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goingnuts · Apr 14, 2008, 06:06 AM

Hi,
I've never used this before but in need of some help, so thought you, the good British public could hand me some advice.
I am due to get married in a few weeks. Everything is booked but I am terrified of the thought of marriage. My husband to be is a lovely guy, kind and gentle. But he is also very quiet and I am not, I am confident and fun loving and he struggles to find fun and have fun... infact his idea of fun is lying on the couch and getting stoned!
I love this man, but struggling to find the reason why we are getting married... we don't talk or communicate, sex is average, I don't like kissing him with tongues as his mouth repulses me. But his touch is amazing and he makes me feel safe.
I also have a son who is nearly 10. My son gets on very well with my partner and has adopted him as his dad, which I great as my son has never known his father.
The problem is, I am panicing about the wedding and marriage... can I really commit to being with someone who I can't talk to? Who is more like a distant flatmate than a friend?
Its all very difficult as the wedding is booked, my father has paid for it all and the pressure to go through with it is eating me up... Is it just the stress of the wedding preps? Or is this the way I really feel? I know I said he doesn't talk to me, but I can't talk to him properly either... he's not the best at holding a conversation...

I just want to run away!!

Opinions please?

450donn · Apr 14, 2008, 07:45 AM

BY stoned, you are saying that he is a drug addict? Personally and this is from the other side of the pond as this is an international forum, I would RUN. Run as fast as possible the other way from this guy. Drug addicts are drug addicts and eventually he will either drag you down with him, or spend all of the money that YOU are working so hard for just to keep a roof over your heads.

goingnuts · Apr 14, 2008, 09:09 AM

I'd just like to clarify, he is not a drug addict. Some people like a glass of wine or 2 and some like a smoke or 2. But your right, this doesn't help the whole lack of communication between us.
Thanks my friend from over the pond.

HistorianChick · Apr 14, 2008, 09:15 AM

This could be all pre-wedding stress and butterflies... fear of commitment, etc.

But, honey, you need to sit down and talk to your fiance' about everything you've said in your post. These problems are not just going to "go away" once you have two rings on your finger...

Take the time to sit down and really talk about this. Postponing may be an option, but above all, TALK!

Don't let the fact that you haven't communicated well keep you from communicating.

I wish you luck - from the US side of the pond :)

Scleros · Apr 14, 2008, 09:16 AM

Make a list of the reasons you said "yes", and a list of the reasons you think this is a bad idea. Which one is longer?

And it sounds as if you both need to learn to communicate.

talaniman · Apr 14, 2008, 12:41 PM

No communications, don't get married. Healthy long term relationships, require plenty of honest communications. You have a lot of red flags to work out BEFORE you tie that knot.

DoulaLC · Apr 14, 2008, 01:48 PM

>>>>>>The problem is, I am panicing about the wedding and marriage... can I really commit to being with someone who I can't talk to? Who is more like a distant flatmate than a friend?
>>>>>>Its all very difficult as the wedding is booked, my father has paid for it all and the pressure to go through with it is eating me up... Is it just the stress of the wedding preps? Or is this the way I really feel? I know I said he doesn't talk to me, but I can't talk to him properly either... he's not the best at holding a conversation...

Weddings can be canceled... do not feel you have to go forward if you are not very comfortable with the idea. Your father would much rather you be happy and sure of what you are doing, even if it means being out some money, than to have you go forward so as not to rock the boat.
If you can't talk to him, his idea of "fun" and your's are very different (getting stoned is not the occasional glass or two of wine or a smoke), you don't like kissing him, don't expect these things to change once you are married. If anything, their annoyance factor will likely grow worse for you over time. You said it yourself... he is more like a flatmate, and a distant one at that.
Listen to your gut... it is screaming at you to take a second look before jumping in. If you are leaning towards holding off, or even dropping the marriage idea completely, better now than in a few years when your finances are intermingled and your son has grown even more attached.

squeaks77 · Apr 14, 2008, 03:10 PM

You have to talk with him. I'm sure there are things about you that drive him crazy/hates too.

J_9 · Apr 14, 2008, 03:56 PM

I'm not British, American actually, but have you tried to make a list of the pros and cons of the two of you getting married? Which list is longer? The Pros or the Cons? Whichever list is longer is the one you should follow.

My father taught me this over 24 years ago. I wish I would have listened to him then.

450donn · Apr 14, 2008, 06:16 PM

Originally Posted by goingnuts

I'd just like to clarify, he is not a drug addict. Some people like a glass of wine or 2 and some like a smoke or 2. But your right, this doesn't help the whole lack of communication between us.
Thanks my friend from over the pond.

There is a hugh difference between a glass of wine or a beer once in a while and using drugs. The difference is that in many countries of the world pot is illegal and wine or beer are not. I really stick to my original comments and suggest that you RUN from this drug addict before he drags you down with him. Unless and until he wants to get straight he will not, and he will continue to use drugs until such time as he is either jailed or decides that he needs help and actually seeks it. Drugs are addictive just like too much beer or wine. Both are destructive to the family unit. Again RUN in the opposite direction.

