[Alan90]

Hi Im not sure what to think about this so some advice or direction would be greatly appreciated. This is going to be quite long so please bare with me. :)

Basically I've been with my girlfriend for 3 years nearly and whenever we get into one of our "sexual sessions" on the lead up to having intercourse I do a lot of things for her E.g. give her massages, caress her, finger her and perform oral sex on her but recently in the past few months I've started to notice she very rarely does anything for me not even caressing and once I've done my part we get straight to intercourse.

I've asked her if for some reason she doesn't like doing sexual things for me but she just says "I dont mind doing things for you" and tells me to drop it.
To me this seems unbelievable since even after she has told me that, if I ask for her to do anything to me she tells me "I dont want to do it right now, maybe later" and believe me that "later" never comes.
So unless I keep asking and asking and hold out on the sex she won't do it even then she usually just comes out with something like "i dont want to have sex anymore, you've spoilt the mood"
It is also a let down that I must ask for things like bl** **** or ha** ****. Otherwise I'd never get either.

I feel quite frustrated about this sometimes and it makes me feel as though she doesn't want my body unless she is going to get pleasure from it. Now I'm not sure if its just me but I really enjoy performing things for her as it gives me a sense of satisfaction that I am making her feel good.
Is this normal or is she being selfish? Or even, am I being selfish expecting this of her?


What should I do any thoughts?

[Tess23]

This one's a toughie! The thing is that in order to have sex with a woman you have to turn her on first, because if she isn't wet it's not going to happen, or you'll land up hurting her. Another thing is that guys get turned on a lot quicker than girls, so if she does do certain things to you, you might not make it to intercourse...
Maybe suggest something like a 69er, that way you are both getting satisfaction at the same time. You could also try gently guiding her hand to where you want it to be while you are fingering her or caressing her. Why should it only be one of you doing all the work?? Bottom line is - Do this together, and don't keep score. Sometimes a gentle nudge in the right direction is all that is needed. Who wants to feel like they're being forced into something? Maybe she feels uncomfortable doing something that she's been asked to do? It might make her feel that it's all forced, which doesn't make it fun. An element of surprise might just be what she's trying to achieve. ; )

Hope this helps!

[Alan90]

I see where your coming from I have only 2 points to make from your comment though.

"Maybe suggest something like a 69er"
I suggested that to her about a year ago and she said she felt uncomfortable doing it.

"Maybe she feels uncomfortable doing something that she's been asked to do?"
I do try to avoid asking her and try to guide her into doing things I would like her to do as you suggested but she either ignores it and acts like she hasn't realised (how she can't realise I don't know, it starts to become blatently obvious after a little while) or tells me "thats all you ever want"

I've tried a few things but nothing seems to work and I'm quite confused about it.

[smoothy]

That's just not cool. I've been married 17 years and I still never have to deal with that.

Quite honestly she's going to have to come out and admit what's bothering her because something is. Perhaps you can get her to couples counciling or if she refuses seriously consider finding a new girlfriend. I'd hate to go through life dealing with that. I actually had a girlfriend like that many years ago. Basically a publicly affectionate woman, but get her alone she turned into the ice queen. She was 30 and divorced so it wasn't inexperience or young age. I never did figure out what her problem was and honestly being I was 20 at the time I didn't care. I moved on. In hind sight I hope she got the help she needed.

[plonak]

It seems like she might be a little selfish, but she is conditioned to get what she wants..

You have given this all to her the whole three years without saying much about what you want... so it has become something that's she's (happily maybe) excepted.. She gets spoiled and pleasured and you don't.. that's the routine

There could also be an underlining reason why she's uncomfortable doing it to you.. you have to ask yourself tough questions.. maybe she's never done it before and she's afraid you wouldn't like it.. maybe she was sexually abused when she was younger and someone forced her to touch him down there..

I say when you are not in the sexual setting, take her aside and talk to her, take her to coffee or something and ask her to be honest.

[Choux]

She is not interested in participating in what you wish her to do sexually. The fact that you are not married makes the situation a little more complicated. Since you are in a three year relationship, you are both in a position to negotiate for what you want. That is what you are going to have to do or otherwise accept the situation. Have a discussion about your desires for oral sex, what can you do in exchange for her participation? Like take her to an event she wants to attend, for example... not something sexual.

Now, many women are not interested in participating in oral sex... that's one of the main reasons prostitution is such a booming business! I don't think she is selfish...

Back to marriage... since you aren't married to her, you can look for a new girlfriend...

[Alan90]

Thanks for your thoughts on all this. I'll take her out later and speak to her and see what she has to say.

[talaniman]

Relationships that are 2/3 years old, are a pretty good indication of what is to follow, when you get to the next level. You really do need to talk, and find out her feelings, before you precede further. Its no shame not to be sexually compatible, nor can you make someone do what they are not comfortable with. Talk and find out. If you can't resolve your issues, then it will be difficult to resolve any issues.

[svatnsdal]

My opinion is that she does seem a little selfish, but there are two sides to every story.
You are a great man! My 'other half' always wants to make sure he's making me happy, and oh boy does he! That is something I am so grateful for, not many men are like that.
You should talk to her about it, explain how you are not happy. If you can not get her to open up, try seeking professional help for both of you.
The most important thing is, you need to talk to her. You need to explain to her how you feel. It is important how you feel, not just her.

[Alan90]

I guess your right just I really love her but it feels like she couldn't care less if she was having sex with me or another guy aslong as it makes her feel good. I Feel like I am just a body to her..

[smoothy]

Like was said... this is a sign of things to come. She will be the same way or even worse if you ever got maried. So keep that in mind. That's a very hard thing to have to deal with forever if its something important to you. I'd find someone that's a beter match to you. Not everyone is perfect for just anyone. There are women out there that are not as selfish and its best to find one of them. True mutual and natural compatibility would make for a far beter relationship/ marriage.

