[tiamokiss]

.... and we were in primary school together... we met last year in a reunion.. I tried to show him I'm intrested in many ways, my own ways, I was very supportive, I knew he got that band, I showed up in his concerts. he even thought of making an event organizing company I suppported him and we became partners me him and 2 of his friends, we started meeting eachother at least once or twice a week, me and him sometimes, the 4 of us other times, he used to call every minute it was all about business, I wasn't available all the time, My mother liked him so much as well and wished we could get comitted someday, and he was the only guy me and my mother liked at the same time , usally me and my mom never get along in these issues, she always rejects my choices, I hate the guys she choose for me!! neways! one day I was calling him to follow up. he said I can't hear u can I call u later because I'm on my Engagment party, I was in total shock but over reacted in saying "congratulations".. after wards I knew she was a girl with us in school that he met in the same reunion last year, I ask my self sometimes why he chose her over me?! I am very attractive, sweet and loved by all.. our freinds used to say u both match!! you look like a very sweet couple r u in a relationship? I used to say no we r not, but I wanted that so much deep inside me, when he called me next day I wasn't able to answer and then I tried so hard to call him back as if nothing happened at all, and congratulate him, I asked him why I wasn't invited? he said it was a family gathering small party, and apologized.. as Every thing just seemed so blurry and unclear... I thought if we met I will be Okay, but when I saw him wearing another girl's ring in his finger... I felt so broken hearted that there were tears in my eyes, I know I kept it all this time for myself never showed my feelings, shall I let them out now?! I was looking at him speaking and I couldn't hear a word, I was just starrin at his lips moving and I was like "God I Love You.. I swear I do !"....




15 May 2008

Dear Diaries,
I met him yesterday as well, and nothing have changed, none of my feelings towards him have changed. I still love him, I love him even more. I tried to force my self and push myself to stop lovin him, but I couldn't.. Dear diaries, he means a lot to me... I wish him the best of luck in his life, in his future.. with his wife.. with his kids.. with his family.. But that will never make my love less.. I will always keep him in my heart.
As usual I cried my heart out when I went back home. Hoping this time was the last to meet him, because its always tearing me apart.
I told him about my new love, not the whole truth of course.. I told him that the guy loves me so much, I lied when I said I love that guy too..
He was looking at me speaking and I can see pity in his eyes.. I don't want anyone to pity me for God's sake!!

He then started to tell me that this relation is impossible and that I need to reconsider... that I'm not going to be happy with that Palestinian guy, and that we will face lots of troubles together.. he didn't know that that guy was my only way to run and hide.. he was the only possible way to try to forget him and get over him.. I was faking that wide smile on my face as usual, and I was laughing my fake loud laugh.. but I think it still shows, in front of him.. in front of everybody.. I was hiding it as much as I could.. my tears.. I don't know what does he think now!! He started to speak and convince me that I am still young and pretty and I have my whole life still to fall in love again, he was asking me why I don't like Egyptian guys they are cool, he was swallowing his saliva while talking to me. He was afraid I might get him wrong maybe.. I dunno? I just know I won't get him wrong, I trusted that guy so much. if he wasn't trustworthy why I would've fallen in love with him in the first place?! I know he is good, I know he is perfect, and no matter what, he loves the girl he had chosen and he wants to be with her.. he will never cheat on her.. I just hope she treats him the same way back, I hope so..
I know I've been.. I've been emotionally stupid.. so stupid and silly.. I never learn from my mistakes.. I always put my self in trouble... I'm such a Loser..
I don't know why but, I want to impress him so bad, in our career together, I don't know why but I wanna achieve fast progress in our business together. Maybe to satisfy my pride and achieve my goals.. or maybe because I really love him and I know that will make him happy and I want that thing to work so much only for him.. which is more sacrifice.. which is not bad at all, not bad at all to be in love even one sided love I can still find it amazing and glamorous.. Why not?! I mean Seriously ! why not? At least I am alive I have a beating heart, and I can feel and love with the highest meanings the word love could carry.. the purest meanings of love.. love for the sake of love.. for nothing in return.. not even for love in return.. just nothing at all.. and It still makes me feel happy and satisfied seeing the loved one happy even with a different girl.. I might be able to move on with my life.. actually I will move on, but that person will leave his own foot prints in my heart.. in my life.. I will not lose my smile and sense of humor, it could be the way that will keep me up and alive through bad times.. I will love u forever, not for the end of time... but for always.. I still find u the most breathtaking guy I've ever met.. most loving and generous.. How could I ever forget u? and why? why would I forget such angelic person? I just love u, let me love u.. I want to love u.. don't forbid me.. don't prevent my heart from beating.. keep me alive.. keep me breathing.. Let me love u.. I'm not gonna even bother u.. I'm not gonna hurt u.. I will love u silently, I will enjoy my loud silence.. I will keep it within my soul no body will know I promise.. no body will know who u are.. I will hide it inside me.. I won't even let u know.. u will never know I'm talking about u.. even if u're reading this now, u won't be able to figure out its actually talkin about u.. I won't let u know and I'm happy that way..

