[InNeedOfHelpNow]

Hey guys, it's my first time on this site, and I really need some help.

I've been in a really close relationship with this girl, (let's call her Anna) for over a year now, and I can truthfully say that I do love her. She means everything to me, and I'd do anything for her.

Granted, I am still in high school, but this is different. I'm sure that some of you are rolling your eyes, thinking that this is just another adolescent teen relationship that went down the drain like most of them do, but it isn't. I have been in a few relationships before, none of which felt like this one. When I was with her, everything was better, she was my light and air. All relationships feel like this at first, but I've felt this way from day one to now.

We started dating in the winter of 2006 but broke up during late fall of 2007. Even though we "broke up", we still hung out and were together like we hadn't broken up. She still loved me and I still loved her. The problems we were facing were difficult ones from my past with some stupid choices I made and dumb things I did. I wanted to show her that I was different now, and I did. But the thing is, she has a hard time letting go of things past, often bringing up old things, causing minor arguments. I understood how she felt and tried to ease the problems, but I knew it would take time. I would stand by her side to work through these issues if it took the better half of my life, but she couldn't stand the little scuffles we had, ad it really tested our love. Because of these problems, we never officially "got back together", but we were. I still held her hand, she still kissed me, and we were very much in love. We made progress with our problems and were able to talk about them without too much hurt, and I thought things were going well.

But for the past few months, I had started separating from my friends, only spending time with Anna. I realize now that this was not a good thing to do, and it made Anna feel terrible. She said that our relationship was dangerously close and that it was unhealthy for both of us. I tried changing and talking to my buddies again, but I guess it wasn't enough. Annie and I had decided that I would talk to my buddies again, especially the girls (whom she was very jealous of. She had jealousy issues, and I did my best to ease them) even though she would hate me for it. I started talking to my guy friends a little more, but not the girls, and I'm sure that that's what she really wanted anyway, but again, she still thought it was unhealthy to be together.

So for a few more months, the relationship suffered because of stress of jealousy, some trust issues, and my past actions. I know that all of these things are serious problems, but I am positive that we can work them out. And just a few weeks ago, things got BAD...

We were having a little argument, and I was really irritated to begin with, and I said things and did things that I shouldn't have, ending up with her crying during class (the room is quite large, and we were sitting in the corner, the class watching a movie, so no one should have noticed this. It wasn't as if I had made her bawl in front of everyone). I immediately stopped what I was doing (being a jerk... ) and tried to comfort her, but she had had enough. She moved her seat half way across the room away from me to watch the film by herself, telling me not to follow.

The next few days, she started telling me that we needed to talk. I was scared out of my mind, worrying nonstop. I tried to make her as happy as possible, but it wasn't enough. It was a Friday, and she normally came home with me on Fridays just to hang out and have alone time, but this time, she didn't. This hit home hard. She had been coming over to my house on most Fridays for well over a year since we started going out. I was devastated.

The following Monday, we still hadn't had the talk she'd been talking about (obviously the breakup talk). I should have known that that's what it was, but I didn't connect the dots at the time. She was conflicted about breaking up because she still had feelings for me. But that day, for some STUPID reason, I blurted out what she told me she would never do and asked, "why don't you just break up with me then?"

Bad idea. She was at the edge of making her decision, and I pushed her too soon. All because I was upset and being a jerk. She broke up with me, and told me that I shouldn't talk to her anymore; she severed all contact with me because she thought I would be able to change her mind if I talked to her (yet another indication of her conflicted feelings). At first, I wasn't too worried since there have been periods where we took a break, not talking much, but eventually got back together stronger than ever. I thought this was another one of those instances. I realized soon that it wasn't.

She ignored all advances, telling me to stop talking to her, walking away from me, RUNNING away from me, etc. I was hurt beyond imagining. I'd catch myself gazing at her when she was around, wishing I hadn't become lax and been a better guy for her. At times like those, she would see me looking at her, and would get angry, often snapping at me to look somewhere else or moving out of my line of sight. I wrote her notes and made things for her the way I did when we were still happy together, but it was too little too late. She eventually blocked me on AIM, and I had no way to talk to her as I had made a final promise to respect her wishes and not talk to her.

This happened a few weeks ago, and I don't know what to do. I found out last night that she is "kinda seeing someone" already, and that it could be official very very soon. 2-3 days soon. Whatever was left of my heart is now gone, and I feel a gaping hole inside, and hate and anger directed at myself and the guys she is friendly with, especially with the guy she is "going out with".

The worst thing is that she didn't seem affected by the last breakup. Since we had been having difficult issues for a while now, I guess she's been thinking about separating for a little while now, which only hurts more. We've always been able to recover, but she's about to date another guy, only after a few weeks. Whatever heartbreak she had was over a long time ago, and I'm not so sure that this new relationship is just a rebound. My friend talked to her, and she told him that she had no more feelings at all for me anymore.

