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granz0210 · Apr 30, 2008, 07:47 PM

My wife and I have been married for a little over 7 years now and we have a great 5 year old daughter together. I have been unhappy now for probably about 4 years. I love My daughter more than anything in the world and would do anything for her which is why I think I have stayed. My wife still loves me she says but I don't feel any connection to her, physically or emotionally. I guess my question is, is it right for me to put myself first and leave my wife even though my daughter would be invovled or do I stay for her sake and just go on the way I have been?

I also fear that my daughters life will be turned upside down because we would most likely have to sell our house and I fell bad not only for my daughter but for my wife. I don't want to hrt her but I also think I deserve to be happy, am I wrong? We tried counseling but I just don't have those kind of feelings for her anymore. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

I would like to amend my post to say one I have had counseling on my own and I did not seem to find any good answers to why I fell in love with her or why I fell out of love. I do care about her and don't wish her harm and I don't see her as just a mother but I am also not physically or emotionally attached to her. We are not intimate and that has been an issue which we tried to work on but it is definitely not the reason. We got married at 21 and I don't think either of us were ready. She is a good mom. I just don't have an attraction to her, I hate to say it but I don't like to be around her a lot, I am happy when she has something to do that doesn't involve me and I like when I have to work weekends. It is bad to say but I feel happier when I am not around her.
There have been a lot of other things like the fact that she does not like my family and we rarely ever get to see them even at holidays even though they live in the same town. But I don't want to give reasons I am just asking for advice. If I do want to leave or I decide that What is the best way to go about doing that?

starbuck8 · Apr 30, 2008, 08:23 PM

May I ask if there was something that happened in particular, for you not to have the same feelings anymore? Have you BOTH tried everything possible to fix what might be wrong? I assume that you still really do care for her because you've said that you don't want her to be hurt, as well as your daughter of course.

Could it be that since you've had your little girl, that she seems more like a mom than a wife?

If you have tried everything, and it just isn't working, I don't think you should stay in the relationship if you're not happy. Your daughter will pick up on that. If she grows up seeing that her parents are not happy together,. she might think that's how Mom's and Dad's are suppose to act.

I think it's better to be from a so-called "broken home", than to live in one where there is no love and affection between you and your wife. It's sad for your little girl, but she would probably rather see you happy apart, than miserable together!

450donn · May 1, 2008, 07:28 AM

I think YOU need to sit down and reevaluate your life in general. What caused you to not like her anymore? Maybe some professional help is called for to help you understand why you fell in love in the first place.

granz0210 · May 1, 2008, 07:47 AM

I would like to amend my post to say one I have had counseling on my own and I did not seem to find any good answers to why I fell in love with her or why I fell out of love. I do care about her and don't wish her harm and I don't see her as just a mother but I am also not physically or emotionally attached to her. We are not intimate and that has been an issue which we tried to work on but it is definitely not the reason. We got married at 21 and I don't think either of us were ready. She is a good mom. I just don't have an attraction to her, I hate to say it but I don't like to be around her a lot, I am happy when she has something to do that doesn't involve me and I like when I have to work weekends. It is bad to say but I feel happier when I am not around her.
There have been a lot of other things like the fact that she does not like my family and we rarely ever get to see them even at holidays even though they live in the same town. But I don't want to give reasons I am just asking for advice. If I do want to leave or I decide that What is the best way to go about doing that?

Handyman2007 · May 1, 2008, 09:45 AM

This is a tough one. In the end, someone is going to be hurt. It is a terrible feeling to be with someone and not to be "with" that person, if you know what I mean. This is only my opinion - I would suggest a separation. Give yourself some distance from the everyday stress of being with your partner. It will give you a chance to think.
PLEASE_ Talk to a professional before making that decision.

450donn · May 1, 2008, 10:25 AM

Can you sit down and make a list of ALL the reasons you wanted to marry her in the first place? What attracted you to her? I don't mean just the Sex part, I mean EVERYTHING. Then look you can look at what is not working now and focus on those areas. Rember, the only person hurt in a divorce is the children.