Pathetic, isn't it?! My broken heart is yours dear.. all is urs..every little piece of it is urs..

[JBeaucaire]

The only place it is appropriate now to vent those feelings is in your diary. You never wield your "feelings" as weapons on the heads of other committed adults. You don't do it. You are a grown woman with character. If you care for him at all, you will never hurt him by attempting to undo his marriage because of your "feelings." Keep them to yourself from now on.

You never spoke up. He's gone a direction of is own. The lesson here? Nobody will speak for you in the dating world. Speak up, you are worth standing up for.

Now apply that lesson moving forward. Your feelings for him are now a force for evil in the world, useful only for destroying your life and his. Put them away, deep breaths, onto the next GOOD thing.

Next time you are attracted to a boy, tell him. No apologies, no waiting, no "figuring it all out"... none of that nonsense. Walk up to him and BE IN THAT MOMENT.

[tiamokiss]

But I can't... we always meet for our company now! And I am a human, I can't take it anymore.. and no I can't go tell a guy I like Him, I am th girl, the guy is the one who must come and tell me he likes me, I did my oart and showed him in my own ways I do care.. but to ggo and break it to him... Impossible!!

[JBeaucaire]

The only thing impossible is believing the universe will respond nicely to you. It won't. If you aren't in there making your own way, shaking the trees yourself, you'll never get the fresh fruit... only the rotten leftovers.

If you've have no experience telling people how you feel, that's not the same thing as deciding you'll NEVER do it. That's a whole 'nother can of worms. A person does not pre-choose crippling behaviors.

Apparently in this conversation, the only person who believes in you is me. Until you get some oxygen into your lungs and start driving the car yourself, you sound like you've decided to just be a passenger. You're not a passenger. You HAVE to steer this thing yourself.

And I notice you didn't respond to my reminder that your feelings for HIM are now off-limits. This isn't an "I can't do it" issue. It isn't an "I'm not strong enough to deal with seeing him" issue. No, this is a "keep it to yourself or you will rain evil down on his life" issue.

There is NO amount of pain you feel that makes it OK to break up someone else's marriage. None! Your right arm could fall off from the pain and it would still be off-limits.

Your job is a JOB. It's a paycheck. There are millions and millions and millions and MILLIONS of paycheck-giving-jobs on this planet. There is nothing sacred about yours. If you "can't handle it" seeing him, you change jobs. You don't whine, you do it. You only have one life, why waste it in a rut of pain just because it's familiar territory?

You can handle all of this and can make your situation better and can learn from what has happened... all of it... and it sounds like you may do nothing.

You know, some people actually secretly/subconsciously enjoy feeling miserable, they live on the pity pot and find it quite comfortable, familiar. Could this perhaps be you?

[tiamokiss]

Change which Job we are partners, owners of a company! He sent me a message few mints ago asking about business again! He is my friend we meet a lot with other friends!! Damn it, I need 2 disappear so that I can move forward, but meeting him and going out together, or going out to our fav. Coffee hunt! Is hurting me! I am not here asking you to tell me how to stop his marriage I know I won't... I Can !! But I won't... I'm happy for him... because I love him, it's just that all the business issue was a game, created by me to show him I'm intrested, and now that he's gone?! I don't find the point of me continuing with this!

As for telling guys I love them it's not as easy as your thinking dear JB actully it's a matter of culture, for us if a women breaks it to a guy or proposes :S that would look just too odd, and guys might think she's a sl*t... I thou, was very open minded last time and broke it to the guy... tellin him I loved him, but he didn't love me back and I looked like an a*s in front of him, myself and everybody! I don't think I'm ready to get through this scenario again!

