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Another case of the BREAK
Hi.
My girlfriend and i have been together for five years. We are both 20 years old. We live in the same area, however i am now Attending a university that is an hour away from our hometown. About a month ago she asked for a break. We've been On breaks before, but those were childish breaks when we were in High school. Now, this is the first one now that we are in college. The other breaks weren't really breaks. But this one is. That is Because i am really giving it to her. I am not calling her or Communicating with her in anyway. One day, however, i gave in. it was two days after valentine's day And i decided (spontaneously) to show up at her school to give Her a belated valentine's gift. It consisted of a dvd movie and Another dvd which i made. Anyway, she wanted to thank me by Giving me a hug, but i denied it saying that i don't have the right To, because we are on a break. She said that i shouldn't be so Anal about the break and that the occasional phone calls are Okay. But i didn't agree. Also, last night, i texted her saying that I am going crazy because i can't stop thinking about her. My question is: should i give her those occasional phone calls And hugs? Or should i just wait for her (which is what i am Doing)? I mean, i am trying my best to give her her space, but she Doesn't want it the way i am doing it. Does she really want a Break? Or is there something deeper? -thanks in advance. Wildcat, please hear this. |
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Firstly, I think others (and myself) would prefer if you don't write your message in all CAPS... Second, you mention to Wildcat to "hear this" , I can tell you write now what he will say "What are you doing???" You say you don't want to hug her because you are on a "break" but, you text her telling her how you can't stop thinking of her and how you are going crazy thinking of her?
It is clear that you need to back off... She is getting her "cake and eating it" to. She probably likes the attention that you are giving her and of course she still wants to "Talk" to you. There is a reason why you need no contact , real no contact, starting now. It is much easier for her to "break up with you" without having to worry about "oh, what if he never talks to me again" because, you keep trying to call and contact her. After reading through other threads here today, I realize I need to make a commitment to not call the girl I was dating for at least 2 months. If I still want to talk to her then, I will call her.. But, I am thinking by then, I will be on to another girl. |
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What has ever happened to honesty in relationships, not playing games and pretending to break up or breaking up to make someone want you more.
If she wants, really wants a break, then you break up and if in some months you get back together great, if you don't want to break up tell her so, maybe she did not really want to break up but thought you did because you were not showing her as much attention as she wanted. So by you saying yes to a break, you merely told her you did not care. If you don't want to break up, tell her, if she still does, then break up. If you want to move out of kid relationship into adult relationship, grow up, talk to each other how you really feel. Too many adults, many giving advice are not grown up, they still think you are suppose to play games in relationship. Being honest with each other is the only good and true relationship |
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[quote=anotherdudeneedsadvice]HI.
MY GIRLFRIEND AND I HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR FIVE YEARS. WE ARE BOTH 20 YEARS OLD. WE LIVE IN THE SAME AREA, HOWEVER I AM NOW ATTENDING A UNIVERSITY THAT IS AN HOUR AWAY FROM OUR HOMETOWN. ABOUT A MONTH AGO SHE ASKED FOR A BREAK. WE'VE BEEN ON BREAKS BEFORE, BUT THOSE WERE CHILDISH BREAKS WHEN WE WERE IN HIGH SCHOOL. NOW, THIS IS THE FIRST ONE NOW THAT WE ARE IN COLLEGE. THE OTHER BREAKS WEREN'T REALLY BREAKS. BUT THIS ONE IS. THAT IS BECAUSE I AM REALLY GIVING IT TO HER. I AM NOT CALLING HER OR COMMUNICATING WITH HER IN ANYWAY. That's Cute payback - that Freudian slip! ONE DAY, HOWEVER, I GAVE IN. IT WAS TWO DAYS AFTER VALENTINE'S DAY AND I DECIDED (SPONTANEOUSLY) TO SHOW UP AT HER SCHOOL TO GIVE HER A BELATED VALENTINE'S GIFT. IT CONSISTED OF A DVD MOVIE AND