[want_to_know]

I came to this site because I wanted to seek guidance in how I should handle various situations in a manner that is pleasing to Allah. I need to speak with someone who is very good in dealing with relationships about my marriage. I feel more comfortable discussing here than with people closest to me because I do not want anyone to judge my husband and create anymore problems than I am already having. But I need to talk with someone soon because holding it inside is eating away at me emotionally. Inshallah there is someone here could offer advice pertaining to the guidelines of our religion. I posted it this way because I need advice on more than one question I need to converse with someone.

Want_to_know

[talaniman]

This site is anonymous, and there are some good people here.

[want_to_know]

Ok fine he goes nothing it just so many things going wrong I don't know where to start. He hasn't ever cheated on me so I guess that is good. But my husband has a way of making me feel low. Not wanted, Not loved. I totally in love with him as I should be but I'm really confused about his feelings towards me. Believe me I have asked him. Anytime I ask he a question it turns into a agruement and then it gets to name calling. So now I feel I can't even talk to him because it will just end up in a problem. If he gets upset and says he doesn't want to talk right now. I will leave him alone for a while and then try to talk to resolve the issue so I can feel OK but he'll say forget about it. Everythings either not right now or forget about it basically suck it up. This is just one problem What should I do? We can start here since communication is the key. I can't even communicate with this man. I want to work this out because I do strongly believe in marriage. He says he loves me but I don't feel it because why would he hurt me like this. Talaniman I am depressed and that's not even the half of it. What should I do, Anybody?

[savedsinner7]

I highly recommend the book Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. He addresses the differences in the way that men and women think and respond to each other. This book has helped our marriage greatly. I found that when my husband would say or do something that I thought was unloving, I would automatically act disrespectful without even realizing that he took my words and actions as disrespectful! Often, the problems in our communication that led to hurt and angry feelings and words was just misunderstanding in what the other person meant! Now I try to be very careful of how I say things to him, because I know that certain things are considered by him to be disrespectful, even if I don't mean for them to be.

[want_to_know]

I will look into that book! Thanks for your help. But I try to watch watch I say but he is defensive about everything I mean everything. I've asked things nicely I've rephrased things to sound better to avoid agruement but it seems as if he's super sensitive I don't Know

[savedsinner7]

One thing I do that helps, if I think my husband starts acting unloving is to ask if I just said something that was disrespectful to him. It makes everyone stop and think and then when emotions are cooled, discussion can follow!

[talaniman]

Communication is a two way street, and if one partner doesn't have the skills then they must learn. But it starts with being willing to learn, willing to talk, and express, and willing to listen. A little background such as your ages, and how long you have known each other, and how long you've been married would give us a better picture.

[want_to_know]

I am 28 and he is 33 years old. We have been married for 5 years. I try to talk to him calm without pushing buttons and everything. Sometimes he just blurts out things and its rude. OH let me not forget anytime there is a problem It is always my fault and I don't argue who's fault I just want to fix the problem. And if he does something and it is his fault and he knows that I'm the reason why he did whatever so then it comes back to my fault or I bring it on myself. By the way SavedSinner I am with you let them calm down and I do but he has something for that too. When his calm and I say OK lets talk about it he says not right now its not a good time. But its never a good time! I'll beg please he hurts me and then he comes it's your fault suck it up. I feel like I can't win. I'm still young but I not concerned on he's wrong I'm right like some people I just want a marriage that works. Talaniman let me know if you need more info or specifics. You too Saved.

[savedsinner7]

Read the book. Men are very different. I like to talk things through to know that we are OK, and my husband is ready to drop it to show that things are OK! Total opposite! The key for us is knowing how the other person thinks so that there is mor understanding of what's going on. I have to tell my husband how things affect me because he just doesn't get it, he thinks differently than I do. I have to ask him how things affect him, because he doesn't think the way I do and I don't understand his way of thinking. I am emotional thinker and he compartmentalizes everything. Not wrong, just different.

[450donn]

Since it is really obvious that you are not American born, I an starting to suspect this is a cultural issue more than anything else. I am guessing that he was raised to think of a woman as an object, a possession. And as such he does not have to treat you with the respect that Western women are accustom to. What nationality are you both from?

