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Nero33456 · Jun 9, 2008, 08:06 AM

All right so my fiancé/girlfriend of 4 years just broke up with me. And ill say this, she wasn't just my fiancé/girlfriend, she was my BEST FRIEND we did EVERYTHING together!

But you, its been about 2 months now since we broke up. I totally lost it. She told me that it was because "i dont listnen to her when she talks to me" or some BS. And that "she just isnt as happy as she once was". During the beginning of the breakup, I kind of freaked out and kept calling her and sending her messages and that kind of thing. Which looking back now I realize that was the wrong thing to do.

She DID NOT leave me for another guy, but she is currently seeing someone. But I think that's because I kept bothering her and pushing her away further.

What I find weird about the whole thing is that she hasn't given me ANY closure from the last time that we spoke. Like she'll say something like "...I'm not dedicated RIGHT NOW". Emphasis on right now. And like I said, we were engaged. She still has my ring as well. I told her that I wanted her to hold on to it, as long as its because she's holding on to it for our future. And she didn't give it back.

I know that I need her to miss me for her to want me back.and I haven't spoken a word to her in almost 3 weeks now. SOMEBODY HELP ME!

eastcoast1 · Jun 9, 2008, 08:18 AM

Hi Nero & Welcome to the forum. I'm sorry you are going through this right now, I can say most of the folks on here have been through similar situations, and we'll do what we can to guide you through this process, it's a battle, but have faith that in time it will get better, and there is always light at the end of the tunnel. First I would read over the stickies on some peoples signatures, along with the top 5 posts on this forum. They have tremendous information that will begin the process you are going through.

Regarding your situation, the best thing you can do right now is "NC" = No Contact, as much as you miss her, and want to hear her voice, try to reconcile, the relationship now is broken. Unfortunately her feelings for you, and the relationship have changed, and as you mentioned, she is seeing someone else. Pursuing her won't get anything accomplished. It's time to focus on yourself, and make yourself healthy again. We can't predict the future, so answering the "Billion Dollar Question" if she will come back or not we can't provide. We can provide you reassurance that it will get better in time, but you have to go NC.

With that aside- you have to face reality, and I know it's a tough pill to swallow, but it appears she has moved on. Doesn't sound like a stable relationship (4yrs with someone, then bouncing to another one in 2 months) This time is going to be critical for you to heal, and focus on yourself. The gym is a great place to turn this heartache into a productive lifestyle, it will make you feel a lot better, and you'll look better, which never hurts. Hang out with friends, family, and keep yourself busy as much as possible.

Take one day at a time, and trust me when I tell you, that this will pass, hang in there bro.

ajhastings88 · Jun 9, 2008, 08:19 AM

Dude Calm down, I know how you are feeling. You need to take a couple of breaths. Right now you are all over the place. Your Ex was pretty straight forward, an at least told you the truth, so that was good. Just give it some time Live your life and keep going on. Stick your guns up with NC ( No contact ) and heal yourself. The whole begging thing really put you in a hole, so you need to recouperate. Take that time to better youreself, and work on that begging thing ( trust me I begged and pleaded over and over, it just does not work. ) Give her no time of day and just work on you. Go out and have some fun. Do something you have always wanted to do. Just worry about yourself, as I would say, ( just do you. You will be just fine. You made it 2 months, you are much stronger than me. Hand in there, we are here for you.

Ash123 · Jun 9, 2008, 08:22 AM

Man, that sucks.

Not talking (known on her as No Contact or NC) is best, but since you were engaged you may be a bit off balance to say the least so you may need to talk to a pro...
(your GP could give you a list of solid therpaists to talk this out with)

If you must: You could try to communicate that you NEED closure to her. In a way that will not scare her off.
Tell her you need a sane adult conversation and then you can go your separate ways.
Pick a time and place during the day that is easy and not threatening but allows for a conversation. Maybe a loud restaurant with a booth in the back.

