[itsnotme5678]

First off, let me state this: THIS IS MY PROBLEM. Yes, my boyfriend is a factor, but it isn't his problem, I know it's mine. Ok? I don't want you telling me later that I should give my boyfriend a break, because it's not his problem it's mine, and I admit that.

Now, my boyfriend is quite respectful when we're together because he doesn't look at other women. However, he's quite blunt and brutally honest sometimes. The other night he was so eager to hit the club with his classmates, and I was wondering why, as he has said over and over that he hates clubs. So I asked him yesterday what was so specal the other night that he wanted to go so much (he couldn't go anyway because he didn't have money). He said his university was throwing a party at that club, a "sexy night", and there would be strippers for guys and girls. So I asked him if he wanted to go to see these sexier than me girls, and he said, yeah, in part, but also to hang out with the guys. I felt uneasy, but let it got as male behaviour and my own and stupid insecurity.

But it still lingers with mel I don't want to have that conversation with him again because it's a waste of time; since it's my problem he can do nothing to solve it. He reassures me and reassures me to no avail. Here's my solution: become more secure in myself so it doesn't bother me just how many naked breasts and butts he sees and how many sexual fantasies he has with other girls. That's my goal, and I can't achieve it.

He tries to reassure me that yes, I'm very attractive but that there are other girls who're hotter. He said that's a fact of life especially since those girls' jobs is to look good naked. He says it's just entertainment, and that of course he appreciates naked hot girls. That it's biology. But that it doesn't mean he'll stop loving me if one of them turns him on. That I have to trust that he loves me and nothing will change that.

He of course turned the tables, but here's the thing: I HATE MALE STRIPPERS! I don't know, and please, if any male stripper is reading this PLEASE take no offence as this is just my personal preference - but they gross me out. I just don't like that look in men. I find it's a turn off. I like the normal guy with a bit of a beer belly and a hairy chest. Not very muscular. And my boyfriend is eaxclty like that, plus his gorgeous hair, nice tanned skin and eyes to die for he has me looking nowhere else! I just can't think of other guys like that. I've seen no other guys that compare to him, and not even my eternal crush on Edward Norton can make me think for a second that my boyfriend is not the hottest thing on Earth! I'm just not very visual and all this adult enertainment for women doesn't turn me on at all.

However, he admits that the female strippers have the ideal bodies, the hottest bodies. And I agree, I'd love to have a body like that! But that's not the solution I'm looking for. I repeat: I want to become confident and secure in myself so I don't care if he desires some other body type better. He says I'm extremely hot, but I just don't think so as I have medum sized breasts, thunder thighs and a bit of a belly, even though I'm not overweight, I'm not toned and tight. I do have an hourglass figure. But that's not the point.

How can I become confident and stop caring about strippers/pornstars/models/etc. and stop caring if their bodies arouse my boyfriend better, and just generally stop being such an immature insecure girl? (I really, really hate insecure people, therefore I hate myself for this!).

[Nestorian]

First off, try to relax. YOu're telling yourself like a hundred different things. Selfesteem or Ego says, you want him to only want you, that's normal for every one, men and women.

I'll try to walk through this... K so you feel insecure, the reason is obvious, you man likes to see women who "HE THINKS" is sexier than you. Physical appearance is not the sexiest part of a person, to every one. Maybe "he thinks" that they have better bodies but thinks your personality is sexier? Please if you don't know what I mean by personality ask me what I mean because, really, you could have the most killer bod, but be a compleate let down.

TO make yourself feel more confident, start be feeling more comfortable, with just you yourself. Learn to appreciate your body, and it's abilities. Yes, know what you like, and how you like it. Nothing sexier than a girl who knows what she likes, and how. Try to work on the things you don't like about yourself, I'm not saying go on a diet, but working out a little, even a little, like an hour a week. It puts endorphins in the mind, and feeling good, greatly increases the feeling of confidence. Mind you, personally confidence is arrogence, but being comfortable is well relaxed, and loveing.

Be good to yourself, when you get up, I know sounds dumb but look at yourself naked and learn to love your body. Say the good things, and leave out the bad, compliment yourself, and if some one disagrees or says other wise, no need to be offended, its just not for them. But it's for you, and your lover. Tell yourself how truly beautiful you are, and remember it.

Other then that, at the moment I can't really say much, I'm not too sure, I'll do some research about things, let oyu know if I figure anything out, eh.

Love and kindness be with you friend.

[talaniman]

The previous poster made some excellent points, I can only add to do things that make you confident and independent enough to love yourself and who you are. Being good at something you enjoy, is a good place to start.

