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RG_14 · Jun 1, 2008, 09:32 PM

Sorry for the long post, I suck at condensing things :\

Just to start this off, I just turned 18 and the girl involved is almost 17. She's been involved with this guy a year or so, and I just started being friends with her a couple months ago. Since then we've talked a lot, and she really likes me.

Now since she really likes me, she's told me a little about her boyfriend little by little. So by now I have a picture of him that includes: He is extremely jealous and doesn't want her hanging out with any other guys, gets pissed off and yells if she doesn't answer the phone the first time, leaves angry voice mails, has told her in the past that she's going to end up cheating on him, yells at her for stupid things etc, etc. All abusive qualities, yes?

I just have to ask because I do like her a lot, and so I want to make sure I'm not just being biased here. She admits to also liking me, more than she should. The problem is, she keeps saying she can't break up with him, even if she were to want to, she just can't. I've tried making her aware little by little so as not to upset her, but its not working. She just gets to the point where she says she can't think about it anymore, she admits I'm right, but claims she can't break up with the guy.

I'm really worried about her, because he is definitely way too controlling, and I don't want her being controlled like that. Now we have been getting a lot closer, but we can only do so when he decides to randomly leave and not tell her where he is, because otherwise he'd get angry. Then she says she feels guilty hanging out without him knowing, even though its dumb to have to sneak hanging out with friends.

So... is there anything I can do here? I really like her and know she can do way better for herself. She seems to have gotten very deeply involved in his control. She always defends his poor actions and claims she's used to it. I know it's unhealthy for her... but the question is... how do I help?

Is there any way to help break her free from his control?

JBeaucaire · Jun 1, 2008, 11:01 PM

You can only date her and attempt to protect her if SHE first steps up to the plate. You cannot endanger her by engaging in cheating behavior behind the current b/f's back. She's going to have to break up with him and come to you for help afterward.

If that's what you want her to do, tell her. Then you two do what you have to do, no matter how difficult he makes it.

talaniman · Jun 2, 2008, 07:08 AM

Nothing you can do unless she is willing to change. Don't help her cheat either. Hey dude, if you want a healthy, loving, caring, fun relationship, find a healthy female. She is not.

KalFour · Jun 2, 2008, 07:38 AM

Um... it didn't sound to me like RG is cheating with her guys. A little interest from both sides perhaps, BTU the point here is about her wellbeing!

Unfortunately she has to want to get out of the relationship. Unless she's being physically abused in some way, there's not much that can be done to forcibly get them apart. Try talking to her friends perhaps, about why you're concerned. Encourage her to believe that the relationship shouldn't control her.

But please, for both your sake, don't try to tempt her away by convincing her that she'd be better off with you. She obviously has some insecurites, and if you break up her relationship she'll inevitably blame you for it (and so will her boyfriend). It'd be much better if she sees him as the problem.

Kal

RG_14 · Jun 2, 2008, 09:37 AM

I just wanted to follow up post to say that last night I read through more things on the board and came up with similar conclusions to what you have just told me. So the next time I talk to her I'm going to let her know that I can't be there for her in any way but a friend way. Also highly encourage talking with her boyfriend about the way he treats her. I'll let her know if things change, I'll be there, but until they do I can't sit around and let her do something I know she wouldn't want and would feel bad about.

liz28 · Jun 2, 2008, 11:49 AM

Even if she does leave the b/f for you I'ld still be careful, because now a days you never know what a person might do.

Also, if she does leave him there a chance she want go back to him, at least most females do. In some weird way accept the boy controlling behavior and just take what they get dish out. You just sit back and think "why".

The only way for her to truly broke his bond is to get her mental in check by seeing a counselor and maybe a support group for females who walked in her shoes.

Verbual abuse is serious and can get physical, so even though your not cheating your still sneaking around to spend time with one another so be careful that the b/f don't find out, watch your back. Does her parents know about this?

RG_14 · Jun 2, 2008, 11:54 AM

I definitely get that. It's just of course I'm young and stupid and for a little while there was just kind of going with it. Now I see I really need to tune things down and be smarter about this. This board has done a great job with that. I've let her know we got to be more open and not hide anything, and if that means she can't see me, then she needs to reanalyze her priorities, and maybe make some changes to her life. If she would rather keep her boyfriend than hang out with me, and let him continue to control her, than so be it.

liz28 · Jun 2, 2008, 12:06 PM

It more about her leaving leaving him for herself not for anyone else. When you talk to her don't make he choose between you or him but only for her. You might like her but she needs to get her mind straight so she won't ever let a guy do this again and realize what she deserve.

talaniman · Jun 2, 2008, 12:19 PM

Just recognise that even if she did leave today, I doubt seriously if she would really be ready to deal with another relationship any time soon. She has to heal from the abusive relationship, and then get help with her personal issues. We may be looking at a long time before she clears her baggage up, and be healthy mentally and emotionally.

RG_14 · Jun 2, 2008, 12:41 PM

Good points once again you guys. That actually helps me out because I wasn't sure how to put out what I was saying but now I do. My goal of course is to get her to do this for herself and not for me, and that's been what I've been trying to do. By telling her that she doesn't need that, that she can be comfortable with herself. I've even told her sometimes its good to be single for a while and learn to be happy with yourself. Considering that's what I had to do once I got out of a very serious relationship and was completely screwed over.

So I'm on a much better track now, right? Help her see what situation she's in, let her know that she needs to learn to be happy with herself, and just be there as a friend, but not as a friend that will enable her to do things she'll regret. Put myself last in this picture.

talaniman · Jun 2, 2008, 01:04 PM

Put myself last in this picture.

Never. You do your best to be a good friend because you care, but never put yourself last. As a caring friend, you love yourself enough to do the right thing by yourself and her. Even if that's leaving her alone.

You can lead the horse to water..!

RG_14 · Jun 2, 2008, 01:12 PM

Well I got to say, again you make very good sense. I'm always the person my friends come to for relationship advice/etc, its good to actually have other people to receive advice from once in a while.