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kksmom1982 · May 22, 2008, 05:33 PM

I have no one else I feel that I can ask. I have been married for 2 1/2 years and with him a total of 4. I feel that he is always pressuring me to have sex and 95% of the time it has to be with anal. I do not like it very much, but if I tell him I don't want to he just says that he is a "butt man and if I wont do it he will find someone who will." So pretty much I am guilted into it! So lately I have not been wanting to have sex at all, but I go through the motions just to make him tolerable otherwise he is verbally abusive and unreasonable. I have asked him to just lay off some and told him I don't like to be pressured but he tells me I need to just shut up and give in more. I am tired of all of the fighting. I have been in counselling for about 4 months and on antidepressants too. I am losing the love I have for him. Should I just give in more even though on average we have sex 3 or 4 times a week?

Fr_Chuck · May 22, 2008, 05:36 PM

If both couples want and enjoy anal, then by all means that is their thing, but only and only if both agree. If you don't want to, he has no resepct for you at all.

NEver , ever, ever have sex or do anything you don't want to.

danielnoahsmommy · May 22, 2008, 05:48 PM

You have to be strong with a person like this. He apparently only wants what he wants. If you dislike it then don't do it. Don't back down. It appears it is a control thing and he wants you to be submissive. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with a man like this?

bsoliveras · May 22, 2008, 05:53 PM

Don't let him take control over you. Even though your married that does not mean that you have to feel like you owe this to him. You don't! He needs to respect you and if he can't do that then maybe you have a lot of thinking to do between yalls marriage. Maybe there needs to be some sort of agreement between the both of you. Good luck! Best wishes to your marriage!

Xrayman · May 22, 2008, 06:04 PM

I think HE needs the counselling for his fetish that you don't like. How about you ask him to submit to you while you do him with a strap-on? To me he is trying to make you his submissive and you need to say "NO not until I WANT IT".

Until he stops pestering you and YOU want it, then it will be your way or the highway for him.

If it continues, you may have to consider talking first then threatening divorce, thenif still no good then divorce him altogether.

I fear that he is too controlling and may go a little too posessive-watch him...

JoeCanada76 · May 22, 2008, 06:10 PM

Time to possibly think about divorce. If he is pressuring you and talking to that way. Has he been in counseling as well? If not, maybe he should. Do not give in. My feeling is to get a divorce and break free as soon as possible or he will be even more controlling down the road. I do not like advocating divorce until there is some form of counseling and seeing if things change with the help of counseling. If not, then It is time to get a divorce. Being obsessed with anal sex is twisted and gay in my opinion.

kksmom1982 · May 22, 2008, 06:42 PM

I have been in counseling by myself. The rest of the story is he was 25 and a virgin when I met him. He had watched a lot of porn and he got rid of it when we were serious. For the first year he respected me. Then we split up for six months because he went back to using drugs. Then we got back together after he claimed he was sober. Well of course he is not, but not hardcore just pot. I have asked him repeatedly to get help and I am not the type of person to give up easily. But in my mind sometimes it feels as if he is raping me. And I have been down that road in the past. He refuses help on one hand he says nothing is wrong with him and on the other hand he says he is broke and can't be fixed.

JoeCanada76 · May 22, 2008, 06:46 PM

You can not fix him. The only one that can fix him is himself. You can be supportive if you want, but you yourself said that you feel like he is raping you.

That is a strong statement.

kksmom1982 · May 22, 2008, 06:49 PM

Thank you.

Choux · May 22, 2008, 09:39 PM

Mental and physical abuse, girl... I know you are boiling inside, but you are all sugar and spice on the outside. This emotional situation is the breeding ground for mental illness.

No matter how afraid you are about being alone, you have to get rid of him.

kksmom1982 · May 22, 2008, 09:49 PM

Thank you choux. Are u familiar with the term gaslighting? I just realized he has been doing this our entire relationship!! 1

Choux · May 22, 2008, 09:54 PM

Yes, Ingred Bergman movie in the 1940's. Cary Grant saving her from the clutches of Charles Boyer!!

Got to get away from your tormentor... :)

couse01 · May 22, 2008, 10:16 PM

I have been married 25 years and I did not get this far by giving in especially to sex. Sex is not the be all and end all of a marriage. Sex is only part of the marriage alongside trust, compassion, courtesy, love and respect. You have choices - if your husband does not respect your choice then he does not respect OR deserve you. When you get married you expect to spend the rest of your life with this person - Be honest with yourself "Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him giving in and giving anal 3-4 times a week? If not then nip it in the bud now before it is too late. If you keep giving in he is going to expect it all the time not just 95% of the time just to save the peace. This maybe be blunt but sometimes you have to be to get the message across.

smoothy · Jun 2, 2008, 12:03 PM

Originally Posted by kksmom1982

I have no one else I feel that I can ask. I have been married for 2 1/2 years and with him a total of 4. I feel that he is always pressuring me to have sex and 95% of the time it has to be with anal. I do not like it very much, but if I tell him I dont want to he just says that he is a "butt man and if I wont do it he will find someone who will." So pretty much I am guilted into it! So lately I have not been wanting to have sex at all, but I go through the motions just to make him tolerable otherwise he is verbally abusive and unreasonable. I have asked him to just lay off some and told him I dont like to be pressured but he tells me I need to just shut up and give in more. I am tired of all of the fighting. I have been in counselling for about 4 months and on antidepressants too. I am losing the love I have for him. Should I just give in more even though on average we have sex 3 or 4 times a week?

First let me say his comments and abuse were just plain wrong. Period end of story.

Beyond that it can be a very pleasurible act for both parties. You just have to be oppen to it and relaxed. But it seems he is into more of a control aspect and you are into a more tender type of encounter.

