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    src15's Avatar
    src15 Posts: 5, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Mar 26, 2008, 10:51 AM
    Grooms Divorced Parents
    I have read a lot about the divorced parents for the Bride. What about the proper etiquette for the grooms divorced parents who don't care for each other? The father and stepmother of the groom are out of the loop. Their daughter together is in the wedding, so any information is coming from her. We hear that the grooms mother and stepfather have given $1000 and know someone who can do the wedding invitations. The brides mother and stepfather are taking care of the dress and reception. We would like to contribute, but have mixed feeling, because our relationship seems to be a distant one. As in they live 10 minutes from us, but yet never stop or always have an excuse. About the only time we see them is for the holidays. We don't want to be cheap, but any money given means we have to adjust our funds to make up the difference. I guess we'd feel different if we had a better relationship with our son/stepson. Any words of wisdom would be helpful.. we are torn.
    jillianleab's Avatar
    jillianleab Posts: 1,194, Reputation: 279
    Ultra Member

    Mar 26, 2008, 11:00 AM
    Why not make a call to your son/stepson and tell him you'd like to contribute? Offer to cover the cost of the flowers, the cake, the band, the favors, chair rentals, centerpieces, the officient, ceremony decorations, anything. Or say you'd like to contribute X dollars to their expenses. Even if your relationship is distant, your help would probably still be appreciated, and obviously you want to give it. If you can't afford to help, offer your time instead. Ask the bride if she would like help researching companies and vendors, offer to join them for food tasting, help look for cakes, anything. You could also offer to host the bridal shower. It's traditionally done by the bridesmaids, but there's no reason you can't host it instead.

    There's a lot that needs to be done for a wedding, offering to do any of it is generous!
    src15's Avatar
    src15 Posts: 5, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Mar 26, 2008, 11:18 AM
    We have thought about the bridal shower as our daughter is the maid of honor and a college student who can't afford to throw a shower on her own. There being only one other bridesmaid. But the grooms mothers list is up to 100 and we can't afford that. We have also thought about going to the bakery and paying for the cake. We, well me, being the stepmother am having a hard time because what ever we have done in the past is always not good enough and is thrown up in our faces by my stepsons and his mother. I guess we should just do what makes us comfortable.
    jillianleab's Avatar
    jillianleab Posts: 1,194, Reputation: 279
    Ultra Member

    Mar 26, 2008, 01:17 PM
    The bridal shower list is over 100 people? How big is this wedding??

    There's nothing wrong with offering to host the bridal shower and putting restrictions on it. You say the groom's mother's list is at 100 - this isn't about the groom's mother, it's about the bride and groom. A wedding is not a networking event...

    I understand being irritated about your efforts going unappreciated, but refusing to help, or helping with a chip on your shoulder will only add to the tension. Do what you can, what makes you comfortable, and for the rest - kill them with kindness. Don't attempt to justify or defend your actions, just be confident in what they are. If someone gives you crap about how you "only paid for the cake" say something like, "Well, I wanted to make sure they knew how sweet I am!" :)

    Weddings are stressful, and I haven't heard of a single one that didn't have some sort of drama involved with it! Hang in there, and do what you think it right.
    src15's Avatar
    src15 Posts: 5, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Mar 26, 2008, 02:59 PM
    [QUOTE=jillianleab] If someone gives you crap about how you "only paid for the cake" say something like, "Well, I wanted to make sure they knew how sweet I am!" :)

    What a great response. From the sounds of it from our daughter well up over 250. I don't know if they plan on cutting back. But from comments it has been all about keeping the grooms mother happy. The brides mom is out of town. The bride has put her foot down to an extent, but knowing how the grooms mother is, I can see it being a ruff road. After reading your first message I did send the bride an email to offer my help. The ball is know in her court. Thanks for your input.
    jillianleab's Avatar
    jillianleab Posts: 1,194, Reputation: 279
    Ultra Member

    Mar 26, 2008, 03:13 PM
    250 is a big wedding, and that will just add to the stresses. You might want to find a way to gently remind your stepson it's his job to put his foot down when it involves his mom; otherwise the bride might come out looking like the bad guy.

    I'm glad you emailed the bride, and I hope she responds well to you. If your stepson's mom is being a pain, she might appreciate having someone willing to help with what she wants. Going out for a ladies-only lunch to talk about the wedding might improve things between the two of you as well.

    Good luck!
    Picassa's Avatar
    Picassa Posts: 42, Reputation: 6
    Junior Member

    Mar 31, 2008, 10:59 AM
    I feel for your situation, as we have experienced very similar scenarios. Here is some insight into what might be at the center of the mother's control issues, at least from what I observed at my own Stepson's wedding recently. Often, it's all out of insecurity that people try to throw their weight around.

    Just remember that it will be far more difficult for HER to enjoy the wedding. You and your husband and your now grown daughter will be a part of everything, and it will be obvious by your affection, smiles and cheerful demeanor, that she's not even a blip on the radar screen of your relationship (or your husband's life) any longer. Your daughter is playing a big role in the wedding too, so that just adds to it. People will see how happy you are, and she will wish that you would all just disappear.

    Good for you for opening up the dialogue with your future daughter in law via email. Don't offer what you can't afford, but helping with the gift of time or organization can't be underestimated. Do you have a friend who could help you host a small shower? If you are co-hosting with your daughter, then you alone have a say in how many you can comfortably accommodate. If the groom's mother wants to invite 100 people to a pre-wedding party, then she can host one herself and PAY for it. An afternoon shower with coffee/tea/punch and a special cake or dessert buffet is cheaper than hosting a dinner event with drinks, and can be just as elegant.

    Unfortunately my stepson cowed to his mother's repeated demands to leave us (his father and I) off the list for head table seating at the reception and to leave our names off the boutaneer/corsage list (but included his step father and uncle). The Groom's mother was in the first pew, and we were seated with my in-laws in the third pew behind the mother's neighbors. Then, one week prior to the wedding, the hotel called us and asked if we had wanted to cancel our prepaid reservation. It seems "someone" had called and requested a cancellation. I think that was supposed to be the icing on the "cake."

    So, count your blessings, but keep your eyes wide open. We took the high road, didn't flinch at all, and had a great time. Whenever I glanced over at the groom's mother during the evening, she was scowling. All of her energy to ruin our evening and embarrass us in front of mutual friends and family was wasted energy and only made her look bad. We sat with our good friends, laughed, danced until our feet hurt, and didn't even notice when she and her husband finally left the building.

    Best of luck to you! Hold your head high and enjoy the event.
    src15's Avatar
    src15 Posts: 5, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Apr 2, 2008, 03:03 PM
    Picassa, thank you for insight. We(my daughter the maid of honor and I) have actually worked out with the bride to be a reasonable head count for a bridal shower, 35 but no more than 40. The bride was very understanding in regards to how many to invite. Our daughter really wanted to host the shower, so I'm glad my husband and I can help(now that the numbers are lower). The bride to be stated if our stepsons mother wants to invite more people, she could pay the difference or have a separate shower for those that did not get invited to this one.

    I agree with you. We'll have to take the high road, keep smiling, and just try to have a good time, well at least make it look like it.

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