Check out some similar questions!

jc105 · Feb 23, 2006, 08:06 AM

All right, I just need some help.

My girlfriend and I have bee together for 4 years and known each other for 5. I have made a lot of mistakes, but I also have stayed with her through a lot of difficult times. We have lived together for 2 years and have been through A LOT. She wanted to move out about 6 months ago and I easily convinced her not too. Again 1 month ago she said she wanted to move out. I had told her to give me soome time to see if I could make her feel the way she should. One hurdle I have faced is that she started a new birth control, nuvaring, and I have read a lot of testimonials that say she would be less sexually attracted to me and more prone to pick at insignificant details. As of a couple nights ago after a 'panic attack' - highly tense for 40 seconds while tearing/crying, at that point we removed the birth control.

She still wants to leave. She feels she needs space/time to make sure I am what she wants. But the thought of her leaving hurts so much that I have trouble doing my job. We are so connected and we still talk about us for hours each day.

I feel like I can move on, but I am afraid for both of us we will lose a relationship that has taken so long to create.

Some details...

-We have been dating since we were 18 and I am 22 now.
-She promises not to sleep with anyone else, or even pursue other relationships.
-She wants freedom away from me, so she doesn't need to check in and all the stuff that comes along with a boyfriend.

She still tells me she loves me. Over and over again. There is no doubt about that but what do I do. Its going to tear me to pieces.

:confused:

fredg · Feb 23, 2006, 08:48 AM

Hi,
I am 64 yrs old, married 1st time for 7 yrs, Divorced, met a wonderful lady and remarried 2 yrs later... now married for 29 yrs.
Things take time. You have spent 4 yrs together, and now it seems she needs some time to think about everything... maybe you do, too.
Love is a relationship that takes time to build, and also takes time to get over.
Not saying it's over, but I do suggest you two take some time off from one another.
She needs to move out, and have some time to think. It will be hard, but wouldn't you rather find out if she is really the one now, instead of being together for another 4 yrs, then finding out?
Talking with others, meeting new girls is the best way to begin healing from a relationship. Maybe in time, things will work out. If not, it's all part of how life is. I do wish you the very best of luck.

jc105 · Feb 23, 2006, 09:20 AM

Yeah I know things may even be better in the future. But I am afraid this decision may hurt her AND me more than she knows. I've been reading all the posts for others in this situation and I still can't come to a conclusion.

It seems I should ignore her after she moves out, but how can you ignore the person that makes you sad even thinking they won't be there at night like they have been for so long.

It just kills and I feel as though she has a piece of me that I can't get back.

The advice to ignore them is easy to say, but so difficult if you TRULY love someone. And if you have every intention on staying with them forever. How do I lie, or go after other girls with her in the back of my mind. I know I could go elsewhere with my emotions but it hurts. It hurts all over.

blueiman · Feb 23, 2006, 09:45 AM

Relax stop thinking too much into it. Maybe you both need some time away. So what. Nothing wrong with it. Once you break. Set a few simple rules. Like the ones you pointed out are fine:
-We have been dating since we were 18 and I am 22 now.
-She promises not to sleep with anyone else, or even pursue other relationships.
-She wants freedom away from me, so she doesn't need to check in and all the stuff that comes along with a bf.
I think she needs space and so do you. She does not leave because she loves you and when she tries to leave you get hurt and she does not want to hurt you. Be a man and tell her its OK. You initiate the lets take some time away. I think the part where she says, she just does not want to report back to you as a boyfriend. She wants to get in touch with herself without you. So, stop being so selfish. There are two people in this relationship. Let her go. Give the relationship some time. If you are meant to be together you will get back together. If not, don't wait for her move on with your life after the break.
Remember we sometimes have to let GO of the ones we love! I did.
Good luck.

jc105 · Feb 23, 2006, 09:57 AM

You let go of the one you love? Have you found new love and does the old one still break your heart?

I know this will hurt forever. Maybe not so directly, but I know I could not hate her, so I will love her. I guess I can try not thinking about her but ****, she owns me. Every time I type the word love I almost break down. I am at work now, but couldn't care less about anything but trying to get her back. I don't want to give up on her. I can't make her stay, but I won't let her leave. Not really but that is how I feel. Again I say it hurts, and once I start to feel the pain it takes so much to make it go away. I wish I could hate her.

blueiman · Feb 23, 2006, 10:04 AM

Originally Posted by jc105

You let go of the one you love? Have you found new love and does the old one still break your heart?

I know this will hurt forever. Maybe not so directly, but I know I could not hate her, so I will love her. I guess I can try not thinking about her but ****, she owns me. Everytime I type the word love I almost break down. I am at work now, but couldn't care less about anything but trying to get her back. I don't want to give up on her. I can't make her stay, but I won't let her leave. Not really but that is how I feel. Again I say it hurts, and once I start to feel the pain it takes so much to make it go away. I wish I could hate her.