You are going through the counseling. Keep it up. Try to focus in on yourself. It can be extremely pleasurible so try to focus in on that than on I don't want to do it therefore I won't enjoy it. This early into your marriage you haven't yet reconciled on the fact you are both married... Not just you, but him too. He still has a ME atitude rather than an US atitude. You have it to a much lesser degree as well.

He has to be more willing to do other things that you like as well if you are going to get beyond this power struggle you both are obviously having. You are making an attempt except you are saying and thinking to yourself. "I'll do this but I'm not going to enjoy it". Try to make the most of it and because it feels good to you. You have to have the right mindset. I'm saying this not because because I think he is right because I don't. As you describe it he is using all the wrong approaches. But in the spirit that you should seek to make the most of a situation rather than deprive yourself of that opportunity.

Hopefully he is attending these sessions as well because this should be approached as a couple. In that way you can explore with each other what the other sees and thinks. Marriage is a couple coming together... not two individuals doing only what they want.

Biscman · Jun 8, 2008, 01:11 PM

Tell him you would like to try "Anal" sex with him. But this time you be the "giver" and let him be the receiver!
Borrow a vibrator and see how he likes it

Synnen · Jun 8, 2008, 07:51 PM

Originally Posted by Biscman

Tell him you would like to try "Anal" sex with him. but this time you be the "giver" and let him be the receiver!!
Borrow a vibrator and see how he likes it

Except don't "borrow" a vibrator. I mean---EWWWWWW!

Try just buying one instead.

Reecie · Jun 22, 2008, 06:43 PM

Originally Posted by kksmom1982

I have no one else I feel that I can ask. I have been married for 2 1/2 years and with him a total of 4. I feel that he is always pressuring me to have sex and 95% of the time it has to be with anal. I do not like it very much, but if I tell him I dont want to he just says that he is a "butt man and if I wont do it he will find someone who will." So pretty much I am guilted into it! So lately I have not been wanting to have sex at all, but I go through the motions just to make him tolerable otherwise he is verbally abusive and unreasonable. I have asked him to just lay off some and told him I dont like to be pressured but he tells me I need to just shut up and give in more. I am tired of all of the fighting. I have been in counselling for about 4 months and on antidepressants too. I am losing the love I have for him. Should I just give in more even though on average we have sex 3 or 4 times a week?

You need to leave this character. That was the only thing my husband wanted at all. So help me. I think these men are gay. Tell him to go find himself a gay partner. Just take a good look at him. I'll bet you see gay tendencacies. I am still with this gay. Don't ask me why. He says he is not gay but I just don't believe it. There was nothing else I could do. I had been married before and I did not want that. You are crazy if you let him continue on with what he's asking you to do. Tell him to find himself a man. I'll bet he will be delighted to find a man because I am convinced these mena are gay. Get out of this if you are young enough. The only sex he wanted when we ot married was what you were talking about. When I put a stop to that that was the end of our sex life, not that we had one to begin with. I would give anything had I left him. I am positive he is gay. Just watch his reactions to gays. If they act like they cannot tolorate them and they make a big thing out of it, it has been proven that men who have gay tendencies are the very ones who act like they think it's awful to be gay. I will guarantee my husband's son is also gay. Maybe it runs in families. Sorry but I think you are married to a gay. Tell him to go stick it in someone else.

Reecie · Jun 22, 2008, 06:48 PM

He is gay. Leave him now. He will never admit it but the man is gay. Reecie

Synnen · Jun 22, 2008, 09:42 PM

From what I understand, there is a difference in the feeling for men between vaginal and anal sex. Anal sex, I hear, is much tighter, giving a man more sensation.

Some guys like boobs, some guys like receiving oral sex, some guys like dressing up in Tarzan costumes.

Just because he likes anal does NOT mean that he is gay. Being attracted to men only means that he's gay.

However... if his preferred sexual encounter is something you don't like, and he's unwilling to return the favor (in other words, do something that YOU like and he doesn't) then there's a problem.

If that's the case, I'd recommend couples or sex therapy, and if that doesn't work (or neither of you are willing to try it), THEN I would suggest leaving the relationship, if only for the fact that neither person will ever be truly happy because there is no give and take, and no trying to please the other person as well as yourself.

smoothy · Jun 23, 2008, 05:03 AM

Originally Posted by Reecie

You need to leave this character. That was the only thing my husband wanted at all. So help me. I think these men are gay. Tell him to go find himself a gay partner. Just take a good look at him. I'll bet you see gay tendencacies. I am still with this gay. Don't ask me why. He says he is not gay but I just don't believe it. There was nothing else I could do. I had been married before and I did not want that. You are crazy if you let him continue on with what he's asking you to do. Tell him to find himself a man. I'll bet he will be delighted to find a man because I am convinced these mena are gay. Get out of this if you are young enough. The only sex he wanted when we ot married was what you were talking about. When I put a stop to that that was the end of our sex life, not that we had one to begin with. I would give anything had I left him. I am positive he is gay. Just watch his reactions to gays. If they act like they cannot tolorate them and they make a big thing out of it, it has been proven that men who have gay tendencies are the very ones who act like they think it's awful to be gay. I will guarantee my husband's son is also gay. Maybe it runs in families. Sorry but I think you are married to a gay. Tell him to go stick it in someone else.

Since when does liking anal sex make anyone gay. Many of the women I dated have loved it (really loved it) and yes I loved giving it to them. Just because you have an unusual problem with it points to you having the problem and not him. Its one thing to say I tried it a few times and its not for me, and its totally another to have your sort of reaction.

You are entitled to say its not for me, not to make such pointless accusations towards another because they like it.