All day today, it's just been gnawing at me who this new guy is, and if she really likes him in a "nonrebound" way. It's confusing because I know she had feelings for me strong enough to want to get back together so soon after the breakup, and that she told my friend last night that she now has no feelings and isn't sorry for breaking up. She also said that the new guy was everything that she wanted.

Guys, I'm devastated. She doesn't know that I know this information, and is still ignoring anything I do to contact her. I went to the restroom just to be alone because I was about to turn on the waterworks for 10-20 minutes. Twice. I am not one to cry at school, or anywhere, no matter how much I'm hurting, and this scares me.

I am depressed, and lonely, and empty inside. My light and air is gone, taken by another guy. She isn't at all sad by our breakup, and I don't know how to feel.

The problems we've had are mostly things from my past, things that I've stopped and changed. She isn't able to let go, and that is ultimately the reason that our relationship ended. I don't know what to do, part of me wants to have her back and work on the issues together, making us better and happier, another part wants to just let her be happy, and another wants to kill the second guy.

Options one and three are basically out of the picture, and I'm left with option 2, even though the majority of my hates the idea of her being happy with some other guy she hasn't even know for that long.

My friend that talked to her last time told me that she hasn't known him for very long, and is basically swooning for him, playing truth or dare at 1AM with the new guy. I wasn't able to fall asleep till 4 or 5 last night.

Please know that her first relationship was with me, and that the new guy will be her second. Even though she says it isn't rebound, I'm not sure she really knows, but I don't want to take that risk. I want to win her back, I'd do anything. Summer break for my school is in a few short weeks, and once the stress of exams and AP exams and projects are all out of the way, I KNOW that we can be the happy couple she wants us to be. She just isn't giving me any chances, and is about to date another guy.

What should I do? Should I let her go, should I try to get her back, what do I do?

Anything you guys have to offer would be wonderful. Even if it's just kind words, anything would be nice.

The only thing that I know for sure is that...

I Love Her

I would do anything to have her in my arms one last time.



P.S. Sorry for writing a book, I haven't told anyone this information as I would inevitable break down in tears. I tried to keep everything from coming out haphazardly. Excuse my grammar/spelling/typos/capitalization errors, especially near the end. I was half blind when finishing up. If anything is unclear, ask me and I will clarify to my best ablility.

Thanks in advance

[spion_kop]

Hey bro, after reading your situation I must say that it is unique but similar at the same time. You have to understand that when people talk about a break up, the dumper/your ex, has already made the decision a long time ago before she actually tells you. When she tells you, it's to remove all sort of connection and attachment. Now I'm not saying that she will or won't come back, I can't predict the future. What I can do is tell you what you can do. The first thing is to leave her alone and if you do see her with this guy, tell her that you're happy for her and want the best for her.
All you can do is focus on yourself. Remember that it's human nature for people to want what they cannot have. Try being the best person you can in the world and live your life.
Who knows what could happen down the road. You two may be able to reconcile.
I think she was holding onto these past memories as a way of convincing herself that these things weren't working out with you.
My ex moved on within two days, forget about weeks/months. I was devastated but time heals everything. Show her indirectly that you're better off without her. That is the ultimate revenge which is to improve yourself mentally, physically and emotionally.
If she was the one she will come back in the future don't worry about it. Don't try to control fate/destiny, control yourself

[zooropa1985]

Awww man, feel for you.

Listen as much as this is going to annoy you I think you have to forget about her, I would say start no contact but that's going to be hard if you are in the same class.

If she is seeing someone else then you have to ask yourself is she worth it? I mean if she can do that to you then do you really want to be with her?

Another factor is the age, she's young and to be honest I think it would be unhealthy if you two had stayed together because at some point your going to wonder what you have missed out on, it might have been 10 years down the line but the grass is greener effect probably would have shown its face somewhere.

Lets be honest, there's nothing I or anyone else here can say to make you feel better, its up to you. I think you should let her be and if you are meant to be together then things will work themselves out, if not then least you can be happy knowing that this is just an obstical that has been removed between you and your true love.

[InNeedOfHelpNow]

The thing is, I tried bettering myself as I always have after a fight. She actually initiated contact with me after seeing me with my friends one day - I was smiling and laughing and joking as I haven't done for a long time. She came up to me and smiled, saying that she was happy for me. I was estatic that she was talking and SMILING at me again. But of course, I had to ruin it and do the obvious and wrong thing by telling her that I was still miserable.

She hasn't talked to me in that way since. Now it's just anger directed at me. I see her in class, smiling at there guys. Yeah, I get jealous and defensive (although I can't show it), but I am ultimately happy for her that she's getting along.

Seeing that, though, showed me how little she was affected by this when I know for a fact that she still had feelings for me just weeks prior. She expected me to get over "us" within a short period, something that upset me greatly.

