him....

I feel even more anger because he gets cigs from people yet he doesnt have a job. he seems to get everything he needs or wants and never sacrifices his needs for the people he says that he loves.

I use to buy him cigs even though we didnt have the money and I was the only one working... But now that I said no, I guess he has found another sucker to buy him some.

What do you think about him showing up here? Do you think he was selfish in putting us at risk for losing our son since he knew there was an open case going on?

I feel like it's my fault. I think I felt sorry for him but I really should feel sorry for me and the kids. Iv'e asked him to leave several times but he says "I can't leave until Monday...when I get some money to stay at a hotel or something. I told you I dont have anywhere to go?'

Is it or was it my responsibility to provide food, TV, and a nice place for him to stay until Monday?

I was in a relationship with an alcoholic who turned into a coke user. They will lie, cheat and use you. I could deal with my husband drinking but not with the drug use. When I found the coke it always belonged to his friend. We believe what we want to. After a year of his partying and lying we were divorced. It has been one year since the divorce. I miss him and love him. My love for him is something I don't question anymore I just live with it. I have seen him since the divorce and he lives like a bum. A few times he would come in my home (which was ours prior to the divorce) when I was not home and had to "throw" him out. Yes, he was homeless. Although we didn't have any children together (he is 16 years younger than me) I had a 15 year daughter from a previous marriage. What he did to us is unforgivable. Get out of the marriage.

Below is a poem I wrote when I was with the "x". I later called it Insanity...

You think you can lie and that I will stay
Your words don't mean anything they drive me away
You can't face the truth of what's happening to you
You think you're the same, but you're just a fool
Your drinking and partying won't come to an end
And you keep on lying to me, your friend
I think of the nights I waited up and cried
They were so long that I wanted to die,
I laid in our bed still and in fear
Hoping you'd stop and see my tears
Tomorrow will come and nothing will change
But for me and my child I must re-arrange
Our lives are too precious, I'm done with your lies
You'll never change, I feel it inside
Although I love you it's time for good-bye
I must let go of my fears;there is nothing to hide
I want to have peace and love in my life
And believe I will find a man who wants me for his wife
I wish you the best and I hope you get well
But this life I am living is like living in hell.

[yvette516]

OMG! I love the poem.. Can I use it?. LOL My husband is younger than me as well but only by 8 years.
I just turned 43 and he's 35. I am such a believer.. Sometimes I feel like God just needs to hit me in the head and say " HELLO! Yvette, I've give you so many signs but now I have to use force to get you to pay attention!"
Hopefully I'm really getting it now. I actually called a divorce atty today. The problem is... I make good money but he has drained me and we had to file bankruptcy.. and now I'm barely making the monthly bills...
I know I will survive because I have faith... it's just going to suck along the way.

[gooddad416]

Hi. Interesting post, and let me throw a twist in there. Mother is the drug addict. You reported her to DCFS. She went to a lab and did a drug test and passed it and claimed that you were a batterer. Judge awarded her custody. Now you can only see your kid, supervised, twice a week.

Mother moved into a sober-living home and DCFS says "she's fine," but as this post says, addict is only able to remain sober when incarcerated [or forced to]. I found this site because I was wondering whether I should stick around. I am living by myself and I live in Los Angeles because she has 2 other kids and we were here so she could visit her other kids.

Let me say I never NEVER hit my baby's mother, choked her, or did any of the things she claimed. When she was enraged and went to bite me (she had already bitten me 5 times that year), I grabbed her by the neck. She said: "How dare you put your hands on my neck," and I let go. My shirt was ripped. I bought a new shirt and went to work. That has been exaggerated into I choked her for 2 minutes, lifting her off the ground...

Another "incident" was when she was paranoid from using speed and claimed that she had found evidence that I was cheating on her on my computer. I wasn't cheating on her so I didn't take it very seriously and went to sleep. I was awakened by "Aha!" and she ripped the laptop out of the wall (pulling the socket out with plug). She lifted it up to throw it down on the ground. Since I still owe $2K on the computer I grabbed her and wrestled the computer away from her. She accused me of "enjoying it."

Now, after 46 weeks of domestic violence classes, I have learned that I had the option to call the police and report her for domestic violence, something that didn't really occur to me, but with the DV conviction, custody for me is presumed detrimental to our child.

Now am I limited to live in Los Angeles and eke out a miserable existence and fork over every extra dollar I earn to her, or am I free to pursue the best opportunities. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to move away from my son. I would love to take him with me, and maybe I should just bide my time figuring that eventually she will mess up and I'll get full custody and can make a move to another place. But, in the meantime, this sucks.

