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aj0269 · Mar 1, 2006, 09:49 AM

Hi.. I am looking for some advice on what path to take in my life right now. I am 27 married and have a 1 year old little girl with my husband. I recently found out that he cheated on me when he was deployed to Japan. When I found out at first he said that they were just friends and that's all, but he lied to me about this, the whole time he was deployed for 8months. Just the other day I found the secret email he has been still contacting her through. She was wondering why she had not heard from him for 2 weeks, and she was wondering if she had been "dropped on her ***". She knows that he is married and has a child but she still wants him. According to the emails.. she thinks that we are getting a divorce. I thought everything has been going great with my husband, he has been very loving and we have been getting along great. Then yesterday he finally contacted her through the email and said that he loves her and never would forget about her. He misses her a ton and can't wait to see her when he goes back to Japan in June.
He is still lying to me! I have not said a thing that I know about the email, because I feel like he will change the password on it or find another way to contact her. Help!! I am not sure if he will ever be truthful to me and stop lying?? Also I love him and wish he would stop being a jackass and come to his senses.
Any advice would be great...

Sincerely,
Sad and condused

NeedKarma · Mar 1, 2006, 09:55 AM

Email her from your husband's account (as him) and tell her that she is boring and fat and you never want to hear from her again. Also mention that you (him) "have rediscovered the love of my wife and meeting you was a big mistake".
There, that should settle a few things.

fredg · Mar 1, 2006, 10:03 AM

Hi,
If your husband is really going back to Japan, then I would confront him with what you know. If he is willing, both of you need to go to a Professional Marriage counselor and try redeeming your marriage.
If he won't go, then you have some decisions to make. Either live with things as they are, or see a lawyer for Separation Papers, or whatever. He might just "come to his senses" if he thinks he will be paying child support for many years.
I was divorced when I was 31 yrs old, after 7 years of marriage, with two small children. It wasn't "fun" by any means, but now have remarried for 29 yrs.
I am sorry to hear about this, but unfortunately, if he doesn't want to make an effort with the marriage, you will have done all you can. If it's not the same person in Japan when he goes back, he may very well find someone else.
I do wish you the best of luck, and hope it works out OK for you both.

Fr_Chuck · Mar 1, 2006, 06:44 PM

First may I ask why you did not go with him to Japan, military spouses are allowed to go there. Unlike some stations.

Being apart is never good on a relationshiop.

So do you want to try to make it work, or do you want to tell him to hit the pavement? That is the first choice,

If you want to make it work, schedule marriage counseling and have him go with you. If he won't go, he does not want to make it work.

Obviously he is lying to you and to this girl also. ( normal for a man who wants both relationships)

CaptainForest · Mar 1, 2006, 08:58 PM

The man was alone for 8 months in a foreign country without his wife…he want some companionship.

That doesn't make his actions right though.

I like NeedKarma's advice.

That being said, it won't stop him from finding some other girl once he goes back there. You need to confront him, go to counselling together. Perhaps you can go with him to Japan or he can get stationed somewhere else in the USA (assuming you are from the USA).

aj0269 · Mar 2, 2006, 01:03 PM

He was deployed to Japan for 8 months. I went to visit when he had some time off for 2 weeks.. but usually when they are deployed they are very busy.. during the week anyway.. We are going to marriage counseling. We have been 2 times already. He still is not telling me the truth. I love my husband and for some crazy reason want to stay with him, but he needs to come clean and stop being a jackass. I am seriously taking into consideration emailing the girl and telling her to go find another man because according to my husband we are staying married!

CaptainForest · Mar 2, 2006, 03:03 PM

You say he is having troubles coming clean. Then why not confront him with this information directly?

Fr_Chuck · Mar 2, 2006, 03:53 PM

Talk to the counselor, in private, let them know what you know from the emails. Ask if they believe both joint and indivdual counseling would help.
He may be afraid to admit it now, thinking that you don't know, lying will merely solve the problem.

If you can forgive him for what he did, and he is going to counseling I would say he is sorry and is trying to work it out.

It oftens takes months and months of counseling to make any good headway.

Next busy or not, a wife's place is were her husband is, if he is going to be carrerr military, you go where he goes every time if at all possible.

In places over seas there are lines of girls at bars, and everywhere soldiers go just trying to hook up with one ( trying to get married and citizenship, or merely trying to get them to send them money)

aj0269 · Mar 2, 2006, 04:49 PM

I think he is trying to work it out with me.. We went out of town together last weekend without our 1 year old for the first time, we are getting along great at home and we are going to counseling. He did not email her for 2 weeks and she was sending him emails like "where are you??" and "I felt like I have been dropped on my ***" Then he responded to her on 2-11 and said that he needs her in his life, he loves her then just this past Monday he put he can't stop thinking about her and he would never forget about her. Then he referred to himself as her boyfriend. This was after our great weekend together.? I am so confused. I really do not know what he wants

NeedKarma · Mar 2, 2006, 05:04 PM

Does he check your email too?

aj0269 · Mar 2, 2006, 08:31 PM

Yes to one email.. but since this stuff stated happening.. I opened up a private email.

aj0269 · Mar 3, 2006, 07:50 AM

He might occasionally check my email that he knows about... but since I found out about all the shenanagans.. I started a secret email.

cowgirlupmay23 · Mar 7, 2006, 08:09 AM

Get rid of him. Your daughter deserves better!

cowgirlupmay23 · Mar 7, 2006, 08:11 AM

He is obviously playing with your emotions and head. I'm sure you can do better than allowing your daughter to grow up in a BAD situation like that. Even though she is only 1, you both deserve better.

colbtech · Mar 7, 2006, 08:21 AM

I'd be inclined to move on. It will be difficult, single mother 1yo baby is going to be no fun.