[talaniman]

I would agree with don, as it seems he was taught a certain way and finds it hard to change. If I may ask, if you work outside the house, or have an education? Was this marriage arranged by chance?

[want_to_know]

Nicely well put SavedSinner I will defintely get the book and work better on our communication and Read How do I get him to read it? 450donn I am american and my husband is egyptian. I think you are partly correct as well because I have been to his country and something's are different than how our custom is in America. But I new that when I married him and accept our differences and I know that's why I have to work just has hard. And I try to take extra percautions when dealing with him and his culture. But when it comes down to me and some things that I do he never understands or should I say tries not to. How should I get him to look at our differences and try to accept them? He knew when he married me I was american and have a different culture. How do we accept each others differences?? /

[want_to_know]

Talaniman
No the marriage was not arranged so we mutually wanted to marry each other. I stay at home because I care for our 2 children. I used to work very good jobs but I quit when I became preganant and currently still care for my son because his is still small (under 1) I do have a education I have a Bachelor's in Business, Paralegal Cert, Med Office Admin Cert and Payroll Admin Cert. . I would like to work outside of the house again soon but not now.

[talaniman]

I almost forgot, where do you live?
I really think you have to structure your life around the family, and not back off from any conflict at this time, and lead by example. The difference being, don't take no crap off him at all, and don't hesitate when he is wrong, to let him know that you are not to blame, and you will stand up to him. This doesn't mean start a fight, but do defend and back off. Leave him with his thoughts, and let him wonder why your mad for a change. When he calls names, leave him alone, and have things to keep you busy, and ignore him completely when he disrespects you. A Passive aggressive resistance, so to speak. He needs to know your limits, and not cross them, so you must teach him your limits. No name calling, to start, and voice your displeasure, when he blames you. But be quick to leave his presence, avoiding an all out shouting match. You have kids so yelling is not what is needed. The idea is to stand up for yourself, and let him know, YOU will not be disrespected whether he likes it or not. So be ready to stand your ground.

[firmbeliever]

Assalaam alaikum sister wtk,

As far as I can see you are trying to be a good wife.

I was wondering where exactly is your husband from?Sometimes cultures maybe the factor or it might how he grew up,maybe his own father was the non-communicative type and he may not have learnt to communicate what he needs too well either.

Do you and your husband go out along with the kids?Just to enjoy yourselves,maybe to a picnic in a park or to an amusement park or even just for a walk or playground where you two can relax with the kids.
Or if possible,ask one of your friends or relatives to babysit while you and your husband get some time alone together.Dont discuss the problems during the free time.Try to just enjoy together, hopefully rekindle the fire that was there at the beginning or even start a new type of fire.
Sometimes physical relationships get strained after kids,one or both of you are tired after work and with kids waking up at odd hours it is hard enough to enjoy the physical side of marriage and it takes a lot of work to get the passion going again.And believe me,the passions doesn't work out by itself.

Sometimes with kids it is hard to relax and with both of you working fulltime (I know being a mum is not an easy job and it can't even be compared to a full day at an office).
Emotionally we are spent at the end of the day and we expect our husbands to understand this,but most men are clueless to the fact that kids do not let us relax except for a few minutes maybe at nap time,but even then there will be the chores to do, the odds and ends that needs picking up or washed.

If you have someone whom your husband will listen to,maybe a family member of his or yours could have a talk with him.Not directly about your problems but generally about how to get the marriage to work well and about being a good muslim man and about respecting his wife and kids in all the ways that counts.

If at all possible I would recommend your husband to have a look at this link or if he can, listen to the lecture too.
Marriage: The Ideal Muslim Husband: A Review

In the end you can only do so much.Leave the rest to the Almighty.
You could do an Ishtikhara Salah and ask for guidance if you are ever in doubt.
Salat al-Istikhara

Wa alaikum salaam

[want_to_know]

Salam Alaikum Firm
Thanks a lot for the links I will look into those. Also thank you for the other forum as well I joined yesterday. I really appreciate all the insight I going to try everything you guys said because that's all I have in addition to prayers. Hopefully something will work out for me I will update you guys on the process. I hope its good news because I have done more than change a lot about myself in the process of being married to him and now to me some changes seems like I have given up almost all of myself. Sometimes we go out with and without the kids. But currently he is working about 12 hours a day. So I defintely do not want to spend our free time agruing.

