[Rockstar714]

So I've been with my boyfriend for a little over 6 months and we were best friends for about a year before that.

I adore him completely. He's the nicest most generous person the world.

However, he has some serious issues, which is why I had reservations about getting together with him in the first place.

1. He doesn't have a very strong relationship with his dad or his sister, and anything they say to him (which usually isn't very nice) takes a toll on him. He doesn't stand up for himself and just takes it, but then it gets to him and he's upset for days. Which I have to deal with. I keep trying to tell him either do something about it or block it out, but that doesn't help, he just talks about suicide or moving to another state.

2. He doesn't have many friends anymore due to his psycho ex blabbing untrue things about him to everyone he knows, so this also upsets him to the point of not talking and just whining about it (especially if I can't hang out with him).

3. When I am not around he texts me all the time, which is fine, I don't mind. But if I'm not around his texts consist of "I'm lonely", "I wish you were here", "I'm so bored", "I'm unhappy, I want to move away". I told him that the only person that can make him happy is himself, and it comes from the inside (and I've been telling him this since we met because when he was single he would always say "I need a gf to be happy")

So my question is this: Is there anything that I can possibly say or do to make him realize that he has to make himself happy, besides saying just that? (which I've done)

I'm honestly at my wits end. I'm a very happy independent person, and while I love him sometimes I don't know how much more I can take.

[plonak]

He needs to get counsiling to help with his self esteem.. I'm sorry for your frustration.. maybe you could sit him down and communicate what you're feeling, holding nothing back, he seems like the kind of person who needs sympathy and is very co dependent.. suggest telling him he needs to work on his problems so you guys can have a healthy relationship.. it's definitely not healthy now

[Rockstar714]

I completely agree. Cos I feel like I can't do anything because I feel like he's projecting all of these feelings onto me. I'm fine with him saying how he feels about it, but its all the time. And when he says "I'm not happy" I just feel that includes me too... Thanks plonak!

[JBeaucaire]

That you can so eloquently list his issues and do so without a lot of vitriol is great to see. Very refreshing, and very promising for you in terms of your search for ultimate happiness in a relationship. You seem to be paying attention. Good for you.

Now the hard part. You've reached that uncomfortable point in your dating relationship that the "real him" is clearer to see. Again, you seem to be seeing him clearly, so the ball right now is actually in your court.

That you like this guy enough to date for 6 months is great, but it's no foundation.

That you adore him completely is sweet, and also no foundation.

You have reached the point where you are trying to discern if the guy you like and have spent all this time with is actually someone you can commit to "forsaking all others". The hard part here is that you really have to be able to make that leap with all those issues you've listed UNRESOLVED.

Guys can change, they just usually don't. We are pretty consistent critters overall. And after dating 6 months you are ready to start making actual judgements. Either you two are compatible long term, or you're not. You have to decide this above your feelings and then go with your decision.

He can get help, but he may not. He might get better on his own, but he probably won't. If everything else about the two of you equals a strong enough bond to be with him and these issues forever, then go for it.

But make sure you actually accept these shortcomings and don't punish him later for not improving.

[talaniman]

1. He doesn't have a very strong relationship with his dad or his sister,

Sounds very dysfuntional.

2. He doesn't have many friends anymore due to his psycho ex blabbing untrue things about him

They must not be real friends, and it's a sign of how isolated he is.

3. When I am not around he texts me all the time, which is fine, I don't mind

Even you must see that you're his only link with something, and I'm sorry, he really sounds dependent on you, in a rather unhealthy way. You sound so sincere and caring, and I know you want to really help him. ALL you can do is guide him to someone who can really help, and support him. I don't think you have the skills or expertise, and he does need help.

[bigbird213]

You sound very well rounded and intelligent about the whole situation so I'm sure you are aware of the many situations where a girl dates a guy because she wants to "fix" him. If you aware of these types of relationships, I'm sure you are always aware of how these relationships generally turn out -- not good.

Now it sounds that you truly care for him, and if you do that might be your reason for wanting to fix/help him. The problem is that he will never be helped if he doesn't want to help himself. You didn't mention much about his willingness to get help or try to improve himself.

From what you write it sounds as though he is very dependent. In the long term, that can be a real strain on not only your relationship, but your life in general. Have you tried to sit him down and talk to him about counseling? Maybe that would be a start?

[W1SDOM]

He is responsible for his own happiness (Which you already said.. ) So you must let him provide for himself. Advise a therapist for him? Perhaps...

[mustard_seed]

All the advice above sounds great but YOU have to look out for yourself. This guy may be damaged in ways that are not aware of. Listen, if you leave him now who has he got? Web search you city/town for a support group. Go with him to support him AS A FRIEND. The relationship needs to take a back seat while he heals to clear his head.

I feel really bad for him--I can relate to his suffering. I will be honest enough to tell you I had to step away from my family to get peace. I was willing to change--they were not. It's hard to have a discussion with they very people you have ongoing messy connection to. Good luck to you both!

[Chery]

That you can so eloquently list his issues and do so without a lot of vitriol is great to see. Very refreshing, and very promising for you in terms of your search for ultimate happiness in a relationship. You seem to be paying attention. Good for you.