Fr_Chuck · Apr 14, 2008, 06:32 PM

Well I have to ask why are you even living with him, marriage is living together with a license, so nothing changes other than a paper from what you are doing now.

So I guess if the relationship is so bad, why have you even stayed? Why did you even move in together if you were not talking well?

Alty · Apr 14, 2008, 06:42 PM

Cancelling a wedding is easier than getting a divorce. Discuss and decide before you walk down the aisle.

Canadian advice. ;)

diamond1111 · Apr 18, 2008, 09:39 PM

The key to a marriage is communication. If you don't have that its not going to work. You have to want to marry this man because you love him and you want to grow with him. You have to communicate daily with each other. You don't need anyone that on drugs girlfriend, he'll eventually get you on it and that's not good for your son. You need a good man in your life and and your son needs a role model. Ask yourself this, are you in love with this guy, does he make your heart beat faster, is this the man you want to grow old with?? If the answer to all three is yes, then go for it. If not, trust me, he's not then one.

De Maria · Apr 19, 2008, 07:34 AM

Originally Posted by goingnuts

Hi,
I've never used this before but in need of some help, so thought you, the good British public could hand me some advice.
I am due to get married in a few weeks. Everything is booked but I am terrified of the thought of marriage. My husband to be is a lovely guy, kind and gentle. But he is also very quiet and I am not, I am confident and fun loving and he struggles to find fun and have fun... infact his idea of fun is lying on the couch and getting stoned!
I love this man, but struggling to find the reason why we are getting married... we don't talk or communicate, sex is average, I don't like kissing him with tongues as his mouth repulses me. But his touch is amazing and he makes me feel safe.
I also have a son who is nearly 10. My son gets on very well with my partner and has adopted him as his dad, which I great as my son has never known his father.
The problem is, I am panicing about the wedding and marriage... can I really commit to being with someone who I can't talk to? Who is more like a distant flatmate than a friend?
Its all very difficult as the wedding is booked, my father has paid for it all and the pressure to go through with it is eating me up... Is it just the stress of the wedding preps? Or is this the way I really feel? I know I said he doesn't talk to me, but I can't talk to him properly either... he's not the best at holding a conversation...

I just want to run away!!

Opinions please?

It doesn't sound like you are getting married in Church, are you? My advice is mostly for Christians, but I'll give it a shot.

Sounds as though you are beginning to realize that marriage isn't simply about you? But you seem to have a great deal in your favor. You have a future spouse whom you call:

My husband to be is a lovely guy, kind and gentle.

And you say:

I love this man,

However, you also say:

but struggling to find the reason why we are getting married... we don't talk or communicate,

Therein lies a problem.

You both need to know why you are getting married.

The first thing you need to know is that you don't get married to live happily ever after. That is a fairy tale.

You get married to struggle together. Whereas before you might be struggling alone or with your parents or siblings. When you get married you become one with the person whom you married and you struggle together against the perils of life.

Marriage is about happiness, yes. But it is happiness found in times of respite, between the times of struggling to provide for family, to protect family and to educate family about God and God's will in your life.

The first chance you get, before or after you get married, you need to communicate with your spouse that marriage is something you both do. He needs to know that sitting on the couch getting high is not the end all of life. He needs to get up and join the struggle to make life better for his new family.

You also need to know that life is also about achieving union with God in the next life. Your marriage is an image of that union of love in this life. Do you understand what that means? Your marriage, a union of man and wife, is a prelude to the union of man and God in the next life. You don't achieve this without communion and communication.

That is why, in Church, we eat and drink the Body and Blood of our Lord Jesus Christ. He has given Himself completely to us. And in so eating, we have given ourselves completely to Him.

That is why sexual climax is the closest experience that man and woman have to heaven on earth. And sexuality is a complete giving, a complete communication, verbal, physical, spiritual of one to another. Unless you can give yourself to your spouse in a perfect communion of love and he to you, you will not be able to achieve this type of union. That is why sexual union is a wonderful way to renew your marital vows. Every time you join together in the "marital" embrace, it is like saying, "I do" all over again.

And marriage is about raising children for God. As husband and wife, you become Father and Mother and thus the priests of your household. As such, YOU are the primary educators of your children whom you will promise to raise for God. You will teach them about God and God's will.

So, this is just your first obstacle together. If you can weather this storm, then, you will have answered your own question.

Sincerely,

De Maria

twinkiedooter · Apr 20, 2008, 10:05 AM

If you two are not good friends and communicate well together and share at least some hobbies or pass times together, then I would say no, don't marry him as things will not get miraculously better when you are married. The fact that your son has a much needed male figure in his life right now is good but I don't think that marrying him right now is the right thing to do. You need to really sort this out slowly. My mother used to say marry in haste, repent (or regret) at your leisure. Divorce is much more traumatic than getting married.