Note: If you do this - I do not think you are going to see ANY sign of her missing you. She is in tough girl mode. You might want to check out the Break-up guide below ---- and no matter what happens be nice and LISTEN to all she says... and then BE GONE. She has, for whatever reason... And you need time to regain your sanity

If you want to collect your thoughts for 4 months and then respond in short fashion go ahead. But, she may have saved you both a lot of heartache later.

I am not sure what the rest of the details are, but I am guessing they are many. Feel free to share here as you wish.

Hang in there!

A

talaniman · Jun 9, 2008, 08:36 AM

She DID NOT leave me for another guy, but she is currently seeing someone. But I think that's because I kept bothering her and pushing her away further.

She has changed her mind about you and is moving on as should you, especially since you have made a pest of yourself. Disappear with dignity, if you still have any.

Nero33456 · Jun 9, 2008, 08:55 AM

She's a VERY jealous girl. Would getting a girlfriend and letting her know it help? Or make it worst? Because right now I think she's thinking that I'm ALWAYS going to be there no matter what. Like I won't move on.

thoughtiwastheman · Jun 9, 2008, 09:15 AM

I understand your pain and yes, frustration too but I have a few things on my mind. I know you love her and these things may be hard for you to do but you have to do them. First off, what type of guy are you? I mean, did you cater to her every need? Did she always want things done the way she wanted. I think the answers to these questions are very important because although you are doing the no contact, you could end up doing or acting the same way you did before if she does come back. Here's another problem. I feel like you are doing the no contact in order to get her back. The NC rule is for you and no one else. It's a time for you to heal and if need be completely move on. Don't think that just because you are marking x's on your calendar that she will return after a period. That mindset will definitely get you hurt. Okay, so she left, and now she is seeing someone else? I don't mean to be harsh but if I've learned one thing is this. Women hate to be or feel alone. Women are always always always looking. I have a strong inclination to say that she had either known this guy before ending things with you or that she knew this guy had something for her and that he would be waiting for her once she left you. So don't be too quick to say that she didn't leave you for another guy. This is why acting all soft and weak that first month or so when she left was so crucial. By you calling her so much, you were actually giving this new guy a better status in her eyes and just reaffirming the fact that he is better than you and that she made the right decision to leave. So far you are doing the right thing by NC but make sure that its for the right reasons. Lastly, I want to say this. This could be hard for you to do but you have to do it. If not, I KNOW for a fact that you will get played hard my friend. What I am about to say involves the ring that you gave her and this could be a hard thing for you to do. I want you to take that ring back. You have told her that you want her to hold on to it just in case she changes her mind. Do you know what that mean? It means you have given her a ticket to do whatever it is she wants and to take her sweet time getting back IF she is ever coming back. In her mind she will say, "You know what? He'll take me back whenever I want so why rush. I can have my cake and eat it too." I don't know how much you paid for this ring but that ring symbolized trust, friendship, unity, and a whole lotta things which she no longer values with you. So why does she still have it? You may thing the ring will make her thing of what she left behind but trust me, it will only let her think that she has a safety net and that you will always be there if she ever needs someone. If she ever does come back it won't be because she missed and realized she loved you but because she was simply lonely. Do you want that? Let her know that its over, make her believe that you've moved on, and let her fight to get that ring back. There's a great quote that I read somewhere on this forum. It goes, "Never make someone a priority in your life when you're only an option in their's." I'm afraid to say that you might be an option in her life right now. Break the cycle and completely detach yourself from the situation. This is what's called tough love and if she never returns, guess what? You have moved on anyway. Now for how you are going to get this ring back. Don't come across as being upset or threatening in any way. Simply call her up and have a very short conversation with her. Ask her how she's been and tell her that you would like the ring back because it symbolized something that was and is no longer and that although you don't agree that you want the best for her. You can arrange whichever way to get the ring back but remember that this isn't an opportunity to talk things over. It should be a cordial thing (it'll be difficult, I know) and a well wishing good luck type of thing too. Don't show any emotion and make sure to make it brief. Remember you're a busy guy now and you have things to do. Say goodbye and go your separate ways. EXTREMELY HARD but I understand. Nero, the good thing is that if she does decide to come back one day and if you are still willing to try is that she'll come back because YOU want her back (not the other way around) and because she didn't feel pressured to come back because of the ring which you helf over her head. Understand this. We cannot control people. We can only live our lives and welcome those that wish to be a part of it. Good luck.