[ihearya]

Hey, I read your post and I want you to know that I have gone through the same feelings you have for the last year and a half. It is such a lonely feeling because I have very little tolerance for these kinds of issues and was unpleasantly surprised to discover them in myself. I've had other boyfriends but I have had insecurity issues with this one only and I have not been able to make them go away, which is very frustrating. Other girls seem to be OK with their boyfriends wanting to see other women naked and actually seeing other girls naked. If you tell your boyfriend that you would prefer that he not see other girls naked even if he has the urge, would he not do it? If he knows it hurts you and makes you feel bad, would he stop? If looking at other girls naked is more important to him than your happiness, then that is not a good sign. Everybody has some issue or irrational aspect to them whether they know it or not. And maybe not wanting him to look at other girls naked is irrational, maybe it isn't. Regardless, its' how you feel. If he does something that makes you feel bad, maybe he shouldn't do it. And you can blame yourself all day long, but that didn't work for me and it doesn't soundl iek it's working for you. My previous boyfriends showed very little interest in seeing strippers, etc, at least around me, so it was never an issue. This boyfriend expressed interest and I found that unattractive. It isn't about right or wrong or who's bad and who's not, it's about how good of a match people are together. Some girls don't care if their boyfriends watch porn every day and other girls do. Maybe you would be happier with a guy who doesn't trigger this response in you. Out of three boyfriends, I felt insecure in this way with one. So just because you feel this way now with this guy does not mean that you would feel that way necessarily with another person. Good luck, I hope this helped you. Your post helped me, so thank you.

[asking]

Not sure if itsnotme is checking this site anymore. But I have the same response and agree with ihearya. I don't like my partner to be checking out other women, naked or dressed. I just think it's rude. I don't hate my body, although I know I'm not perfect. But I feel dissed by such behavior. I don't check out men generally or flirt with strangers, especially if I'm with my guy. I want him to be the same way. Personally, I wouldn't go out with someone who has stated any interest at all in strip joints or prostitution. That whole scene makes me uncomfortable.

I was married to someone who was constantly checking out other women and I never got used to it. I finally got him to tone it down after he drove over the center line while trying to watch a woman in his rear view mirror. I said I wasn't willing to die so he could check out women and if he didn't stop I would leave. But I never really trusted him because of his attitude.

[steph86]

You can be more confident by focusing on your good parts, making an effort to improve what you want to improve about yourselves and accept the things you can't change.

As for your boyfriend seeing strippers, I think either you just have to accept it or if it really bothers you, talk to him about it again and see if you can work something out. You're clearly not happy about it, so maybe you have to be a bit drastic and say something like "I want a boyfriend who think I am enough and doesn't have a need to see strippers to enjoy himself and get turned on. I want to keep being with you, but I'm not happy as it is now." If he's willing to live up to your expectations, great. If not, either accept it or move on.

I can understand if you feel insecure about it, but I must say. If you learn to be confident in yourself, really confident, I don't think you will have any problem with it. If I had a boyfriend who enjoyed strip clubs I'd actually even enjoy going with him, to see if we had the same taste in women and just have fun. But I'm really, really bi and I completely understand if straight women don't like it, think it's wrong, immoral etc.

[bigbassist15]

Look I'm going to be upfront here, nobody is perfect. Those girls that you think are better than you, probably are never respected, and have crappy lives. How many strippers are remembered in history? None. But how many smart young girls have made a difference? Too many to count. Even if you think you're not as good looking as them, let me tell you you are better in every way.

[bunnybear]

Reading this is like reading what I was thinking...
I hate when my BF checks out other woman,espeacially when I'm with him.
I think its just insulting!I don't check other men out,I think my BF is the most hottest guy ever,and I want him to do the same.
I hate it when guys use the excuse its biology... if it makes your loved one upset then wouldn't you want to stop the behaviour?
I am an attractive woman,but when mens attention is on someone younger,hotter with bigger boobs it makes you feel ugly... well makes me feel bad for not looking that way.
Its really nice to know that there is other girls out there that get hurt by there men looking at other woman,I thought I was alone.
Remember that you are beautiful.. and I'm sure you have a lot better qualities than some stripper!

[1inamillion85]

I've struggled tremendously with the same problem.. and it can be kind of crippling over time when dealing with relationships. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I'm an attractive girl. I'm smart, I'm funny, and I'm caring, but for some reason I find myself in a little self-pity rut pretty often. My man is a lot like yours (sweet, but extreeeemely blunt) so it's easy for me to start doubting myself when he says something I don't want to necessarily hear from him.

Like someone mentioned before, the best way I've been able to deal with these types of feelings is to do things to make me feel more confident. I've noticed that excersize seems to do the trick. I feel so much better and more in tune with myself when I excersize regularly. Provided your budget can allow it, I also believe that getting your hair or nails done regularly can also boost your confidence in a big way. As corny as it sounds, I've also found that positive affirmations help a lot too. I write something down such as " You're beautiful, intelligent, and unique in your own way. There's no reason at all to doubt yourself and what you have to offer the world, much less your man", memorize it, and repeat it to myself in the mirror at least once a day. I swear to you, after repeating positive words to yourself like that every day, it's almost impossible not to begin to believe them... which you should anyway! Every woman is beautiful and special in her own right.

