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theratt · May 25, 2008, 10:43 PM

Id like to say hello to everyone on this here site, 1st timer on here, read some stuff on it and decided to turn to it since I feel my buddies will just make fun of me and don't really want to talk to the parents about this kind of stuff.

My ex girlfriend who recently dumped me over a month ago, who I lived with for almost a year has got me going crazy inside. I have lost almost 20 pounds and cannot focus on anything. Nothing is the same to me. For some reason I let her stay the night with me when she comes home from the bars with her friends by the way who are mostly all guys and maybe a few girls. I keep thinking we will get back together, she says she doesn't want anything now, but down the road we can try again. But do I wait for her? What do I do? She has flaws that I don't really want to deal with anymore but she claims she will work on them but shows no signs of improving, and I am bending over backwards for her meeting her every needs right now and we aren't even dating. Even at the end of our relationship the texting was getting so bad we fought constantly over it on why all these guys would be texting so late and when we were trying to have alone time if she could just put the phone down for once or on silent. But Now Everyone I know says cut the ties but its so hard to imagine doing that since I was with her for so long and invested so much with her. She has a ton of guy friends which is fine with me, but too sit and text them for hrs on end in front of me and have them text in the middle of the night is crazy. I know she hasn't done anything with anyone since she's stayed with me since we have split and moved out, which is weird that she is staying at my place at night I am just sitting at home waiting until 2am until she comes home from going out, having fun with her friends, while I do nothing. That's not what I want to be doing but I have no ambition to do anything. I get jealous when I see her textin/postin all these guys walls because everything they send back to her is sexual. I told her to put herself in my situation, I don't know what I can do? I try and give her space but its so hard to not to call her or text her and to take my mind off her. Im always wondering what she's doing, I hope that doesn't make me sound crazy!! Im lost. And gas is too expensive to drive around and clear your head like the good old days:)

Just any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks

jrebel7 · May 25, 2008, 10:58 PM

I am so sorry you are hurting so badly over this girl. From what you say, it sounds as if she is using you. Listen to your friends. They may know more than they are sharing with you, hoping to spare your feelings since you still put some trust in this girl.

Give her space... as much space as you can put between yourself and her... no more texting, no talking on the phone, do not let her stay at your place. Tell her goodbye. Let that be the end of it.

Until you become proactive for yourself, you will be miserable and waiting. There are too many decent, caring people out there just waiting for a trusting, caring person, such as yourself.

I don't say any of this to be short with you or unfeeling. We have all been there in one way or another in our lives. You will receive a lot of good advice on this thread. Read it all, take in as much as you can, you will know the right thing for you to do. Choose well, you have much happiness waiting out there but as I read your situation, the happiness is not going to happen with this girl.

She has moved on and you need to make your decision to move on. It doesn't matter who made the first decision to move on, it only matters what decision for your life you make now. She will want to hang on for awhile because she feels secure with you still caring so deeply for her. I don't mean to imply when you make the choice to move on, that the pain will go away quickly. But when you aren't listening to her phone all the time, knowing she is getting texts or waiting on her to grace you with her presence after she has been out all night, the pain will dissipate sooner than you realize.

Keep us posted on your situation and ask more questions if you feel the need. There are some amazing people with tremendous insight on this site. Just read it all as I suggested then choose well. Best to you!

KalFour · May 25, 2008, 11:37 PM

Hi Theratt,
Sorry to hear what you've been going through. It's never an easy situation to be in.
I know this isn't what you want to hear, but for your own sanity I'd advise you to cut contact with her, at least for a while. Having her around all the time is just going to upset you, especially if she's flaunting her friends at you. You need to do exactly what she's doing, and go out with friends to just relax AWAY from her.
It's very unfair of her to say "down the road we can try again". This is her attempt to leave you hanging, and whether she intends for you to get back together this will give you hope, and potentially stop you from moving on.
I'd suggest that you stop letting her stay at your place. Tell her that if she's no longer with you, she's lost the privileges of being looked after.
You need time and space, relaxation, and distraction.

Take care of yourself,
Kal

jammyb · May 26, 2008, 02:16 AM

Short and sweet...

FINISH IT! Don't talk to her or see her, ever. There are MANY MANY more caring people out there, and she obviously isn't one of them. Sorry to say it, but no contact is theway forward on this one.

Chery · May 26, 2008, 03:09 AM

If you've read the four stickies at the beginning of the Relationships section, you might still want to read them again.

Get up and work on your self-respect. You are being used. Dose that feel good?? NOPE!
We know how much this hurts. We know what you are going through and I suggest that you do the full No Contact.

Change the locks on the door, don't wait up for her and change your phone number. Then, rearrange the furniture and trash all evidence of her. Get new décor for the bathroom, bedroom and anywhere else you spent a lot of time in.
She can go and camp out with her new friends and leave you alone to collect yourself and reflect how good life can be. Remember the goals you set yourself before you met and start over.

Never ever put anyone else in the center of your universe! You are the one that should count in your life, then others can share it with you but only if they have the same values and morals as yourself.

