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sweetlee102 · Jun 6, 2008, 07:27 AM

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Hi everybody! Here is my deal. Yes I worry a lot. I admit it, I get paranoid, jealous, etc. and yes I am getting help, finally. This has been something I have dealt with in all of my relationships, I do have self-esteem problems. So anyway. Now that the beautiful weather is here I worry about what my boyfriend will do with his free time. I work a m-fr 9-5 job and he works 4 days on, 12 hours, and 4 days off, it varies every week, so for the next few weeks is days off are going to fall during the week days and not weekends so I can't spend as much time with him. I worry about whether he will find a girls company during these days. I don't know he has met people online, that is how we met and I worry he will meet new people online of anywhere for that matter. I just don't know and I am worrying about it. What if he is going to spend his free time with a new girl by the pool or something? So far our relationships is going great , its only been 5 months, but a very comfortable 5. I am almost 30 and he is 37 but I just can't help but wonder...

I know this sounds crazy don't think I don't know it, I just don't know how to stop worrying and thinking . I know there is nothing I can do I can't control him , only me but any advice??

starlite1 · Jun 6, 2008, 07:34 AM

Hi Sweetlee,

You sound like me! I have done the same thing in my past relationships. And it drives me crazy, as well as my boyfriends. Over the years I have gotton better (with the help of therapy), but I still catch myself doing it.. I too am verrrrry insecure. And you are correct, we should never control anyone. It is us that we have to control (our low self esteem, jealousy, insecurities). I know I am not being a very good help to you, but you have come to the right place. Everyone is great here, and I'm sure you (and I) will benefit, and get the needed advise and feedback. :)

ISneezeFunny · Jun 6, 2008, 07:45 AM

Keep that under wraps.

My ex was the same way (my ex... previous to... my most recent one).

I used to go to class in the summer, then go to research, then go work at the hospital. I was out the door at 7am... and I came home around 11pm. I came home, and she used to ask me if I ate lunch with any girls and whatnot.

... my response? WOMAN I WAS WORKING ALL FREAKING DAY!

... relax. If he's a good guy, he will be at home counting down the hours until he can see you again.

liz28 · Jun 6, 2008, 07:49 AM

I think its great that you working on yourself but don't cry over milk that has'nt spill yet. Your insecurities can kill this relationship. My ex was this way and it killed our relationship. Have boyfriend/s cheating on you in the past and this is why you feel that way.

Romefalls19 · Jun 6, 2008, 07:55 AM

If he wants to cheat, he's going to. Nothing you can do to stop that, just trust him. He has done nothing to question his trust but work a different schedule. If that little change is going to affect the relationship that much you need to continue the counseling.

starlite1 · Jun 6, 2008, 07:58 AM

Hi Sweetlee,

All great advice! It is so true. Try and keep in check, and take a few steps back and look at everything in the relationship with a clear perspective; has he ever hurt you to warrant you to not trust him? If not, I know, it's the insecurities getting the better of you and your judgement. If you ever feel nervous or apprehensive, talk to him, (but don't ever accuse (not that you do)). Let him know that sometimes your insecurities surface and that is perhaps why you get a little nervous. Let him know that you do realize this, and you are working on helping yourself. I'm sure he will understand, especially if he loves you.

liz28 · Jun 6, 2008, 08:12 AM

Sometimes when you think bad things instead of good the worst happens. Your been together for 5 months and unless he gave some reason behind you thinking this,you should'nt think this way. Have you even talked with him to find out what he plans to do in his spare time?

epiphany · Jun 6, 2008, 08:14 AM

I have had similar insecurities in my past relationships due to cheating issues but my current relationship is teaching me how to handle these.
I work a very normal 9-5, 7 day a week schedule and the guy I am dating does not. His schedule is very crazy, long hours, some times 7 days a week.
He has always been upfront about his work and told me dating would be difficult, but we make it work.. even if it is just that I see him once or twice a week.

It's hard and sure I get insecure BUT what I have learned is that often when people who work long days get free time, they do things they have or want to do AND you must allow this.

Here is an example, I have seen him the last few days but he finally has a weekend free. I may see him or may not.. why? He wants to see his friends he hasn't seen in weeks, has to mow his lawn, wants to golf since he loves it and hasn't been able to once this season, and most of all is exhausted and just wants to sleep. He told me his schedule has made him neglect some things, I was #1 on the list of people he wanted to spend time with so the first free chance he had the last few nights were mine.

