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livnletdie77 · Mar 25, 2008, 03:49 PM

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. We live together in my place and for some time he was suffering from depression. He is all better now and secretly went and rented a room to live in. I found out because I was snooping and he denies it. He hasn't moved any stuff out because he's apparently living a double life. What should I do?:confused:

Chery · Mar 25, 2008, 04:17 PM

My dear, your question is a little confusing... because it sounds like to me that he is taking the first step to either leaving or just wanting some space of his own to have some independence. Depending on how old you both are and what type of depression he 'had' he just might need some time to himself to work on why he was depressed and how his recovery is progressing without your interference. So, IMO, the question should have been whether you should let him go if he wants to leave..

Do you know why he was depressed? Did you have something to do with helping him 'get better'? Or do you feer that he was with you during this time and used you as a crutch?

As far as your snooping - this shows distrust and if you do not trust him, then you are not secure in this relationship either. As humans, we learn and grow and develop as we get older and go through a lot of changes - with or without our partners. And, we should never place anyone else in the center of our universe - that will only hinder growth. If you really care for someone, you help them in their growth while you grow also and accept each other's changes. Apparently, you somehow don't accept his change or you would not have thought of snooping and that's insecurity on your part. I hope you can learn to accept and adjust to your changes as well as his and don't push him away. If he still cares for you and your relationship, he will continue with you even if he has his own room, and there is really nothing you can do to make him give it up. It is his choice and you should respect that.

If he leaves you for good, it will be a lesson learned and you need to accept that and go on with your life as well. There is no guarantee that all will work out well, we can only hope we did the right thing and go on.

No matter how this turns out, respect yourself and get rid of the snooping urges, they will only make things worse. We will be here with you to help you cope either way, so keep us posted.

Good luck.

Communication and trust are keys to any relationship.

talaniman · Mar 26, 2008, 06:10 AM

No trust, no communication and secrets yet to be revealed. Ask him what's going on, as he gets his stuff, and leaves forever. This doesn't sound like a good relationship, let alone a healthy one.

statictable · Mar 26, 2008, 09:49 AM

He is all better now and secretly went and rented a room to live in.

WHAT?? Sounds like the depression was traded in for a Secret Agent Badge and next he'll be wearing a Secret Decoder Ring... Best to stay off the thin ice.

livnletdie77 · Mar 26, 2008, 11:35 AM

Originally Posted by Chery

My dear, your question is a little confusing... because it sounds like to me that he is taking the first step to either leaving or just wanting some space of his own to have some independence. Depending on how old you both are and what type of depression he 'had' he just might need some time to himself to work on why he was depressed and how his recovery is progressing without your interferance. So, IMO, the question should have been whether you should let him go if he wants to leave..

Do you know why he was depressed? Did you have something to do with helping him 'get better'? Or do you feer that he was with you during this time and used you as a crutch?

As far as your snooping - this shows distrust and if you do not trust him, then you are not secure in this relationship either. As humans, we learn and grow and develop as we get older and go through a lot of changes - with or without our partners. And, we should never place anyone else in the center of our universe - that will only hinder growth. If you really care for someone, you help them in their growth while you grow also and accept each other's changes. Apparently, you somehow don't accept his change or you would not have thought of snooping and that's insecurity on your part. I hope you can learn to accept and adjust to your changes as well as his and don't push him away. If he still cares for you and your relationship, he will continue with you even if he has his own room, and there is really nothing you can do to make him give it up. It is his choice and you should respect that.

If he leaves you for good, it will be a lesson learned and you need to accept that and go on with your life as well. There is no guarantee that all will work out well, we can only hope we did the right thing and go on.

No matter how this turns out, respect yourself and get rid of the snooping urges, they will only make things worse. We will be here with you to help you cope either way, so keep us posted.

Good luck.

Communication and trust are keys to any relationship.

Chery, thank you for your sound advice.. We are both young I'm 30 he's 28. He became depreesed and yes I helped nurse him back to health. What upsets me is that he did this in a sneaky way and has been taking things with him little by little. He denied it when I asked but he hasn't slept at home for days now saying that he's been working. I wrote him a letter & said we should take a break so he can have his space

Chery · Mar 26, 2008, 04:55 PM

It sounds like he can't be upfront with you and might be ashamed of the fact that you know so much about him and his despression and is running away. That to me does not seem that he is getting better, only slyer in his life. He's a wimp!

IMO, you gave so much of yourself for nothing, and he certainly did not appreciate your effort, so I would let him go and tell him not to let the door hit him on the way out. You don't deserve this. You deserve to have someone strong to be there for you, not the other way around. So, I think it's for the best that you found out in time to break with him and start your healing process. You know we will be here with you every step of the way, not matter how long it takes.

So, stay with us and start your list of pros and cons of this relationship, get angry, then apathetic about him and regain your strength and self-respect.

Good luck dear... you are not alone!

Don't wait for him to get the rest of his stuff - put it in a garbage bag and set it outside and tell him to get his 'trash' out of your face.

bizygurl · Mar 26, 2008, 05:09 PM

That doesn't sound good. Why would a man who is suppose to love you rent a room some where away from you and not tell you? Relationships are based on trust and communication. Depression or no depression. That's serious. I have a feeling you already know what you need to do, but id confront him anyway about it, you at least deserve that much your second step is to kick him out. That's not right that he kept that from you, its dishonesty and not to mention not a "normal" thing to do in a healthy relationship. There is no room for that behavior. You don't deserve it and he doesn't deserve you.