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4mrcadet · Apr 11, 2008, 02:17 PM

I have a woman that is recurrently on my mind, sometimes to the point of being the only thing that I can think of. I have not seen her in about 28 years. I broke off our high school relationship, possibly in error, since we were starting classes at different colleges. I have felt terrible about this and from time to time the feelings of guilt and remorse are almost unbearable. I believe that if I could just talk to her for a few minutes and apologize for the way that I treated her when we broke up it might help me deal with this issue. I wrote her a letter (we lived some distance apart) and told her that it would be best if we did not see each other anymore. I then did not respond to her letters, phone calls, etc. Poor way to deal with it but I was only 18 at the time and I was not ready for the love and friendship that she had to offer.

I have located her but have not contacted her. I am asking for advice as to whether to proceed with this. I just need to be able to put an end to these feelings that I am having.
I am currently married and my wife does not know about this. I thought about asking her opinion but she has always been very jealous and I know that she would see this as a threat.

Please help. Thanks.

N0help4u · Apr 11, 2008, 03:27 PM

You are married and your wife is jealous ---BAD combination for wanting to meet up with an old girlfriend! Lots of guys at 18 just quit calling rather than do a formal breakup because they don't know how or can't be bothered and 28 years later I doubt she is holding it against you to the point she needs an apology. We girls do tend to get over life happens crapola.

talaniman · Apr 11, 2008, 03:31 PM

I have not seen her in about 28 years.

I am currently married and my wife does not know about this.

Get over it! Carrying a torch that long is utterly ridicules, because it shows you have never matured, and learned about coping skills, not to mention how utterly selfish it is to bother someone else, and disrupt their life with this NONSENSE!

4mrcadet · Apr 15, 2008, 01:52 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Get over it! Carrying a torch that long is utterly ridicules, because it shows you have never matured, and learned about coping skills, not to mention how utterly selfish it is to bother someone else, and disrupt their life with this NONSENSE!!

"because it shows you have never matured" - Comments such as these generally reflect an abundance of immaturity amongst the so-called "experts" who make them. Carrying a torch usually indicates that the carrier is still in love with the other person. This not being the case, your comment is way off base. I think that I just need closure, which may be a part of your "coping skills" comment. Otherwise, my opinion is that you are out in the weeds.

HistorianChick · Apr 15, 2008, 02:04 PM

All right, judging from your original post and your response to tal's post, you believe that the only thing that will be accomplished from contacting her is closure. That's all well and good, but that is the best case scenario.

Worst case scenario? Your wife, being admittedly jealous, would find out that you searched for, located, and contacted your high school sweetheart in an effort to tell her that you're sorry that you hurt her... and what... that you'd like to be friends? Lets fast forward this worst case scenario and say that you two "hit it off" just like no time had past... you have the potential here to 1. cheat on your wife, 2. break up your marriage, and 3. ruin your family. That's the worst case scenario.

Reality dictates that it would probably be a happy medium between the two.

In any case... why not tell your wife that you are dreadfully sorry for the way that you treated this ex-girlfriend, tell her what you want to do, contact the woman, and arrange a lunch - where you and your wife sit down, you apologize, and close this chapter for good. I don't really see anything wrong with that. If you feel that you truly do owe this woman an apology, be above board and deal with it.

Or, do what everyone has suggested and simply get over it.

chuff · Apr 15, 2008, 02:46 PM

This is not a knock on you, but I think you should see a psychologist. There seems to be something else going on if you are carrying around guilt for almost 30 years. I wonder if the guilt actually something else that you are not identifying and using this event as a crutch for the guilt, because it is something you can put in front of you that is commonplace for people in that age bracket. Furthermore, this behavior will actually continue the guilt emotion you feel, if you do contact her, you wife will become upset and then you will feel guilty about that. In a way, it's almost a way for you to update the feelings of guilt to something modern day.

talaniman · Apr 15, 2008, 03:34 PM

I think that I just need closure, which may be a part of your "coping skills" comment. Otherwise, my opinion is that you are out in the weeds.

I think your best way to get closure is to forgive yourself, and not repeat the behavior. Less risk that way. What's wrong with the weeds?

serena6878 · Apr 15, 2008, 04:36 PM

Bring your wife to have dinner with her family together.
Good luck!

Fr_Chuck · Apr 15, 2008, 04:46 PM

Explain this as you did here to your wife, there is no need to meet this girl, you write her a letter telling her that you are sorry for the way you treated her.

ChrisStryfe · Apr 16, 2008, 09:17 AM

Dude, this will not accomplish anything. What do you expect to happen if you do contact her. You have a wife, and a jealous one even. Got to worry about her than this girl that you have not had contact with in over 28 years.

Your apology isn't needed trust me. She forgot about you. And what little remembrance doesn't really matter anymore.

jolienoire · Apr 16, 2008, 09:56 AM

Bottom line is the girl you knew 28 years ago more than likely is long gone, and more than likely is not the same 18y/o girl you once knew. A totally diff woman who has probably changed into someone you don't know. Remember she has experienced things within the last 28 years. Then the other problem is that perhaps she doesn't even want anything to do with you. How selfishly it would be to just pop into somone's life knowing your married, and saying Hey here I am... Reality check! Stop chasing something you once knew it is long ago, just a memory that you don't need to relive, leave it for what it was and don't jack in the box on the ex... Might just hit you in the face...

Thegirl123 · Apr 16, 2008, 10:03 AM

Sweetie.. I think you may be feeling this way because you might be having marriage issues and you remember something that was good once and how you may have let it go.

I know I felt that way I reconnected with that old flame and we ended up having an affiar. I promise you need to tell your wife about these feelings. She will be grateful you are being honest. You will just head for a world of hurt if you head down that path of reconnection.

And don't feel guilty. We all make mistakes in our past relationships. She is over it especially if you were 18

Blastoff · Apr 22, 2008, 12:45 PM

4mrcadet: I once found myself in a vaguely similar situation, and life has been very complicated ever since then. Contacting an old flame is playing with fire, and the older the flame the hotter it can get.

jenniferlup · Apr 22, 2008, 12:56 PM

Originally Posted by 4mrcadet

I have a woman that is recurrently on my mind, sometimes to the point of being the only thing that I can think of. I have not seen her in about 28 years. I broke off our high school relationship, possibly in error, since we were starting classes at different colleges. I have felt terrible about this and from time to time the feelings of guilt and remorse are almost unbearable. I believe that if I could just talk to her for a few minutes and apologize for the way that I treated her when we broke up it might help me deal with this issue. I wrote her a letter (we lived some distance apart) and told her that it would be best if we did not see each other anymore. I then did not respond to her letters, phone calls, etc. Poor way to deal with it but I was only 18 at the time and I was not ready for the love and friendship that she had to offer.

I have located her but have not contacted her. I am asking for advice as to whether or not to proceed with this. I just need to be able to put an end to these feelings that I am having.
I am currently married and my wife does not know about this. I thought about asking her opinion but she has always been very jealous and I know that she would see this as a threat.

Please help. Thanks.

Take it from me I am 25 and My dad is doing the same thing to my mom. He contacted a old girlfriend and she was divorced and now my parents are getting divorced and our family is going through a really tought time. Think about it before you do it. Do you love your wife? If so I would just let it go. Or you are going to lose your wife and your family. To me it is not worth it I am seeing what it is doing to my mom and she dosen't deserve that...