[asking]

My (formerly abusive) ex is pressuring me to give him half time custody of my younger son in exchange for paying half his tuition at a private school. He also wants me to let him do his taxes as head of household and take my older son as a deduction even though my 18 year old son lives with me nearly full time and his father pays no child support. He does pay the older son's tuition at the local junior college--about $600/year. But that's it.

I thought it was illegal to negotiate money for custody of children. I'm surprised he made this offer to me. I am glad he wants to spend more time with his sons, but it has not worked out well in the past. He bullies them and harassed them and they get upset and can't concentrate on their classes. Also, when I offer my ex more time with his kids -- like I asked him if he wanted more weekends this spring and or more time in the summer -- he nearly always says no. Yet this week he threatened to take me to court over 2 days out of spring break, forcing me to cancel a trip with my sons. I feel it's my duty to protect my younger son (the older one needs to decide for himself) and that I should not give him to his father in exchange for tuition. But it also seems unfair that I should have to pay it all as "punishment" for protecting my son from his father's abusiveness.

I know many people would think that my son should be with his dad every other week and that I was keeping my son from seeing his father. In fact, we have a system in place now where his dad picks him up from school every day, so they have time to see each other every day. He never keeps his son for any extra time or does anything with him. And he usually brings both kids back as early as possible when he has them. In other words, it never seems like he wants them. As I understand it, my younger son basically refuses to tell his father anything during these after school drives. I asked him to make an effort to tell his father some news of the day but that lasted only a couple of days.

What is the right thing to do here? Is there a way to simplify my interactions with this man? After 7 years of divorce I thought I wouldn't have to spend so much time dealing with him now. But every time we have an agreement in place and things seem to be on an even keel, he begins a new round of threats and endless negotiations.

[cdad]

First off if you have over 50% of legal custody and sending him to private school is for the good of the child then he may already be obligated to pay 1/2 tuition. And if he needs a judge to tell him that then that's what must be done ( Im sorry ). Another thing and this is from personal experience.. if your court orders say " " fill in the blank. And he has them outside of the orders of the court he could be in serious trouble so it's a fine line there as to his motivations. Im not saying that's what it is but its just a thought. Another thing you might think about is joining a parenting class geared for divorcing parents. It may sound silly after 7 years but in your situation it may help. The classes would be for all of you to attend as a family. It may provide insight for everyone. Good Luck.

[asking]

Another thing and this is from personal experience .. if your court orders say " " fill in the blank. And he has them outside of the orders of the court he could be in serious trouble so its a fine line there as to his motivations. Im not saying thats what it is but its just a thought.

Thanks. I am actually becoming tempted to go to court to get a decision, even though I know it wouldn't necessarily be the one I most want, at least it would be a legal decision. I'm just so tired of talking about everything all the time. But then I realize that he could contest that too...

I didn't understand the part above that I quoted back. Can you explain?

As for the class, that's a great idea. I will look to see what's available. We had to take a class when we first divorced--a really good class. But it wasn't even for both parents let alone the kids. There are meetings for single dads, but nothing for single mothers around here. Thanks for taking the time to answer!
Asking

[cdad]

I f court orders say you have custody of a child between Monday to Friday for example and he has the children with him on a Wednesday he could be in violation of a court order because in that case you have the authority over the children. Should you want to caus trouble then it could go so far as an arrest. I have seen it done before and there are parents that do use the children as pawns ( very sad ). Im not sure if you have an orginazation in your area but I went through some classes called Kids Turn. We all went but were kept separate. The attending times were together and it was about how kids feel during times of divorce and conflict. Everyone is guided through group classes and at the end there is a graduation ceremony. It was very helpful and it pushed the importance of getting alog and how to move the relationship away from one of love to one more like a business relationship between the parents. He may have those fears and not expressing them to you.

http://www.kidsturn.org

[asking]

Thanks, Califdadof3. Your comments are useful. Now I see what you are saying about obeying the custody agreement. Ours isn't technically court ordered, I guess, because we've done everything through mediation. But it's true that I gave in because I was afraid of appearing bad to a judge if I didn't give him the kids half time this last week and we ever did end up in court, which he threatened by way of the kids (yes, pawns). Our written agreement (MSA) says he gets half of all school vacations and weekends, but, of course, he's never taken them during spring break before (in 18 years) and I wanted them, so I just planned without thinking about that. It looks dumb in retrospect, but it seemed reasonable based on previous experience. Maybe the MSA is court ordered by definition...

I'm surprised I haven't heard of Kidsturn. It's sounds really good. It's just barely out of my area. Even if they would take us, it sounds like it would be too far. I doubt my ex would even drive so far for 6 weeks. I'm immediately south of the Bay Area. Kidsturn has lots of good links to other organizations.. . But now that I check them out, NONE of them seems to have any chapters near me. What is it about this county?

Your point about my ex not wanting to move the relationship to a business one is on the mark. That has been a problem in the past. He was very upset when I said I didn't want to be best friends, but just respectful business partners. But I thought we had got past that a while ago. He has had a steady girlfriend since a year after the divorce, so I thought he would stop looking for so much attention from me by now. But he still wants to have long chats. When I have time and I'm in the mood and he's not trying to pick a fight, it's fine, but often I don't have time or inclination or he is trying to tear me down, and he becomes very angry if I say I won't talk to him. I have taken to making sure he knows why I don't have time to talk to him. That helps, but I don't think I should have to justify not wanting to spend 15 -60 minutes talking to him in the middle of a busy day!

With him there is always some huge problem with the kids that only talking to me can solve. If I persuade him that there's no problem or that we can solve it, he immediately moves down his list to something else. The kids feel like they can never please their dad, and lately, maybe me, too. I think I'd be a better parent without his influence. But, at the same time, I feel obliged to tell him what's happening with his kids. That's supposedly the right thing to do.

Yeah. I wish there was a group for divorced parents around here! I'll keep looking...
Thanks again. Sorry to go on so long!
Asking

[asking]

Wow! I was looking for organizations for divorced mothers and I found this:
I wonder if this applies to divorced fathers too?

Family Therapy Trainees' Perceptions of Divorced Mothers: A Test of Bias in Information Recall

* M. Christine Schultz and
* Leigh A. Leslie*

The purpose of this study was to investigate marriage and family therapy (MFT) trainees' perceptions of divorced mothers relative to married mothers. We used a recall design in which participants recalled details from a vignette about either a divorced mother or a married mother. Participants were 74 students currently enrolled in five American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) accredited training programs in MFT. Multivariate analysis of variance revealed that participants receiving the divorced‐mother vignette recalled significantly more unfavorable characteristics about her than did those participants receiving the married‐mother vignette. Implications for the training of marriage and family therapists and alerting mental health professionals to examine their own assumptions and biases about divorced mothers are included.