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Boristheblade · Jun 7, 2008, 11:32 AM

Ok me and my boyfriend were together for a year
He was a really bad boyfriend a lot of the time, and he was horrible to me before we got together. But when we got together he really was my sunshine even throug
To all those people who are told, "give up he'll/she'll never want you"
I tried so hard to get him, we were just friends, I was lovely to him, he liked me more, we went out he fell in love with me.
Towards the end he finally changed, he stopped breaking up with me over anything, ringing me up drunk and abusive etc.
But we had one argument and I think that was it for him, he was SICK of arguing.
I cried so much (probably a mistake) and he said OK you gave me so many chances I owe our relationship another chance. I was ecstatic, I was all lovely to him etc etc
Then he was funny for a few days
And finally he said I don't feel the same
Obviously I was devastated I was a pathetic wreck and still am devastated
I did all the no-no's- cried in front of him, told me he didn't really mean it, and txt him saying I miss him and I love him etc etc
I've just realised that that is wrong. I have to live my own life. I got my nose pierced and am dyeing my hair from red and black to blonde and I'm going to do ME
What I need to know is... how long do I wait before I talk to him again?
Because I know he still cares, the relationship as it was just wore him down but of course it doesn't feel like that to him.
He said before he'd never go out with me and I ended up being his world.
How long do I wait before I casually txt him again before his feelings really do go.
Yeah I'm pretty suicidal to be fair.

ChihuahuaMomma · Jun 7, 2008, 03:09 PM

Don't text him. He sounds like a horrible person. You deserve better. Move on. Don't settle.

JBeaucaire · Jun 7, 2008, 08:24 PM

If I wanted someone so much it was making me suicidal, THAT would be the reason I wouldn't be around them. Unless you can handle the ins and out and ups and downs and beginnings AND endings of relationships without considering suicide, you shouldn't be attaching yourself to any guy. Not only are you risking your life (suicidal), if you were to mess yourself up while dating someone you would destroy them by doing it.

Not good, lose lose. Time to get your marbles cleaned and checked before you risk them again with a man.

Baby-_-Girl-_-19 · Jun 8, 2008, 02:05 AM

Look, After an intense relationship like that, it will be a VERY long time before you guys can become anything causual. The whole no contact thing; is a rule for a reason, it takes a lot of stress off your shoulders. It saves the awkwardness, the hurt, and the anger. All of the lingering emotions you two have need to work themselves out. He does sound like a prick you do deserve a lot better than that.
Now you being suicidal, and yea I feel the need to address that too forgive me, I got dangerously reckless after me and my ex broke up and trying to talk to him just made me that much worse, and I'm going to tell you like kind of like my best friend told me, 'dont be afraid to lean on someone; no matter how strong you think or are or how strong you're "suppose" to be.' It will get better I promise you that, but right now you need to focuse on you. Im not saying that you should forget him completely, your past helps make you who you are but if it was TRULY meant to be then it will work itself out leave it to god to decide that, you take care of yourself...

Boristheblade · Jun 8, 2008, 07:19 AM

He can be horrible, and at the same time he can be amazing and was my best friend. It's really hard to let go when he made me so happy a lot of the time. I live in England and I'm moving to America this autumn and he was supposed to be coming with me. It's so hard to think that I'll be going without him. Especially as I know that he still cares, and obviously so do I.

ChihuahuaMomma · Jun 8, 2008, 08:19 AM

It seemed that he never cared. I would try to move on. Fill your time with something more productive, and find someone in America that will treat you better!

Boristheblade · Jun 8, 2008, 10:30 AM

:( I wondered that. Then I remember the look on his face a few months ago when I said I wasn't sure if I felt the same because of the hell he'd put me through, it was the first time I'd seen him cry about anything, apart from the time when he cheated on me. & I knew he was genuinely sorry and willing to work hard to make it work and he did.. and now this.. *sigh* I've tried so hard to move on but...

ChihuahuaMomma · Jun 8, 2008, 10:37 AM

He's NOT sorry, he's just a good liar/actor. Move on.

Boristheblade · Jun 8, 2008, 02:01 PM

My ex's ex/old friend kept messaging me asking how I am? And I though off her own accord. Then she tells me he asked her to check I was OK and he msgd my friend telling her to look after me. Yet he is SO nasty to me. I rang him yesterday to ask why his ex was messaging me (breaking the no contact thing) he said, " don't get offended when I hang up it's for your own good"
My ex has always been hasty and said things he does't mean
Splitting up with me I think is one?
What am I supposed to think... :(

JBeaucaire · Jun 8, 2008, 09:41 PM

Don't be offended by his hanging up. He did that because you called him with an irrelevant question.

Don't do that anymore.

RULE TO LIVE BY:
"Believe nothing you hear, and only half of what you see."