If she wants to take a break. And you keep trying to hold on. She will maybe do stuff to make you hate her so you will leave. Then you will hurt. So, stand tall. Take control of your life. Talk to her from the heart. And if she still wants to break it off. Let her know you understand and let her go. Leave the doors open if she changes her mind. But, you need to put a time limit on how long you will wait. Don't tell her about your time limit. Just set a time like 6 months. And if she does not come back. You will feel better about yourself and you will then know she was not for you. Do you really want to be with her if she doesn't want to be with you?

jc105 · Feb 23, 2006, 10:14 AM

I have very much told her from the heart how much I love her, how much it hurts. She knows my intentions after she leaves. I have applied to a college in another state and will set it in motion after she moves out. But I still know if next August I am moving away it will still hurt. I carry things with me forever, I have a tough time letting go and I know it.

Major problem is I am sure she knows I am willing to wait. What kind of person would I be to just forget after years of closely knit friendship? I guess I can only take the advice to find other interests, but I know they will only remind me of her, as does EVERYTHING I see. Which is why I know I will need to move. Funny/crappy thought. Even the city I would be moving to I have visited with my girl and I will still see streets and bars and even the college I applied to and know I did it all not for her, but because of her.

God I guess I just need to get over it eh? Lol

jc105 · Feb 23, 2006, 10:17 AM

I guess the question that I really want answered is if anyone has had the girl come back?

I know that any answer at this point may make it hurt, but I need the truth.
Have any girls gone back to there men? How did it happen, what did you or they do that made you know it was right?

I don't know what I expect to get out of this but I know it is still all up to me and her.

CaptainForest · Feb 23, 2006, 01:14 PM

Originally Posted by jc105

-She promises not to sleep with anyone else, or even pursue other relationships.

Hahaha. That's funny. I am sure she means it now, but if she meets someone else, odds are she will sleep with them.

You also ask if the girl will come back? For that to work, you can't cut her out of your life because then you are just asking for her to find someone else.

Giver her space, yes. But don't ignore her. And make sure she isn't keeping you on a thread. If she starts to date another guy secretly, you will need to be prepared emotionally for that. Give it a couple of months and then re-assess your relationship.

jc105 · Feb 23, 2006, 01:54 PM

She is a very emotional girl. If anything I trust her to tell me if there is someone else. It has always been a rule. That is great advice though. I am prepared for other men in her life... well sort of, I still will end up crying like a school girl but I guess that is love. I think in reading all the other posts I have started to feel out what my options are. I will be letting her know she has my 'blessing' to go and I do not hold it against her.

The hard part for me will be walking the fine line of not talking to her and loving the hell out of her (Which is obviously WAY more natural). Tonight I am going to let her know that I am no longer going to try to convince her to stay, but man am I going to need a drink the first night she is gone!

Chery · Feb 24, 2006, 02:29 AM

Originally Posted by jc105

She is a very emotional girl. If anything I trust her to tell me if there is someone else. It has always been a rule. That is great advice though. I am prepared for other men in her life... well sort of, I still will end up crying like a school girl but I guess that is love. I think in reading all the other posts i have started to feel out what my options are. I will be letting her know she has my 'blessing' to go and I do not hold it against her.

The hard part for me will be walking the fine line of not talking to her and loving the hell out of her (Which is obviously WAY more natural). Tonight I am gonna let her know that I am no longer going to try to convince her to stay, but man am I gonna need a drink the first night she is gone!

From reading on, I find that you are already progressing and will do just fine. If you are destined to be together, then a break will not harm, but bond more, as long as you can still trust each other. If she does 'cheat' - you will know it soon enough and then can make plans to go on.
I also needed a break and it worked - and will move out of the same house - different apartments - due to other priorities in my life, but I trust him and know he will keep in contact.
Honest, some girls really do need that break to miss you guys and rekindle the memories and reasons for loving you, but still needing a breather to gather a little self-strength and to be able to make a stronger commitment. You are closer to her than any of us and can probably feel whether she is sincere or not about her statement of needing this time, so listen to your instinct and go on accordingly.

Lots of luck, and get that education, plan for the future, and it might even be together!

jc105 · Feb 27, 2006, 09:42 AM

UpDate:

When I told her that it was OK and she could move whenever she wanted, it changed her whole attitude. In a good way. She almost immediately thought I was trying to use reverse psychology, which must mean she kind of wanted to stay, lol. Eitherway she will be moving out on Thursday, but we have been getting along great. Hopefully she will hate herself after she moves, lol. Eitherway, good times, still tough, but hey s*** happens.

JC

blueiman · Feb 27, 2006, 10:03 AM

Originally Posted by CaptainForest

You also ask if the girl will come back? For that to work, you can’t cut her out of your life because then you are just asking for her to find someone else.
Giver her space, yes. But don’t ignore her. And make sure she isn’t keeping you on a thread. If she starts to date another guy secretly, you will need to be prepared emotionally for that. Give it a couple of months and then re-assess your relationship.