[chuff]

I think when we see these female views about strippers it is a prime example of the difference between men and women. You said he turned the tables on you by telling you to go see male strippers and to him that's equal because he's coming at this from the perspective of a visual nature. In reality, if he wants to make it equal he should be saying something like go read a romance novel or watch sex in the city. As you describe you want a "normal looking guy" because visually you and him are talking in a different language. That's why to him this is not a big deal and he justifies it with offering you what is the same to him. You are both talking about the same thing with two complete different meanings.

Now that being said you asked about insecurities. I'm not sure if this would help or not, but I noticed something about him that most women would love and that is he is completely honest with you. You may not like what he's saying but he respects you enough to tell you the truth so that you don't feel like he's hiding anything. Turn this around and start viewing and focusing on the positive and use that to talk down your insecurites as they come up.

[asking]

I have to say that I don't agree with Chuff. For one thing, I don't think that a guy being honest is some big admirable quality that women come running for. It's a bare minimum for any relationship. Anyway, my experience is that plenty of guys are "honest" when it suits them, about one thing, dishonest about other things. Fortunately, there are also plenty of genuinely honest men who have self respect and don't lie to women as a matter of course or feel they should get brownie points every time they tell the truth.

As for strip joints being okay for married or involved guys, I guess that's a matter of taste. But I know plenty of guys who Would object to a woman going to strip joints or making a big deal about other guys generally. It's common for people to say, "I wouldn't mind if you did X," knowing full well the other person isn't going to do it. He's just playing chicken with her. I bet if she actually went and appeared to enjoy it, he'd get all insecure on her. But that's not who she is--either to do it--or to play games and pretend she likes it. That makes sense to me. What doesn't make sense is for him to blow off legitimate feelings. Maybe they just aren't well suited if going to strip joints is more important to him than having this particular girlfriend. Let him find one who doesn't care what he does when he's not with her. There are a few around.

[chuff]

I have to say that I don't agree with Chuff. For one thing, I don't think that a guy being honest is some big admirable quality that women come running for.

I'm not being a smart a$$ but if women don't want an honest man what do they want?

It's a bare minimum for any relationship.

Honesty is a bare minimum for any relationship?

Anyway, my experience is that plenty of guys are "honest" when it suits them, about one thing, dishonest about other things.

I absolutely agree with you. But in this situation it does not suit him to be honest with her. The easy road for him would have been to lie and tell her he went bowling. He was honest when it didn't suit him which was the point I was trying to get across. I'll grant you I don't think I made that point clear in my original post but he didn't have to be honest with her and he was, knowing that it could come back to haunt him he still took the high road.

[QUOTE=asking] Fortunately, there are also plenty of genuinely honest men who have self respect and don't lie to women as a matter of course or feel they should get brownie points every time they tell the truth.

I never suggested he should get brownie points, I suggested that his honesty was a good quality in the face of the backlash he could have expected. He is the genuine honest guy you describe, he knew she probably wouldn't like the answer and still choose to give her the truth.

As for strip joints being okay for married or involved guys, I guess that's a matter of taste. But I know plenty of guys who Would object to a woman going to strip joints or making a big deal about other guys generally. It's common for people to say, "I wouldn't mind if you did X," knowing full well the other person isn't going to do it.

I also agree. My point, and I will grant you I may not have made this clear, but my point is that strip clubs do not mean the same thing to men that they do to women. Many women could not sit at a strip club because they think it's beneath them, it's disgusting, it appeals to some mens fantasy. That is because men are visual. The very same can be said of a TV show or movie that appeals to a woman's emotions. I sat through Sex in the City for about 15 minutes once and it was beneath me, disgusting, and appeals to a woman's fantasy.

He's just playing chicken with her.

I'd bet money he's not.

I bet if she actually went and appeared to enjoy it, he'd get all insecure on her.

I bet he'd probably enjoy it more then he'd get insecure about it.

But that's not who she is--either to do it--or to play games and pretend she likes it.

I agree that's not who she is, and I agree she shouldn't be changing for him.

that makes sense to me. What doesn't make sense is for him to blow off legitimate feelings.

I agree 100%. He should not blow off her feelings. But the point I was trying to make is he should not lie about it to cover up the feelings.

Maybe they just aren't well suited if going to strip joints is more important to him than having this particular girlfriend.

I also agree. Although, with this guy it doesn't appear to be a regular situation. It happened once.

Let him find one who doesn't care what he does when he's not with her. There are a few around.

There are more then a few. He should care what she thinks, but this isn't the biggest deal in the world either, I'm sure if we were to ask him he would say there are things that she does or has done that are far worse then this situation, and my original point was that men and women look at this subject with two different sets of eyes.

[talaniman]

There is a problem with any stance a partner takes, and refuses to budge. It takes away from communicating, and compromising, and working together to solve your problems.

If you want your voice to be heard, and your feelings taken seriously, you better be willing to listen, and give the same consideration. A hard line, or a closed mind, will not help a relationship, only separate the partners further.

[LaRosalita]

Break up with him you deserve more respect than this; a real man would find you the most beautiful girl in the world