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ylaira · Jun 2, 2008, 03:22 PM

I'm southeast asian. I got a BF for more than a year, online who's 29 yrs my senior. I was very apprehensive at first because of our cultural and age difference but he's always there, he took all the in my head, patiently listens. After a month of pursuing me, I fell in love with him. We're happy for a year then lately, just this last part of April, I noticed the changes in him. He stopped pleasing me & very confident that no matter what he does I'll forgive him (Just to make clear, he didn't do anything major). He establish a reputation of being not a good liar so I know he doesn't have somebody else. He's just busy but seemed to "ignore" half of my calls & texts, became lazy ,complacent, has a heart to leave me (on the date) feeling bad& insensitive to my feelings (always making joke about being on off from me/sharing him with other women).We have been together for over a year so I can tell the difference in his behaviour. Imust admit that I am now a high maintenance GF who requires constant reassurance& lotta loving (He needs constant motivation and patience anyway) I don't at him before if he "messes up" or if we have this usual "women-men or cultural misunderstanding" but I started to be because it became repeatative as if he's deaf and nothing sinks in his head. In return, he becomes more and more insensitive. We've haven't met yet in person due to his current health condition. I asked him if he has plans with me he said "I cannot answer that at this time". What does that mean? Shall I hang on on this fantasy? I need to hear from Western point of view. Thanks!

I'm southeast asian. I got a BF for more than a year, online who's 29 yrs my senior. I was very apprehensive at first because of our cultural and age difference but he's always there, he took all the trash in my head, patiently listens. After a month of pursuing me, I fell in love with him. We're happy for a year then lately, just this last part of April, I noticed the changes in him. He stopped pleasing me & very confident that no matter what he does I'll forgive him (Just to make clear, he didn't do anything major). He establish a reputation of being not a good liar so I know he doesn't have somebody else. He's just busy but seemed to "ignore" half of my calls & texts, became lazy ,complacent, has a heart to leave me (on the date) feeling bad& insensitive to my feelings (always making joke about being on off from me/sharing him with other women).We have been together for over a year so I can tell the difference in his behaviour. Imust admit that I am now a high maintenance GF who requires constant reassurance& lotta loving (He needs constant motivation and patience anyway) I don't nag at him before if he "messes up" or if we have this usual "women-men or cultural misunderstanding" but I started to be because it became repeatative as if he's deaf and nothing sinks in his head. In return, he becomes more and more insensitive. We've haven't met yet in person due to his current health condition. I asked him if he has plans with me he said "I cannot answer that at this time". What does that mean? Shall I hang on on this fantasy? I need to hear from Western point of view. Thanks!

Chery · Jun 2, 2008, 03:36 PM

To put it point-blank. You both have been using each other to escape reality. Now that he is not inclined to cooperate in your fantasy you think you know him and need him as a person. NOPE! He is looking for an out - give it to him and let him go. Don't contact him for a while and see if he actually does respect this relationhsip as it is.

What you need is a new fantasy or it just might be time to look for a real relationship and work on it. You might not like the real world you live in, but unless you have the financial means to re-locate you must accept it and cope with is as best as you can. There is no magic, nobody is going to hold your hand and make life better for you - it's your job.

I live in Germany, and do wish I could financially go back 'home', but since it's not going to happen, I accept this and go on with my life.

Reality check in life can be hard some times, but once you accept it and make the best of it, it's not so hard - no matter where in the world you live.

So, get off the internet and get a real life.

Fr_Chuck · Jun 2, 2008, 04:13 PM

First he may well have a lot more life going on, and often there is a lot of lies invovled online from people. And if you are already having "issues" I doubt a real life situation would be good at all.

ylaira · Jun 2, 2008, 05:08 PM

Yeah expert you're maybe right that I fear the real world. I got acquaintances who met their partners on-line they're now living normally so I guess internet is just my means because I don't like the ordeal of meeting men outside. I don't like rejecting and being rejected. But my question is "If this affair is worth trying for?".Thanks for the responses everyone.

talaniman · Jun 2, 2008, 05:09 PM

I will be honest and say a cyber relationship is a poor substitute for the real thing, but I've never had one. I can see being hooked up, or at least planning to get together via the 'net. But without a face to face very soon, no thanks.

Having said that, I really think within a year some one can make a move to get face to face if not, that's a real red flag, and its just too much hassle.

Some may have success, but caution is a keyword, as you can never tell if it's the honest truth coming from that screen or a bunch of BS.

talaniman · Jun 2, 2008, 05:12 PM

If this affair is worth trying for?".

No as after a year, your no further along than when you started.