Listen to him. I totally agree with what he wrote here. Let her go. Stay in touch. Wait for a periond of time. Then, re-think the relationship. Where are you and her at that point. Then, when you're ready to make a decision just do it! Good luck my friend...

blueiman · Feb 27, 2006, 10:09 AM

Originally Posted by jc105

UpDate:

When I told her that it was OK and she could move whenever she wanted, it changed her whole attitude. In a good way. She almost immediatly thought I was trying to use reverse psychology, which must mean she kinda wanted to stay, lol. Eitherway she will be moving out on Thursday, but we have been getting along great. Hopefully she will hate herself after she moves, lol. Eitherway, good times, still tough, but hey s*** happens.

JC

Good very good. This is what we are talking about. Let her do what she needs to do. Be strong and keep your attitude high. She will notice this and realize you don't need her to make you feel good about yourself. Women want men to be men. Women are sometimes very emotional. She needs you to be strong for her. She needs your support. What she is doing is very hard for her. So realize that she is hurting also. But, she has to follow her feelings to. So, just be there for her. And give you/her time. Stay strong my friend...

Ps
If your strong she may want you again... if you show her your weak without her, she will more likely leave you. You have to show her you are a man! She will respect this. Women do not like to be with a guy who breaks down crying because she is leaving. Do you want her to be with you just because you're sad. NO! You want her to be with you because you're a strong man. She will like you lots then...

jc105 · Feb 27, 2006, 01:48 PM

Yeah, got to be strong.

HA, What I really want to do is...

:'' (

My girl is leaving. Even though she isn't going far, it still hurts a lot.

Ladies, just to let you all know, the love should be enough, the games are for children.

But I guess its time to play!

jc105 · Feb 27, 2006, 01:48 PM

Worst of all, its not a game to her...

Wildcat21 · Feb 27, 2006, 03:43 PM

Well - sorry to tell you... but I bet 1000% she has that 'bad girl' itch.

You shouldn't even consider moving in with a woman until she is AT LEAST 25. EVERYONE TAKE NOTE OF THAT PLEASE!!

You sound like you are WAY too into this. Too much of nice guy. You haven't experienced enough of life either.

See - it's the way you make her feel. She doesn't feel it for dog. I bet 100% you are all needy, possesive, jealous, around her. Yuck! Hell, I can feel your neediness and possesiveness through the computer.

I am SURE you TRY and spend way too much time with her - YUCK!

She feels TRAPED!! You give her zero challenge and women ALWAYS need a challenge.

I bet $1 million that you rarely go out with your friends (WITHOUT HER) - and do there things in life. You've made this gal your world and she wants to RUN!! RUN!! What do things do when they are trapped - RUN!!

Start learning about women and the way they need to be treated:

www.askmen.com - read every dating article - especially Doc Love.

www.lovetactics.com - read ALL the free articles at the bottom of the page - you will GET INSITE as to what is going on here.

jc105 · Mar 2, 2006, 08:52 AM

Yeah, You are right about the not going out with my friends, but I guess that is cause I can't just leave her at home. You are also right about the age.

She is moving out today and I don't think I am going to call her at all for as long as I can. She still tells me she is unsure about this and thinks she may be doing the wrong thing. But hey, I am allowed to be in love with the woman I have been with for years right. And it hurts when they leave, that is why I sound possesive. I never feel this much, for any reason. I am a very non-emotional person, but this kills me. Eitherway, I am going to 'punish' her for leaving by not talking to her. I hope she hates herself, lol.

w/e - Go have some rebound sex, jk.

Peace.

jc105 · Mar 2, 2006, 09:05 AM

I just wanted to get something else out on that same topic.

You are right about my girlfriend feeling trapped. She told me since she has decided to leave that now she can do some of the things that she doesn't feel she can do with me around. I asked her if she felt like I restricted her and she said no. She is VERY clingy to me, or at least was, and I am sure she has caused some of the problem herself. She restricts herself to me.

So I have to let you know that the possesive-ness goes bothways and I do feel we kind of hindered our relationship by living together. We have agreed on that and all I can do is look past her now. Unless she comes crawling back...

Wildcat21 · Mar 2, 2006, 09:06 AM

"but I guess that is cause I can't just leave her at home." - YES YOU CAN AND YOU HAVE TO!! It's called giving someone sapce. NOT smothering them.

Oh, she's sure at what she's doing - by being there for all the time and in her face you lowered her interest too much.

Sorry to say this - but I wonder who the new guy is? Most gals go from guy to guy.

You're not a challenege to her. You completely surrendered to her and women HATE that. She needs the feeling that there is a chance you will leave. She needs mystery, she needs to miss you sometimes (like when you are with your friends).

I think you have this whole thing a little wrong. Learn from this, cause I don't think she's coming back.