Ash123 · Jun 9, 2008, 09:20 AM

I agree with tal,

Either do it like a man - have a conversation and be gone.
Or go away now.

She cut you off at the knees. A girlfriend will NOT make her jealous. It will just make you walk around looking over your shoulder. If you can date though, go for it. It won't cure you, but it will redirect you while you heal.

I will say it again, I think there is more going on here that you have not spoken about. Maybe she is right. Maybe she isn't. But if your fiancée walks away - that is a big clue she is serious about whatever she wants differently.

The best revenge is finding someone you want that wants you... And clearing your head (it takes time!) of your ex.

Read guide below:

thoughtiwastheman · Jun 9, 2008, 09:23 AM

Just read your post about the you getting a girlfriend and all I have to say is, who cares? Don't live your life for her. You see, already you are creatign a roadblock for yourself. You won't try as hard when you meet this new girl (s) because you are using them to get to your ex. Women will sense this and in the long-run you will remain alone and desperate while all along she will be happy with this new guy. Don't do anything because of what you think she will say or do.

Nero33456 · Jun 9, 2008, 09:37 AM

Thanks guys for the advice. It really helps me see things different. But for now I think I am going to just leave her like everyone said and try to move on. I should also note that she new guy that she is with, and they've been seeing each other for about 2 months now, well he JUST left to another country and won't be back for 3 months. So I thought that could only help the situation. I think they're "staying together" but I don't know, doesn't sound like they have much of a foundation. But I thought this, in combination with me absolutely leaving her alone, and asking her for the ring, all at once, may be my best shot.
And you of course there is a loooot more going on here. I could write pages here on all the details, but this is the general situation.

But you I was the type of guy catered to her every need. And I was totally OK with that. I wanted to see her happy.

ajhastings88 · Jun 9, 2008, 10:02 AM

Originally Posted by Nero33456

but ya I was the type of guy catered to her every need. And i was totally ok with that. I wanted to see her happy.

Sounds like my ex, it will come around and bite them in the azz, don't worry, hopefully you will be long gone moving on, and if not you will have your head on real straight.

Nero33456 · Jun 9, 2008, 10:05 AM

Lol I think girls get so used to gettings treated sooo good, the second you mess up, boom its all over.

thoughtiwastheman · Jun 9, 2008, 11:50 AM

Best shot for what? I don't think you are getting the point here. This isn't about her nor is it about "getting" her while she's most vulnerable. If anything you want her back when there's no one in her life to distract her or when she herself is ready. She's trying something new and so should you. Lets play your scenario out though just for fun. Ok, so this guy leaves, you get your ring back, you do the no contact, and she starts feeling lonely and unwanted and she realizes how much she "misses" you and comes running back into your arms. Happy ending, right? WRONG! First off, this guy is coming back. Don't forget that. And secondly, would you really want someone only because you were the only thing around? Remember that she left even while being engaged which takes a lot of guts to do. All I'm saying is that she means business and your acting like this is just a fluke. I will say this though and this goes for both men and women that not being completely honest in your intentions or actions will lead to such behavior such as yours. My ex told me that she still loved me and that she would come back only because she didn't want to hurt me. Well guess what? I hopes were raised and when it didn't happen I got really hurt. To goes to everyone. If you don't want to be with someone anymore then be straight honest with them because it only leads to confusion. The sayings, "honesty is the best policy" and "the truth hurts" really holds up regardless of the fact that you may get your heart broken. But guess what? You become stronger and during that time that your alone you become a better person and realize that you are perhaps better off without this person and that you could actually do better without them. That the beauty of life. We are always learning. If not by ourselves and what we confront personally, than from some someone else that has gone through what we are currently dealing with. This may sound completely counterintuitive but here it goes: If you want her back forget about her. Let her live her life and you live yours. Trust me, this is all you can do. I've never believed in interventions because people can only be helped when they want and are ready to be helped. So all though we are all intervening in your relationship problem and trying to help you out. The only person that can really help you is yourself. This change will be painful but the metamorphosis will be grand and beautiful. Remember, don't do anything for her. Do it for yourself.

