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simoneaugie · Mar 30, 2008, 01:20 AM

My daughter has been "stealing" street signs for a few years now. There are dents in my bumper to prove that the were not just lying there. I talked to her about the fines incurred when the stolen signs are found in your possession. She knows.

Now I've found a new pair of shoes, over $60. Shoes in her room. The "beeper" tags were in the box. Tools to remove the tags were in her room near the shoes. She is now 18. How should I bring it up?

I told her that if she wasn't willing to help out around the house, she should move out. She is now staying with my parents (past 3 months.) She is rude and unhelpful towards them too. Is there anything I can do to help her grow up besides letting her try to live on her own?

She works part time and is attending college. Playing with her friends takes precidence over being respectful towards those who are giving as much help as they can.

slick_devil · Mar 30, 2008, 03:20 AM

Get that child feel ashamed through certain reactions through his friends or brothers or sisters.. but don't insult the chid.. bcos once u inject negativity in a child.. its hard to get rid of it..
It encourages destructive nature...
It also may be a psychiatric disease.. I've forgot the name right now..
U may consult a psychiatrist

Username Here · Mar 30, 2008, 04:38 AM

Call the police, They'll give her a warning and hopefully that'll wake her up.

I had a friend that did a lot of theft, and her parents knew they told the police to keep an eye on her. She was caught stealing condoms and given an official caution. She didn't steal again afterwards, she was too scared.

Hope this helps,
Louis.

Fr_Chuck · Mar 30, 2008, 06:24 AM

Stealing will only grow worst, let your parents know, if you find the stolen itmes have them returned ( letting her keep stolen things make you part of the crime also)

talaniman · Mar 30, 2008, 07:38 AM

You and your parents, will have to put your heads together, and be a united front, and not tolerate any disrespect or BS, from this half grown adult.

excon · Mar 30, 2008, 08:26 AM

Originally Posted by Username Here

Call the police, They'll give her a warning and hopefully that'll wake her up.

Hello s:

Snitching on your kids would be the WORSE thing you could do. Giving them a criminal record is NOT good parenting. The COPS are not there to WARN your daughter. They're there to BUST your daughter. That's what COPS do. They're NOT a social agency. Prison is NOT a place where one gets help.

Nope. Don't listen to this drivel...

excon

Allheart · Mar 30, 2008, 08:34 AM

Originally Posted by excon

Hello s:

Snitching on your kids would be the WORSE thing you could do. Giving them a criminal record is NOT good parenting. The COPS are not there to WARN your daughter. They're there to BUST your daughter. That's what COPS do. They're NOT a social agency. Prison is NOT a place where one gets help.

Nope. Don't listen to this drivel....

excon

Excon, what about that scared straight program? Do you think that would help.

Simon - This has to be a huge heartache for you and I am so sorry. Is there any underlining situation going on. Could there be a reason she is acting out. Have you calmly asked her?

I am huge on a child showing and behaving with respect and if I had children, I would not tolerate it. But like anything, I would want to make sure there is not "something else" going on.

Is there?

excon · Mar 30, 2008, 09:00 AM

Originally Posted by Allheart

Excon, what about that scared straight program? Do you think that would help.

Hello All:

I don't think there is A scared straight program... There are some police forces that put on what THEY think is a program like that. It's not monitored. It's not sanctioned by any national body. There are no frameworks for successful programs such as these. There are no studies about the effectiveness of these programs. There are only anecdotal stories.

So NO, I don't think ANY program put on by the POLICE helps...

excon

PS> I don’t believe boot camps or chain gangs work either.

Allheart · Mar 30, 2008, 09:05 AM

I think the knee reaction is to discipline. But something needs to be delved into a little deeper. We forget, children have feelings and problems, and at that age they are so mangified.

I believe Excon is right, calling law enforcement in at this stage, is addressing the result of your child's actions and not the cause.

Simon, I will be thinking and saying good thoughts for you. Don't give up on your child,
Meaning, don't get so overwhelmed, if you can help it.

It's one thing for a child to have a flip mouth, but this has gone beyond that.

Anything leading up to this?

Sending love,
Allheart

rodandy12 · Mar 30, 2008, 09:07 AM

Simone,

Lot's of stuff in your note.

I'm of the opinion that if you do a very good job as a parent the way you can tell is that the kid takes you for granted. If you provide a loving environment in which they can grow, they you know you love them although that knowledge might get buried at times. To function in an adult world, they will have to learn how to deal with their peers. This doesn't make it feel any better when she would rather spend time with them than you and your parents. Fitting in with peers is a big concern at this age so learning to cope with them is a big part of what she is doing.

Sounds like she is in with some kids who don't mind breaking the law. This stuff can get her into trouble, but I don't see it as major. Many kids that age do that sort of thing... I did, my son did. The consequences can vary with location. If you live in a small town, the cops probably know what is going on and are either turning a blind eye to it or waiting until they can catch these kids red handed. If you live in an urban area, the comments from excon are completely correct. I don't think you can prevent her from leading this life at this time, She'll just have to grow out of it... or there may be some traumatic event that shocks her out of it.

On the plus side, she is working and going to college. Perhaps in a college environment she will either make new friends or the group she runs with will grow up. College can do that. Professors don't really care about teenage problems. The kids are there to do the work and get better prepared for life. College success is a test of how life works in the big world. That said, the bulk of what one learns in college is learned outside the classroom through interaction with others who want to make something of their lives. She is in an environment to do that. My daughter just read what I wrote and added that it would be better for her to go to a college other than the one her friends are going to.