N0help4u · May 1, 2008, 03:47 PM

Not only make a list of all the reasons you wanted to marry her and her good qualities but also maybe do a list of things you feel are wrong with the relationship and what you would do to go about them different. For example, it bothers you that she does not want to go to your families. So you restructure things where you and your daughter go and visit.
I think it could really hurt your daughter and confuse her and make her grow up a very different person if you break your family up. Think of ways to restructure -maybe even ways to fall back in love with her.

starbuck8 · May 2, 2008, 05:07 AM

First let me say that I'm 100% for families staying together. I would do everything necessary to try and work things out with your wife, and like it was said above, try and go back and remember the things that first made you fall in love with her.

If after you have done all the work, and exhausted all other options, and you still don't feel like you can make it a loving marriage, then the best thing for all of you, is for you to split up so you can all be happy and healthy apart. Three lives are in the mix. I'm sure your wife wouldn't want to spend years of her life knowing that you don't love her, and vice versa. Your daughter will end up living in an unhappy and unhealthy environment.

As long as you remain a constant, in your daughters life, and she sees that although Mom and Dad respect each other and get along well, she should be fine if it's handled carefully. It's never easy, but like I said before... I think your daughter deserves two happy parents, and not parents that stayed together unhappily, just for her sake.

JudyKayTee · May 3, 2008, 06:43 AM

Originally Posted by starbuck8

First let me say that I'm 100% for families staying together. I would do everything necessary to try and work things out with your wife, and like it was said above, try and go back and remember the things that first made you fall in love with her.

If after you have done all the work, and exhausted all other options, and you still don't feel like you can make it a loving marriage, then the best thing for all of you, is for you to split up so you can all be happy and healthy apart. Three lives are in the mix. I'm sure your wife wouldn't want to spend years of her life knowing that you don't love her, and vice versa. Your daughter will end up living in an unhappy and unhealthy environment.

As long as you remain a constant, in your daughters life, and she sees that although Mom and Dad respect each other and get along well, she should be fine if it's handled carefully. It's never easy, but like I said before...I think your daughter deserves two happy parents, and not parents that stayed together unhappily, just for her sake.

Got to agree - it is not good for a child to live with one (or two) unhappy parents who are staying together for the sake of the child.

Sometimes it doesn't work - you outgrow each other, who knows - but no one should live unhappy. I think you only live once - :D - and it isn't necessary or healthy to be unhappy.

bushg · May 3, 2008, 07:28 AM

I'm going to be a meanie and give you my point of view.You two brought this child into this world and it is your responsibility to suck it up and go to family counseling together or alone and get over the fact that she doesn't like your family and they don't like her and she is angry with them and you are angry with her and she is angry with you cause you don't stick up for her, sex isn't great or rare, the dishes are dirty, the grass isn't mowed, the car needs washed, she has a unibrow, you have nose hairs... get my point.

I see my husbands family sometimes and he never sees my family or rarely, but we have 3 children together and decided to work things out. We have had huge issues with each other and I have had huge issues with his family. But for the sake of our children we worked and worked on ourselves and our marriage. While we don't have the perfect marriage, but we have a pretty good one with plenty of love, honesty, understanding and are faithful to each other.

No one that we knew including both of our families or friends believed that we would ever work things out.

There were months that we were not attracted to each other maybe even years. Sometimes it would be him turned off or sometimes it would be me. We have been together for 20 + years and to be honest both of us at one point or the other stayed only because of the children. We don't have perfect kids but they are well rounded, honest hard working, rarely in trouble, participating members of society, individuals that have a strong, happy, hopeful outlook on life.

Having been raised in a broken home, I felt it was of the upmost importance to see that it did not happen to my children.

I'm sure that not everyone will agree with my point of view, but I feel like the universe, God, karma or whatever brought you two together for a reason and its up to you two to figure it out. The exception being, if your life is in jeopardy. Good Luck and I hope you find peace and happiness.

JudyKayTee · May 3, 2008, 07:47 AM

Originally Posted by bushg

I'm gonna be a meanie and give you my point of view.You two brought this child into this world and it is your responsibility to suck it up and go to family counseling together or alone and get over the fact that she doesn't like your family and they dont like her and she is angry with them and you are angry with her and she is angry with you cause you don't stick up for her, sex isn't great or rare, the dishes are dirty, the grass isn't mowed, the car needs washed, she has unibrow, you have nose hairs....get my point.