ANOTHER DVD WHICH I MADE. ANYWAY, SHE WANTED TO THANK ME BY GIVING ME A HUG, BUT I DENIED IT SAYING THAT I DON'T HAVE THE RIGHT TO, BECAUSE WE ARE ON A BREAK. SHE SAID THAT I SHOULDN'T BE SO ANAL ABOUT THE BREAK AND THAT THE OCCASIONAL PHONE CALLS ARE OKAY. BUT I DIDN'T AGREE. ALSO, LAST NIGHT, I TEXTED HER SAYING THAT I AM GOING CRAZY BECAUSE I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT HER. MY QUESTION IS: SHOULD I GIVE HER THOSE OCCASIONAL PHONE CALLS AND HUGS? OR SHOULD I JUST WAIT FOR HER (WHICH IS WHAT I AM DOING)? I MEAN, I AM TRYING MY BEST TO GIVE HER HER SPACE, BUT SHE DOESN'T WANT IT THE WAY I AM DOING IT. DOES SHE REALLY WANT A BREAK? OR IS THERE SOMETHING DEEPER? -THANKS IN ADVANCE. Yeah, you did act anal that day. You don't agree with her suggestion of occasional phone calls because you want total control even though you claim you are doing this because that's what she wanted, and it's driving you crazy.
"She doesn't want it the way I am doing it"
My buddy Wildcat will probably have fun with me here, but I think you got something mixed up and you need to fix it or forget it. No matter what your choice, good luck. I'm sure you'll keep us posted.  Communication is a strange two-way thingy - try to remember that. Giving her space does not mean to push her away when she approaches you.
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 Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck
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So, should I wait for her? Or should I act on my feelings and instinct and get her back?
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I am confused because WILDCAT insists on the NO CONTACT rule. It seems very logical. However, your logic, CHERY, feels right. So?
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Well, while I respect what Chery and Fr. Chuck said, I have a feeling that by you not giving her distance, you will look needy/clingy and look like you aren't respecting what she is looking for.
You say things like "this is a real break" and that you are giving her a break this time by not contacting her. Well , I think you have the right idea! Leave it for a while and don't call her. Do you want her to string you along and keep taking these "breaks" every few years? My opinion is that it isn't a good idea to show her that you will keep calling her and paying attention to her even when she wants to "break" things off... I suggest you give it a few weeks at least before any further contact. |
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Do you mean a few weeks on top of the month that has already passed by?
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I am meaning at minimum a few weeks from today. You have been in contact with her and you sent her a text message as early as yesterday. I am sure part of you is thinking that she will "come to her senses" and move on and you want to keep her interested. But, in your case, I really think she said clearly that she wants a "break" so, you should give it to her. What is the point of keeping in contact with her? She either wants a break or she doesn't. You can't have a break with communication... (and communication includes text messages,etc)
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What ever happened to guys riding off into the sunset and looking for new adventures? Someone in love doesn't want a break they want to keep the relationship going. What are you guys doing to these females anyway.Its the nose rings isn't it? When a woman wants a break give it to her,get out in the world and you'll see plenty of people places and things to do and guess what? Your free to do it. Don't waste your time moping around thinking of her,If she comes back so deal with it from a position of power not that sappy stuff,If she doesn't want you there will be 3 out therr to tell her what she let go,Come on fellas stop letting these girls make whiney boys out of you and get rid of those nose rings sheeez!:cool: :eek:
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Well dear, you've received a lot of viewpoints here, and at this point, it's up to you to make a choice. No matter what that is - make a move one way or the other - standing still and asking everyone else but her questions is not going to get you very far.
Good Luck! If it's only the fear of rejection that's stopping you, run, and don't look back. Then, start working on your self-confidence.
