[Ziebardt]

How do I get my ex out of my head? We had a fantastic relationship that I destroyed by leaving without saying goodbye and not calling for 5 days. My reasons for being angry and leaving were legitimate and almost forgivable to her however leaving in combination with no contact for 5 days was not. It was a long distance relationship and I never saw her again. I was supposed to go back 10 days later and I didn't because I wanted to respect her request for a little time. Had I gone back we could have at least embarked on working through it. We really were wonderful together and our relationship was at it's strongest the day before I left. But I didn't go back and the distance and my availability to her made it easy for her to phase me out and move on. After 3 months of speaking on the phone a few times a week and believing that we would give it another shot she informed me that there was no chance and that it was, in fact, over. The next day I saw her profile on match dot com. I called to tell her that I didn't really believe we were broken up until I saw the profile. I was devastated but I wished her luck and happiness and told her I was here if she ever needed anything. That was March 1. With the exception of one "I love you, give me another chance" phone call 10 days later we never spoke again. She had removed her profile from match.com around April 1st so I assumed she was seeing someone. After 4 weeks of zero contact I began sending innocuous text messages about once a week. She didn't reply to the first two but immediately replied to the third one with "I'm engaged". It sickened me but I felt like I needed to be dignified and use it as an opportunity for closure so I called her to congratulate her and wish her happiness. A guy answered her cell phone so I asked if he was the fiancé. He said yes. I asked when did they meet. He said "a long time ago". So I congratulated him and said I called to wish her well, etc. etc. He said she wasn't there. I tried calling her a few times throughout the day but she didn't answer the phone. I highly doubt she went from checking her match.com profile daily to engaged in 4 weeks not to mention her grueling schedule of graduate school, 20 hour/week of volunteering, and a few big family events during the same period of time)... Regardless, whether she's engaged it's clear that she wants me completely out of her life.

I want to comply but I'm feeling something different than the loss. If she really were engaged I don't think she would tell me... our relationship was over but we weren't on bad terms. I would have expected and honored a "please stop contacting me". Also, it's not like her to be so insensitive to shock me like that or let her fiancé (assuming it was her fiancé or even a boyfriend) answer the cell phone. I worry that she might have been in the shower or something and he took charge of the situation. Also, she knows that I would doubt that she was so quickly engaged and always wonder (since it's a long distance relationship I don't really have any way of finding out).

Anyway, I did meet someone with whom I'm very happy... but since the beginning of this new relationship I've had trouble shaking my ex from my thoughts. I have dreams about my ex and/or her family (with whom I was very close) and wake up missing her so much (and send text messages in those weak moments). I sincerely want to give myself completely to my new girlfriend but simply don't know how to get my ex from my head... My ex was very gradually fading but the notion of and the truth behind the "I'm engaged" text has forced her front and center in my thoughts. Am I feeling anything unnatural? How do I get her out of my head?

[nickshehe]

Also, it's not like her to be so insensitive to shock me like that

I think if you ask most people here, you'd be surprised at what exes are capable of doing..

That being said, you sound a bit confused. At first you come off wanting to get your ex out of your head.. then I felt like you were trying to approach her again and fix things.. but then you wanted to get your ex out of your head again.
So you were right in 2 out of 3 cases. The right thing to do is get your ex out of your head.
She hurt you- I'm sorry.. I feel for you I honestly do. I don't know the nature of your relationship but I do know how it feels to have loved and lost. What you need to do is stop analyzing and thinking about what she said, what she did,what she might be doing, what she is doing. Erase her from your life. Msn/Facebook/Your telephone/your quick-dial - I don't know what.. put the pictures in the box and in the closet. Don't listen to the song you shared the night when you kissed under a beautiful sky... you catch where I'm going with this..
You aren't going to wake up tomorrow and forget her.. I haven't seen my ex in a month and a half, haven't heard her voice in a month.. she talks to me on msn but I don't reply..
I still remember how she smells and every inch of her skin- I don't want too, but I do.
But she chose to live her life without me-as did your ex. And as much as it hurts, we have to respect that decision and do what is best for us.
Your problem is that you're moving back... take small steps forward and you'll find happiness again.

[workedtoohard]

If a guy answers her phone, that means she handed him the phone which means she is definitely telling you not to call again. You need to move on. I wouldn't want to hear from my ex knowing she was with someone else. I won't want to hear from her regardless. You are lucky she isn't trying to nag you into friendship.

[amIwrong]

My good man, I think you are in need of closure. Not all of us get this as it's a luxury. It's not clear to me the reason this all ended but it does not matter now. It hard to say if she is with someone, engaged or not, perhaps she isn't and has asked someone to answer the phone for her. Maybe, she isn't, does that satisfy you? Maybe she is trying to create some distance so she can move on. Does she have an obligation to tell you this? Can't she go forward regardless of what she is doing with out having to explain to you why? Maybe you were used to a routine of communication that now is hard to accept that life will go on and you won't know day to day what is happening. It's uncomfortable, but you have to let go.

Easier said then done sure, but, you can't use this new g/f as a distraction to your misery. Why is this new g/f even a g/f, why isn't she just someone to date, a non serious interaction with someone of the opposite sex because your not ready just yet. You can't be, your not fully in the game. I understand, I have been there.

[talaniman]

Am I feeling anything unnatural? How do I get her out of my head?

You may still be in shock, and just need time for the truth to sink in, and reality to become clear. Then you can let go of the confusion, and the questions. I would also never call her number ever again. That will help the emotional dust to settle. Sorry for your loss, but click on the links in my signature, to some very helpful suggestions to help you move on.

[Ziebardt]

Thank you all for your thoughtful responses... Since most of your responses I called her one more time and left a voicemail saying she didn't need to kill a fly with a sledgehammer (there really is no way she's engaged), that a "please, no contact" would have done the trick, this is closure for me, good luck and goodbye. I feel like leaving the voicemail and using the word "closure" solidified a commitment to something I clearly never made: let go and move on.

I really do feel much better and the change is not so subtle,, as if the momentum has shifted.. which it has. I boxed all the friggin clothes and letters and stuff she gave me and stuffed it deep in a closet and that is really all there is to say about the whole thing.

Thanks again, all of you, and best of luck...

Z