One other thing... "playing with her friends." 18 year olds don't play with their friends. She is a young adult and if you use that sort of language with her it probably contributes to her behavior.

It is really out of your hands at this point, but what you have been doing is managing a transition from childhood to adulthood. You want her to be a fully functioning adult capable of getting along in the world and making good choices. You want her to be independent. As she becomes more ready to stand on her own the two of you can become better friends than you are at this point, but only if you respect her as an adult. At this time, that probably isn't easy, but hopefully, it will happen eventually.

Oh, the way you bring up stealing is to show her what you found and ask her to explain it.

bushg · Mar 30, 2008, 09:23 AM

Simon I have thought about this problem and if it were me I would dump the shoes in the garbage or remove the tags and give them to a thrift shop , women's shelter etc...

In the box I would replace the shoes with a letter explaining to her not to bring stolen goods into my home. I would look up and find out what the law states about theft in my state and what the fines and jail sentence could be if she were to get caught. I would tell her that when she gets caught to not call me, that she knows it is wrong and that she may have to go to jail. I would offer to go to counseling with her if that is what she wanted and I would make sure to tell her that I love her.

The reason I would write this instead of talking to her about it , is because you can make your point instead of worrying about getting into an argument and saying things that you do not mean out of frustration also this is something that she can go back and reread. Then I would leave it alone. I know if this were one of my kids I would be sick with worry. I hope everything works out.

N0help4u · Mar 30, 2008, 10:13 AM

There was a story on the news about three or four years ago '
They said some teens pulled a prank stealing the stop signs at an intersection.
It resulted in some deaths due to an accident because of no stop signs
The teens got charged and convicted of murder.

If she wants signs I am sure she could check with the Dept of Transportation or somewhere and see if they are allowed to give her old signs they do not use any more.

talaniman · Mar 30, 2008, 10:32 AM

The reason I would write this instead of talking to her about it , is because you can make your point instead of worrying about getting into an argument and saying things that you do not mean out of frustration also this is something that she can go back and reread. Then I would leave it alone. I know if this were one of my kids I would be sick with worry. I hope everything works out.

Had to spread the rep, but that was a darn good course of action.

simoneaugie · Mar 30, 2008, 10:39 PM

Thanks to all for the answers and they all have merit.

I just found out today that my dad found her with the stolen shoes. She told him that they weren't stolen, that the store had neglected to take the tags off. I'd better talk to him. Yes, since she is living with my parents, we need to show a united front.

The word playing is used too much. Spending time with friends is probably more respectful. I can not treat her like a little girl anymore. I was a teen once myself and ran wild with friends and did stupid stuff. But, when she is rude to someone in the household, it's because the person backs down. Again, this suggests a family conference.

She was raised by her dad. I've had to train myself not to say, "you're just like your dad!" When she was naughty, he yelled and took away privileges. I rarely yell. When I do, my ten year old is quick to point out that I've chosen to be angry... But then she catches herself doing it too and laughs.

We follow three rules about anger:
a) Don't hurt anyone else
b) Don't hurt yourself
c) Don't break anything (including laws) If the 3 rule are met, be as angry as you need to.

If the 18 year old does get caught doing something illegal, my thought is not to bail her out. She claims that we are all so restrictive, hmmm. What do you think? I know that too much leniency is not good for some kids. It wasn't good for me.

talaniman · Mar 31, 2008, 06:11 AM

Never compromise the rules for kids. Why because they will always think your to strict. Now its different if they can openly and honestly, express a case for more freedom, but acting in inapropriate ways against the rules they hate is not cutting it. 18 is adults. They have to obey the rules of the house, the same ones I live by, or leave.

N0help4u · Mar 31, 2008, 02:49 PM

The store forgot to remove the tag and she conveniently had a tag remover.
Nice! Hmmm

3613474177 · Mar 31, 2008, 03:03 PM

Originally Posted by Username Here

Call the police, They'll give her a warning and hopefully that'll wake her up.

I had a friend that did a lot of theft, and her parents knew they told the police to keep an eye on her. She was caught stealing condoms and given an official caution. She didn't steal again afterwards, she was too scared.

Hope this helps,
Louis.

OMG stealing condoms!? That is so depressing, I mean, maybe her boy friend wanted them, but still...

firmbeliever · Mar 31, 2008, 03:16 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Never compromise the rules for kids. Why because they will always think your to strict. Now its different if they can openly and honestly, express a case for more freedom, but acting in inapropriate ways against the rules they hate is not cutting it. 18 is adults. They have to obey the rules of the house, the same ones I live by, or leave.

This is so true.
And if she wants to be treated like an adult then she should act like one.

Simone you might want to remind her again that she is acting childish by being rude.

I would also add to what Allheart said,maybe your daughter has a problem (compulsive behaviours) or something else that is making her steal.
It could be her so called friends,doing dares or they could be "blackmailing" her into joining them in their illegal activities.And the rudeness and other changes could be due to the pressures she has from these same friends.

It must be so hard for you,but I do hope you are able to help her stop these acts before they become habit.

squeaks77 · Apr 9, 2008, 10:15 AM

She needs to be responsible for her actions and turned in to the authorities.

squeaks77 · Apr 9, 2008, 12:42 PM

Originally Posted by squeaks77

She needs to be responsible for her actions and turned in to the authorities.

Why do you think enabling the girl is good advice EXCON? You would have the mother just sweep this all under the rug and THAT is not right!
This comes from someone who IS NOT an excon. I do not steal because it is wrong!! She did the crime she should do the time.