Romefalls19 · Jun 2, 2008, 06:12 PM

If you're still stuck in the same place after a year, it's time to see what else is out there

ylaira · Jun 2, 2008, 07:57 PM

He's 54 and unfortunately not in good health at the time we are suppose to meet. We've been together for a year now.

cfloveu · Jun 3, 2008, 10:46 AM

True love takes lot of understanding and patience. You have been with him for a year or so and have been with him all times. Understood him and stood by him. The reason why he avoids you may be varied. Personal, Professional or Family problems (but these could well be discussed with you).
But at the same time you are believing a person who is at a distant place. That which is hard to believe. I too have experienced the same. I too shared such relation with a Thailand Girl and had this relation for 3 1/2 year. But I had never thought that all that what she calls as Love will be a Joke. I got to know about her true colour only when I visited her place after 3 1/2 years. You really can't imagine but I have hurt myself physically every time she said "You can find someone". She said so only because I would question her when her behaviour looks changed or when she hides something from me. But I loved her to the core and was always afraid where I would lose her. But at last she cheated on me.
I wouldn't say the same thing would be happening with you. You guy may be very sincere with you. You just need to wait on the coming days and the way he behaves.

Romefalls19 · Jun 3, 2008, 10:48 AM

Don't hang out to this guy, you have no idea if anything is going to progress so why waste time? It sounds like her isn't making an effort at all, so why should you?

liz28 · Jun 3, 2008, 12:40 PM

My question is only how is your boyfriend if you never meet? You have no clue to how your would interact in person, besides phone or computer, and it seems to be a cyber affair,your need to meet, but how old are you I know u said he was 29, but what your age?

ylaira · Jun 3, 2008, 01:46 PM

Liz28, he's 29 yrs my senior. Im 25, he's 54. Yes, I haven't met him in person, we're planning but its not definite due to his health.Cfloveu, thanks and to all the responses.

Emland · Jun 3, 2008, 01:57 PM

ylaira you are simply a virtual plaything that makes this man think he is young and virile again. What do you expect to gain from this relationship? You say you have been together for a year. How can you "be together" with someone you have never met in person? Find a real man, not someone who wants to play.

ylaira · Jun 3, 2008, 02:20 PM

Originally Posted by cfloveu

True love takes lot of understanding and patience. You have been with him for a year or so and have been with him all times. Understood him and stood by him. The reason why he avoids you may be varied. Personal, Professional or Family problems (but these could well be discussed with you).
But at the same time you are believing a person who is at a distant place. That which is hard to believe. I too have experienced the same. I too shared such relation with a Thailand Girl and had this relation for 3 1/2 year. But i had never thought that all that what she calls as Love will be a Joke. I got to know about her true colour only when i visited her place after 3 1/2 years. You really can't imagine but i have hurt myself physically everytime she said "You can find someone". She said so only because i would question her when her behaviour looks changed or when she hides something from me. But i loved her to the core and was always afraid where i would lose her. But at last she cheated on me.
I wouldn't say the same thing would be happening with you. You guy may be very sincere with you. You just need to wait on the coming days and the way he behaves.

With all fairness to this guy, not because I love him, I knew deep in my heart that he's is sincere (as of this time). Its just sometimes due to distance, culture and mentality, we can't avoid to clash and doubt things. Im now "opening my doors to "some" things because a lot will happen though I still have faith in him.We can't be together if he won't WORK SO HARD on things but I should be busy too. He just thought I'm crowding him (& im getting boring& thrilless I figure out). Well in our culture, the more you have time, the more you show you care! I didn't know that so I'm confused.

ylaira · Jun 3, 2008, 02:26 PM

With all fairness to this guy, not because I love him, I knew deep in my heart that he's is sincere (as of this time). Its just sometimes due to distance, culture and mentality, we can't avoid to clash and doubt things. Im now "opening my doors to "some" things because a lot will happen though I still have faith in him.We can't be together if he won't WORK SO HARD on things but I should be busy too. He just thought I'm crowding him (& I'm getting boring& thrilless I figure out). Well in our culture, the more you have time, the more you show you care! I didn't know that so I'm confused.

Fr_Chuck · Jun 3, 2008, 02:38 PM

Did I mess what culture he is from, since at least here in the US, it is suppose to be that way also. And it is our culture to take time to chat, mail, text message and so on, with the person you care about.

I think you are now making excuses for his poor behavior and either really believe what most of us thinks are lies, or you know they are not, but just don't want to believe it.

liz28 · Jun 3, 2008, 03:10 PM

What are some ways that he was pleasing you, because you said he stop, but just curious to know how if you never meet.

ylaira · Jun 3, 2008, 04:56 PM

Originally Posted by liz28

My question is only how is your boyfriend if you never meet? You have no clue to how your would interact in person, besides phone or computer, and it seems to be a cyber affair,your need to meet, but how old are you I know u said he was 29, but what your age?

He's, 29 yrs my senior: I'm 25,he's 54 and unfortunately not in good health at the time we are suppose to meet. We've been together for a year now.

Fr_Chuck · Jun 3, 2008, 05:17 PM

Several Posts Merged

cfloveu · Jun 4, 2008, 04:33 AM

Yliara, which place are you from? And do you know all about your senior and tried to test them if those are true?