Go back to the NC, stop thinking about him. Stop processing information about him from others. Move forward.

talaniman · Jun 9, 2008, 06:25 AM

Save the confusion and drama, he is a nut, so forget him, and celebrate your freedom.

Boristheblade · Jun 11, 2008, 11:19 AM

How do I honestly distract myself from the pain of missing my ex. On a day-to-day basis I mean, not wacky extreme things like going out and getting a "new hobby". I really want to go through with this no-contact thing as it's the only way forward either to move on OR to get back with my ex. But I'm really suffering now and I know I'll break it if I don't lessen my longing of him. Anything that really works?? Pleaaasseee help

X

damaged · Jun 11, 2008, 12:51 PM

Do whatever you like to do...
Movies, read, TV, hang out with friends, get a pet, study.

But you got to be strong... even if you feel liike calling, don't

JBeaucaire · Jun 11, 2008, 01:04 PM

Getting out of the house and getting a hobby is "whacky"? Involving yourself in new things that could possibly be time-consuming and thus effectively distract you from your obsessive thoughts is "whacky"?

Well, we know the problem now. You want an answer that involves you sitting in your comfortable life and change nothing and still magically have the pain disappear. For that to work, it would have to truly BE MAGIC.

Recovery isn't about convenience, it's about doing. If you aren't going to get out there and DO other things, then the little distractions you try at home will fail and you'll be back here asking for help again.

simoneaugie · Jun 11, 2008, 01:09 PM

Write down how you are feeling. What you write doesn't have to be perfect, just get out how you are feeling. Cry, beat up your pillows and yell, then write some more. That's what has worked for me.

mimi03 · Jun 11, 2008, 01:50 PM

Originally Posted by simoneaugie

Write down how you are feeling. What you write doesn't have to be perfect, just get out how you are feeling. Cry, beat up your pillows and yell, then write some more. That's what has worked for me.

Also with this method I can look back on some of those awful events and I sometimes wonder why I was sooo emotionally torn and realize those situations weren't very life altering after all... also when something bad happens now I can use that journal to remind myself that I Will Pull Through It!
So can You!

talaniman · Jun 11, 2008, 03:19 PM

I really want to go through with this no-contact thing as it's the only way forward either to move on OR to get back with my ex

Part of your problem is your still holding on to false hope.
.

But I'm really suffering now and I know I'll break it if I don't lessen my longing of him.

Your suffering as we all do unless we commit to moving on and rebuilding your life without them in it. You can't have it both ways and need to figure out your moving on or stuck on..!

Anything that really works?? Pleaaasseee help

I have only one suggestion and that's to get with the no contact and stick to it. If its an easier way your looking for, your on your own.

losingit77 · Jun 11, 2008, 04:50 PM

You need to be an active participant in your recovery. Don't just expect to think or do things just like always and you'll magically get over it. You need to get it your mind that you're going to do this. You're going to get over it. Stop thinking about the past and start planning your new future and your brand new life. See the positives all around you rather than looking back at the one negative.

Hang out with friends, make new friends, get out in the world and experience new things. Take a class, clean your house, volunteer, whatever. Set new goals for yourself that aren't centered on your ex or your relationship.

Boristheblade · Jun 12, 2008, 12:31 PM

Originally Posted by Boristheblade

How do I honestly distract myself from the pain of missing my ex. On a day-to-day basis I mean, not wacky extreme things like going out and getting a "new hobby". I really want to go through with this no-contact thing as it's the only way forward either to move on OR to get back with my ex. But I'm really suffering now and I know I'll break it if I don't lessen my longing of him. Anything that really works?????? Pleaaasseee help

x

Thank you for your advice, especially the, eh hem, more direct approaches. I only said without getting a hobby because I have enough... I play sport at a county level, dance, and am currently doing exams. That's why I wanted ways that weren't so time consuming. Writing sounds good. It's also true hanging on to hope and thinking of him is stopping me feeling better. Thank you again :)

Boristheblade · Jun 15, 2008, 03:50 AM

Ok I need help. I think I need to be specific in order for anyone reading this to fully understand my pain. I am 17 years old, but because of adult experiences I've had to deal with as a child, I am very mature for my age. My ex boyfriend is 21 years old in one month. I first met him at a party my friend had, and we got on right away and I really liked him and he really liked me, as we talked more he informed he could not enter a relationship with me as boyfriend and girlfriend because he was still in love with his ex girlfriend. While this hurt, I accepted it and we were just "seeing" each other.

However, one day he asked me to stop ringing him because he said he was talking to his ex and that was a big thing for him and it didn't look good with me ringing all the time. I felt really hurt and rejected but accepted this and we didn't talk for a while. Then one day I asked him to come around because I had something important to tell him. This was on MSN. He got really angry and told me to just tell him then because he thought it was nothing. So I told him that I was pregnant, I was 16 at this point. He was very dismissive and was like, " go to the doctors, as soon as it's proved get rid of it it's nothing". When I told him I wasn't sure that's what I wanted to he got really angry and said he'd tell my mum. Anyway we concluded the conversation that he'd pick me up and we'd go and get me tested so I could prove to him I wasn't lying.