It's a bumpy road back to self-awareness but we will be here to help you. So, now, get to work!

Things will never be the same, we grow and learn from the good and the bad. That's just the way life is so please accept it and move on.

talaniman · May 26, 2008, 05:27 AM

Why are you letting yourself be used in this way, when all you have to do is make her disappear from your life, and rebuild your own. You really need to stand up for yourself, and love yourself a lot more, because she has proven she doesn't, and stop falling for any line she feeds you, knowing its all BS! Stop all contact, and take your life back.

theratt · May 26, 2008, 05:16 PM

I've been working on getting outdoors as of the last few days and clearin my head. I recently decided to turn my phone off when I do things so I don't stare at it all day and try and call or text her, I think it's a start? - the RATT

jrebel7 · May 26, 2008, 05:35 PM

I'm proud of you for making a start toward a better place in your life.

Sometimes, it is just a step at a time and you have made the first one.

Consider this: If she is still coming to your house, this step you are taking will diminish but and you will step backward.

Each of us have to make our own choices and our journeys. The advice you have received here has been good solid advice for your good but sometimes it takes us getting hurt over and over to finally make that decision that has to be made... which is... make the break and don't look back.

But for now, I commend you on taking the first step and we will be here to encourage you along the way even if you just need to vent. Hindsight is 20/20 as they say and some of us have that to share with you. Hang in there and just keep working toward what will give you peace and give you joy in your life. What you are experiencing right now is torture.

Stay in touch and best to you!

theratt · May 28, 2008, 07:22 PM

Today I heard a quote from a good friend.
Don't make someone a prioriety when you're just an option.

It made me think of my situation and made me sit back and think about things. This quote is so true, I don't know if its been brought up on this site before, maybe its been said tons of times but its so simple but so so powerful and straight to the point. I wrote it on a sticky note and hung it up in my room.
- out the ratt

talaniman · May 28, 2008, 07:27 PM

That's a good thing to remember.

theratt · May 28, 2008, 08:04 PM

Here's a problem I'm facing, we are both going to be going to the same club coming up this Saturday. I haven't seen her since Sunday, I don't want to change my plans since I've had these for over a month. Im super nervous to see her. I really have been trying hard not to contact her but its been killing me, she keeps telling me she's not out to find anybody, just to be w/her girls. Just doesn't want a boyfriend. I know I shouldn't care, she claims she just wants to be able to go out and have fun and I know her best, she's not a slut. Thank god. We have now been broken up for 2mnths, she stayed w/me for almost a month afterwards but we didn't have friends w/benefits and then we are where we are at today. I've been working so hard to try and not text and call her like everyone on here said to. Maybe she'd miss me, and she even said I've bothered her so much I don't give her enough space to let her miss me. I feel like I've taken a step forward with not having her stay the night and a huge step back with still textin and calling her, but its been so hard. When I think about not talking to her my heart feels like its going to pound out of my chest.

ajhastings88 · May 28, 2008, 08:18 PM

I am there with you, DUDE, go to that club, Look as damn good as can be, and try your hardest to pay no attention to her, even if you have to bring one of you hottest home girls with you, as your officer. Look I can already see it, you going to get through this in no time, forget her. If she can't see what she is losing she never knew what she had in the beginning. Her loss your gain. I walways tell myself, there is a girl out there that is 10 times better than my ex, who would love me and care for me just as I do for them. Dotn get hung up on this chick, move on. I am doing and loving the way it feels. Yea sometimes I miss her, but I always say, her loss. One day ( Maybe ) She is going to wake up after being out one night and realize were her life is going, and what she has lost. You're a great guy, and you deserve someone who can appreciate that.

jrebel7 · May 28, 2008, 09:17 PM

Originally Posted by theratt

Heres a problem im facing, we are both gonna be going to the same club coming up this saturday. I havent seen her since sunday, i dont want to change my plans since ive had these for over a month. Im super nervous to see her. i really have been trying hard not to contact her but its been killin me, she keeps tellin me shes not out to find anybody, just to be w/her girls. Just doesnt want a boyfriend. I know i shouldnt care, she claims she just wants to be able to go out and have fun and i know her best, shes not a slut. thank god. we have now been broken up for 2mnths, she stayed w/me for almost a month afterwards but we didnt have friends w/benefits and then we are where we are at today. ive been workin so hard to try and not text and call her like everyone on here said to. maybe she'd miss me, and she even said ive bothered her so much i dont give her enough space to let her miss me. i feel like ive taken a step foward with not having her stay the night and a huge step back with still textin and calling her, but its been so hard. when i think about not talkin to her my heart feels like its gonna pound out of my chest.

