[Emmaaquarius]

My mother-in-law is trying to move in into our one-bedroom flat together with her 24 yr old daughter, a BIG dog,a cat and fish! Our flat is comfortable for just the two of us! I am trying to make my husband see that it is not possible. She's been painting us a picture that it's only for a year and she and her baggage will alternate between her staying one week at her mums and one week over at ours for 12 months while she and her 24 yr old daughter tries to get a job. She wants to keep the money she will be earning from selling her current house and thinks that if she doesn't buy or rent for at least a year she can have more money. She doesn't work and has been pouncing off her children's money ever since my husband started working.
I am on the edge at the moment because my husband keeps trying to make everything work but I told him she is no longer his responsibility in this sense!
I told my mother-in-law, hinting to her this is not a possibility. I told my husband imagine after coming home from work and when all you want to do is unwind, you'll have to face all of them.
I can see this is going to give me a heart attack or a mental breakdown. I think it's so disgusting of her to let a young couple be faced with this option! We're in our twenties and are newly married. To top it all, she already owes my husband 20 grand! He thinks he could get this off her..
I know a mother will always be a mother to a child but surely if the mother is in the wrong you need to tell her to face the facts? I need advise on how to approach this logically with my husband without losing my cool. I am even putting aside the fact that I do want to have dogs in my house. I have never been close to one for 20yrs and was only friendly to her dog because it's hers. I am not cruel to animals but I don't want them in my house because I will feel the house will never be hygienic enough. It's it too much to ask someone to respect your decision?

[bushg]

Simply put she seems like a moocher and you need to continue to stand your ground.
If you are renting how would you landlord feel about you all allowing so many people to move in to a small apartment. Maybe you could use that as an excuse if you don't want to be at war with her.

[simoneaugie]

This is perhaps the just one of the many times your mother in law will attempt to use her son. She already has, for money. Tell him how you feel. Let him know that you know he has ties to his mum. But, this is your life, your home, your sanity.

She will find her way just fine without moving in with you. Your husband knows that too. You marriage is more important than allowing such a situation to evolve. You and your husband need to really talk about this and stick together as a team.

No, she and her adult daughter cannot move into a one bedroom flat with a large dog etc. There is not enough room!

[liz28]

Your mother in law has a lot of nerves. I can see if it was an emergency but she wants to get over. I could even see if she said for @ least one month but a year, come on. It don't take that long to get on your feet and your husband should back you, but he might feel gulity because its his mother but she should not want even put your in a blind because your only have a 1 bedroom and then she wants to bring her pets, not 1 but 2 where does the respect for your marriage come in Let her find a place on her own I mean can she use the money with the sell of her house? Make your husband take a stand against her and not to let her use him. Good Luck!

[Fr_Chuck]

First this is most likely illegal and against zoning laws and rules.

Next it should not be allowed to happen under any reason, Just tell your husband NO, that she can not and you will not hear another word about it.

[startover22]

I agree with Chuck, tell him no and if he doesn't then you know he can't be a man and stand up for you and your relationship. This is a dead deal, a no go, no way out of her mind NO!

[kp2171]

She's not the only one that needs to grow up... your husband needs a backbone too!

So she owes him 20k... OK. Maybe that's the price you pay for your sanity and your marriage. Maybe its worth walking away from that to buy some sanity.

Normally I'm willing to say concessions should be made within reason to help out family when you can... and helping out family in need of housing is something id bend over backward to do, especially for a parent in need... but this isn't about housing.

This is about control.

Sorry you are being tested so early. The first few years of a marriage actually can be tougher than others... honeymoon period or not... the last thing you need is other bodies in your space to make it worse.

So... time for you to take the nice gloves off. Tell him to forgive the 20K, if that's what it takes, and tell him its time to stop being an enabler. There will be no peace for you, or him, if he allows this... and perhaps tell him if they move in, you move out.