[Alan90]

Your probably right. I spoke to her last night and she really didn't want to talk about it and changed the subject.. I think I'm going to have to sort myself out and probably end it with her. Thanks for the advice.

[kp2171]

You've probably made your decision, just supporting the peanut gallery.

It isn't unreasonable for her to want, even need, those things to be sexually charged. While I try to be a giving lover, I also practice sensual touch with my partner because I'm selfish and I like the results. I know that the time spent sensitizing her skin and letting the tension build is going to pay off for both of us. I'm more likely to be able to please her, help her reach orgasm, and she's better prepared to receive me, and she's all for quid pro quo... something for something. You don't need to keep score but when one partner is happy, the other should be getting theirs too. At least overall there should be balance.

So her asking for what's she's asking is normal and I think its great you do it. I hope any bad experience with her doesn't jade you with other lovers, because building that sensual tension is simply a great way to have a healthy sex life.

That she doesn't reciprocate AND is unwilling to talk about it is a real problem. People might have hangups. There might be issues from her past. Sounds to me like there is clearly something blocking her... you said she won't try 69. Well... that's fine. People should not do things they don't want to sexually... but she should at least talk to you about what she likes and doesn't like.

So... you've been a giving lover who has tried to open communication about sex and you are being denied both in the bed and in the head. You have nothing to feel bad about.

Just don't come away from this feeling like you've done anything wrong by spending time on her needs. You just didn't get a fair return. Too bad for her that she doesn't get it.

[talaniman]

No communications, no relationships. Its one thing to be frustrated sexually, but quite another not being able to talk about it. Just me I'm out of there, and no hard feelings.

[innerJag]

Hi Im not sure what to think about this so some advice or direction would be greatly appreciated. this is going to be quite long so please bare with me. :)

Basically I've been with my girlfriend for 3 years nearly and whenever we get into one of our "sexual sessions" on the lead up to having intercourse I do alot of things for her E.g. give her massages, caress her, finger her and perform oral sex on her but recently in the past few months i've started to notice she very rarely does anything for me not even caressing and once i've done my part we get straight to intercourse.

I've asked her if for some reason she doesnt like doing sexual things for me but she just says "I dont mind doing things for you" and tells me to drop it.
To me this seems unbelievable since even after she has told me that, if i ask for her to do anything to me she tells me "I dont want to do it right now, maybe later" and believe me that "later" never comes.
so unless i keep asking and asking and hold out on the sex she wont do it even then she usually just comes out with somthing like "i dont want to have sex anymore, you've spoilt the mood"
It is also a let down that i must ask for things like bl** **** or ha** ****. otherwise i'd never get either.

I feel quite frustrated about this somtimes and it makes me feel as though she doesnt want my body unless she is going to get pleasure from it. now im not sure if its just me but i really enjoy performing things for her as it gives me a sense of satisfaction that I am making her feel good.
Is this normal or is she being selfish? or even, am i being selfish expecting this of her?


what should I do any thoughts?

Several things, 1. she's probably just not a giver, 2. you smell down there, 3. you're not asking the right way, 4. she hates giving head (which most women do), 5. something could have happened to her in the past, 6. refusing sex to her was a very bad idea and she's probably still pissed off at you. I can't think of anymore but it could be one of those things.

[kp2171]

several things, 1. she's probably just not a giver, 2. you smell down there, 3. you're not asking the right way, 4. she hates giving head (which most women do), 5. something could have happened to her in the past, 6. refusing sex to her was a very bad idea and she's probably still pissed off at you. i can't think of anymore but it could be one of those things.

Don't say most women hate giving oral. From posts here at AMHD, about half like it, half hate it. And my experience is a woman better enjoys giving head if she gets it first.

Way to put ALL the blame on him. Really? He's a pr!ck because he spends time on her and she won't do right by him??

Mkay. Guess he's the jerk who cares so much he takes care of her and then asks for something in return. Man... what an arse!! The nerve of the guy...

[liz28]

I agree with some of the past postings. Ur g/f is ev selfish or something must have happen to her sexual in the past but if she is not willing to talk about ut how are you to know? If you contine to stay with her u might cheat since you feels your needs are not being meet sexually, while hers are. The biggest factor in a relationship is commuication, trust, and sex.

You tried everything but she won't open up and if ahe been with you for 3 years she should feel comfortable and open to talk to you. If you marry her the problem won't go away and it will be hard to get out of. Sometimes when u love someone you have to let them go and if its meet to be it will come back. I mean how many time is this subject is going be 1jected by her when its hurting you. Believe me this can lead to cheating and if you love her that will hurt more than breaking it off.

[Synnen]

Please do NOT use chat speak.

This is an ADULT board, and ADULTS can type out full words and sentences.

[smoothy]

dont say most women hate giving oral. from posts here at AMHD, about half like it, half hate it. and my experience is a woman better enjoys giving head if she gets it first.

way to put ALL the blame on him. really? hes a pr!ck because he spends time on her and she wont do right by him???

mkay. guess hes the jerk who cares so much he takes care of her and then asks for something in return. man... what an arse!!!!!! the nerve of the guy....

I'll agree, she has the right to refuse to do it, and as a result he has the right to find another woman that likes it. He doesn't have the right to demand she do it... and she doesn't have the right to demand he stay with her and do without. Life is a two way street. Best to find a partner (this applies to both men and women) who's temperament and likes more closely match your own. Lifes to short to spend it with people who can't or won't fulfill each others wants and needs when there are people out that that can and will.

[liz28]

Please do NOT use chat speak.

This is an ADULT board, and ADULTS can type out full words and sentences.

People come and here and write how they want to and
I want any way I feel as long as people can understand it and the point is clear.