[Raven2008]

I too was in the same position. He drained our bank account and I had no money. I lost so much, but most of all I lost him to drugs. There is so much pain even afterwards. I was 50 and he was 34 when it happened. God I loved him so much. I got myself so sick and ended up in the hospital for dehydration. Then they wanted to Baker Act me because I told them I wanted to die. I ended up in the psych ward and after speaking to a therapist the next day they told me that I didn't need to be admitted but he did. I still wasn't ready to give up. I stayed even AFTER that! It took 3 therapist for me to finally see the light. I had no more to give. I was exhausted and drained. Yes, I will always love him. You are lucky you have a child with him. You will always have a part of him without the pain. You need to let him go. Be thankful for your children, all of them. Nobody can ever replace you children, but a man can always be replaced by one that will treat you right.;)

[N0help4u]

They do not show remorse because the crack took over their very soul.
They can still be loving and charming... at times but when they need their crack forget it!
They go to rehab to clean up so they are healthier to start all over even if they mean they want to quit when they go in they start first chance when they get out. They can not make decisions and stick to it because the crack rules them.
Child services said if you let him back it means you failed to protect your kids.
That MEANS they WILL take your kids off you if you let him back.
Which is more important your kids or someone that most probably will not change.
Child services can even go as far as saying no contact even going to met him somewhere when the kids are at school or you will lose them.

[sisterbear]

I am an older sister of a heroin user, she is only 17. I feel like tough love is impossible in this situation because selfishly I want to know she is all right via the conduit of admiration and appreciation. I get mad and emphatically stress her talents, but she doesn't hear me Maybe loving a husband in this terrible death contract is similar.

We need to be tough and maybe we need therapy to cope with that idea. I'm not even religious but ultimately I believe we can only pray they come back to our hearts.

[ABoivin]

OMG, I can't believe I am not the only one living in this hell. My husband is into cocaine, drinking, pills, oxycodone. He has been to detox, to programs to NA. He uses and then goes to NA. We have a 5 YEAR old and he swears he is going to get joint custody. He put us in a financial hole right now and I can't leave until he finishes this deal so he keeps threatening me that he will leave me with nothing. It's like he has turned evil and if anyone would have told me this would be my life a year ago I would have laughed. He is verbally and emotionally abusive. He lies, takes our truck which is in my name and drives around all night high, he drove around with our daughter while he was on pills and I didn't now it. He says if I limit his custody he'll leave me with nothing. But the sad part is we are still living together and he barely looks at her so why is he so adomant about seeing her when he is gone. I am leaving him but it is hard to cut all ties and have a clean break because we are legally married and have a child. BUT when he is high, I leave the house with my daughter.
KICK HIM OUT! He has no money and you are supporting him so what is the purpose of him being there? He sounds like my husband but at least mine still gives me money to pay the bills and I still am leaving him. What I have learned is that Drug Addicts are insane, they lie about everything, they manipulate, constantly renegotiate, retract their own words, make you feel crazy, threaten and will do just about anything to keep using.
THE TRUTH IS IN THE LIFE OF AN ACTIVE DRUG ADDICT YOU DON'T MATTER, YOUR CHILD DOESN'T MATTER, all that matters is getting more drugs or partying. The quicker you realize that the quicker you will be able to detach emotionally and not take what they are doing so personally. This has nothing to do with you, you are no longer the wife, the drugs are his family now.

[angieplus3]

I'm so sorry this is happening to you and your son. YES you should stick around, bide your time and use the court system to prove that's she's unfit and get your son. He's worth it. If you look at the misery you're living in now as temporary and stay to fight for him, eventually he'll have a shot at a good life. Now's the time to be the one person to stick up for him and he won't stay little! Weither he knows it or not he's waiting on you to save him so do. What else is there better to do?


Yvette, I've been in a similar situation and my newly ex husband has only been gone a week so I still miss him and I'm getting through the initial shock of it all so I understand. For too long all my energy has been concentrated on someone I couldn't fix and not on the kids always where it ALWAYS should have been. Drug addicts have a w ay of making their problems yours and you do feel guilty because you've been responsible for so long but you know it's not good for you or the kids. I know it's not so that6's what I cling to, that I'm doing the right thing, the only thing I/you/others can do is control outselves and I agree w/ the person that said to repeat the same matra of "Get better w/ a clean test and then we'll talk about being together." That way the ball's in their court and if they don't get better then you wouldn't want to be in that same hell anyway, would you?