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jdfalski · May 13, 2008, 01:22 PM

My husband went threw a mid life crises a few years ago and he cheated on me. I wanted to die, he was my best friend in the world and I loved him so much. I decided to stay and work it out, but I can't forgive or forget... I don't thro it in his face and we did the counceling thing. I know it was my choice to stay but even thou he is back to normal and we get along great. I am still so heart broken. I put so much of myself worth in how much that man loved me. Now I feel like crap 3/4 of the time... Self inflicted I know... In a weird way his affair made me long for new companionship of my own. Is that wrong. I still love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him but I feel like I need more out of life right now...

plonak · May 13, 2008, 02:08 PM

Just because he cheated on you doesn't give you the right to cheat on him. It takes time to get through these trials. You have to do what your heart is telling you and just know that a couple of counseling sessions aren't going to completely mend your heart, this kind of thing is not a quick fix, I think time will only tell.

bigbird213 · May 13, 2008, 02:32 PM

I agree with plonak.

What he did was wrong, no doubt - but it certainly isn't an excuse for retaliation. I guess you have to decide if you want to work it out and spend the rest of your life with him, or if you want to find "new companionship". It doesn't seem the two can co-exist.

If you want "new companionship" you should divorce your husband first...

Just a question - have you brought any of this up to him? How does he react?

Fr_Chuck · May 13, 2008, 05:35 PM

What he did was wrong, but you doing something wrong does not fix it, or make it right.

It is obvoiius that the counseling did not work, or you would understand that yourself worth does not come from another person, but something that is within you. And while you can not forget, you do have to forgive if you are going to ever get past this. So I would suggest going back to counseling but this time be completely honest on your feelings, *** you may have been but I have a feeling you were trying to make things apear better more than getting better, often during counseling you get things worst for a bit, a lot of all types of feelings come up.
And sometimes during counseling you find it can't be fixed, counseling does not mean it always works, it means sometimes the outcome is that it can't be fixed. With that I would suggest personal counseling to help you find the self worth of yourself.

JBeaucaire · May 13, 2008, 09:50 PM

You're right about one thing... he isn't enough. But that was always true. If you center your happiness and self-worth around any other person, even a dedicated husband, it's a recipe for disaster.

You have always needed to have a firm self-worth and self-respect and self-image that stands fine on its own. You needed it then, and you need it now.

You don't need other men, though. That's just the dark side talking. Wrong is wrong, at all times. We forgive it, but forgetting isn't necessary. We remember it's effects so as to not be guilty of it ourselves. We do not plan evil, ever.

So, you DO need to respond to that part of you that has realized that it is not his behavior nor his love that defines you, but YOUR goals, accomplishments and character. He is simply the one you've chosen to share that life with.

When you forgive someone, it's an accomplishment for YOUR peace of mind, not theirs. You do it because it frees you up again to get back to your own priorities and not fret over their sins any longer. Forgive him, and you both benefit. You don't need to worry about forgetting, maybe you never will.

In the meantime, get to work on your own sense of self outside of him. That's where your "win" will occur. Self-reliance is very attractive.

jdfalski · May 14, 2008, 08:32 AM

You're all correct in the fact that 2 wrongs don't make a right...
I didn't have the feeling of cheating for (retaliation) so I thought...
But things like this put your mind in a weird place...
I need to forgive (for me), no one else and I need to love myself again... I get that, hopefully I will absorb all this and take it to heart. Thanks everyone.

talaniman · May 14, 2008, 09:42 AM

but I feel like I need more out of life right now...

Maybe past events have made you forget who you really are. Find yourself, by building a life that you enjoy, outside of your husband. Friends, activities, and my favorite, volunteer work. A few classes maybe, bowling, fishing. Hey just because our hair is gray doesn't mean we are dead. Find something you love to do, and you will feel a lot better about yourself. Be proactive in your own happiness.