I have strayed and so did my last wife, we both took each other for granted, hardly talked. In the end we kind of tolerated each other.

Relationships must be worked at:

If one of you gives and the other takes, it is an unfair relationship.

If you both take eventually nothing is left.

BUT:

If you both give to the relationship it becomes stronger!

Just my point of view. Hope it works out.

Catseyes · Mar 7, 2006, 03:21 PM

I am married and my husband and I share everything: we consider it is better to talk and let the other know how one feels, so that things can get worked out, instead of getting worse.

Based on your posts, your man seems to want everything : after your getaway, he still emails the other telling her he loves her.
You should do something, otherwise it will continue ( with ths girl, or another one later).
You could test him by saying : " how about I come with you in Japan ? you really must feel lonely there alone "
If you do not choose to confront him, maybe you could try the following :
Using your own email address, you could also conatct the girl and tell her you know everything : your husband confessed and is sorry. No, you are not getting a divorce, because you love each other. You enjoyed a wonderful lovebirds weekend together .....
You can be sure she will write to your husband about it, so you will know what he thinks about that. Plus he will probably feel like an idiot realizing you knew.

To protect yourself, I would say you should print some of his and her emails : if your relationship does not get better and ends in a divorce, proof of adultery is a good point for you.

I truly hope you'll find a solution that is best for you, him and your child.

chipster61 · Mar 29, 2006, 03:30 PM

What does he want?? He wants to have his cake and eat it too. He is using her as a distraction. Of course that is neither acceptable to you or her. So he's trying to make the best of both worlds playing his game of deceit with you and the "other woman". As long as he can get away with it, he will because you let him do so.. You must decide if this is something you are willing to accept or not.

I would definitely mention to the counselor about the emails and see what course of action is suggested. He will turn the tables on you no doubt when he finds out you've been reading his emails. But that is no excuse. Don't let him put you on the defensive side of things.

The bottom line is what are you willing to put up with and once he knows you know. What does he wish to do? I can go on but will wait to see what has happened since your last post.

Jenny429 · Apr 2, 2006, 09:40 AM

WOW! Definitely having his cake and eating it too.. I would Definitely make sure you print those emails so you have the hard copy, and the make a copy.. and give him a copy when you do come out with it.

You mentioned if you tell him your afraid he's going to change his password. I think you both are up to shananigans and that you both feel it's OK to keep things from each other.. Why would you start another email address if you have nothing to hide? And why SHOULD he change his password if he's going to end the relationship? ANd if he he's not going to end the relationship will you stay with him?

I don't care if my husband was sent over to Japan and I saw him 2 hours a day, it would be better then not seeing him for 8 months.. And he obviously has a lot of time.. He has this woman that he found.

I would email her too from his email, saying that he just used her for sex while away from his wife, and that he's not coming back in June so he'll stop using her now.. haha..

How can you live a life like this? Knowing what he's doing and still be able to hide it? You've got some skill.. I could never do it! I've been in the shoes of being cheated on.. but when I figured it out, I went running to him with the proof in the hand and demanding if he wanted me he needed to end it all. I made a lot of "changes" that he had to keep if he wanted me.. I didn't want to beg anyone to stay with me.. I was ready to be a single mom of FOUR kids (newborn included) if it meant he couldn't give me the peace of mind to know it was over between them two.

He has a responsibility to you, and you need closure it's over..

If I were you I wouldn't let him go for months at a time.. I think him seeking someone else was partially your fault too for not standing up for your husband to begin with. Goodluck!

ahuvakapon · Apr 2, 2006, 11:43 AM

Well,
I would say some people can be trusted across the globe, and others can't be, even 1" away. Every one make a mistake, sometimes you're lonely, long for your dear ones , etc. whatever.
BUT: other people want the best of ALL wolrds (FOR THEMSELVES), and are truly and fully committed ONLY to themselves.
If someone makes a mistake, admits it, comes clean, cuts oneself away from that sidepath - that's one thing. But if your husband goes with you to counselling and to great a great weekend and keeps telling (separately) he's truly involved to both sides? I think you should reconsider the place you have in his life (and in his heart) and see if he's giving you the same thing you're willing to give him.
Please try to see yourself 20-30 years from now, and consider if you're willing to look back at a long unhappy life.
Are you ready to this kind of compromise?
I think you owe you to yourself to have prints of those letters, and to reconsider what kind of life you think you deserve, and if you think you're going to have it with him.
I would consult the counsellor privately before taking any action - because this person has met both of you.
Good luck,
Ahuva

talaniman · Apr 2, 2006, 03:10 PM

Originally Posted by NeedKarma

Email her from your husband's account (as him) and tell her that she is boring and fat and you never want to hear from her again. Also mention that you (him) "have rediscovered the love of my wife and meeting you was a big mistake".
There, that should settle a few things.

You may wear a tie but you have a devious mind Need! Having said that this husband deserves to be put on front street because cheating is a very bad offense to marriage and should not be tolerated for any reason.There is no excuse. :cool: :eek: