[Sadheart]

I am really in a difficult situation at the moment, and have come here for some advice.
I was with my fiancée for 6 years and he broke up with me almost two months ago. He told me that he had met someone else. I am just devastated, he is the love of my life and I want a future with him. We had a few problems (mainly family interferring) during our relationship, but nothing so major that I thought he would just leave.

Anyway, I found out that he had been seeing this new girl for two weeks before he left me. He is happily running around with this new girl, and seems to have completely forgotten about me and the history we had together. He says that he is in love with her and is happy. How can he love someone he's only just met?? He's already introduced her to all his family and it just makes me feel sick inside. They all seem to be falling in love with her, but what about me? I feel like just because he is happy in the arms with someone else now, it is clouding his judgment and he is not thinking clearly about what he is leaving behind and what he really wants.

I have started the no contact, but he has rung me and emailed me throughout the past few weeks, mainly just to see how I am. The last time I spoke to him was four days ago, and I tried to sound happy and upbeat so that he didn't think I was sad without him (even though I am). I said that I want to be friends in the future and I don't hate him. I still love him. I told him to take care and to keep in touch. My question is, did I do the right thing? I haven't heard from him now for four days, and I'm scared now that he thinks I'm okay, it gives him the go ahead to go off with this new girl and get more serious with her. I feel like the longer I leave no contact with him, the deeper he is going to get in his new relationship. It feels like as each day goes by, the more he falls in love with someone else, and it makes me feel worse, like I have to do something to prove my love for him sooner rather than later, before I lose him forever. What can I do?

I'm really afraid that I have lost him for good. I want more than anything to ring him, see him and ask him to give us another chance, but how do I know if it is too late? He seems to have just been able to forget about our 6 years together, while I'm the one left to pick up the pieces of my broken heart. I really know we could make things work this time, I know what needs to be fixed, but how can I if he won't give me the chance? Do you think he will come back to me?

Oh, and two weeks after he left, one night he called and left a message, saying that he wanted to see me and wanted to talk about a few things. He sounded really upset. I asked him about it later and he said, don't worry about it. I know he was going to give us another go, and I'm kicking myself now that I wasn't available to take the call!

Please someone give me some advice, but don't be mean because my heart is already broken. I have tried moving on, but I just can't walk away from such a long time with someone without trying to make it work. :(

[jrebel7]

I am sad that your heart has been broken. What you are feeling is fairly common in that the one who is hurt, feels there is someway to fix what is broken, while the other party moved on emotionally prior to leaving physically. It was unfair of him to begin seeing someone prior to breaking up with you.

No one can say for sure if you and he can ever get back together. After the hurt he has caused you, you might not want him back if he did come back. You might not know that until that time however. Right now, you are just remembering this past you don't want to let go of at the present time.

You say you can't walk away but yet he already has. You will go through phases of grief over this loss similar to those phases one goes through when we lose one we love by death. One difference here is that he cheated on you. Do you think you could ever trust him again if you did get back together?

You are leaving the door open to be hurt further by telling him "I don't hate him. I still love him. I told him to take care and to keep in touch." The ball is in his court then to get back with you and so he feels fairly secure since you told him you still love him that he doesn't have to keep in touch that often and you will still be there waiting.

It is a step by step process. Did you live together for six years? Check into the laws where you live concerning "Common Law Marriage". Just a thought... too soon right now but a thought for later when this sadness and hurt dissipates.

I understand you feel sick and sick at heart. This kind of pain feels as if it will never go away but it will and the sooner you begin putting this behind you, the quicker your life will move forward.

I wish you well. I know this doesn't answer your questions exactly but hope just knowing other people go through these times and come out with better than they had before helps somewhat. Right now he is like a little boy with a new toy. The newness will wear off at some point and if he still loves you, he may try to come back. The question is:

If he does, are you sure you want him back after he treated you with this disrespect?

I am not trying to add to your hurt in anyway Sadheart! You will find many kind and supportive friends on this site. Keep checking back and you will find encouragement you never knew was out here for you. When you hurt, write on this site, when you think you can't stand not writing or not calling him, write here on the site. Vent, cry, scream but just let the hurt go before it devours you.

You sound level headed but even so... pain in the heart is difficult. It will pass. It is too soon I know for you to feel this to be true but it is. Please keep posting. We will keep answering!

[JBeaucaire]

Wow, harsh stuff. Worse, you still think like someone in a relationship, so regardless of the wrong he has done you, you sound perfectly ready to ignore it and jump back on him.

That is unfortunate on so many levels. Understandable, mind you, just unfortunate.

First, YES, he can love one someone he just met. Love is not intentional. You don't DO much of anything to fall in love. Those feelings of attraction, even love pangs, happen to everyone their entire life. So, dear, stop romanticizing this part of the story. Even YOUR love for each other was mostly automatic and didn't reflect much of your 6-year story.