I respect all of these things and realize he needs that space and time to relax and rejuvenate. We all do and it's natural. Sure I could let my insecurity demand his time this weekend, but all that would do would cause a fight or have me wind up disappointed when he didn't give it to me.. while he pointed out that he had explained why by telling me all he wanted to accomplish.

When we start questioning, forcing, and cramping that time and space apart is when we start to cling too tightly and start to suffocate things. No one wants to have to explain every second of their day or have to constantly reassure people 24-7.. it isn't natural and it gets old fast.

You need to be confident in things (5 months is still new, my relationship is almost the same time) and still give each other space. Like someone else said if someone will cheat they will no matter what the circumstance, until then trust is what you must give someone. Trusting someone is a huge part of caring abut them, without it the foundation to build on is pretty weak.

starlite1 · Jun 6, 2008, 08:26 AM

Originally Posted by epiphany

I have had similar insecurities in my past relationships due to cheating issues but my current relationship is teaching me how to handle these.
I work a very normal 9-5, 7 day a week schedule and the guy I am dating does not. His schedule is very crazy, long hours, some times 7 days a week.
He has always been upfront about his work and told me dating would be difficult, but we make it work..even if it is just that I see him once or twice a week.

It's hard and sure I get insecure BUT what I have learned is that often when people who work long days get free time, they do things they have or want to do AND you must allow this.

Here is an example, I have seen him the last few days but he finally has a weekend free. I may see him or may not..why? He wants to see his friends he hasn't seen in weeks, has to mow his lawn, wants to golf since he loves it and hasn't been able to once this season, and most of all is exhausted and just wants to sleep. He told me his schedule has made him neglect some things, I was #1 on the list of people he wanted to spend time with so the first free chance he had the last few nights were mine.

I respect all of these things and realize he needs that space and time to relax and rejuvenate. We all do and it's natural. Sure I could let my insecurity demand his time this weekend, but all that would do would cause a fight or have me wind up disappointed when he didn't give it to me..while he pointed out that he had explained why by telling me all he wanted to accomplish.

When we start questioning, forcing, and cramping that time and space apart is when we start to cling too tightly and start to suffocate things. No one wants to have to explain every second of their day or have to constantly reassure people 24-7..it isn't natural and it gets old fast.

You need to be confident in things (5 months is still new, my relationship is almost the same time) and still give each other space. Like someone else said if someone will cheat they will no matter what the circumstance, until then trust is what you must give someone. Trusting someone is a huge part of caring abut them, without it the foundation to build on is pretty weak.

Hi Epiphany,

This is absolutely excellent advise. I am definatley going to try this in my relationship in the future. This is absolutley how I want to be!

Thank You!! :)

sweetlee102 · Jun 6, 2008, 08:31 AM

Originally Posted by starlite1

Hi Epiphany,

This is absolutely excellent advise. I am definatley going to try this in my relationship in the future. This is absolutley how I want to be!!

Thank You!!! :)

I agree, that is wonderful advice and I am glad you are the way you are, that is EXACTLY how I want to act. I just need to keep practicing!! Thank u!

starlite1 · Jun 6, 2008, 08:39 AM

That's it, sweetlee,

Keep thinking positive about yourself. And if you feel like your insecurites are starting to surface, jump on here, and talk with us... get it all out... We are here for you!

epiphany · Jun 6, 2008, 08:47 AM

Trust me I have moments when I still struggle here and there.

What I have found is that often when we think the worst in a relationship, especially without merit, we make it worse in our heads. We create scenarios and will drive ourselves crazy thinking about it and drive our partners away with our insecurities.

Instead you need to find ways to "change the channel" so to speak to put your energy and thought process on to other things, instead of wasting time spinning yourself in circles over the what-ifs that haven't happened.

Also always understand that even if the worse case scenario did happen, you are strong enough to move on.

That's all you can do, that and enjoy the time you do get together.

You have to realize what you are doing when you feel the insecurity spin start in your head, you need to take a deep breath, and lastly take a step back to understand you are usually just doing it to yourself.

It's all about giving each other space to be able to be who you want and need to be, for those people are who found each other and ended up wanting to date. The needy insecure person isn't who you usually were in the beginning and if you're like me certainly not someone you like very much when you become it.