He then went offline, I went on a different address to check my email and saw him online. I was so hurt and angry that I'd told him I was pregnant and he'd blocked me on MSN. I told him to leave me alone and that I didn't want him to have anything to do with it. He apologised profusely and asked me if we could start again. So I agreed and went offline myself. He came and picked me up, I proved to him I was pregnant and assured him it was his. He told me I had no choice but to get rid of it because he'd have nothing to do with the baby.I was due to go on holiday to New York so we said we'd discuss it more after.

When I got back we met up just to talk but I ended up sleeping with him again... while I was three months pregnant :| I know, I know, Anyway a random girl added me on MSN that I did not know and started pouring her heart out to me about how her little cousin was pregnant and she didn't know how to help her. So to console her I told her about me and that I was coping, she asked the boys name. I didn't think anything of it so I told her. All of a sudden she became hysterical and did a lot of ":O" faces, then blocked me. Next thing I know my ex boyfriend came online and asked me why I had told his ex girlfriend about it when he forbade me to tell anyone. I was so shocked. I had no idea it was her.

This is a big part of the story but I'll shorten it because there's lots more. There was a HUGE fallout over the next few days. Because she told me a lot of lies he said about me.He told me she was lying they fell out, partly because he'd made out I was some easy whore he picked up in a club for a one night stand APPARENTLY, when the truth is he was too selfish to be there for me. By this time I'd had my induced miscarriage and he said he'd be there when it happened he was nowhere to be seen, and did not offer me emotional support afterwards.

They stopped talking. He apologised to me, and we made up and became friends. However, by this time I'd fallen in love with him and we became boyfriend and girlfriend. Everything was perfect for awhile, he was lovely, and it was a dream come true for me because I'd always wanted him to be there for me and care for me and want me. However, he started breaking up with me over little things, being really inconsiderate, ringing me up drunk and abusive etc. On new years eve he broke up with me in the middle of a club because he said I ignored him when he came into the room, he pushed me up against a wall. I was crying in front of everyone while my best friend helplessly watched the events unfold. I told him to walk away and he couldn't, he came back to me and hugged me and told me he couldn't do it and was sorry. I went home because he'd ruined my night. The next night he told me all the things he would change and promised he'd make this year good for me, everything was finally going right.

A few days later, his ex came online asking about him. This confused me as to my knowledge they didn't speak. She admitted he'd been cheating on me with her, and that's the real reason she came online-to tell me. One of those times was after he'd ruined my night on new years eve.I confronted him, at first he was angry he'd been caught out. But then he text me all night saying it was me he loved and he realised that now and he wasn't lying when he said those things on new years day. Anyway I ignored him, but he turned up at my house the next day, it was the first time id seen him cry. He bought me a necklace I'd always wanted and I genuinely believed he was sorry so silly me took him back. He did not change however, though he didn't cheat on me again, he carried on being horrible. Until one day I walked out and he knew I wasn't coming back and he literally dropped to his knees and cried, and he actually changed then.

But we had a huge argument, he said to me, "I didn't have this problem with blank". His exgirlfriend. I was so angry I stormed out of the car. He then text me saying we were on a break and later saying he did not want to be with me anymore. I was distraught that I'd put up with so much from him only for him to do this to me. Seeing how hurt I was he said he wanted to give us another chance. So he did, and I did, and everything was lovely like we were just going out again. I was so happy for the first time in a long while. But after ignoring me for a whole day, he told me he didn't feel the same and he was breaking up with me for good.

I was so distraught, I was the perfect girlfriend he'd said and yet after just two weeks since that argument he'd "fallen out of love"with me. After everything we'd planned, we were supposed to be moving to America together at the end of August. He was my best friend and the only one I depended on. I haven't eaten or drank or slept properly for two weeks. He said to make it easier for me we couldn't talk. I respected this. Though I'm sure he rang me one day so I text him to ask he ignored me. I then asked if I could have my cd back he ignored me. So I told him I was coming to get it and he told me I wasn't because he wasn't at home and wouldn't be all day. This was at 4pm. He works 11pm to 7am. He goes straight home and sleeps. The only reason he wouldn't be at home was if he went straight to sleep at someone else's home and was going straight from their to work. He was at his ex's house.

After everything, a whole year he tried to convince me I wasn't second best to her and that he loved me and not her. There he was at her house less than two weeks after our break up. I adored him and still do and he never loved me even though I treated him perfectly as even he admits. I only gave up my baby to make him happy. I don't have my baby I don't have her dad.

I need help on how to cope with this because I can't function. I can barely breathe. Someone please tell me how to deal with this pain of rejection and betrayal.