So, YES, love can come quickly. Which means YES, love feelings can change. Probably didn't happen overnight, but 6 years without a wedding means no castle walls were ever built around you two to fend off these other feelings, and you need to take responsibility for that part of the reality.

REALITY - He broke up with you. That means all the pain is on your head. He didn't ask your permission, he dated behind your back, found a responsive person he had feelings for... and jumped ship. This is the part you have to keep your focus on. NOT YOUR FEELINGS nor HIS feelings over the past 6 years.

With no blood oath marriage bond to protect your relationship, he broke ranks. That means as far as he's concerned, that's the most secure you can ever expect from him. Even if manage to get him back, he has shown his colors as far as you're concerned.

His actions represent TRUTH. Ignore that at your own permanent peril. Forgive him, definitely, but forget these... never! You DO need to get over what he did, but you need to do that for you, not to get him back.

6 years is too long to play around like that. You need to keep your next relationship moving smoothly through the commitment stages up to and THROUGH getting married... a process best suited 20-30 months. Less, and you may not really know what you're getting, longer... well, you see what can happen there, eh?

Sorry for your loss. Please forgive him. Please don't be fooled by his words ever again. Please take your new wisdom into your next relationship. Please let the next relationship happen soon. You deserve it.

FINAL WARNING - Yes his feelings for you may still be there on some level. This only means he may ready to cheat on his new girl with you occasionally, something that almost happened once. Remember, you now know who he is. He isn't what you remember and love, he is what he DID. Courting you back should be viewed in that new clear reality, more of him just serving him.

You don't deserve that, but you can fall back into his grasp. Make sure you're willing to live what all that means now. He's shown you.

[miller3]

At some point whether it's the next day or next month he will come to realize he made a mistake. It seems things are moving fast for him and he has not had time to really thing about his actions. Let him go he will come back. 2 months into another relationship with another girl, I would not worry.

[wezziebabii28]

Look this how I feel if he broke your heart then he isn't good enough for you and you did nothing look this what you got to do swettie is let him go your allways going to feel love for him but if he wants to be a self centered prick then him yea diiggg

[sully123]

I am sure you are hurt and devastated, that is normal. Honestly, we all go through this and get hurt, but you get stronger, and your more careful next time. He did you a fabor but you can't see it now, he honestly didn't love you, you thought he did, but this is the real him.. Thank God you didn't get married.. and good luck

[Chery]

My dear. You've gotten some great advice already and I have no intention whatsoever of being 'mean'. But it's time for you to look at some hard facts.
Fiancée of 6 years?? What were the reasons for such a long engagement - besides the greatest excuse of 'family'?

No matter what you do now, you will not get him back - and even if you do, you'll no longer be able to trust him so you'll be unhappy in the end. Is this what you really want?

I hope you read the three initial stickies in the Relationship section and that you'll start realizing that you are not alone and that the sooner you get over this chapter in your life, the better. I know it hurst and it will take time, lots of time, to heal, but you need to start taking that first step.
He is rubbing this other girl right under your nose and has written you off. Now, it's time for you to get mad, cry, vent, and tell yourself that you can make it on your own. You don't need to be hurt further by him or your fantasy of getting your only love back - it will not happen.

Again, you are not the only one this has happened to, and it hurts like heck. But we will be here to help you take the steps you need to take to become an independent, self-respecting person who deserves to be treated with respect and not just like a toy to put in the closet because a better one is on the market.

So, make your lists of pros and cons.. how he's treated you within the last 6 months - and why you had blinders on all this time. Go out and see friends and keep busy - make the subject of 'him' taboo for all, and start thinking of other goals to set for yourself that you put on hold for this relationship.
I hope that your healing process does not take too long, but again, we'll be here to help, so stay with us.

[Chery]

Wow, harsh stuff. Worse, you still think like someone in a relationship, so regardless of the wrong he has done you, you sound perfectly ready to ignore it and jump back on him.

That is unfortunate on so many levels. Understandable, mind you, just unfortunate.

First, YES, he can love one someone he just met. Love is not intentional. You don't DO much of anything to fall in love. Those feelings of attraction, even love pangs, happen to everyone their entire life. So, dear, stop romanticizing this part of the story. Even YOUR love for each other was mostly automatic and didn't reflect much of your 6-year story.

So, YES, love can come quickly. Which means YES, love feelings can change. Probably didn't happen overnight, but 6 years without a wedding means no castle walls were ever built around you two to fend off these other feelings, and you need to take responsibility for that part of the reality.

REALITY - He broke up with you. That means all the pain is on your head. He didn't ask your permission, he dated behind your back, found a responsive person he had feelings for...and jumped ship. This is the part you have to keep your focus on. NOT YOUR FEELINGS nor HIS feelings over the past 6 years.

With no blood oath marriage bond to protect your relationship, he broke ranks. That means as far as he's concerned, that's the most secure you can ever expect from him. Even if manage to get him back, he has shown his colors as far as you're concerned.