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UPDATE:
I have followed my feelings and I went to talk to her about a month ago. However, it did not end up as planned (getting back together). But whatever. So I went to plan B. I broke up the relationship. TOTALLY. I told her that she would never be hearing from me again. And she BROKE DOWN. We kissed and we split and I haven't seen her since. I haven't contacted her in a month. I'm feeling good about it. I have been improving myself physically and mentally. ANYWAY: I have been reading the post by MATTVIT and it has been making me very suspicious about the whole break up. WILDCAT noted that 90% of the time they use a break to see someone else. So here's what I gathered: (1) When we broke up, she wanted me to date so I could "grow" (a) I asked if she would date and she said, "no." (b) Is this an excuse so she could see someone else? (c) What does this mean exactly? (from man and woman's P.O.V.) (2) I've been looking around myspace(even though I hate it I catch myself looking around) and some guy who has been trying to make passes at her the whole 4 years we've been together has left a message: "Here you are baby, hope your finishing up...LOVE YOU BABY!!!" (a) DAMN. BLOOD IS BOILING. (b) What does this mean? (c) He isn't gay. (3)Should I tell her that whatever thoughts she had of trying to get back together, she should forget about it. (a) Because she was hinting after I broke up with her that she would Try to get back with me YEAH. That's all. So what should I do? How can someone who has loved you for this long do this? And so quickly? |
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Originally Posted by anotherdudeneedsadvice
When a woman (generally) says it's OK for you to date during the break, she's lying. When she says to 'grow' - this means that you should reflect on how valuable she is/was to you and if you miss her. Also if you are willing to change your ways to suit her needs better - no matter what her perception of what she wants to mold you into. So, stay yourself, be comfortable in knowing that you survived this and will be able to cope in the future without thinking that your world is at an end. You now realize that you should not place anyone else in your life first unless it is a true partnership where both mean to share the rest of life with. This means growing together - not apart - to the point where you can read each other and stay with each other through thick and thin, and unconditionally trust each other. From what you said about her, she's not the one, so as I said before, let it go, don't waste anymore thought on it and go on with your life. Good luck, dear, and keep in touch.
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It's hard to say what her motives are at this point. You've been together for 5 years - that's kind of a long time especially for people as young as the two of you. I think that you need to make up your mind about what you want at this point. You say you've been avoiding her but then showed up at her school to give her a belated Valentine's Day gift which she seemed to accept gracefully enough. After 5 years you should know each other well enough to know whether there's a future for the two of you together. If there's not, then admit it to yourselves and each other now and go your merry ways. If there is then you can start making plans and fit your education in with them so that you'll be prepared with a good career and provide well for her and whatever children you may have together.
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Originally Posted by s_cianci
Yes. After five years I feel that we have come together. And talks about the future (marriage, kids, a house) have always been a part of our conversation and we were both all for it (after our schooling). We have never done each other wrong. And, HONESTLY, I want a future with her. That is what I really want. I am only abiding to the rules of break up because I don't know what else to do. I mean, she is a great woman. I just don't understand this game. I don't want to play anymore. I just want to be straight forward. And she has told me, right before the break up, that she hopes it's me that she spends the rest of her life with. So, what is going on? My feeling is that she really does need the break for time. But lately I've been suspecting other. |
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Dear, it's up to you. If you can, after all your doubts and concerns, still trust her completely if she decides to come back to you, then it might work. But it will be a hard rock for you to swallow and you need to be strong and also be able to forgive and forget the games she is playing with you at present - maybe to test you - but she just might be doing it the wrong way. We do get confused when there are crises in a relationship, but there are some bounds that need to be set so that there can still be a basis for trust.
If her choice is to come back to you, just don't be too hasty. Have long talks and walks at first without getting intimate again, just as if you've just met. By that time you'll both have grown more in your expectations and emotions and will realize that communication is an integral part of a good relationship. Wishing you a lot of luck, dear, and will be back in four weeks after a hospital stay.
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So should I confront her about my suspicions or continue to not make contact?
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If there is any doubts in your trust of her than I doubt that it will ever work out again.
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