[username07]

After my first year of college my dad passed away which made me transfer home even though I was happy at my old school. Now I go to a school I hate but I'm always there for my family. I want to go back to my other school but my family is so dependent on me now and my sisters are going off to college next year so it will just be my mom and my little brother. But my mom is never home so I don't want to leave my brother home alone. I have always felt like a parent to my siblings and I feel if I go to my old school I will regret it. Since I regretted working so much while my dad was sick. What should I do? Stay home and hate my school or Go to a school I love and be away from my family?

[Clough]

I think that you really know what you need to do, and that would be to be with your family right now. You sound like someone with a really level head on your shoulders who really loves and cares for those that are close to you.

There is an old saying. And, that is "Why go where the grass is greener? Why not make the grass greener where you are?" I'm sure that you are capable of making the grass greener no matter where you go to school.

Life is short. Your immediate family won't always be living together. It's best to be spending the time with them now, especially after a loss like the one all of you have shared. Besides that, they need you!

That's just my short opinion on this for now. I know that others will be along to contribute theirs. I have already contacted another extremely caring person about your question.

[Clough]

I do hope that username07 will return here...

[jrebel7]

Hi there Username07. I am so sorry for the loss for your father. I just lost my day two years ago. This is a difficult age for you to have to experience this loss and I am so sorry.

Before commenting too much, I am wondering why your mother is never home. Is she holding down several jobs or busy with committee's, volunteer work, caring for a parent? I will give a few comments but what I would suggest might be different than what follows when I know why your mother is never home.

It seems, as per my experience through life, each family tends to have a designated caregiver. No one appoints them, it just works out that one person carries the brunt of most situations where help or encouragement is needed. It doesn't seem to have to do with birth order, or personality necessarily but more the spirit of the heart. From what you have shared, you care deeply and have a deep sense of responsibility.

Am I understanding correctly from what you shared that you went away to the college of your choice first and now younger siblings are getting to go to their choice of college while you are expected to stay in the college you do not care for?

I will just say for now, that it is wonderful that you are such a giving person. You want to be cautious that you do not become an enabler for the other family members. They each have a responsibility also in their role in the family.

When you have time, if you can address some of the questions I have posed, I will be happy to comment again. I know I have not provided answers but perhaps through continued communication with me and Clough and others who will be here for you on the thread, you will indeed arrive at a conclusion to your situation that you know is the correct one. We all need a little guidance and input from others from time to time. Best to you. I look forward to hearing from you again on the thread.

[Mom of 2]

Oh, that is a tough call. However, I agree with Clough. It really should not matter where you get your education, as long as you are getting one.

I do have a question (or a few). What is it about the other school that you like so much? Is it more of a social thing or is it more academic? What is it about your current school that you don't like so much? Is there something that you can do to make your educational experience there as beneficial as possible? Life is what you make it. Life is not always perfect, but you have to make an effort to make it the best that you can. I wish that a lot of things in my life were different, but I have to make the best of my life's situation. It is all about perspective. If you continue to think in negative terms, then your life will be negative. If you choose to think in positive terms, then your life will improve and become more positive.

However, I can't help but think about what your other family members are doing or not doing. Where are your sisters planning on going to school? I know that it is important for you to be there for your family, but it can't possibly ALL sit on your shoulders. Have you considered talking to them about what they can do to help?

Also, why is your mom always gone? Does she have to work or is she choosing to do other things? My dad passed away in 1981 when I was 12 years old, so I can feel for what you are going through. My mom had to work, but she was always there for us kids (my younger brother was 10 at the time and I have a sister who was 17 and a brother who was 19 at the time). She put us all through school and never allowed to settle on our dreams. My older brother continued to go to the school that he was attending prior to my dad's death and graduated from there. My mom did not hold him back from his plans, but that was what was agreed upon between my parents prior to my dad's death, so my family situation could be a little different from your situation.

Again, I agree with clough that you need to be with your family, but you also have to ask for help your other family members. If you don't ask and you continue to put this heavy burden solely on yourself, this will bring about a lot of resentment. If you don't ask for help, you will not get it.

[ISneezeFunny]

I was in a similar situation, although not as tragic and hard. When I was deciding colleges, my mother was very ill, and I was taking care of my little brother while my dad worked.