[JBeaucaire]

Ok.

[tiamokiss]

Ok.

But your not helping me with that OK! Are you one of the experts?

[JBeaucaire]

You get over things by moving on and putting distance between you and the problem.
You've said, "No, I can't/won't do that."

When working relationships are adversely affected by failed or unrequited love, the best option is to work somewhere else.
You've said, "No, I can't/won't do that."

You clearly think you are trapped. Since that isn't the case, the problem won't be solved by any solution I/we offer, you'll find another good reason to say "No, I can't/won't do that."

Advice isn't always like a supermarket where you can switch from one brand to another if you don't like an idea. Life isn't like that. The problems you are having actually have simple solutions. I've outlined them briefly for you and you've told me "No, I won't do that".

So, whenever someone I try to talk to doesn't want to listen, I admit defeat.

Ok?

[tiamokiss]

Advice isn't always like a supermarket where you can switch from one brand to another if you don't like on idea. Life isn't like that. The problems you are having actually have simple solutions. I've outlined them briefly for you and you've told me "No, I won't do that".

So, whenever someone I try to talk to doesn't want to listen, I admit defeat.

Ok?

That is so harsh by the way! U can't judge me... I said I can't because I literelly can't, and not because I don't want to listen.. If I don't want to listen wouldn't have joined AMHD in the first place... I'm desperate.. I need an expert, are you one?

[JBeaucaire]

Hate to correct you since you're already angry, but you are receiving no judgements from me, yet.

If you are feeling judged, well, I can't help that, that's coming from you, not anything I've said.

Once again you've stated you are trapped in your life. But you're not. You are choosing that stance, and I actually understand why you say it. I don't lack empathy, I do get it.

It's just not entirely true. It's your choice.

As you have depicted seeing this man everyday is, when something in your life is unbearable, you remove it.

The options are clear:

• Change your job (No, I won't do that)
• Keep your job and get rid of him (No, I can't do that)
• Accept the situation and live with it.

What do YOU want to do next?

[tiamokiss]

As you have depicted seeing this man everyday is, when something in your life is unbearable, you remove it.

The options are clear:

• Change your job (No, I won't do that)
• Keep your job and get rid of him (No, I can't do that)
• Accept the situation and live with it.

What do YOU want to do next?

I don't know what I want to do! That's why I'm asking for help :( Tell me how to get rid of him, we are partners in our company we both own the company, I don't know how to end this partnership, he will figure out its because of his engagement, and because I care I really don't want him to notice this !

[Chameleon]

Just my opinion, but if he notices, oh well. Whether you break the partnership or not, he will eventually notice something is way off. I'd rather get out of the situation and begin healing than be arpund him everyday and suffer. Why didn't you ever tel him how you felt? Just take this as experience and next time you feel this way about a man, TELL HIM. There are plenty more men out there, you just have to open your eyes and see.
And as far as the culture comment... I asked my husband to marry me and we've been going strong for 4 years. We even went in and picked out our rings together. This isn't the middle ages anymore, and fate only helps them that help themselves. Unfortunately, men don't know how to read our minds, but then again, if they could, we'd have something new to complain about.

Forgot to add that so what if a man turns you down, shrug your shoulders smile and walk away. Consider it his loss. :)

[talaniman]

How about getting a life , and keeping business separate from your personal life.
If you don't have one build it. You're a great writer, and your building this fantasy world, and feeling sorry for it. Not good, and you need to change your focus from him to you, and accept the business only relationship, and respect yourself, and the boundaries that come with working with an unavailable man.
Stop writing about this great love you have, and how you will suffer in silence for this great love, and start thinking of building a life that you enjoy without him in it.
Only when you love yourself, more than you love him, will you move on, and stop this fantasy journey you are building for yourself, as he has no clue what is going on in your head. Especially in light he didn't pursue you he pursued and got another. Come on and get some reality as dwelling on what ifs, and why nots, and portraying yourself as the "one who should have been" is the stuff of romance novels, and you really need to get of the pity pot your so comfortable with, and be proactive in getting your own life for YOU!