This is a dilemma that only you will be able to know if you are strong enough at this point emotionally to handle. I initially want to say, "You have had the plans for a long time (are they with a party of people or just planned to go with a few close friends, including her???) so if you need a date to make you have a little more confidence so that you won't just fall all over this girl, then get a date but make sure it is not someone who thinks of you as a love or date interest. Be fair, just tell the girl you need a nice date to help you through a difficult night (don't ask someone who knows your ex girlfriend or might share with anyone. That would be disaster. Usually a guy has a gal friend they have had over the years that they can depend on in situations like this and vise versa.) But just be honest if you ask another girl. Do you have a group of guys you can hang with rather than taking a date? In either case, just make a commitment to yourself that when you walk in the room, you will walk in with head held high and confident, don't ignore her, just speak to her like (Hey, how ya doin'?) then move on. Even one sentence of "you look nice tonight" would not be totally out of line considering your past and would show you were not trying to be Mr. Cool but are just "over her". (I KNOW, I KNOW, YOU AREN'T BUT YOU WILL BE!! ;)

Enjoy your evening, don't track her with your eyes. She will be watching to see if you do. If you do, just one more nail for her to know she still has you. I know it sounds like game playing but you need to get through the night and knowing you can be a confident person and worthy to be loved by someone who would appreciate you, is not game playing.

If this seems to stressful to pull it off, get a date or make plans with guys and just go somewhere else. Don't sit at home missing her. She may wonder where you are but if you go be prepared, she may come with a date. :eek: I just don't want you to be knocked over by anything unexpected when and if you go. You don't give enough detail of the event to give real concise advice but others will be on to help later. Best to you! :)

theratt · May 28, 2008, 10:32 PM

Here's some more info on the upcoming night: Sorry I'm meeting up with 2 girls, that happen to be very attractive if that matters. She knows I've been friends with them but has never really formally met them. Its usually a dance club but that night its being used for a concert, that's why Ill be going. She's going with a group of friends that I know. When the concert is over at 12 or later they'll play club music and that's when I book, I don't dance. She doesn't dance w/ guys just her girl friends but if she decides that Saturday night is her night to start doing that in front of me I don't want to be there. I'm going there to meet up with the 2 girls I promised over a month ago to see the concert and then ill leave and maybe head somewhere else. If I'm near my ex though I will say hello and talk to her and her friends but keep it short and sweet and keep on truckin.

-ratt

jrebel7 · May 28, 2008, 11:41 PM

Originally Posted by theratt

heres some more info on the upcoming night: Sorry im meeting up with 2 girls, that happen to be very attractive if that matters. She knows ive been friends with them but has never really formally met them. Its usually a dance club but that night its being used for a concert, thats why Ill be going. shes going with a group of friends that i know. when the concert is over at 12 or later theyll play club music and thats when i book, i dont dance. she doesnt dance w/ guys just her girl friends but if she decides that saturday night is her night to start doing that in front of me i dont want to be there. im going there to meet up with the 2 girls i promised over a month ago to see the concert and then ill leave and maybe head somewhere else. if im near my ex though i will say hello and talk to her and her friends but keep it short and sweet and keep on truckin.

-ratt

Sounds like a good plan! :p You've got your thinking cap on and seem to be going in a good direction. Just 2 cents worth, I wouldn't spend much time visiting with her, as you say, short and sweet and movin' on!! Keep us posted and let us know. Keep your confidence up knowing there are many out there who would treasure you if given the opportunity! May just be around the corner! Best to you! :)

hjpan · May 29, 2008, 04:05 AM

Kick her out of the place?

guttedone · May 29, 2008, 08:16 AM

Ok what you are feeling now absolutely sucks, I know as I've been there a lot of times!!

Here's how you cope.. . Basically from now on you are going to concentrate on your life and not hers, get out and about and do things that interest you and also join a gym or start martial arts or something like that. You will meet another girl that will love you trust me, however you aren't going to do that if you wallow in self pity and look depressed all the time. Enjoy your life!! You only live once and she really isn't worth wasting your time!!

Go out and find some fit girls and have a good time. You'll forget about your ex before you know it!

She dumped you respect her decision and don't think about her again!

mmmbopdoodle · May 29, 2008, 08:34 AM

I used to be just like her, I have a lot of guy friends and I texted them for hours at a time and when my boyfriend asked me to put my phone down, as much as I dreaded it I would agree. I did these things because he wasn't making me feel wanted. I would post comments to my guy friends and I told them I loved them all the time, because my boyfriend wasn't making me feel wanted. It was my way of dropping hints.

We broke up, and got back together a little while later. Now we are great and have big plans. We are getting married in a couple of years. I have straightened up a lot since he's shown some effort to work things out with me now. Don't get me wrong I'd never cheat on him and never thought about it, there may be different circumstances with her. But he was a mess just like you and I acted almost exaclty the way she did/is toward you.

If she's asked you to improve on something show some effort, make her feel wanted. And don't let her walk all over you. It really does sound like she's using you. It's a big turn-off for me if a guy does every little thing I ask him, I think its very intruiging when a man can put his foot down once in a while.

Try to move forward.Even if it is temporary. Keep yourself busy. Show her you're doing something for yourself and maybe she'll open her eyes. If she really loves you she'll come back eventually. Don't suffocate her.