thoughtiwastheman · Jun 9, 2008, 12:01 PM

And no. Girls don't like to be treated good. Whatever that means. They are humans just like you and I, and as such should be treated the same. Girls like drama so when you treat them in a monotonious manner, i.e. "like princesses and goddesses" they get bored. It okay to get them upset sometimes. In fact, they like it. This is a completely different topic but all I will say is that the quote, "nice guys finish last" is true to its core. Sometimes you need to be an . As soon as ANYONE feel like they can walk over you they will. Don't get sidetracked here and think that your ex left you for someone else because you stopped pampering her for a day or two buddy. I doubt she even cares about that matter. Again, you're still focused on her and not yourself but I'm not mad at you because I I know that it takes time.

Ash123 · Jun 9, 2008, 12:19 PM

Well, now you don't have to cater to any needs.

(Get that ring back when you want and enjoy your Summer... )

sandra6 · Jun 9, 2008, 12:44 PM

Hi I'm talking from a women's point now. I don't understand why you would want the ring back. I didn't give my enagagment ring back ( He never ask for it back) Do you want the ring back as an excuse to see and talk to her. I think she has definatley moved on and you not doing the same she knows that and she is using it to keep you dangling. You telling her you want get together as some point is saying you are willing to get used sooner or later. I personally until now I have never been treated good. I didn't know what being treated nicely meant. I wish I had then my life would have been different. With this other man he might not treat as well as you did but she might realise what she has lost. But by then you will have moved on and forgotten her. You need to realise she isn't the one for you. Put no one first and life will be fantastic.

Nero33456 · Jun 9, 2008, 01:20 PM

No I don't want it back to see her. Because she won't see me anyway. I want it back because I don't want her to think that I'm sitting around here waiting for her whenever she's "ready" to take me back.
Thanks thoughtiwastheman for your advice. You seem to know what your doing. I'm still analyzing everything you said. Its just an awful feeling to sit back and let it go.

thoughtiwastheman · Jun 9, 2008, 01:29 PM

Personally I would want the ring back because it wasn't a gift to begin with. If it had been a gift then I would have left it with her. You see now we're talking money or rather business and it shouldn't be personal. I don't know how much he paid for the ring or whether your (sandra6) ex was rich or not, but I would take the ring back on the mere fact that Nero specifically told his ex that he wanted her to hold on to it for their "future". Taking it back will allow him to move on, get his money back, and kill any idea that his ex may have that she can do as she pleases and still hold on to the prize (the ring). Where is the wrong in that? Why should you care what she thinks if you take the ring back. Obviously she didn't care about you? Okay, so I take that back. She might still care about you as a friend but wants nothing to do with the relationship. Either way, the ring wasn't a gift and nor did it symbolize friendship.

thoughtiwastheman · Jun 9, 2008, 01:34 PM

And in terms of seeing her. You can tell her to drop the ring off in your mail slot at a time when your not home. (hope she doesn't have a spare key and if she does you should change the locks). Not only will that say that you don't care whether you see her or not but it will allow you to heal faster, and it will portray the fact that your not home because you're out living your life and being busy. Good luck!

Nero33456 · Jun 9, 2008, 01:36 PM

I actually just talked to her and asked for it back. She apparently still can't see me face to face. So a friend is getting it for me. God this is ridiculous...