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lifesjourney · May 27, 2008, 11:42 AM

Here is a brief story. I am re-married with another child, so now we have two beautiful kids. I have been divorced from my ex-husband for over 5 years. My ex-husband is a recovering addict of heroin, pills etc... Any ways for financial reasons my husband and I want to move from Michigan to Florida. We have not told my ex or son yet. My son has very limited visitation from his dad. Much because of his addictions. My ex went to rehab only because my husband and I confronted the addictions(one week before our wedding). He has slipped up since in the last year. Any ways he pays NO child support and has not fulfilled health insurance for our son( he has paid for the few doctors visits). Mainly because he has not had a full time job or any consistent work for over 7 years. Any ways my son is always with my husband and I and maybe spends every other weekend with his dad. Need to move for better work opportunities and to provide health insurance for our whole family. We also believe it is in my sons best interest.

ScottGem · May 27, 2008, 11:48 AM

Originally Posted by lifesjourney

My son has very limited visitation from his dad. Much because of his addictions.

This is the key. If there is a court ordered visitation schedule in place, then you can't move without court approval. Anything that would prevent your ex from getting his court ordered visitation requires the court to modify it.

Under the circumstances, I doubt if the court would stand in your way, but if you move without court approval you will be in contempt of court and subject to arrest.

startover22 · May 27, 2008, 02:26 PM

And, it sounds as if he may be turning things around. People with addictions slip up, once in a year isn't too bad. You once loved this man, and had his child. In these situations I always want to be sure to say, "put yourself in his shoes"... how would you feel?
Honestly if he does have visitation and is getting off the crap, then he has every right to be in that child's life. Just because (I know I will catch grief here) Just because a man doesn't pay, doesn't mean he doesn't love or want to work on getting it all straight so that one day he could pay and be a good father. Your child will probably agree! You will probably agree, but it is way easier to just move on and not have to deal with the BS! Just know that your partner now is probably a good man and love the kids and you... but there is a man out there loving his son, trying to do right by getting off the drugs, he is still taking it one step at a time, that is a hard thing to over come. I would agree if he is a total deadbeat and doesn't give a crap, then you leave. But from the sound of it, maybe paying you child support is his next step, you should ask him... Good luck!

EDIT:::::::
About not having a fulltime job for over 7 years, well, he was an addict and its hard to keep a job when you are an addict. How has the last year been since he has tried to get off the drugs? Is that when he came up with the money to help with doctor bills?

Fr_Chuck · May 27, 2008, 03:09 PM

Yes, you will just have to convince the court it is in the child's best interst

lifesjourney · May 27, 2008, 07:35 PM

Originally Posted by ScottGem

This is the key. If there is a court ordered visitation schedule in place, then you can't move without court approval. Anything that would prevent your ex from getting his court ordered visitation requires the court to modify it.

Under the circumstances, I doubt if the court would stand in your way, but if you move without court approval you will be in contempt of court and subject to arrest.

We have not had really any dealings with the courts we have been trying to keep this very amicable. We are hoping to keep this out of the courts but do want a notarized agreement. We are willing and want to have my son see his dad twice a year at our own expense. Any more would have to be up to his dad.

startover22 · May 27, 2008, 07:37 PM

What do you think his dad will say? How old is your boy?

lifesjourney · May 27, 2008, 07:55 PM

Originally Posted by startover22

And, it sounds as if he may be turning things around. People with addictions slip up, once in a year isn't too bad. You once loved this man, and had his child. In these situations I always want to be sure to say, "put yourself in his shoes".....how would you feel?
Honestly if he does have visitation and is getting off the crap, then he has every right to be in that childs life. Just because (I know I will catch grief here) Just because a man doesnt pay, doesnt mean he doesnt love or want to work on getting it all straight so that one day he could pay and be a good father. Your child will probably agree! You will probably agree, but it is way easier to just move on and not have to deal with the BS!! Just know that your partner now is probably a good man and love the kids and you...but there is a man out there loving his son, trying to do right by getting off the drugs, he is still taking it one step at a time, that is a hard thing to over come. I would agree if he is a total deadbeat and doesnt give a crap, then you leave. But from the sound of it, maybe paying you child support is his next step, you should ask him.....Good luck!

EDIT:::::::
about not having a fulltime job for over 7 years, well, he was an addict and its hard to keep a job when you are an addict. How has the last year been since he has tried to get off the drugs? Is that when he came up with the money to help with doctor bills?