It came down to two choices... a school 800 miles away that 1) gave me a LOT of scholarships... and 2) had an AWESOME pre-med program, or a school 30 minutes away from my house.

Overall, I still, to this day (I'm a senior now), have thoughts of "what if..." but I have no regrets. Even though I... did not enjoy my college experience, and am in quite a bit of debt... to me, family always came first, no matter what... so the decision wasn't too difficult... but as Clough says, you got to do what you got to do.

Best wishes.

[Mom of 2]

Jrebel - for whatever reason, I did not read your post prior to submitting my response. As always, you give great advice that I totally agree with.

Username07 - Rest assured that you are surrounded by a lot of caring souls and people who can relate to what you are going through. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. You have a difficult road ahead of you, but I have faith that due to your strong sense of character, you and your family will rise above the tragedy like a phoenix. Know that you are not alone and that you will grow stronger and the pieces of your life will begin to fall back into place.

[username07]

Thank you everyone for answering my question. To clarify a few things: my mom is never home because she has to work all the time now and get in as much overtime as possible. My dad was always the one I could talk to and maybe now that he's gone I just feel as if my mom is gone more because there's no one I can talk to. My dad was the one I would normally go to for questions like this.

The school I used to go to has the program I want and it was a different experience when I lived there. I had more fun and I just don't want to grow up completely too soon. The school I go to now, I commute and its hard to keep up my school work and work. I'm in a program I know I'll never want to go into but it is the closest school. The only problem is it doesn't offer what I am interested in. I had a 4.0 at my last school and my new school my grades have dropped to around a 2.0 because I'm not interested in the program. I'm interested in television production and that is only offered at a few schools.

I hope I cleared up all of the questions. Thanks again.

[jrebel7]

Thank you everyone for answering my question. To clarify a few things: my mom is never home because she has to work all the time now and get in as much overtime as possible. My dad was always the one i could talk to and maybe now that hes gone I just feel as if my mom is gone more because theres no one i can talk to. My dad was the one I would normally go to for questions like this.

The school i used to go to has the program i want and it was a different experience when I lived there. I had more fun and I just dont want to grow up completely too soon. The school I go to now, I commute and its hard to keep up my school work and work. I'm in a program I know i'll never want to go into but it is the closest school. The only problem is it doesnt offer what I am interested in. I had a 4.0 at my last school and my new school my grades have dropped to around a 2.0 because I'm not interested in the program. I'm interested in television production and that is only offered at a few schools.

I hope I cleared up all of the questions. Thanks again.

Thank you for clarifying some of the issues at hand and giving a bit more information. It was helpful.

I can sure identify with being able to communicate better with one parent more than the other. Makes your loss doubly difficult. I am so sorry.

If the school you now attend does not offer what you need, I believe you have two choices. Make the choice to go to the school of your choice, help out the family every chance you get or lay out for a year, try to make the best financial decisions you can to help yourself and your family then go back to the school of your choice. My daughter went to an out-of-state school on scholarship. It did not offer the programs she needed but she did get the first year required classes out of the way. The first two years are generally getting those classes behind you so you can press on in your field of interest. She was not happy there and came home every weekend. She transferred the next year and all was well. She was not dealing with issues such as you are however which I know makes a huge difference.

One thing I hope you can keep in mind is that all your future does not hinge on this year. It may feel to you it does and I understand that but in reality, you can make choices you can live with, next year make adjustments to the plan. You need to be happy.

Keep your dream foremost in your mind. I think part of your issues you are dealing with may be missing having your dad to visit with about these issues. If here were there and you needed to stay home for a year, you might have been more at peace with that decision.

Other's will offer more advice and hopefully help you reach a decision you feel good about. My concern is just that you don't let your circumstances overwhelm you. Nothing stays the same forever. Best to you.

[Mom of 2]

I couldn't agree with Jrebel more.

You are going through an extremely hard time right now. Allow yourself time to grieve, otherwise you will never completely heal.

Maybe taking some time off school would be in your best interest, or at least decreasing your class load. Going to school full time, working and also grieving the loss of your dad is a lot for ANYONE to handle. Know that just because you are at this school for the time being does not mean that you have to stay there forever. You never know what a year or two years will bring about.

Your mom has a lot on her plate and I can totally relate to this, as I was witness to what my mom had to do after the death of my dad.

Take one day at a time. You may not think so right now, but it will get better.