His actions represent TRUTH. Ignore that at your own permanent peril. Forgive him, definitely, but forget these...never! You DO need to get over what he did, but you need to do that for you, not to get him back.

6 years is too long to play around like that. You need to keep your next relationship moving smoothly through the commitment stages up to and THROUGH getting married...a process best suited 20-30 months. Less, and you may not really know what you're getting, longer...well, you see what can happen there, eh?

Sorry for your loss. Please forgive him. Please don't be fooled by his words ever again. Please take your new wisdom into your next relationship. Please let the next relationship happen soon. You deserve it.

FINAL WARNING - Yes his feelings for you may still be there on some level. This only means he may ready to cheat on his new girl with you occasionally, something that almost happened once. Remember, you now know who he is. He isn't what you remember and love, he is what he DID. Courting you back should be viewed in that new clear reality, more of him just serving him.

You don't deserve that, but you can fall back into his grasp. Make sure you're willing to live what all that means now. He's shown you.

HAD TO SPREAD THE RATING AGAIN - BUT THIS IS 100% RIGHT...
And imagine the price you'd have to pay to get the same from going to therapy. You can't get better advice at any other site either!

[Sadheart]

Thank you to everyone who replied to my post. I guess I thought I would be over him by now, as it's been nearly 2 months. Maybe I am being a bit hard on myself, but some days are just unbearable. I just have to get used to the fact that he is not going to be in my life anymore. I thought I could be friends with him, but it's just too hard :(

I am so glad I have found this site though. There are a lot of tips and it is reassuring to know that other people are going through a similar situation.

Does it really get any easier once you have lost your love and best friend? Does the pain ever fade? How do you learn to trust someone again after you have been betrayed so badly?

I just wish the ache in my heart would go away. :(

[talaniman]

After 6 years it will probably take longer than a few months to really be comfortable. Click on the links in my signature, for some good suggestions on how to move on after a break up. You are not alone. When you have healed, I doubt you will ever want to be friends with this cheater.

[Chery]

Thank you to everyone who replied to my post. I guess I thought I would be over him by now, as it's been nearly 2 months. Maybe I am being a bit hard on myself, but some days are just unbearable. I just have to get used to the fact that he is not going to be in my life anymore. I thought I could be friends with him, but it's just too hard :(

I am so glad I have found this site though. There are a lot of tips and it is reassuring to know that other people are going through a similar situation.

Does it really get any easier once you have lost your love and best friend? Does the pain ever fade? How do you learn to trust someone again after you have been betrayed so badly?

I just wish the ache in my heart would go away. :(

In due time, it will fade and your life will continue along. You will start setting new goals for yourself and regain your pride in who you are and what you've achieved. Just like a child who learns how to stand and walk, it takes time and practice - and never giving up.

We'll be here for you.

[Zoeyxoxo]

Sadheart:

I have a very similar situation going on right now. I had been in a relationship for eleven and half years. First five was dating and then nearly six years engaged. This man had me give up everything... my job, my home, friends etc. to move in together in the U.S. until we were to be married shortly after. That was four years ago. He kept coming up with excuse after excuse not to get married... just wasn't the right time or some other lame excuse. I choose to turn a blind eye to what was reality. He never wanted to get married in the first place. He misled me for all of those years with broken promises. Every time he came up with a date he found another excuse to pospone it. It was my fault for not leaving him sooner. But I do not want to dwell on the negative... not a healthy way for the healing process which I am going through right now. It has been only three weeks since I left... he finally ended it and asked me to leave. I left with nothing but my clothes and my dog. I am just now finding out from mutual friends that he never intended on marrying me ever... which hurts and is a blow to my ego. Rejection is a aweful feeling. He has since moved on with his newfound single life and enjoying himself while I go through the grief and sadness. I am angry, hurt, resentful, etc. I am now realizing that I have two choices: A.-wallow in self pity or B.-move on with my life... I think I will choice B!! He obviously never loved me. But I am taking one day at a time. That is all you and I can do. Keep busy with other things in your life. This is a time where you can "throw" yourself into hobbies or anything else you have put off because of all your precious time you invested in a hopeless relationship. I believe I will come out of this a much stronger person and so will you. I have started therapy just to deal with my feelings and that is a good thing. Would I ever take him back? Never. The trust was broken. How could I possilby regain the trust back after what he has done. I hope that I have helped in any way. I will definitely keep posting updates on this site because if I can help anyone else going through the same thing I am than I will at least have some peace. Last word of advice; Have faith in God. I am not a "over the top" religious person but I have looked and prayed to him for strength, wisdom, guidance and love.

[Zoeyxoxo]

Sadheart: One more word of advice: NO CONTACT. No emails, texting, phone calls or seeing each other in familiar places. You will get over this much faster by just following the NO CONTACT RULE. Easier said then done but I have many family and friends suggest this to me. You really don't want to know what is going on with him and another woman... just too hurful. I hope I have helped you.:)

[Gemini54]

This post is over a year old.