Now I find out that she's about to date another guy that is "everything she ever wished for". She used to say those things to me. Those statements were strong enough to pull me out of any bad week anytime. To see her so nonchalantly toss it around talking about other guys... it hurts as much as if she had been cheating on me.

I suppose the majority of me still believes that we will get back together and still thinks that everything will go back to normal soon, so to me, this IS cheating, and I'm feeling the pain. Except I can't do anything about it.

What really upsets me is that I didn't stop it. She told me early warnings, and they went unheeded. I beat myself up over it daily, sometimes literally. We've had so much history together, we've been through so much, how can she so suddenly like someone else? She loved me more than I thought possible, and now that love is nowhere to be found. I threw it away without even realizing. I've always changed too late, and this time the effects might be permanent.

What a strange thing... I can't tell my friends or family, but I so readily open up to total strangers on the first website I found on a Google search. At nights, I can't sleep and imagine us when we were still together, hand in hand. I replay important milestones in our relationship in my head, imagining what I would do to prevent these problems. They're always simple fixes, and that destroys me.

[WhatN3XT]

Hang in there Man. After reading your post, I thought to myself what a mature kid. Hey I can call you that I'm 20 years older than you... lol. You stated that some of the effects of this may become permanent. This is only true if you let it. My HS sweetheart story is very similar to yours. I let the effects of that cheating/lying/using GIRL effected the way I approached dating and relationships for years, in fact the insecurities that I LET TAKE OVER ME ruined possibly 75% of future relationships. Don't let this happen to you.

Check the post "Things to do after a breakup" and follow the ones that fit your lifesyle. And as far as not talking to friends & family about this is what I did, and look where it got me. You need a support system close to home that you can call on at anytime. Use that resource wisely. Don't worry about them thinking you are a wimp, they will understand and be happy to help. Keep yourself entertained not necessarily busy. If you play video games do that when you start to think about her. Hell, I will give you my gamer tag for 360 if you really need to vent.

I don't want to give you a false sense of hope, but it is possible she is just trying to drive you crazy and jealous by doing all those things while she KNOWS you are watching her. Although we would take them back in a heartbeat, we must ask ourselves why. A HS GIRL is capable of very vindictive things, do not let that stop YOU from becoming a MAN.

You said that the last time you reconciled with her you were with your friends and she approached you. Get that back for yourself, you were laughing and smiling with your buddies. Don't let this stop you from doing that again, hang out laugh and smile as much as you can even when it hurts. Try not to dwell on the "simple fixes" that you referred to. It will only prolong the pain.

You have heard this a hundred times on here and trust me it's true. Time will heal that miserable feeling you have right now. Because when you can smile and laugh with your buddies again, that's when somebody else will be checking you out and you will be able to move on and grow as an INDIVIDUAL. This is a great site for advice and support use it's resources as you need them. It helped me revive a 7 year relationship, so now I am giving back.

[talaniman]

another part wants to just let her be happy,

Accepting this thing is finally over, and moving forward with your life, is the best option. Anything less than loving yourself enough to heal, and rebuild your life will drive you crazy. Click on the links in my signature, for some good suggestions, to help you move on. It will take time, and hard work on your part to fill the hole in your soul, but we have all been there, and your not alone.

[snake3489]

Don't know how I came across your posting but I did and it is funny because I am going through something very similar to your situation. Don't know if I will be of much help but I think what you need to do is try to distract yourself as much as possible, get a job if you don't have one and apply yourself to it and that helps out a lot especially since summer break will begin soon for you. You may not want to do it but you need to give her space and maybe you never know what might happen, if you find that you can't do that than you can try and talk to her to keep her as a friend but it is very important that you give her space. One of two things can happen either you get over her or eventually you get back together and if you really want to be with her you need to let her go for now because from what it sounds like that is just what you both need. Hopefully this helps you an everything works out for you.

[InNeedOfHelpNow]

Hey guys, I think it's time for an update. I appreciate all of the advice you guys have given me. As of right now, the new guy is history. Apparently he was some sort of creep that just wanted sexual benefits...

My ex actually told the new guy NOT to ask her out because she was hearing lots of bad things about him from a lot of people, but in the end SHE asked HIM out, all on a whim. However, I'm actually not that jealous of him, and I no longer have that angry animosity towards him. Most likely it's because my ex has told me in person that it wasn't serious in the way that we were (which was a relief... ) and that it was just for fun. The next day, she broke up with him because too many friends were telling her that he was some sort of slut and that it was going to end badly.

So long story short, the guy is gone for good, and my ex is single. But here's my problem now.

My ex knew the other guy was a sleazy person, but she still asked him out anyway. She has since told me that she did that because she was bored with her life and wanted excitement. Since the time I posted this question, I've really changed, and she has too, both for the better. I hear that many relationships need some time apart, and I thought that my relationship with my ex was that nature. I've become more mature and a happier guy with my buddies, and she has too. I do still have very strong feelings for her, but she no longer feels that way about me...

