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kenny3897 · May 19, 2008, 04:51 PM

My wife cam to me a few weeks ago and told me she had been having an affair for the past 8 months. We have been married now for 11 years and have had our ups and downs but this took me completely by surprise. She told me she had stopped seeing this guy a few days before she tole me. She said the guilt was eating at her and she had to tell me. Now all the trust I had built up for her is gone. What should I do?

Fr_Chuck · May 19, 2008, 04:55 PM

If you want to remain married, you start marriage counseling. It is hard but it can be overcome if you want to work at it hard enough

kenny3897 · May 19, 2008, 05:01 PM

Im not going to pay someone to tell me my wife's a slut I already know that now I look at her as tainted goods.

Fr_Chuck · May 19, 2008, 05:14 PM

well that means you want a divorce, so move out and hire an attorney.

But no, a wife having an affair does not mean she is as "slut" it means there was something she did not believe she had in her marriage and looked for it somewhere else. ** this does not mean she was losing it at home, but she may have only thought some level of something was missing.
Also no it is only you that will see her as tainted, a good counseler would never first believe it, they see the value of all people, and next they would be looking for a way for all people to find a way to get back together.That is what you would be paying them for. They would look into what each of you had, want and where each want to go.

If you don't want to salavage your marriage that is your choice,

liz28 · May 19, 2008, 05:15 PM

You can even stay or go. Couseloring will help your overcome it and hopefully help you trust your wife again but only if you want to try again. The choice is yours. What reasons did she give for cheating anyway because personally that's not right in my book.

kenny3897 · May 19, 2008, 05:23 PM

She feels like I did something wrong. Ive been working a lot out of town but home on the weekends. She left her job during the day to see this guy and then told me she was going out of town for the weekend with a girll friend to see an air show and all along she was with this guy. She lied to me and her family but yet she wants to make it work. I don't think I can trust her like I once did.

liz28 · May 19, 2008, 05:44 PM

So she has an affair for 8 months. On a serious note if you think couseloring won't work and you no longer want to be with her then get ready for a divorce. When someone you love cheats on you of course you feel hurt but it up to you to forgive and if you don't want the marriage to end then you work on it, but it hard. If you done nothing wrong to her and did everything a husband is suppose to and never mistreated her she should not blame you starting wrong. If she works it to work she needs to be honesty and that's don't start with I cheated, but its all your fault so if she going admitted to it then her story needs a beginning, middle, and end.

simoneaugie · May 19, 2008, 07:10 PM

She felt close enough to you and told you. Many women would have kept it from you. I think she's a keeper. If you think you can no longer trust her, can anyone be "trusted" not to be human? To make mistakes?

JoeCanada76 · May 19, 2008, 09:14 PM

Whether you like this or not. Counseling is important for yourself, even marriage counseling. This is needed. The last resort. As somebody pointed out at least she told you. That takes strengh although she told you for the wrong reasons to releave herself from guilt because of her actions.
It is up to you what you do, but you do have a right to divorce her if that is what you want to do. No one is going to stop you.

Joe

pimp_mah_alpaka · May 19, 2008, 09:34 PM

Originally Posted by kenny3897

Im not going to pay someone to tell me my wifes a slut I already know that now i look at her as tainted goods.

If you think of her as 'tainted goods' and a.. Well you know.. then why the hell are you spending your time with this woman if you call her these things behind her back!! Either see a counsellor, or maybe you should think about leaving her.. she's been lying to you for how many years? Saying she loved you when she was loving someone else.. a healthy relationship involves TRUST.. if there's no trust then how can you maintainn a loving and healthy relationship??

De Maria · May 19, 2008, 10:09 PM

Originally Posted by kenny3897

My wife cam to me a few weeks ago and told me she had been having an affair for the past 8 months. We have been married now for 11 years and have had our ups and downs but this took me completly by suprise. She told me she had stopped seeing this guy a few days before she tole me. She said the guilt was eating at her and she had to tell me. Now all the trust i had built up for her is gone. What should i do??

First of all, that is awful and I feel for you. My prayers are with the both of you.

It sounds, from your description, as though she told you and you did not know? Is that right?

If she told you out of the blue and you had no idea, then that would mean that she is truly repentant and wants to start over.

So, the question is whether you still love her. If you love her, then love forgives.

If you no longer believe that you love her, there is another thing you must keep in mind.

But it isn't because we aren't. Ultimately, matrimony is a covenant with God. And in that covenant you promised God to love each other and stay together for better or worse. Now, I guarantee that God will forgive your sins if you ever ask for His forgiveness. So, if your wife has asked you to forgive her, then forgive her and do your best to love her again.

Problem is, that in this culture, people think that matrimony must be perfect. Matrimony is about love and joy, but it is also about pain and suffering. It is essentially an icon of your love for God. We are supposed to be faithful to God. But when we aren't and we turn back to God, God takes us back. So, your wife was supposed to be faithful to you. She wasn't but now she has repented and turned back. Will you take her back?

Pray. Pray that God will reunite your family and reignite your love for each other.

Sincerely,

De Maria

Synnen · May 19, 2008, 10:54 PM

"tainted goods", huh?

Well, she puts up with YOU, so there must be something worthwhile about her.

Stay or go--but make your choice, get some counseling either way (your anger is going to hurt YOU more than anyone else, and a good counselor will help you get past it).

And once you make your choice? No whining about it. No bringing up the issue over and over and over again. You choose, you get counseling, and you put it behind you--whether you stay or go.

She felt you did something wrong, huh? What KIND of something? I'm willing to bet that it was the "took her for granted" kind of something, personally.

want_to_know · May 21, 2008, 07:47 PM

I do not approve of what she has done. But marriage is for the long haul and sometimes you run into trials and tribulations everyone does it's how you deal with them. Now to be realistic she could have stopped seeing him and just stayed married to you. But she didn't. I know it felt like a knife through your heart to hear your wife tell you that and I'm sure it had to hurt her to tell you and hurt you like that. But a lot of people make stupid mistakes but by doing this she probably thought she could find something that she felt was lacking in that other relationship and realized she would rather be with you. Sometimes it takes other things to happen to realize what you already have isn't worth giving up. I think she realized you are what she wants but I apologize it had to come at a high price. Trust will definitely have to be earned again and I don't feel you want a divorce but converse with her about why? Because there something she feels she's not getting and for her to tell she cheated whatever she wasn't getting she does want to get it from you. It could be emotional attention, etc.. In a marriage communication is the key. When the foundation is built strong it might shake but it will not crumble.

talaniman · May 21, 2008, 07:55 PM

Definitely go to couple counseling, if nothing else to cope with the shock and anger. After the dust settles you can make a decision without all the hurt feelings and raging emotions. Give it time, the divorce court ain't going no where.

igman · May 23, 2008, 01:49 PM

First you need to decide if you are going to stay or not. For some people, cheating is an absolute deal breaker... for some it might not be. I thought that it would be until it happened to me. That was 10 years ago and we are still together. Here is the key : she has to understand all the hard work she is going to have to do ti build trust and you have to do your best to allow her to do that without turning into Hitler. I won't lie, its going to be TOUGH. I still struggle with it sometimes.