Just don't make threats you can't keep. I don't like ultimatums, but this is a big problem... and if he doesn't show a backbone now, I'm thinking that he's not the man you need him to be. And tell him that if he agrees to not letting her stay, that it's the decision you both agree to... not yours. I'm sure you will get all kinds of flack for this and he will hear from her over and over how disrespectful you are.

OK.

Time to see what he is made of. Stop making it about her... this is about him.

[Emmaaquarius]

Thank you all so much! Wish me luck! The FAMILY talk is today! I shall update all of you in this post.
It's been really hard to swallow your dinner with this problem in your head. But all the sound advise I've received from each one of you helps me realise it's not me that going mad.

[startover22]

GOOD LUCK at dinner! Like kp2171 said, we will see if your husband gets this all right! ;) You are not going mad, I would feel the same way in your position as many of us would. Good luck tonight!

[Alty]

Wow, the nerve of some people. We had a friend stay with us for 1 1/2 years, he never even asked if he could, he just came for a weekend visit and didn't leave. He didn't pay toward the costs of the house, the food, nothing, we finally had enough and told him to get out.

If this is allowed to happen then you'll never get rid of her, this is your home too, not just your husbands, stand tall and tell him how you feel.

Good Luck.

[Emmaaquarius]

Hi everybody!
Right, so we had dinner at my place and all. After which, my husband asked her, so what's the plan then? She then said,
'oh I think I will have to rent won't I? Cause really, I am not sure how this will work because my own mother just told me she doesn't me in the house! My dad said nothing so he must have agreed with her'
I was so relieved I was trying not to burst out into a silly dance! To top it all! My husband then said to her,
'Yeah, honestly, I don't know how are we going to cramp everyone in here with the dog and the cat.'
She had the cheek to say ' Oh but it would have been comfy'
'No, I don't think so. There's no room for the for that many adults. Plus if we have the dog here, most of the neighbours works different shifts and that means your dog cannot bark at all' I said.
In summary, I was glad, I spoke to my husband about this. I was proud of the fact that I wasn't in tears when we were discussing. I told him that this is not normal. She just needs his monetary help and nothing else. She's told him to shut up every time he gives her advise and suggestions! She does that in front of me as well!
His mother has now made the 24 yr old daughter run a small business with her. I am sure the daughter is aware that she is now the scapegoat of the family that now needs to provide monetary help to her mother. But that will be another battle for another day eh?
It is so hard to tell my husband what I think of his mother. I agreed with him when he thinks I resent her but he could not argue back when I said I resent her for taking all his earnings from him which is wrong.My husband finally agreed with me that what his mother's been doing is wrong. I of course then said, the only reason she does this is because she thinks you have got no backbone. He went quiet. I reminded him that like him, I also have parents. Whilst my parents will tell me to deal with my own issues as I am a grown married woman, my mother will not hesitate to ring up my mother in law and tell her where to go. (At this part, I can see that my husband realised this as well.)
At the end of the 2 hour discussion with my husband, he's told me he is aware of his priorities and he has indeed told her many a times, he cannot help her anymore.
He now seems more ready to challenge her when she tries to order him around because he knows he's got my backing.
It's not all resolved but I think I am getting through my husband. I know it's hard when it's your own mother, but I think she's taking the royal piss now and I rather nip this in the bud before it's too late.
To each and everyone of you who have kindly written your opinions albeit suggestions, I really want you to know how much I appreciate it. It's rare that I find genuine advise from websites and all of you have actually given me strength.
I will be blatantly honest and will let you all know that the night before I stumbled across this website, I was really afraid I was slipping into depression as I couldn't stop tearing (when I wasn't even thinking about anything.) I couldn't sleep, I couldn't swallow my food I was just constantly worried.
Thank you for being honest with me. You may all be strangers but you've helped a soul find her strength.


Kind Regards,
Emma E.

[startover22]

Emma!! Wow, this is fantastik! Nice, it all worked out! I am so happy for you and you stood your ground, how good does that feel. You are strong, you are a woman who knew something wasn't right, your hubby even did an OK job saying what he needed to, there was no argument needed, and really with a woman like that you just can't win one anyway:) Hugs to you Emma!