Right now, we are on friendly terms... very friendly terms. She's actually become my best friend again, and I've become one of her closer(est?) friends at school (I'm not exactly sure what she thinks). In fact, today we decided to take the day off during school and we just walked out of class and spent the entire day together, going to various places and having fun, just relaxing from stress. I thought that this meant she had some sort of feelings for me still, and that she wanted to just spend some time alone, but I was wrong... I couldn't have been more off. The time apart and my maturing hasn't made her fall into love with me again, nor has the contrast between our serious relationship and her fling with the sex crazed maniac. I told her how I felt, that I still had feelings and that I think we should try things out one more time, but the feeling wasn't mutual.

She's said that she's noticed my growth and maturity, noting how I've become a more outgoing and happier guy. Hell, I even lost 10 pounds, got new clothes, and have a new haircut, and she thinks I physically look better than ever. All of this natually made me very happy, especially the fact that we were close buddies again, but it was somewhat ruined when she told me how she felt about me.

Now, I am like her brother.

That is the absolute LAST thing I expected/wanted to hear...

I've shared some of my most intimate times with her, and my most private thoughts, and I do love her. There were times today when I almost kissed her, but I knew she would not appreciate that (to say it in nicer terms... ).

I guess what I really want help with isn't to win her back, but I would just like to know how or why something like this could happen.

I have become the guy that she was looking for a few weeks ago, and I am mentally moew mature and atune to her feelings as well as more physically attractive to her. The passion, according to her, had faded, and I thought that for sure my many changes in personality would satisfy her thirst for new and different. Now, let it be known that I am not changing FOR her, but rather that I am changing BECAUSE of her. She has affected me in ways I never thought possible, and I am a much better person now. I just thought that my new found self would be attractive to her, but it isn't. Even though both emotionally and physically she has found me better and more attractive, she just doesn't feel the same way anymore.

She fell out of love with me and was looking for a change, and I thought that my change would surely spark the flame once again. I fit everything she is looking for, but she can only see me as a brother. To me, my ex is like a sister also, but she is special and close to me in a different way, in a more intimate way. I suppose going into this relationship I was initially looking for companionship and a closeness that I didn't believe could be had with a regular friendship. What I got out of it instead was so much more, and I fell into love with the girl. Today has shown me that I can find that closeness and companionship that I was first looking for in a friendship, but I miss the things that we shared when we were more than friends. How can something so special become just friendship? Is it really possible that she no longer has feelings? At the times that I almost kissed her, it felt like she was sending signals, stretching and talking and singing in a very suggestive manner. I tested it out by trying to pull her somewhere by her hand, but she snapped it away before I could hold it, but then again, she likes to play hard to get. I am just very confused on how to feel right now, happy that we're very good friends, SAD that we're only good friends, or hopeful because she sometimes sends some signals...

[talaniman]

Its those intense feelings, and false hope, that keep you seeing mixed signals, and for sure a sign of frustration and confusion. You haven't let go, and accepted the friendship she wants, yet and need time to reconcile those feelings within yourself. A big separation is needed to adjust, and rebuild your life without her as the center of your attention. She has changed her mind about you, but you haven't changed a thing about her. As long as she is the focus, you can never heal and grow, beyond where you are now, confused.

[snake3489]

Hey man I also know that feeling but for this I think I can be a little for helpful. What you need to do is accept that it is over and just try and be her friend. Right now you are confused and so is she even though she isn't admitting anything of the sort to you, you need to try to not see her as a girlfriend but merely a friend. You both went through this break up and chances are that she still has feelings for you just not as strong, the only difference between you and her is that you still want something and she at this time needs space. You need to hang in there and focus don't try any moves on her like trying to kiss her or hold her hand , etc.. You guys both need space and maybe later on if you are patient you guys can get back together that is if you think she is worth the wait and from what I have read I think you do believe she is worth the wait. So hang in there and DON'T put any pressure on her.

[Ash123]

This girl is in the midst of growing up...and she ain't there.

I would HIGHLY recommend you stay away and do NOTHING - for at least 2 months.




And please read my survival guide below. You should not try to control, manipulate, persuade, cajole or entice her.

If she is the one... you have PLENTY of time right?. and you NEED time.

If she is NOT the one you are not capable of determinng that in your state of hysteria. As always, I know it SUCKS. REALLY SUCKS.

But deep down I think you know you need a break... so, see if you can do it for a bit.

[talaniman]

Time to do something different that you don't want to do, and that is give her, and yourself some space, and find other things in your life to focus on. We all know that's easier said than done, but read other stories here of those that have gotten through the misery and pain, and were able to rebuild themselves, and move on to better things. There is no easy way out.