Check out some similar questions!

billyhoyle · Apr 21, 2008, 07:19 AM

Ok, here's the deal. A girl moved in next door about a year and 1/2 ago. I live with 2 other guys and she would always come over and hang out with all of us, come to the bars, and do all sorts of things with us. None of us hooked up with her or anything. She moved out last summer but stayed very close to the area. Around December, we finally hooked up. About a month went by and we hooked up again. This became a regular occurrence on Saturday night. She then told me see was seeing other people but wanted to continue what we were doing. I was OK with it. So those Saturday nights became some weekday nights. Those weekday nights became dates of movies, dinners, and things like that. And somewhere along the line I developed feelings for her. We hadn't told any of my roommates because we didn't want things to get weird so I couldn't talk to them about it. I was starting to feel uncomfortable spending the night with her and then wondering what she was doing the nights I wasn't with her. It was fairly obvious that I cared for her more than she did for me. About a week ago she said that she wanted to stop spending the nights together but still wanted to hang out and talk all the time like we did. She told me that if I had gone on dates with girls she would have been upset and she needed to figure out what that means. She later said that it seems I want more than she does right now. Truth is, I just wanted it to stay the same. I enjoyed seeing her and spending nights with her, and it sucks now that we can't. I haven't seen her since then and she has texted me a few times but it's crazy how this went from having really great times together to nothing. It's like it is when she first moved next door, us barely talking.
I used to be married 4 years ago, and I had a very hard time getting over that, but I eventually did. I can think about her and not feel anything. But this girl now, I am having a hard time dealing with. She talks on the phone sometimes with my roommate (and it bothers me even though they are just friends) and I miss staying the night with her. I'm not sure what to do here. I know this sounds pathetic, I know this. Help me out.

JBeaucaire · Apr 21, 2008, 02:55 PM

Since the goal of relationships is to enhance your life, I'm curious as to why you would seek to pursue this at all? I mean, it sounded like even you weren't totally satisfied with the meaningless sex, you had started developing real feelings and that would mean you COULDN'T continue with the meaningless sex, right? Doesn't it?

Without going off about hookups in general, you realize that you two had nothing at all. Right? And when you signalled you wanted more, she broke it off entirely, the smart thing to do.

So, what exactly is it you're pining for here? More uncommitted sex with a girl who isn't interested in a relationship with you? Is that it? You find that noble in some way?

Throw some water on your face, shake off these worrisome thoughts and get back out there, dude. You're ready for a real GF. Go find her. There are TONS of relationship-ready women out there, but none of them on the end of her telephone number.

kp2171 · Apr 21, 2008, 03:08 PM

Well, at this point she wants a girlfriend or a buddy.

You aren't interested in either of those, right?

She's not wrong for wanting to back off. Her life, her choice.

You aren't wrong for wanting more, or at least the status quo.

But you two aren't right together, right now. And that means you accept it and walk away. Don't be there for her. Don't be her buddy. Not fun. Not what you want. Not easy. But reality.

You cannot... cannot make her do something she doesn't want to do. At best, you can back way off... and if missing you and needing you drives her to change her mind, then maybe there's a chance. But if you backing off results in her staying gone, she was long gone before you acted.

You aren't together. You can't act like you are. You might want it. That's fine. Best thing might be to have your say, tell her how you feel, and tell her you are moving on unless she has a change of heart. And then walk.

I'm all for reality and all for talking straight talk with no hidden agendas or pretense. I just assume I'm to dumb to get the nuances of head games... so I say what I mean, and I make others take action or drift away.

billyhoyle · Apr 23, 2008, 08:45 PM

Here's the thing though. I still have to see her, and I still now she is talking to one of my roommates, and it does bother me. I don't want to say anything to let either one of them know that it does bother me. So what do I do then? It's pissing me off that I still feel like this.

FeelingBlue · Apr 23, 2008, 09:45 PM

If she really cared for you, then she would be with you. Don't torture yourself, there are other women who would love a caring man like you. Don't sell yourself short, as you deserve the closeness that you deserve.

JBeaucaire · Apr 24, 2008, 01:50 PM

There is really no magic answer here. You have to decide which thing you're go to go for:

1. Be frustrated and tell them
2. Be frustrated and don't tell them

I'm not sure what you win/lose by either choice. If you're bugged by something and it comes up, you can tell them without using words that indicate you blame THEM for how you feel. I think that's fair.