I see my husbands family sometimes and he never sees my family or rarely, but we have 3 children together and decided to work things out. We have had huge issues with each other and I have had huge issues with his family. But for the sake of our children we worked and worked on ourselves and our marriage. While we don't have the perfect marriage, but we have a pretty good one with plenty of love, honesty, understanding and are faithful to each other.

No one that we knew including both of our families or friends believed that we would ever work things out.

There were months that we were not attracted to each other maybe even years. Sometimes it would be him turned off or sometimes it would be me. We have been together for 20 + years and to be honest both of us at one point or the other stayed only because of the children. We don't have perfect kids but they are well rounded, honest hard working, rarely in trouble, participating members of society, individuals that have a strong, happy, hopeful outlook on life.

Having been raised in a broken home, I felt it was of the upmost importance to see that it did not happen to my children.

I'm sure that not everyone will agree with my point of view, but I feel like the universe, God, karma or whatever brought you two together for a reason and its up to you two to figure it out. The exception being, if your life is in jeoprady. Good Luck and I hope you find peace and happiness.

I don't think it's being meanie. You certainly are entitled to your opinion. I agree with some of what you have said, do not agree with other points you have made.

I don't want my husband to stay with me for the sake of the children so maybe that's what it boils down to in my mind - I also wonder if the children sense this, if there is arguing in the house.

And I do think it's possible to outgrow each other - if you marry young you either grow together or grow apart.

granz0210 · May 4, 2008, 04:51 PM

Thank you all for your help. I would like to ask the women how would it make it easier for you to hear that your husband wants a divorce?

JudyKayTee · May 4, 2008, 07:14 PM

Originally Posted by granz0210

Thank you all for your help. I would like to ask the women how would it make it easier for you to hear that your husband wants a divorce?

I think an honest, "I don't want to be married to you any longer because ..." I wouldn't want to hear "It's not you, it's me."

bushg · May 4, 2008, 07:54 PM

My thing is that I see and have seen so many people divorce or stop living together and then take their problems with them on to the next relationship, and the next and the next... then you end up raising kids that have problems feeling secure.

I feel like I brought them into the world and it is up to me to make sure that they are as secure as possible.
I know some split couples make this happen but I truly feel like that is not the case, more often than not. I think it was a small sacrifice for me to have paid to stick it out during the really rough patches.

My kids always knew where home was, what school they would attend, where special dinners were going to be eaten, holidays etc. I figured 18 years is not that long esp. when I planned on living a lot longer. If I died in the meantime well it wouldn't have mattered anyway. Maybe it helps that I believe in reincarnation, so I figure if I don't get it right in this life there will be another chance.

To answer the op's latest question, there probably isn't any way that you can take the sting out of it so you may as well be honest and not feed her a line.

starbuck8 · May 5, 2008, 03:07 AM

Originally Posted by granz0210

Thank you all for your help. I would like to ask the women how would it make it easier for you to hear that your husband wants a divorce?

By the sounds of things, you basically have your mind made up now that you are set on getting a divorce. Very sad, and no easy way to go about that without a lot of hurt feelings. I don't know if you REALLY done ALL of the work necessary, but it is your decision to make.

Tell her, in the kindest and most compassionate way you can, that you love her, respect her, and care about her,but your feelings have changed, and it no longer the kind of love that you once felt. Tell her that you will always be there if she AND your daughter need anything... just a phone call away. Tell her that it hurts you to know that she is hurting, but what you want for the all three of you is to be happy. Tell her you will always be her friend so you can co-parent your daughter and make sure she grows up in healthy and stable surroundings, even though you aren't together anymore. Be the happy parents that your daughter wants to have. Don't fight or use your daughter as a bargaining tool. Please make sure that there are never any harsh words spoken around your little girl.

There are really no magic wands or words here, and nothing that is going to make it any easier on her. ::heads up for the tears and maybe even a good slap:: Just take it like a man, and realise that it is probably the end of her dream, and you just woke her up, in not a very good way! Be prepared for all of the mean spirited comments and anything she has to say... that's hurt surfacing, and just let her do it and take it out on you. That's a really hard thing to deal with.

Bottom line?. Just try and be as kind and caring as you can.