Firm he is from Eygpt
Talaniman we live in the U.S

[want_to_know]

Update
We are speaking now. I thought the not speaking was making me feel childish, like I was playing games and I just want it to work. I got up this moring at 3 and woke him up. (Probably not the best thing I know, but I just could not sleep again upset) I told him how I felt again and this time no distractions, not anything. The room was so quiet you could not hear a peep. I told him I read about the ideal husband in Islam and Quran and we were just going back and forth. Coversing not argueing. I told him for me and the sake of our children if he wanted this marriage to work he must build he's spirit (Iman) in Islam to be closer to God to be a good husband. And lead me by example. I must have set myself up because you know what came next. He commented on me not being perfect. Which I agreed, then I said If I'm doing wrong you can't stoop to my level and say that I should do all of this thing for you because you say and then not have a good foundation spiritually. I quoted some of Quran and told him to try. He said "I am trying" then I said "try harder". Then I gave him 2 choices Try harder to better yourself in Islam and be closer to Allah so you can then in turn be able to be a better husband for me or don't and we part. I told him give yes or no answers. He said yes and the rest is history. I know this is not the end but it's a start. So in time if it is God's will (InshaAllah) it will work out. I will still get the book recommended. I saw that on eBay and firmbeliever your link worked to read the message of Ideal husband but not the a video. But I saw the video on eBay as well. Also I thank you all for all of your advice has been appreciated and now I'm happy. If your advice wasn't used now I sure a some point is this marriage it will be used. Thanks Again Guys Talk to you when I have other question.

[firmbeliever]

Assalaam alaikum wtk,

Alhamdlillah! It is a start.That was a wonderful idea of yours to talk early in the morning.
At least both of you can talk in a civilised manner until things are resolved.

Maybe you two could also make a promise to each other to at least eat dinner or any one meal together as a family.Both of you can work on making that meal a quiet time to discuss the light topics of marriage and kids.

If you need any support do let us know and we are here to listen and help Insha Allah.

I am praying for both of you and may Allah(swt) bless you and your family in this world and the next.

Wa alaikum salaam

[want_to_know]

Salam Alaikum firm
Alhumdulilah!Shukran Jazilaan! Insha'allah it will all be good. Insha'allah make Du'aa for my family. If you find any other sites that are good just send me a link in a pm thanks.
Ma'asalama WTK

[pennygirl]

I have a similar type of marriage.. well the part where I can't even communicate with him so basically even though there are so many things that just aren't right if I can't even talk to him without like you said the turning it on me.. telling me to suck it up by saying things like "if you don't like it then leave" or last time it was "if you arent happy do whatever it is that makes you happy".. and I was like ANYTHING? Thinking is he telling me to go have affairs.. and he goes anything.. and I was like you mean like go find someone else and he said whatever you got to do... and I just said wow I feel really valued here.. and then he was stone cold again.. or he just shuts himself away for a day or so then acts like nothing happened or he gets in his truck and leaves and comes back like nothing.. so I sit here with many many real issues.. yet can't even utter a word
it makes you feel stuck in a prison I understand
I don't have an answer.. I haven't read the book people recommend but I'm sure it would be helpful.. or go see a counselor? By yourself?
one thing and this is kindof depressing but the word narsissit I know I spelled that wrong came up on TV once and it sounded familiar so I googled it.. and the checklist for this personality type was like reading about my husband
examples... not able to communicate or open up... even down to they are horrible gift givers.. or GREAT gift givers but never what you want.. my husband will ask what I want for my birthday or whatever and ill say it.. couldn't be more clear.. and I always get what he thinks I want maybe kindof like what I said but never what I asked for
Like I asked for a chimnea and said I love the clay round ones.. I like the fire part but I just really like the clay round ones... well I got a chimnea.. an iron square practical one..
totally not the same feel as a clay round one.. when I totally thanked him and then slipped its not the clay round kind but at least it's a nice chimnea.. he just made me feel bad like at least I got you something and you got to complain.. turned it on me
Anyway maybe read a little about the narrsisit or whatever personality type
it is depressing because everything says there is no changing them etc...
but it has made me not feel like I am the crazy one