Not trying to be harsh, just want you to see where you are perpetuating this into more than what it should be by mixing business and fantasy, so learn to cope with your own emotions, and focus on something else, and handle your business relationship as a professional. Make yourself happy.

[talaniman]

The others are right in that you need to learn how to express yourself, and deal with the fear of rejection in a more positive way.

[tiamokiss]

why didnt you ever tel him how you felt? just take this as experience and next time you feel this way about a man, TELL HIM.

and as far as the culture comment... i asked my husband to marry me and we've been going strong for 4 years.

Again I don't find this easy in my country, I can give him the green Light, give him hints that I'm intrested, Let me tell you somthin I learned! Most guys are cowards. They are scared to death of hurting our feelings because we all go "emotional on them!. The fact is, if he wants you, and I mean want-you-so-badly-it-hurts, there are no mixed messages. He will move heaven and earth to be with you. If he's not in to you, the only thing he'll move is his thumb: "want 2 come over tonight?"...

So Clearly he wasn't that into me after all, I know what I've done for that guy, Showing up in his concerts, the look full of romance and love in my eyes, how I showed him trust and support all the way long, and finally paying money for his company knowing that this company will not be that successful!! :confused: I mean com' on how that thing was gonna work and I'm more good looking than her thats what ppl told me :( but unfortunately not clever like her.. What u don't know about me is that I'm so innocent, Spontaneous and naive... I'm a Girl, his fiancée although she is younger than me she looks older, acts older.. Bottom Line!! I SUCK!! and I can't do more than what I've done ever I've been hurt before when I said "I Love you" to a guy... I really don't want to get through this again, you don't have an Idea how it feels like to be rejected specially if you were very proud, or in other words snobbish like me, I love myself and don't like to feel rejected, do you think I'm sick?! :'(

[Chameleon]

Actually, I do know what its like to be rejected... by my first serious boyfriend who also happened to be one of my best friends, and also by my ex-fiance. It hurts, but I picked myself up, dusted myself off and went on. If al a man wants from you is a good romp in bed, then don't waste your time with him. And hun, it took my best friend 3 years to ask me out, so no, they won't move heaven and earth... they're just as scared of rejection as we are. How many opportunities are you missing out on because you are too scared to make the move? And my husband didn't think I'm a slut cause I made the move, in fact, it turned him on to me even more because he waned me too, and was scared to make the move. Nobody likes to feel rejection, but it's a part of life... ill elaborate later, but I got to get back to work.

[Chameleon]

Not a problem and I'm from the U.S.

[JBeaucaire]

You don't suck! Be fair with yourself. I know how all of this is hurting, TiamoKiss, but there is no substitute for experience. The things you have learned dealing with this relationship WILL absolutely serve you well in the future. Let that at least encourage you.

If nothing else, understand by reading here on the forum that you are not alone nor unique in your pain. It happens over and over and over to people, so not only is it handle-able, it IS survivable and people succeed through this all the time.

You are a success story just waiting to be told.

[Fr_Chuck]

I have followed this some, it appears the original poster does not want to do anything to change the situation, they are obsessed with the idea of love for a person. This can lead to everything from mental health issues in the cases of a "stalker" to a issue of drepression at some point.

First and foremost they have to stop living in a make believe world, this other person has someone and is not avialable.

I would disagree a lot I guess on what to do, since normally no contact is what really helps, change jobs, if you can't live like this, and it is not right to try and break another couple up, you move on, you move on emotionaly, and to do that you often have to move on physcially.

As for as "expert" yes this is very good expert advice you were gettting the only issue is you have already closed your mind to any answer except to get what you want.

** Boristhdblade, if you have a issue, post it as a new thread and there will be people to help you.

[tiamokiss]

You don't suck! Be fair with yourself. I know how all of this is hurting, TiamoKiss, but there is no substitute for experience. The things you have learned dealing with this relationship WILL absolutely serve you well in the future. Let that at least encourage you.

If nothing else, understand by reading here on the forum that you are not alone nor unique in your pain. It happens over and over and over to people, so not only is it handle-able, it IS survivable and people succeed through this all the time.

You are a success story just waiting to be told.

Thank u JB for all your support, Just be there beside me , I'm scared, I'm terrified I might not be able to move on! I'm trying not to answer his calls now, I will probably disappear.. do you think travelling and leaving the country might help? :(