Now the hard part. You've reached that uncomfortable point in your dating relationship that the "real him" is clearer to see. Again, you seem to be seeing him clearly, so the ball right now is actually in your court.

That you like this guy enough to date for 6 months is great, but it's no foundation.

That you adore him completely is sweet, and also no foundation.

You have reached the point where you are trying to discern if the guy you like and have spent all this time with is actually someone you can commit to "forsaking all others". The hard part here is that you really have to be able to make that leap with all those issues you've listed UNRESOLVED.

Guys can change, they just usually don't. We are pretty consistent critters overall. And after dating 6 months you are ready to start making actual judgements. Either you two are compatible long term, or you're not. You have to decide this above your feelings and then go with your decision.

He can get help, but he may not. He might get better on his own, but he probably won't. If everything else about the two of you equals a strong enough bond to be with him and these issues forever, then go for it.

But make sure you actually accept these shortcomings and don't punish him later for not improving.

Had to spread it, BJ..
Where were you when I was young and in need of advice?

Rockstar.. you have such a warm heart and such patience. I'm not sure this is the right one for you - he is needy, clingy, and insecure. You will not change him, no matter how much time and effort you invest. He needs professional help and if he refuses, then I'm sorry to say, you are wasting valuable time with someone who does not want to change.

No matter how much you care for someone, please don't forget yourself! Do not let him take center stage in your universe as he will only drag you down. You deserve better.

[JBeaucaire]

Had to spread it, JB.
Where were you when I was young and in need of advice?

I've been waiting... all along. <grin> So you approve of my observations?

[Chery]

I've been waiting...all along. <grin> So you approve of my observations?

Your observations and advice are very keen and helpful. Glad to be on this site with you and Talaniman and hope those who ask for our advice value it as much as I do.

[mustard_seed]

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[Chery]

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Dear mustard_seed. I'm a little confused here. Are you sure you posted this to the appropriate thread? She is not married to him and only has dated him for six months. This is good advice for those married who have lost the spark and for those who show 'willingness' to work at what they had to keep it.

Maybe it's just a confusing day for me...

[Rockstar714]

Thanks to everyone for your advice!

I've suggested counseling, he says he doesn't have the money because his insurance hasn't kicked in yet. He feels like a burden to his family and refuses to speak to them.

I'm not by any means trying to fix him, I know that someone cannot be fixed unless they want to do it. I'm just not sure what to do.

He doesn't handle change well (or at all, rather) which is a red flag to me because if he doesn't handle small changes (like moving a couple blocks away and switching companies to work for (same job, different company)), how will he handle major life changes like marriage and kids and changing careers and things like that?

Part of me wants to say because when he's in a good mood I do love being around him. Its just the last couple of weeks that he's been in a really bad mood (he says its because of his family and his job) and I feel like I have to walk on eggshells around him. I can disconnect when I'm not around him, so (thankfully) I'm one of those girls that has a life and a world that doesn't revolve around her boyfriend. I have friends and hobbies and I'm relatively content with my life. I just wish he was with his. He needs someone to entertain him constantly, because he's been babied his whole life, and I can't do that, because I have a life.

Part of me wants to leave because the inability to accept change, the mood swings, the inability to keep himself busy (with friends or hobbies or anything) and his constantly wanting to be around me are red flags to me.

I'm so confused...

[talaniman]

Part of me wants to leave because the inability to accept change, the mood swings, the inability to keep himself busy (with friends or hobbies or anything) and his constantly wanting to be around me are red flags to me.

It bodes well you are seeing this preview of life with him. Back away from this situation, ALL the way away. Hard to do I know, but for the best in the long run. If your life is well balanced, and your not dependent on him, so much the better.

[Rockstar714]

I just worry because he says I'm all he has. He is very dependent. He compares me to his exs because they moved in at 2 months, they cheated on him at 4 months and he's so worried that I'm going to do the same thing.

I don't want him to go do something stupid because I leave. And I know that's not a reason to stay, but I'm not sure what his depression level makes him capable of.

[talaniman]

That ain't your business any more.

[Rockstar714]

Yeah, very true.

[Chery]

Honey, please stop worrying about him. He is insecure and clings. He compares his past experiences - and that to me is blackmail - plain and simple.

He stays away from his family because he know they see him for what he is - no matter what he tells you.

As far as his 'depression level' - this should not be your concern. If he really wants help to change his ways, he'll find a way to get it without expecting you to stick with him until he does get help. If he respects you he will work on himself and not burden you with all his insecurities.

Talaniman is right - you should get away from him and live your own life.

If he is serious about wanting to change for himself (not just you), then he will do it. If he does not feel the need to change, he will find someone else to cling to - and that is not your worry. He will not do anything stupid, he thrives on being the 'poor and helpless little boy' and men like him will always find a willing victim to tend to him. Just make sure it's not you.

I bet if you talked to any of his ex girlfriends, they will not tell you anything new about him - he probably has a history of being just what he is. Please don't let him drag you down to his level. You deserve better.