Keeping it bottled up is understandable, but may be just as destructive in the end since most people are able to detect frustration in others. If you're frustrated and not telling, they'll make up their own reasons... I'm not sure that's better.

Anyway, just choose your approach and stick with it. Nothing you can do about your feelings other than distract yourself with other things.

billyhoyle · Apr 24, 2008, 05:09 PM

First off, all of your responses have been helpful, they really have. I wish I knew about this site about 4 years ago when I was really going through it with a girl. A little update. The other night I took her to a playoff basketball game, and had one of the best times at a game I have ever had with a girl or friends. We laughed, joked, talked, and had a great time, and the times when our arms or hands touched, I could definitely feel something. The only thing that sucked was dropping her off. I had been used to having her tell me to park and spend the night, but this time there was nothing, not even a kiss goodbye. It really hurt driving away from her place that night and I had a hard time falling asleep because I kept thinking about it. I definitely now know she is no longer interested in me like she was before. I don't care how long you're with someone, whenever you come to that realization, it hurts. And like Kp2171 said, being her buddy isn't fun for me and something I don't think I can deal with.

billyhoyle · Apr 25, 2008, 06:11 PM

Why do I continue to respond to her text messages only to have her not even acknowledge that I write back. She'll write me with a question about whatever, I answer it and ask her a question about whatever, and then nothing. Why do I keep responding? What the freak is wrong with me?

N0help4u · Apr 25, 2008, 06:45 PM

You need to do No contact because you are only torturing yourself. She wants you at her convenience on her terms. It will only tear you apart emotionally to keep contact with her.

PossibleM · Apr 29, 2008, 07:59 AM

Originally Posted by billyhoyle

Ok, here's the deal. A girl moved in next door about a year and 1/2 ago. I live with 2 other guys and she would always come over and hang out with all of us, come to the bars, and do all sorts of things with us. None of us hooked up with her or anything. She moved out last summer but stayed very close to the area. Around December, we finally hooked up. About a month went by and we hooked up again. This became a regular occurance on Saturday night. She then told me see was seeing other people but wanted to continue what we were doing. I was ok with it. So those Saturday nights became some weekday nights. Those weekday nights became dates of movies, dinners, and things like that. And somewhere along the line I developed feelings for her. We hadn't told any of my roommates because we didn't want things to get weird so I couldn't talk to them about it. I was starting to feel uncomfortable spending the night with her and then wondering what she was doing the nights I wasn't with her. It was fairly obvious that I cared for her more than she did for me. About a week ago she said that she wanted to stop spending the nights together but still wanted to hang out and talk all the time like we did. She told me that if I had gone on dates with girls she would have been upset and she needed to figure out what that means. She later said that it seems I want more than she does right now. Truth is, I just wanted it to stay the same. I enjoyed seeing her and spending nights with her, and it sucks now that we can't. I haven't seen her since then and she has texted me a few times but it's crazy how this went from having really great times together to nothing. It's like it is when she first moved next door, us barely talking.
I used to be married 4 years ago, and I had a very hard time getting over that, but I eventually did. I can think about her and not feel anything. But this girl now, I am having a hard time dealing with. She talks on the phone sometimes with my roommate (and it bothers me even though they are just friends) and I miss staying the night with her. I'm not sure what to do here. I know this sounds pathetic, I know this. Help me out.

Sounds like she was looking for a booty call! While she was out seeing other people you were sitting at home or hanging with the guys instead of going out with other girls... She had [[options]] and you had [[her]]... Thats why she has less feelings for you.

DGGGG · Nov 8, 2010, 01:15 PM

Hey man, I can really relate to what you are going though. A lot

I've been with this ****ing awesome girl for like 3 months. We had sex after a party and started seeing each other a lot, every day almost. I am so into this girl I can't believe it! She's just lovely..
The thing is though, as with you, that she is not ready for a relationship.
When I started showing that I wanted a relationship she backed off.
Then I started backing off myself. Because I wanted to forget about my feeling for her. This made her 'come back' to me, it made her text me that she missed me, wich she had never done before!
When she did that I let her right back in without thinking about it.
We've been really good to talk about our relationship the 2 of us, and she still says that she's not ready for a relationship..

Now we're 'friends' and I'm ****ing miserable in love with her and I honestly feel like ****. Now I can't even cuddle with her if we're sleeping together, can't compliment her without she's taking it as a love confession. (wich makes her back off)

I don't know what to do either.. But I know I can't forget about this girl...