We are not unsimpithetic to his dads challenges of drug addiction by any means. My new husband and I are the ones who have helped get him in rehab only days before our own wedding. Yes I once cared and loved my sons dad, but I also love my son and want to break the addiction cycle. In the past year he has not even had a job his parents help support him and must be the ones paying our sons medical bills. In the real world addict or not we all have to coupe and work. If we don't have parents to continue to enable us. I want my sons dad to get well and succeed in life but I don't want my son to think there is this fantasy world that his dad shows him. My son is not going to win the lottery and live happily ever after. School and working hard gives you a real life and one to be proud of. I try to put myself in my exs shoes and frankly they sad in and scare me.

My ex and I have been in front of the friend of court and because he has not had steady income they granted us $20 a month! Sorry it is not about the money from him that we want, I would rather when he start working put that $20 to a college fund for our son.

Sorry the one slip up is what he admits to. He has come over to visit and I know(from experience over the years) he was on something. I do not want to give the impression that we are heartless to his feelings, I know this will hurt him,but it is more about what we believe is best for my son and our family. I know he loves our son, that is why we are willing to compermise by sending him to see his dad twice a year.

lifesjourney · May 27, 2008, 08:06 PM

Originally Posted by startover22

What do you think his dad will say? How old is your boy?

I think he will be sad and hurt at first. He doesn't really see our son but maybe and I mean maybe every other weekend and might walk over once a month(he floats from both his mom and dad's houses, one lives half a mile from my house and the other a mile and a half away).He doesn't have his own place or working on getting one. Our son is 7 yrs old,and his dad is 38.

startover22 · May 27, 2008, 08:08 PM

Originally Posted by lifesjourney

We are not unsimpithetic to his dads challenges of drug addiction by any means. My new husband and i are the ones who have helped get him in rehab only days before our own wedding. Yes I once cared and loved my sons dad, but I also love my son and want to break the addiction cycle. In the past year he has not even had a job his parents help support him and must be the ones paying our sons medical bills. In the real world addict or not we all have to coupe and work. If we dont have parents to continue to enable us. I want my sons dad to get well and suceed in life but I dont want my son to think there is this fantasy world that his dad shows him. My son is not going to win the lottery and live happily ever after. School and working hard gives you a real life and one to be proud of. I try to put myself in my exs shoes and frankly they sad in and scare me.

My ex and I have been in front of the friend of court and because he has not had steady income they granted us $20 a month!! Sorry it is not about the money from him that we want, I would rather when he start working put that $20 to a college fund for our son.

Sorry the one slip up is what he admits to. He has come over to visit and I know(from experience over the years) he was on something. I do not want to give the impression that we are heartless to his feelings, I know this will hurt him,but it is more about what we believe is best for my son and our family. I know he loves our son, that is why we are willing to compermise by sending him to see his dad twice a year.

Fair enough. Thank you for taking the time to help me understand the situation better. You are going to do what you have to. I just wanted to point out to you that with your original post, I just got the feeling that he loved his son. And that if you left it may affect all involved more than just making more money and living happily ever after. As you stated you totally know this (I can see that in this post) Thanks for hearing me out. Good luck to you and yours;) I also wish your ex the best as well!

lifesjourney · May 27, 2008, 08:13 PM

I know he loves his son that is why I realize this is going to be very hard!

startover22 · May 27, 2008, 08:52 PM

That I do know. I couldn't imagine. I hope it all works out for you and your son. I don't want to be the "meany" but I feel as if I need to say that when we merge families, this is what happens. We start to think about everyone else and not the "first" family. That is how it seems to work these days. I could tell you that you could find something closer, or that you could get a second job, but now a days no one is willing to take that extra step to keep what is left over together, instead there will be every other excuse in the book as to why this will be good for you and your new family. With that being said, I understand the why's and I understand the whole idea of moving to better yourselves. I really do, I just wish there were another way for that boy and his father to be close as much as possible. Good luck! I hope I didn't offend, this is all just my own opinion!

ScottGem · May 28, 2008, 05:42 AM

Originally Posted by lifesjourney

We have not had really any dealings with the courts we have been trying to keep this very amicable. We are hoping to keep this out of the courts but do want a notarized agreement. We are willing and want to have my son see his dad twice a year at our own expense. Any more would have to be up to his dad.

You aren't listening to me. You don't have a choice. If the visitation was part of the court ordered divorce or custody decree then you HAVE to go back to the court to modify it. A notarized agreement may not protect you (all notarization does is certify the identity of the signators).

I understand your wanting to keep it amicable. If you both can agree to terms, the court is likely to rubber stamp it. But to not go through the courts to modify the agreement is a mistake.